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AIBU?

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Original poster

is this normal in a village?

147 replies

orabges · 04/05/2023 10:07

I grew up in a village but left as an adult life in a city/suburb so when I moved back to the area in January this year I had no experience of living in a village as an adult. It’s not really relevant but I was wary of moving back and we’ve already discussed the fact we may not stay long. I’m quite a private person and having lived in a busy suburb, I know people talk but also there’s a higher turnover of people, more diversity, people actually have busy lives and there’s more going on so I never felt in a goldfish bowl despite living in a very built up area. We moved to a detached house and intentionally kept ourselves to ourselves. I definitely wouldn’t say I am a rude person, I’m very friendly and will help out if someone needs something etc and I do like a chat, but I also value privacy. On social media last week I contacted someone I used to work with around 22 years ago to ask if their dad still did painting and decorating - he is not a friend but I know of him if you see what I mean. He responded to say yes and sent me the link to the business. He’s never lived in the village but his elderly parents live here, he’s around 45 minutes away! We have no connection to his parents and when I contacted him it was the first time we had been in touch for over a decade. Alongside the link to the business he said he had heard we were now living in the village and that I was working for x company and had been there a while and recently been promoted. What the hell? I feel like we are being talked about and I hate it. I’ve no idea who would be so interested in me and my life and who has shared this with him. I feel really uncomfortable. Is that was it’s going to be like?!

OP posts:
Redebs · 04/05/2023 13:07

Sammyandtheboocas · 04/05/2023 11:38

The only problem I find with living in a village, is that there can be a strong undercurrent of right wing nastiness , which is in direct contrast to the churchy people who organise all the good inclusive community/village stuff .

Yes, being caught unawares by it too.

I was being served coffee by a sweet guy in a cafe. He was chatting about something innocuous, then suddenly came out with some awful rant about immigrants and asylum seekers. I told him that my grandfather had been an asylum seeker from 1930s Germany, but he didn't seem to get the point.

CabernetSauvignon · 04/05/2023 13:08

Presumably this information came out of a chat you were having with someone else in the village? You can't really have chats with people and then say it's all confidential and they mustn't pass it on. So if you are that private, your rule is going to have to be that you don't give out any information that you would object to having passed on.

Catspyjamas17 · 04/05/2023 13:11

Why would people in villages be more right wing?

SirVixofVixHall · 04/05/2023 13:11

Yes this is normal for village life, everyone will know everything about you. There is much less privacy than in a city. Even if you keep yourself to yourself your habits will be known to the whole village.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 04/05/2023 13:12

Yes, it’s horrible and seems to be the norm. Cannot wait to move out.

Laiste · 04/05/2023 13:12

I have lived in my smallish village for 23 years.

I would say that obviously people know each other more than say, London (where i came from) but if you want to stay under the radar it's perfectly possible.

Hardly anybody knows anything about me 😃

I find it odd that this bloke knew about your promotion. Has he stalked you on line?

londonrach · 04/05/2023 13:13

Vvvv normal and love it.

theemmadilemma · 04/05/2023 13:14

I live in a village and my 6 weekly hair appointment in the village is enough to get to know the intimate lives of people I don't know. 😂The gossip is rife!

In small close knit communities people talk and details get shared. Of course how intimate those details get depends on who you share you intimate details with.

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 13:20

Catspyjamas17 · 04/05/2023 13:11

Why would people in villages be more right wing?

Because anyone different moves out as soon as they reach adulthood.

Laiste · 04/05/2023 13:31

If you're not on social media much and don't blab about your business to lots of people, then how are folk going to know about you?

I'm friendly but i choose my close friends carefully and i don't gossip to anyone about anyone until i know them inside out and back to front and know it won't go further. I think that stops the 2 way info. exchange. If you don't gossip then folks don't seem to gossip about you.

Even though i spent 8 years working in the village school, have 4 kids myself and knew every tom dick and harry i still managed to stay private. The people who i do become close to all eventually confess that folks wonder about us as a family because know one knows much about us. There's not really that much to know 😂 I just keep it on my own terms.

3 of my DCs are grown now and they all have the knack of staying under the village gossip radar as well.

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 13:32

If you tell nobody anything, they just gossip about how unfriendly and standoffish you are.

TheNachtzehrer · 04/05/2023 13:34

Catspyjamas17 · 04/05/2023 13:11

Why would people in villages be more right wing?

Because choosing to live in a village in the first place is likely to correspond with being more small-c conservative and risk-averse in their approach to life. Because they will be much less exposed to any real diversity of thought, lifestyle, or ethnicity. Because it's much easier to "other" and dehumanise groups of people when you're not actually exposed to them IRL.

My daily commute used to take me from Brixton to the villages of rural Bucks. It was like another planet, and not in a good way.

