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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this normal in a village?

147 replies

orabges · 04/05/2023 10:07

I grew up in a village but left as an adult life in a city/suburb so when I moved back to the area in January this year I had no experience of living in a village as an adult. It’s not really relevant but I was wary of moving back and we’ve already discussed the fact we may not stay long. I’m quite a private person and having lived in a busy suburb, I know people talk but also there’s a higher turnover of people, more diversity, people actually have busy lives and there’s more going on so I never felt in a goldfish bowl despite living in a very built up area. We moved to a detached house and intentionally kept ourselves to ourselves. I definitely wouldn’t say I am a rude person, I’m very friendly and will help out if someone needs something etc and I do like a chat, but I also value privacy. On social media last week I contacted someone I used to work with around 22 years ago to ask if their dad still did painting and decorating - he is not a friend but I know of him if you see what I mean. He responded to say yes and sent me the link to the business. He’s never lived in the village but his elderly parents live here, he’s around 45 minutes away! We have no connection to his parents and when I contacted him it was the first time we had been in touch for over a decade. Alongside the link to the business he said he had heard we were now living in the village and that I was working for x company and had been there a while and recently been promoted. What the hell? I feel like we are being talked about and I hate it. I’ve no idea who would be so interested in me and my life and who has shared this with him. I feel really uncomfortable. Is that was it’s going to be like?!

OP posts:

ScribblingPixie · 04/05/2023 11:33

Normal. That's why I left - for the joy of no one giving a shit about me.

Nixer · 04/05/2023 11:35

It depends on the village, some are like this and some aren't.

You say you are a private person but who have you been telling about who you work for and being promoted? I don't think I have ever told anyone who my employer is apart from my partner. So it's either come from you via gossip or perhaps this man knows someone who works at the same company as you.

The guy was probably just being friendly, I'd be tempted to ask him who told him/how he knew.

blackpearwhitelilies · 04/05/2023 11:35

I once stopped at the post office in our village on my way home from work to hear chapter and verse about my visitors who I didn't even know were coming and who were at my house when I got there. I never fitted in in the village and was quite an outsider, so if they knew about me and my friends like that, God only knows what it's like for people with real connections.

TheDogthatDug · 04/05/2023 11:36

It's for the greater good...

Sammyandtheboocas · 04/05/2023 11:38

The only problem I find with living in a village, is that there can be a strong undercurrent of right wing nastiness , which is in direct contrast to the churchy people who organise all the good inclusive community/village stuff .

willWillSmithsmith · 04/05/2023 11:44

I lived in a village once but I wouldn’t do it again. Everyone knew your business and it felt claustrophobic. I live in a town now and love the general anonymity here.

TheOrigRights · 04/05/2023 11:44

Alongside the link to the business he said he had heard we were now living in the village and that I was working for x company and had been there a while and recently been promoted. What the hell? I feel like we are being talked about and I hate it. I’ve no idea who would be so interested in me and my life and who has shared this with him. I feel really uncomfortable. Is that was it’s going to be like?!

Heard you are living in the village = totally normal.
The details of your professional life = not at all normal IMO.

Who have you shared the details of your promotion with?

I have lived in a village for over 25 years. Only my friends know what I do for a living and I don't share details of promotions with them.

Welshwabbit · 04/05/2023 11:46

I grew up in what was technically a town, but in practice the size of a village. Any piece of information, no matter how apparently inconsequential, made its way around the established networks (one of which was the small supermarket where I worked). It was just how things were.

finallyover · 04/05/2023 11:47

Isn't it more likely as you got in touch with him via Social Media that he looked on there? Have you checked your privacy settings? I am always amazed at how much personal information people give away.

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 11:47

The only villages that are not like this are commuter villages i.e. everyone commutes in and out of the nearest city and don't have anything to do with their neighbours. Real villages are always like this. Its why so many people born in them move out as soon as they can. They are real pros of village life - you can easily get support and help if you need it. But you can not be anonymous.

potatohead1 · 04/05/2023 11:47

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 04/05/2023 10:32

Perfectly normal in small villages. Generally there are lots of family connections and business connections in small villages so news spreads rapidly. I don’t mind it really. I tend not to share anything I hear but maybe village life is not for you. I know where i live if new people are not seen to be making an effort to get involved in village life and get to know the locals then they are more likely to be talked about and snippets of info shared. There's no malice in it just people are curious in tight knit communities and like to know their neighbours. On the upside i have found everyone looks out for each other and keeps an eye on everyones kids and kids tend to be better behaved as they know it does not take long for word to spread if they get up to no good!

Sounds horrific. I can see why witches were burned in villages. Anyone not following the expected protocols are considered strange and talked about. Suits no one but narrow minded gossips who love to spread drama.

CheersForThatEh · 04/05/2023 11:50

Surely your facebook friend just relayed what she had seen on your profile I.e. what you had already shared with her.

If you are going to contact an old friend of course they will say stuff like "oh yeah, you remember Jan, she is to be in school with me. Well, now shes living in X and moving to Y and wondered if you could do her decorating."

