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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Thrown under the bus at work

269 replies

Ceci03 · 05/05/2023 13:39

So am I being over sensitive. I'll try to make it short. Started new job end Jan. It's been hard learning new software and processes mostly left to my own devices. Little to zero training. Expected to pick things up from others on the team when they are v busy.

Anyway am on leave today but forgot to turn off my teams notifications. A colleague put up a very long message basically explaining to everyone (everyone is on this chat even people not in our team and all the managers) that I made a mistake. She adds a screenshot where I said I would do something but forgot . She explains how she is sorting it out. Which would take her a couple of minutes. It would
Have taken her longer to write out the essay/message on teams than fix it for today and message me privately so I can finish sorting it or talk to me on Tuesday.
I'm so upset. And obviously morto . I made a mistake and I'm sorry of course and I want to fix it. It's not a major thing it's easily sorted I'll just do it first thing on Tues and apologize.
Nobody has commented or replied to her message which makes me wonder are they a bit wtf has she written all
That out on teams. I'm hoping the rest of the team know me enough to know I try v hard and want to do a good job.
I thought this person was a friend. I would never do that. Put it so public and screenshot it .
Aibu

OP posts:
waterrat · 05/05/2023 18:08

Not read full thread but I want to say - having worked in a lot of office environments (and I'm in my 40s so experienced in dealing with this shit) - I promise you everyone will be thinking what a dick this woman is.

Literally nobody cares if you made a minor mistake - either they will barely pay any attention or they will think internally how immature/ unprofessional of her.

You will look the bigger person. Take a deepbreath - the real truth is she is clearly an insecure show off trying to impress people> She may not even think she is being rude.

If you felt you could do it calmly - you COULD possibly speak to a boss and say - look I felt unhappy to have that pointed out - and say you feel you need more support.

But I would probably leave it unless she does it again.

Bunnichick · 05/05/2023 18:10

I think she has made herself look but I don't agree with everyone that you shouldn't tell a manager. It's not being a "tell tale" like a child just to mention that it bothered you. At least if she does similar again they may be on top of it and remove it or let them know things like this can be addressed one to one.

Gymtastic · 05/05/2023 18:11

I’m surprised at the amount of people suggesting speaking to the manager, and even going so far as to create passive aggressive sentences, like the op is going to go in there and read it. I think politely most suggesting these things have never done a management role, and as such are reacting like a junior employee.

the manager knows, they were copied in. The op doesn’t need to point it out to them, be passive aggressive or point out how upset she is. The woman has made a twat of herself. The op needs to now just hold her head high , ignore it and crack on with her job. That’s what commands the most respect.

HousingAdviceNeeded · 05/05/2023 18:18

You have the perfect opportunity to add "See you next Tuesday" at the end of any message. Grin

Rollonannualeave · 05/05/2023 18:19

the manager knows, they were copied in. The op doesn’t need to point it out to them, be passive aggressive or point out how upset she is. The woman has made a twat of herself. The op needs to now just hold her head high , ignore it and crack on with her job. That’s what commands the most respect.

Dont agree. OP needs to do. a "warning shot." the colleague is testing the waters. Nip it in the bud.

BeggyMitchell · 05/05/2023 18:26

HousingAdviceNeeded · 05/05/2023 18:18

You have the perfect opportunity to add "See you next Tuesday" at the end of any message. Grin

This is worth repeating 😂

A few PP have said it now OP!

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 05/05/2023 18:35

I really don't miss this petty sort of shit that seems to be so common in offices tbh. I do deal with the occasional grumpy twat onsite, usually when they want to me to rush a job which could have disastrous consequences that would be all on my head. I can happily tell them that I'll just take my time if they're going to be a dick. No HR nonsense involved.

