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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this normal in a village?

147 replies

orabges · 04/05/2023 10:07

I grew up in a village but left as an adult life in a city/suburb so when I moved back to the area in January this year I had no experience of living in a village as an adult. It’s not really relevant but I was wary of moving back and we’ve already discussed the fact we may not stay long. I’m quite a private person and having lived in a busy suburb, I know people talk but also there’s a higher turnover of people, more diversity, people actually have busy lives and there’s more going on so I never felt in a goldfish bowl despite living in a very built up area. We moved to a detached house and intentionally kept ourselves to ourselves. I definitely wouldn’t say I am a rude person, I’m very friendly and will help out if someone needs something etc and I do like a chat, but I also value privacy. On social media last week I contacted someone I used to work with around 22 years ago to ask if their dad still did painting and decorating - he is not a friend but I know of him if you see what I mean. He responded to say yes and sent me the link to the business. He’s never lived in the village but his elderly parents live here, he’s around 45 minutes away! We have no connection to his parents and when I contacted him it was the first time we had been in touch for over a decade. Alongside the link to the business he said he had heard we were now living in the village and that I was working for x company and had been there a while and recently been promoted. What the hell? I feel like we are being talked about and I hate it. I’ve no idea who would be so interested in me and my life and who has shared this with him. I feel really uncomfortable. Is that was it’s going to be like?!

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/05/2023 10:12

I can’t really give a credible answer to this, not having lived in a village for 40 years. But this kind of thing gives me the heebie geebies and is absolutely what stops me from wanting to live rurally.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/05/2023 10:19

It comes with living in a tight knit community. I lived in a small city in the Southern US. The community I lived in was about 10,000 strong and covered about five square miles.

An 11 year old sent a dick pic to his girlfriend, within 24 hours I was told about it and I didn't know the boy, the girlfriend or anything else about them and the person who told me didn't know them either. Similarly the lady who nearly fell for a Nigerian romance scam, the health issues of a whole host of people, the latest escapade of the local Mr Angry, and where the local burglar lived.

People went to the same church, went to church house groups, ate at the same cafes and restaurants, shopped at the same supermarkets, volunteered at the same school, had children on the same sports teams so socialized during practices and games, and most of them were related to each other too. DH had to be really careful at work as whole families worked at his company. Add in people walking for exercise and frequently stopping to talk to each other and the place was a gossip mill.

transformandriseup · 04/05/2023 10:20

I have grown up in villages and people do talk about each other but it's more in a general sense. Knowing you have recently been promoted is oddly specific. Maybe you could ask at your work if anyone knows of your friend. 45 minutes in a rural area is still commuting distance so your friend could know people who work at your company.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 04/05/2023 10:32

Perfectly normal in small villages. Generally there are lots of family connections and business connections in small villages so news spreads rapidly. I don’t mind it really. I tend not to share anything I hear but maybe village life is not for you. I know where i live if new people are not seen to be making an effort to get involved in village life and get to know the locals then they are more likely to be talked about and snippets of info shared. There's no malice in it just people are curious in tight knit communities and like to know their neighbours. On the upside i have found everyone looks out for each other and keeps an eye on everyones kids and kids tend to be better behaved as they know it does not take long for word to spread if they get up to no good!

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 10:42

Normal in a real village i.e. not just a commuter satellite. People talk. Some of my family live in a village and when I visit and we are out and about I get told things like that is Mrs x whose daughter is doing well in her job at y company, etc etc. Gossip is alive and well.

BusMumsHoliday · 04/05/2023 10:43

Totally normal for village life. You lived in this village as a child? His parents have seen you in the village, probably remember you as a kid, and so mentioned this to their child because they remembered you worked together. Could your parents/family or another old friend have told them about your job?

Every time I go back to visit my parents someone I vaguely remember from childhood says, "oh so I hear you're...." They're trying to be friendly and interested in my life.

I think you're being over sensitive. Your old colleague was clearly trying to make conversation by saying something nice to you about how well you're doing.

finallygotospeaktoSky · 04/05/2023 10:51

I'm not on any social media fb etc and certainly don't discuss my life with neighbours. We moved here two years ago [close to people] but noone knows about our pasts, noone elses business. I don't gossip either.

Dita73 · 04/05/2023 10:54

Yep normal. Why did you move back?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/05/2023 10:59

I live in more of a hamlet (it's called a village but when I see the size of what most people call 'villages' it's definitely a hamlet - about 100 houses). Everyone knows everyone else by sight, fewer by name, but the web of connections means everyone is known by at least one other person. I love it. We help one another out (within our close connections) and stop to chat in the street with those less closely connected.

