What should I pay my mum for watching my children?

[Buddythecat1]

My mum has agreed to help out and watch my children for the few hours I'll be at work,
Never had to deal with this type of arrangement before so I don't want to offend her but equally don't want to give her heaps (because I'm not going to be raking it in either) (I'll only be on minimum wage at 12 hours but doing 40 in the next week)
How much would you offer?

I'm not surprised your mum isn't keen on looking after 4 young children tbh! £20 a week isn't as bad as your original post implied. Honestly, too late now but I don't understand why you had 4 kids when both on minimum wage, and continued having children when you knew you were relying on UC, couldn't afford childcare and can't cope mentally with being at home with the kids full time. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but you and your DH do need to accept responsibility in this situation, it is one of your choosing.

I guess you need to decide between paying your mum, staying home, or ferrying to FIL.

Me and my mum have a really healthy relationship, and I pay her to look after my children. For a start, they are in her home, using her utilities, she buys food for their lunches and has a supply of nappies, she takes them out all over to parks and on day trips. Also I am one of several siblings but currently the only one with children, so paying stops any future resentment from my siblings/their partners who might think I took the p*ss.
I pay her £10 per day. She only has one child at a time as my 3 are spaced so that we put the older one into Pre-School once they hit 3 so she has them from 9 months until then. I work Tues-Fri term time only. Still a fraction of what I'd be paying anywhere else (NW). On the (rare!) occasions we go out in an evening and they babysit we wouldn’t pay them, and they are still delighted to see my school age children at the weekend free of charge ha! They have a great relationship. It hasn’t created any strange dynamic between me and my parents or in my family at all.

@HowcanIhelp123

This is hugely judgemental and nothing to do with the subject matter of the thread.

You just thought you’d get a dig in at a low earner with more than 2 kids.

Well done you.

Multiple birth, failed contraception, better situation when pregnancy took place, disability, redundancy… I mean there are loads of reasons.

Or maybe they just wanted to have 4 kids and it’s none of your business to comment on it.

How rude.

If you already have the claim in place, you ring them and tell of new child care arrangements and give the providers details. They’ll sort it in a few wks. You’d be needing to ring them about your new job/income anyway.

I disagree, it has EVERYTHING to do with this thread. Everyone is saying how awful it is that mum is charging. Quite frankly the fact there is 4 young children is a huge factor. I wouldn't charge because I wouldn't be doing it. If her mum is retired I would assume she's in her 60's. Asking someone to look after 1/2 kids is massively different to asking a 60 odd yo to run around after 4 kids and have the responsibility of getting them ready and to school on time etc.

OP and her DH chose to have double the average number of children. As a result their childcare options are limited as many, very fairly, wouldn't have chosen to look after their own 4 so didn't have them, so they're hardly going to look after someone elses. They also can't afford to pay professional settings to look after them.

OP stated her youngest is not of school age, so is not a multiple. She also stated both have always been in minimum wage employment. Ultimately, whatever the reason, they have chosen to have 4 kids and this is therefore a situation of their own making. Doesn't affect me, but I also don't think her mum should be talked bad about because she is reluctant to look after 4 young grand children in her advancing age.

Wow! My mum always looked after our children and would never have taken a penny. She did it because she loved being with them. I can't believe a mother would ask to be paid!

She's not retired and not in her 60s, she's just chosen not to work. She hasn't worked for a number of years now.
And like I said before, dp was happy enough to be at home while I was the one out at work, but as costs are spiraling everywhere and with the NHS screwing me over by saying I had a job then eventually telling me that I didn't, it seemed to make sense that we both got part time work
It is true that I would struggle massively with dp doing ft hours but I'd never let it stop him as we need the money, we've both been applying for anything, any hours
I didn't want to have to rely on my mum because I'm well aware she could just not turn up one day then it puts our reputation at work on the line but honestly nowhere else was getting back to us

Ok I think as she’s offered to do it for £20 a week, take her up on that. Maybe round it up to 100 a month by buying her the odd little gift to show appreciation. That way you’re still making 400 a month which should make a significant difference to your family. If it ends up not working out then at least you tried. As from your updates it sounds like the MH aspect of working is just as important to you as the money.

Also now you’ve said what hours it is, that sounds better. As she’s free from 12:30 to get on with the rest of her day and do whatever she wants to do. I think it would be more onerous if it was afternoons/early evening. Good luck.

The day ones child gives birth unfortunately doesn't coincide with our own financial freedom. Grandparents have varied means and obligations and a payment in return for a significant sacrifice of time and freedom could make all the difference between just getting by and being able to afford a few pleasures in life.
I'm surprised at the people who would begrudge that to a woman who has already reared one set of children and is rolling her sleeves up in middle age to start over.
Just because GC are loved and elements of caring for them are enjoyable, it doesn't mean GP carers are not providing a huge service to parents, which it's extremely ungrateful not to acknowledge. One way of acknowledging it is payment. Obviously there are others, the most appropriate depends on circumstances.

We paid my parents for petrol / train fare and gave them money for spends to take her out for the day / lunch.
They have them over the summer holidays now and we give them money for day trips / bowling / lunches otherwise it really builds up.
It's not about the money on either side, it's appreciation.

I'm a grandmother and wouldn't expect to be paid.
I do half of the school runs and one day's after-school care, cover most strike and inset days, babysit every other week and occasionally have the children for a couple of days so she can go away.
The children will go to holiday clubs this summer and I will take and collect them as their days are shorter than a full working day.
DD invites us for a
meal she's cooked every couple of weeks which is great. I would never expect to be paid, though she does get me flowers sometimes, or takes me out for a treat. I'm happy to help her, she always asks and doesn't take my help for granted.