Whiteroomjoy · 05/05/2023 18:41

Identifyingasadolphin · 05/05/2023 14:06

Take a screenshot (in case she deletes it later)

This.
i would not respond to teams, nor would I escalate or discuss with anyone else
what I would do is book a meeting with her for 30 mins this week. Call it something like “to discuss errors you notified me of in teams”. Do not engage in discussion with her before or after or explain further. If she rejects meeting you’ve clear indication that she certainly wasn’t trying to help you but just sticking a knife in. Save that rejected meeting notice and escalate if she ever pulls a stunt like that again to you or anyone else

if she agrees to meeting, go ahead. Start by stating you except you made an error. Then ask her what she was trying to achieve by broadcasting it on teams. Don’t interrupt , prompt and ask questions on the why, why, why to get to a point where she can either give you a justification that at least might have made sense to her, or you get to point where she’s clearly lying and stalling to avoid saying she was just sticking the knife in to boast her ego or whatever. Explore her thinking if she genuinely believes she was trying to acheive a legitimate and value adding (business) aim by doing it. Mirror back and show you have listened and understood her .
Then say quite calmly and professionally that, as a professional you would have sorted the immediately issues then booked a private meeting, like one your doing now, to explain the issue/error and impact it had on you and, if needs be vent a bit of frustration within privacy of a closed meeting and then got resolution and an apology . If she was trying to help that would have been most cost effective and efficient way to the business. Tell her that, in your opinion, “shaming” people in public for errors is the least beneficial solution for a profitable or successful business and only serves to send messages to people that other team members cannot be trusted to treat people with the respect they’d expect to be treated with themselves . Tell her that she has your day off , that you have stressed about it, and was that truely her intent?see what she says to thst. Then state that If she genuinely wanted to help, in future she must raise issues with you direct as you would do for errors she made. If she is finding she is picking up crap form you continuously then copy in your manager, or even take her complaint to you manager, but it is not a matter for public consumption and you will not accept people shaming you in public for minor issues. You will not accept her doing this again, with you or for that matter anyone and next time will escalate it with her manager

obviously if she can explain a rather odd and misguided theory on why she did it you may want to alter your response . But you need to state clearly where your boundaries are and make her pause and think. If no one pulls her up she will merely think it is acceptable. It isn’t.

I’ve had this shot before except I wasn’t even copied. A senior manager forwarded the email to me saying you might want to know this was sent out and I’ll be talking with her. I booked a meeting and did the above. She never tried to pull a stunt like that again. I know damn well she was trying to big herself up at my expense. Except I hadn’t made a mistake, her broadcast message was a criticism based on her personal opinion on the way I did my job as a senior manager. I don’t think she realised that most people she sent it too had worked with me too long and had already got their own opinions of me over many years, and just thought she was batshit crazy. But I was angered and frustrated and stressed by it- no one is immune to being publically shamed and criticised. You do need to state your boundaries as I did,

JudgeRudy · 05/05/2023 18:51

I'd have been tempted to respond on Teams and ask what the purpose was of sharing this on Teams.

Inkpotlover · 05/05/2023 18:54

ComeOnThenFanny · 05/05/2023 14:21

I agree with this. Only instead of finishing with "see you next week", I would have to write "see you next Tuesday". But I'm a childish petty bastard 🤣

I would totally send that message with your payoff!

Honestly OP, you really should kill her with kindness – people will respect you for owning up to it like that.

FusionChefGeoff · 05/05/2023 18:55

She's made herself look like a right twat

EllandRd · 05/05/2023 18:58

Ceci03 · 05/05/2023 13:48

No nobody needed to know.

Would you just ignore it and move on.

I'm tempted to tell one of the managers I was upset. But is that being a "drama queen"

Yes you are being a Drama Queen, deal with issue at hand, apologise and move on.

wormshuffled · 05/05/2023 19:03

I have had the exact same situation. I went straight back at them with "I'll sort it.... but thank you for bringing it to the attention of us all"

I then brought it up at my next one to one with my manager. You're colleague is not a team player, you won't have been the first person to have received this kind of comment.

7eleven · 05/05/2023 19:05

She thought she was polishing her halo, but instead looked like a twat. Forget it.