I'm single and live alone and it's a nice reassurance to know that someone will notice if I've not been seen out and about for a few days. Everyone knows what I do for a living and asks after it but they wouldn't know about any huge successes unless it made the local press (or I told someone who told someone else and so on).

Wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2023 11:00

Well you were using your local village information to check out a painter! It has pros and cons. The guy was being a bit too loose with the news he had but he probably thought , since you messaged him, that you were familiar with village chat and up for a catch up. I wouldn't give it much thought.

mrsbyers · 04/05/2023 11:07

Are your parents still living locally ? It sounds like something my mum would be telling people

Fidgety31 · 04/05/2023 11:10

Yes - village gossip bongo drums will spread news quicker than the internet !

Wisterical · 04/05/2023 11:13

Yes, totally normal. And the more you 'keep yourself to yourself' the more talk there will be. I think you need to start house hunting!

RedToothBrush · 04/05/2023 11:15

Yep gold fish bowl is very much it.

Everyone knows everyone else and you can't go anywhere without bumping into at least three people you know who are part of two of the three social circles you are in!

Bramshott · 04/05/2023 11:16

Yes absolutely - that's what I love about it! Just as quickly the news that so and so has been in bed with flu and would appreciate some help with food dropped off, or that so and so has broken his arm and can't drive and can someone pick up his prescription will spread, and everyone pulls together.

RedToothBrush · 04/05/2023 11:16

Fidgety31 · 04/05/2023 11:10

Yes - village gossip bongo drums will spread news quicker than the internet !

You mean the village Facebook group where the locals are utterly bloody insane and no rational human being has ever participated?

PollyAmour · 04/05/2023 11:18

I wouldn't get too het up about it. People talk about newcomers, it's not malicious. Just let it drop.

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 04/05/2023 11:18

I wouldn't like it either. I live in a big city but my neighbourhood gossips constantly. I don't talk to any of them but my dm and gdm are terrible for gossip. I gave birth really early and within 2 hours of giving birth a neighbour messaged DH on Facebook to say congratulations. The only person who knew at that point of the birth was dm. The neighbour then asked about the issue with the placenta, stitches, lots of other intimate details only DM knew about. DH was furious how much neighbour knew and confronted DM. DM lied saying "that's problem when you put it on social media". We never put anything on social media! DM then lied again saying no clue how they found out. I've since then been stopped 5 times in the street by people we do not know who seem to know every medical detail if my baby's birth. DH is furious about it as am I especially since DM had lied. We now maintain a front we tell DM and gdm nothing about me or baby health as we know they'll spread it as gossip.

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 04/05/2023 11:21

On addition to the above, DM and gdm live on next street and this neighbour who messaged us has nothing to do with them so it obviously went around the neighbourhood before getting to that neighbour.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 04/05/2023 11:21

Yep, totally normal. Everyone talks about everyone else.

SpringleDingle · 04/05/2023 11:21

Totally normal. I moved back to the village I grew up in a few years back and absolutely everyone knows everything about me (despite me not being that sociable). I can't buy bacon in the village shop at 9am without someone at the other end of the village asking me if I enjoyed my sandwich at 11am. You either get used to it or you leave!

Hbh17 · 04/05/2023 11:22

YANBU, OP. I could never live in a village, and I love the total anonymity of the city.... long may it continue!

Tarantullah · 04/05/2023 11:28

I mean it's fairly odd to message someone you haven't spoken to for a decade and haven't seen in 22 years or whatever as you know their parents used to do x sort of work. I suspect the village mentality is more ingrained in you than you think! I suspect its more as you moved back and so people already knew of you and were surprised you had returned so just casually mentioned it and someone knew what you were doing these days. If it makes you feel better I doubt any of them are overly bothered.

Thekirit · 04/05/2023 11:29

Clearly they have all googled you and are gossiping about you.
Never give out your surname maybe.
Everyone seemed to know what we were about even before we moved in. Guessing the estate agent told someone. They even knew the ages of our children, where they went to school, what we did for a living. Everything. One person stopped one of my sons for a chat in the first week walking the dog and knew his name.

The only way that could happen is they asked or were told by the estate agents. The house we bought was empty so it wasn’t the previous owners.

It bothered me at the beginning but not really now.

gannett · 04/05/2023 11:30

This is exactly why, having grown up in a village, I moved to a city as soon as I could and will never, ever live in a village again. Gave me the heeby-jeebies as a teenager. Love the anonymity of a city.

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