Laiste · 04/05/2023 13:35

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 13:32

If you tell nobody anything, they just gossip about how unfriendly and standoffish you are.

Better than having every one know your business.

And then if/when you do get to know them they find out you're perfectly ok/friendly/helpful ect. Just private.

Equimum · 04/05/2023 13:38

Absolutely. Someone from our village who we only really know to say hi to, saw my DH on the train last week and started a conversation about having heard that we were looking at a specific school for our son. We had only mentioned it y on couple of people, but apparently there had been a discussion about on a dad's night out at the pub! So yeah, sounds pretty normal of village life from my experience.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 04/05/2023 13:39

People chat to each other in small communities. Share what they know and small snippets are interesting because there isn't much else than small snippets.
Doesn't mean it's malicious or mean, I keep my darkest secrets under wraps don't mind it personally and only share in conversation what I'm happy people knowing.
To be honest it's just the RL version of which lots of people have the digital equivalent in their pocket, in the form of their social media posts... Some people, don't share much and only have a few connections of course, but loads share all kinds of updates and are connected with practically anyone they've ever met. What's the difference really.
Does it matter if they know where you work?

Bluebellsinbloom41 · 04/05/2023 13:41

Hmm... I think this is a bit odd, even for a village.

About five years ago, we moved to a large village about four miles from a (small) city, quite rural, one primary school etc. I do find that a lot of people know people who know other people, there's lots of people who have family who live here etc, but I don't really mind that. It's a nice sense of community.

What I would hate though is moving back to the place I grew up, where there would chance of bumping into people you went to school with, knew your parents etc. That would be far worse!

stayathomer · 04/05/2023 13:42

yes it is but it also means a lovely sense of community and helpfulness. It's not as bad as you're preparing yourself for it to be! So what if he knows a bit about you?

LadyDanburysHat · 04/05/2023 13:43

I think in the case of you reaching out to someone who's parents you know, then there will have been jungle drums.

My MIL is like this. She has nothing going on in her life, so tells all of her friends, carers, the neighbours dog, absolutely everything about us. I dread to think how much some of the small town know about us as a a family. She can't help it, has always been like that. Oversharing information. It drives me crazy.

RobinaHood · 04/05/2023 13:44

You contacted him on social media. It's more likely he knows about your work from there.
fwiw lots of people in villages have busy lives. I doubt they're that interested in you. We moved to a village two years ago. No-one knows what I do. Unless they looked me up on social media or linkedin - but people looking at social media profiles happens everywhere not just in villages.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 04/05/2023 13:46

I life in a small town and it’s like that round here. Everyone knows everyone.

outdooryone · 04/05/2023 13:47

It sounds like typical village life to me.
Gossip usually gets around the village faster than I can walk, and if there isn't 'good gossip' then any made up gossip will do.
They are smaller places, so all of society lives closer physically and socially, with less dilution of extreme personalities.
That said, villages usually (and the more remote they are) also the places of support, of comfort and awareness. They are wonderful places - if you 'get' village life.
Truly the best and worst in society, and you have to deal with everyone, not just duck and get off at a different bus stop.

I arrived with a removals truck and was greeted at the local shop, by name, within an hour of arriving, and an enquiry about how much was I looking forward to working up at the hotel?
(Transpires the cashier was a new neighbour, who was best pals with my landlady who also worked at the hotel - so my name was known in advance of my arrival...)

Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 13:47

It wouldn’t occur to me to contact someone from decades ago to do work, so I think yoire kinda guilty yourself.

Laiste · 04/05/2023 13:54

I agree about the good side of village life.

When a flare for help goes up on the village FB page everyone pitches in.

People without enough food have posted and been fed for free.
People get free lifts into town to work when they can't afford the bus at the end of the month.
New comers are helped with boxes and moving their stuff.
Oldies shopping is done for them when they come out of hospital.
A man made homeless was given shelter. the next day.

Some of the most unlikely members of the community are the kindest. We have a biker group and a covern. The bikers were rounding up escaped sheep the other day rather than let them get out of the lanes and some of our pagan group were in charge of organising food deliveries during the pandemic.

TiredOfCleaning · 04/05/2023 13:56

My father grew up in a small village (in another country though). he said he was once speeding his car down the high street when he just had his licence. He said it did not matter how fast he was going; his mother had been told before he even got into the driveway.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 04/05/2023 13:59

@orabges On social media last week I contacted someone I used to work with around 22 years ago to ask if their dad still did painting and decorating

The obvious answer is that the person you used to work with 22 years ago has told their Dad this information. You've clearly kept in touch with each other unless you're a weirdo stalker whose just got in touch out of the blue after 22 years.

This is nothing to do with living in a village and everything to do with the fact you've just tapped up a virtual stranger to do some work for you on the basis that you once worked with their kid over two decades ago.

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