JaffaCake70 · 05/05/2023 19:13

Are you even allowed to share screenshots of private messages on teams?

Isn't that a breach of your privacy?

DFAMA · 05/05/2023 19:27

Ooh what a grade A bitch! If it's unusual for teams messages to not get any responses at all then you can guarantee there will be office gossip about her pettiness. If it was me I would take a screenshot just so you have evidence in case it's needed in the future, then leave it until Tuesday morning and if she hasn't deleted it by then respond with an icy / withering message as suggested above.

You mentioned that she's been away for 4 weeks, do you know why? I'm wondering if shes been pulled up for poor performance and this is an attempt to deflect. Do not engage with her on a 1-1 basis at all, she is not to be trusted and I promise you won't be the only one to have made note of that.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/05/2023 19:34

Honestly don’t worry, if someone at my work sent something like that I would 100% think they were a dick. This just looks bad on her, not on you. The fact nobody’s replied suggests to me they think she’s being unnecessary, I bet they’re talking about her not you! She sounds like hard work, nobody appreciates this kind of making a big deal about someone else’s mistakes to try and climb the ladder at work. I but everyone has rolled their eyes at it and think she’s just outed herself as a bit of a dick.

nonheme · 05/05/2023 19:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

porridgeisbae · 05/05/2023 19:55

I would definitely counter it in the chat so they all aren't left with the wrong idea about you.

PP's have given you some great ideas of how to word it.

Tonkerbea · 05/05/2023 19:56

Dignified silence all the way, any pass agg tit for tat will drag you down to her level. You need to channel Michelle Obama, when they go low, we go high!

Bodenesque · 05/05/2023 20:01

I'd consider making a complaint about her, you need to start assertively and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.The fact that no-one else has commented is telling and the others know it's unacceptable.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 05/05/2023 20:02

Ceci03 · 05/05/2023 13:39

So am I being over sensitive. I'll try to make it short. Started new job end Jan. It's been hard learning new software and processes mostly left to my own devices. Little to zero training. Expected to pick things up from others on the team when they are v busy.

Anyway am on leave today but forgot to turn off my teams notifications. A colleague put up a very long message basically explaining to everyone (everyone is on this chat even people not in our team and all the managers) that I made a mistake. She adds a screenshot where I said I would do something but forgot . She explains how she is sorting it out. Which would take her a couple of minutes. It would
Have taken her longer to write out the essay/message on teams than fix it for today and message me privately so I can finish sorting it or talk to me on Tuesday.
I'm so upset. And obviously morto . I made a mistake and I'm sorry of course and I want to fix it. It's not a major thing it's easily sorted I'll just do it first thing on Tues and apologize.
Nobody has commented or replied to her message which makes me wonder are they a bit wtf has she written all
That out on teams. I'm hoping the rest of the team know me enough to know I try v hard and want to do a good job.
I thought this person was a friend. I would never do that. Put it so public and screenshot it .
Aibu

Thats not on at all, I would be fuming, she clearly thrown you under the bus. To be honest whoever in the chat wont be impressed by this and if anything she made herself look shit. Mistakes happen.

Wenfy · 05/05/2023 20:15

Reply to the public message and say ‘thanks, next time please contact me directly so you have sight of the problem immediately and can fix it’. Bet she won’t try that again.

Gymtastic · 05/05/2023 22:29

Wenfy · 05/05/2023 20:15

Reply to the public message and say ‘thanks, next time please contact me directly so you have sight of the problem immediately and can fix it’. Bet she won’t try that again.

What do you mean next time, next time she forgets to do something? That’s a smart response. I’d cringe so much if I was a colleague or manager reading that, I’d think I’d two kids squabbling. And this response would play right in to her hands, if I was the other woman I’d snippily respond and say something like let’s hope there isn’t a next time, shall we. 😂

Cowhen · 06/05/2023 07:52

DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/05/2023 17:13

At least you know what to get her for Secret Santa this year, a dinner bell, so she can follow you around ringing it and yelling 'Shame.......Shame'.

😁😁😁