If you were earning a big wage then fair enough but to charge you wine you are on minimum wage is just shocking!

You can claim 85% of ofstead registered childcare costs back from Universal Credit. If your Mum wants paying it would probably be more cost effective to make other arrangements

I have spoken to three childminders today who charge between £1,200 and £1,700
This is completely unaffordable for us.
I think I'll see how it goes with my mum, if it becomes too much for her then I will leave or seriously suggest to cut my hours right down and in the mean time I'll keep om the look out for jobs that start once my dp is home

Erm…nothing!

Biscuits, maybe…?

Minding your grandchildren is pure joy. I've done it for 16 years and 4 grandchildren and at the start juggled it between doing my own job. I consider myself truly blessed 💕
My 'payment' comes in copious amounts of huggs and kisses and happy memories. I still do the school run for 3 of them and love the days they come for tea 🥰

Gosh, your mum could be my mum! Not a maternal bone in her body.

I'm in US. I retired early to take care of my grandson when my daughter went back to work. He turns 1 tomorrow. Just this week I asked if she could start paying me a little and she agreed to stay paying me $400 a month. I have him 50 hours a week so that works out to $2 an hour. My daughter is a Montessori teacher and if she put him in school there it would be $1700 a month, and she'd have to take off when he's sick or has appts which I usually take him to.
On the one hand I really felt uncomfortable asking her for money, but my husband and I just bought a second home where we will move to in 3 years when my husband retires. So we are carrying 2 mortgages and the $400 would really help. I should add that I gave up a job making $200k plus stock options, and 1 of the mortgage is for a house that my daughter and her family will be moving into after we move, just covering the mortgage which is close to the same mortgage they're currently paying for their home which they'll be able to rent out (for more than the cost of my 1st mortgage). That mortgage is also paid off in just 6 more years so they'll be in a good position once we move. My daughter will also inherit my 1st home.

TLDR: my daughter has just started paying me $2 an hour. In US, where whether or not grandmother is paid varies.

Ask her. £20 per day would be okay with me, but it depends what she wants? Also what can you afford to give?

My opinion would be to look for a nursery and claim the costs back through universal credit they help pay up to 85% of your nursery fees,

it would be a shame for you to pay your mum because you can’t claim any of the money back! imo she should want to help (if I’ve read this right) for one week? Whilst your training for one week is 43hrs?

can she not simply see this as an opportunity to spend time with her grandchildren especially of some of them are in school anyway🤔? Just to help you out..

if it’s a 12hr contract you may only need her the odd day a week, if your partner is working 20hrs chances are his days off could land on your days in..

the sensible option to me would be to use a registered childminder so you can claim back the costs.. your mum should be wanting to help improve your situation not expect to be paid for it..

have you got any friends or other family who could potentially help aswell?
I know how you feel when it comes to juggling childcare for around 4/5 children, I have 5 children and WFH full time and family are very often like “well your work from home so you can have them while you work”.. they made it very clear they wouldn’t want to help out the odd day if needed to.

this resulted in my husband reducing his hours to part time so one of us is mainly with them!
all of the people on here saying “find an evening job etc” are being silly.. at least your both trying to look for work and do something!

also depending on the age of your child/ren try and see about any funding? My son when he was 3 was entitled to 10hrs early education a week at a nursery. This helped massively.

you’ll find once your actually doing the job and your partner also it will all fit into place and you’ll see things work out, you may have the odd day where you think “oh god what plan have we got for the kids due to you both working that day” but it will be ok and you’ll both manage.

Personally I would try and just ask your mum for the odd day FOR FREE then speak to a nursery and at least then you can claim the money back.

don’t give up tho! People are negative nellys and will do anything to put others down 😊 rise above them and own it! You’ll be absolutely fine x

Nothing. I would never take money for looking after my grandchildren. But I don't know her circumstances xx

I would never charge a child of mine for childcare. Either you can do it or you cannot.

However, it doesn't sit well with me that yet another freeloading family is breeding out of control and claiming shit loads fo benefits when they simply cannot afford the children they already have.

Roll on down the line, that is 6 more people wanting NHS treatment, 6 more people wanting free dental, 6 more people taking out and nobody putting anything in.

Why should I and those like me who pay taxes support people like this ?

My mum looks after my youngest daughter and at short notice it was my only option. If she didn't I simply would not be able to work and it's long 12 hour days. I pay her £1000 a month which I think is reasonable given that nurseries etc are a lot more even with the 20% off and I would never be able to have peace of mind as nurseries could not do a 12 hour day.

I'd rather pay my own maternal mum who is fantastic and have my child with her grandma than pay a nursery full time any day. I don't understand this thing of not paying them? A favour can only go so far before it's just taking the piss. I couldn't be getting a monthly wage whilst expecting my mum to work for free, it just doesn't make any sense!

My mum has always looked after my children growing up without ever expecting anything. But I feel like this kind of commitment is different and it wouldn't feel right that she does it for free...

I think everyone's situation varies though and I'm lucky that I can afford to pay £1k a month for one child. I know a lot of people can't and situation needs to be taken into consideration too.

Agree

I'm sorry @Buddythecat1 this is a shitty position for you and your MH. I hope there is a light at the end of your tunnel... Your DC are only small for so long, they only need you for so long, they will eventually get themselves up and out the door without anyone's help.

I couldn't imagine expecting payment for looking after my GC (2), though it's all about time with me. All I ever ask for is want more time with my adult DC and my GC whether it's a walk in the park, lunch, dinner, going away together for a weekend. 4.5-5 hours at the beginning of the day isn't a lot to ask and most would still be able to fit in a whole life after 12.30pm. Not to mention all the memories we'll have of spending morning together.