Totally normal.

AndrewPreview · 04/05/2023 11:56

TheDogthatDug · 04/05/2023 11:36

It's for the greater good...

THE GREATER GOOD...

I grew up in a rural village, moved out at the first opportunity.

MeetMyCat · 04/05/2023 11:59

Having lived in villages most of life, what you describe is pretty normal, people generally mean well!

transformandriseup · 04/05/2023 11:59

I honestly don't find it horrific at all and we certainly don't have any village protocols. I understand it's not for everyone though.

WonderingWanda · 04/05/2023 12:04

I think if you used to work together then the knowledge about your career is likely to have come through someone you know mutually who knows about your recent promotion. I doubt it is anything sinister. He probably went to work and said 'Hey guess who got in touch with me the other day' and a colleague said 'oh yes, I heard she was working at so and so and doing really well for herself'. I doh t any of them are that bothered about you and it's not really gossip, just being sociable and catching up.

Why are you so against people knowing anything about you? I find that a weird attitude to be honest. I've just got a new job and if someone said 'Oh, I heard you had a new job, well done' I wouldn't phase me in the least. It's not exactly a secret.

AnnPerkins · 04/05/2023 12:06

No. I live in a village of approx 1600 people. I don't know what any of my neighbours do for a living. Even many of my actual friends here don't know what I do for a living.

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:06

Yes, obviously when you live in a small place people tend to know each other and about each other much more.

But your notion that nobody in a village has a busy life or anything to do, and they're all just waiting for you to entertain them....get over yourself! You're not that interesting.

Ohhmydays · 04/05/2023 12:08

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/05/2023 10:19

It comes with living in a tight knit community. I lived in a small city in the Southern US. The community I lived in was about 10,000 strong and covered about five square miles.

An 11 year old sent a dick pic to his girlfriend, within 24 hours I was told about it and I didn't know the boy, the girlfriend or anything else about them and the person who told me didn't know them either. Similarly the lady who nearly fell for a Nigerian romance scam, the health issues of a whole host of people, the latest escapade of the local Mr Angry, and where the local burglar lived.

People went to the same church, went to church house groups, ate at the same cafes and restaurants, shopped at the same supermarkets, volunteered at the same school, had children on the same sports teams so socialized during practices and games, and most of them were related to each other too. DH had to be really careful at work as whole families worked at his company. Add in people walking for exercise and frequently stopping to talk to each other and the place was a gossip mill.

This is like the town i am in. Half are all interconnected in some way, Everyone knows nearly everyone and the kids, dogs, what size of shoe(maybe not quite shoe size) lol but thats about the just of it. Everyone knows everyone’s business even if you try keep yourself to yourself. Can’t even fart and the whole town knows so i can imagine living in a small village is 10x as bad

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 04/05/2023 12:08

Totally normal village life. The upside is that help is always on hand if you need it, even other villagers you don’t know will happily lend you things.

Just wait until they start making things up about you, that’s happened to me a few times!

BonjourCrisette · 04/05/2023 12:10

I too would find this horrible and intrusive (which is why I live in London). But YAB a bit U if you thought it was going to be any different!

dancinfeet · 04/05/2023 12:12

Yes, I live in a small rural town (moved here from a nearby city) and also spent a couple of years living in a village a few miles away. It is 100% like this, everyone knows pretty much everyone and is into each others’ business both in the village and in the town. I had a competitor business bad mouthing mine a while back out of petty jealousy and it did a fair amount of damage- it wouldn’t have worked nearly as well in a large town or city.

anyolddinosaur · 04/05/2023 12:14

Yes. Also normal that people in the village will band together to help if you have a problem. There are advantages of living in a place with a community spirit as well as disadvantages.

It isnt just villages. Once lived in a place with a massive population and still had someone ask me one day about the place I had visited the previous evening. It hadnt been a planned visit so not like I'd talked about it either.

TheOrigRights · 04/05/2023 12:15

AnnPerkins · 04/05/2023 12:06

No. I live in a village of approx 1600 people. I don't know what any of my neighbours do for a living. Even many of my actual friends here don't know what I do for a living.

I just looked up the population of my village - 1580.
Thinking about my immediate neighbours. Do I know what they do?

Number 14 - a couple. Dunno. I think they work regular office hours by the pattern of their cars being at home.
Number 16 - retired
Number 18 - vaguely. We get on very well but don't talk about work.
Number 20 (me) - Yes!
22 - a couple. Yes. They told me when they moved in.
24 - retired
26 - yes, because I saw on her FB profile
28 - retired
30 - yes. We are friends and talk about our work.
32 - yes, because he has caused ructions parking his work van in residents' parking spots.

I also have a lot of proper friends in the village. I know what they do and they might offer up more information, but only in the same way any friend would i.e. nothing about living in a village makes them tell me more or less than my town and city friends.

Thepooroldwolfisdead · 04/05/2023 12:15

It's the narrow minded bigotry that gets to me more than the gossip, that's usually just info. I'm always staggered at the casual racism thrown into nearly every conversation. Moved to a city as soon as I could.

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