MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

I actually find the whole obsession with "blood relative" really weird. Your genes are not that special.

My brother married a young widow with two very young children and adopted them. They subsequently had another child together. I have never felt any emotional differentiation between the three children. Unfortunately my mother did but in the end that was her loss.
For anyone adopted on this thread, I'm sorry that you've had to read some of those hurtful posts, I promise you not everyone feels that way.

Yes, because it’s OP that did the pushing, not her DH who wanted his mother support when he discussed his infertility with her and hoped his mother would see his children as her grandchildren, despite it.

Some of these comments.. 🙄

@Reality25

Otherwise you would not have gone through extremely expensive IVF with a random man's sperm, rather than adopting one of the many orphaned babies and children who desperately need a loving family

As an adopted person, could I ask you to please educate yourself on the current adoption system before pontificating about it to others, as you have shown a lack of understanding of how complex, layered and painful the process can be. Your description is simplistic to say the least.

Would you honestly say this if your child chose to adopt? That their children weren't blood relatives so you saw them as less valid grandchildren than ones related by blood?

OP - I can see why your DH isn’t ready to cut his mother out, however I would have a conversation about if he thinks her relationship is healthy for the dcs. Particularly if there’s any risk she could say something to them about them not being “real” grandchildren or their dad not being their “real” dad. One comment now would be one too many and potentially very damaging. Is it worth the risk for them?

id say he swings by to see his mum alone.

Not agreeing with sperm/egg donors doesn’t make someone a bigot. I also someone that doesn’t agree with egg and sperm donation anymore than I agree with surrogacy. There’s ethical concerns that are valid, it doesn’t prioritise the children’s needs, only the adults. Being desperate for a baby and loving them isn’t always enough and if you read testimonies from donor conceived kids or know any IRL (I do), you will see that many of them have issues caused by being conceived by donor.

OPs MILs actions are unacceptable. She was being deliberately hurtful, but her feelings are her feelings and you can’t just brainwash everyone into thinking using donors are ok or to accept non bio children as their own. If OP isn’t happy with MIL, she can cool things with her or if her husband agrees, cut her off from the kids.

Why did you even tell her??

@DrunkLineDancing everybody is entitled to their own opinions, of course. What defines you as a human is what you do with them. The PP has been clear that if her child suffered infertility and therefore chose to use donor sperm, she would distance herself from her child and not accept the baby. In my world, that absolutely makes her cruel and a bigot.

I personally feel like she’s not thinking anything that isn’t untrue. They technically aren’t her grandchildren but I don’t think that’s something that needs to be continuously voiced (or even voiced once). She also doesn’t need to be making any comments in front of the children.

My kids are both little, 1 & 2, but I’d probably struggle a little if my son’s wife had kids via a donor which means that the kids aren’t my son’s children. But seriously who gives a fuck what I’d think, I wouldn’t need to continuously voice how I feel as it has nothing to do with me.

So basically, I think her feelings are valid but she should really keep it to herself

Same here.

Just to be clear, technically they are her grandchildren. By law, they are the son’s children. Therefore they are her grandchildren. They aren’t biologically related to her. That’s a different point.

I married DH fairly late I'm life and already had a grown up child. His mother regarded my grandchildren as her great grandchildren.

I can understand her feeling that they're not her grandchildren in the way biological grandchildren would be. She should still be nice and caring towards them though. I would feel like her but I would never say anything.

I see adoption as completely different. The child already exists and needs people to love and care for them. It’s morally right. Creating children using donors is so far away from that, it’s not comparable. It’s like when people use adoption to justify surrogacy, it’s nothing like it. Adoption is about doing the best for an existing child. Using donors is about what’s best for the adults.

I’m in the group of people who are trying to understand why you and DH have chosen to subject your kids to her attitude and comments for 4 years.

If they truly adore her now you can’t easily just remove her, but you and DH definitely need to have a conversation about the limits of that relationship (and if it is needed, DH can have a relationship with his mom by himself).
This isn’t a change of heart, it’s settling, and as hurt as you and DH are, those kids are being set up to be hurt much worse. People only settle as long as they feel they have to.

This

I 100% agree with this

I don't agree with donor use or surrogacy because I don't believe it's in the interests of the child. However that is not a reason to distance the child and punish them - it's not their fault their parents made that choice. Once the child is conceived (or enters the family via adoption or marriage etc) they should be welcomed.

Whatever the feelings of the mil, it's cruel to voice them in front of the children and I wouldn't be wanting to risk my children overhearing that kind of thing.

Similar here. I was widowed several years ago - we never had any children. I think of my second DH’s daughter as my own and my mum absolutely regards her as her own grandchild.

Horrible woman you're never going to change her attitude, it's obviously deeply ingrained, but just keeping hurting yourselves trying to. I think you've two options: 1. cut her out and get on with your lives or even low contact or 2. tolerate her awful views if your dh wants to maintain the relationship with his mum.

I just don't understand it they're your and DHs children regardless of how they got there. I have two sets of adopted cousins and never thought of them as anything other than my close cousins, I have to admit though as we aged I was very envious of their obviously far more attractive genes 😂

Depends on whether MIL was already aware of her sons’ infertility.

Or just someone who is principled? My principles also don’t just go out the window just because it’s my child that’s doing something unethical. I believe children should be centred and prioritised and using a donor doesn’t do that.

I’d be very torn if my children went down that route. I doubt that they would as they’ve seen the two people IRL we know grappling with the challenges that being donor conceived has caused them and the affect on their family. People don’t want to hear it because they want children, I understand that desire, but it’s still wrong imo. There’s big money in donor eggs/sperm/IVF/surrogacy unfortunately and that’s why we’re conditioned into thinking it’s ok and to hell with the consequences for the kids as they get older.

I think your unreasonable to have allowed this to happen for 4 years and more so your DH is incredibly unreasonable.
you should have given her a bollocking the first time she made a shitty comment, the second time would have meant no more contact.

Im not surprised you feel so angry and struggling to forgive, this has gone on way longer than it should have been allowed to.

I don’t think it’s unusual to disclose infertility/IVF to close family - they probably wouldn’t have anticipated such a hostile reaction to be fair.

@DrunkLineDancing

I asked that question re adoption to a poster who specifically said "She’s not a blood relative" as that was the reason they gave for seeing OP's MIL's point of view, it was nothing to do with the ethics which is a separate point.