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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be fed up he hasn't checked in?

174 replies

itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 01:14

Dh is away with work. He went early doors this morning and isn't due back until later tomorrow. I last 'spoke ' to him at 3.30pm about a class party. It's now past 1 and I've heard nothing from him. He normally texts when he's finished work, got to his room, is heading out for tea etc.
he hates being away hence the back and forth we normally do.
(FYI happily married for over ten years, been together twenty years. No issues there)
I've messaged him around 8pm telling him that me and our daughters were settling down to watch a programme that the three of us watch without him. I didn't check my phone again until late but still nothing. Checked on his 'find my' and the last check in it did was at 11.45pm.
Then i start worrying. Send a couple of where are you? Are you ok messages. Then an hour later one of his colleagues messages saying 'husband has had his stuff nicked but is back at the hotel and his phone is going on charge'
So now I'm worrying what has been stolen and also weirded out that one of his colleagues who I have never had dealings with is messaging me.
Argh. I think I'm probably just overtired.

OP posts:
user1497782758 · 04/05/2023 13:55

Hbh17 · 04/05/2023 10:25

Adults don't need to "check in". He is obviously fine, so not sure why you would be worried. Possibly, if he had had a theft, he may have been busy sorting stuff out. I know everyone is different, but I just don't understand how people can live like this - my husband would not bother to mention any of this until he got back home, thank goodness!

You don't understand how people can message their partners a few times a day? So melodramatic 😆

I love how these threads always bring out the pick me types 👀

wispatwirl · 04/05/2023 14:00

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 11:31

Oh, and you'd had a text from him at this point?!? Mortified is all I can say.

Show quote history

I'd think you should be more mortified at your lack of comprehension. Try rereading OP's posts.

Roughashouses · 04/05/2023 14:00

People tripping over themselves to be as contrary as possible. Imagine wanting to your husband?! No, imagine not being able to imagine that some people want to talk to their partners.

I'm glad all is ok OP.

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 14:40

Thanks all, I have no doubts that he's telling the truth. He bloody loves the bag they've stolen and his job is pretty pressured so the inconvenience of having to sort out all the bits that have gone is a nightmare for him.
Luckily he was at the main office so the tech team have sorted him with new work equipment and a bag but obviously he's lost all the person stuff.
The tech team were saying that it happens a lot and one of their 'regulars' was on his fourth laptop.
Lesson learnt anyway and he will be home later on.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 04/05/2023 14:41

Along with competitive undereating, the race to see who can give the least possible shits about someone they've chosen to spend their lives with is one of the most bizarre things about MN!

CastlesinSpain · 04/05/2023 14:50

LOL - it's the dependable people you worry about most when they don't call or are late etc. DH used to do a lot of long distance commuting and I used to be worried sick if he didn't call within about an hour of when he promised.

MissyB1 · 04/05/2023 14:52

DysmalRadius · 04/05/2023 14:41

Along with competitive undereating, the race to see who can give the least possible shits about someone they've chosen to spend their lives with is one of the most bizarre things about MN!

Yep bizarre and incredibly tedious! So desperate to show the rest of us how cool they are.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/05/2023 14:53

DysmalRadius · 04/05/2023 14:41

Along with competitive undereating, the race to see who can give the least possible shits about someone they've chosen to spend their lives with is one of the most bizarre things about MN!

This. Though I think a good part of it is simply the chance to try kick someone when they are down. Either way, very sad.

BigButtons · 04/05/2023 14:57

There are some really really sad posters on this thread. I guess they must have miserable, lonely lives. Glad he's ok @itsokiwasawake but awful about the theft.
Dp and I text frequently- often silly stuff. What matters what is normal for each couple. If they normally text a certain way and have done for years and years and then suddenly don't then of course alarm bells will go off. That's normal.

OnlyFannys · 04/05/2023 14:59

MissyB1 · 04/05/2023 14:52

Yep bizarre and incredibly tedious! So desperate to show the rest of us how cool they are.

Show quote history

I dont even understand why they think it's cool that they dont speak to their partners? Depressing in my opinion

JulieHoney · 04/05/2023 15:03

OP, it'm glad it was somethingn only inconvenient rather than more serious. I bet your poor DH can't wait to get home after all that palaver.

We keep in contact like you do when DH works away. Ignore those miserable souls who think there's something wrong with that.

Bookworm20 · 04/05/2023 15:06

whoruntheworldgirls · 04/05/2023 13:20

Sorry he's been through this OP. that's really shit.
We're the same as you, when my husband goes away we check in, he lets me know when he's leaving the office/then the restaurant/back in his room/when he's on the train, plus we text random stuff in between, i'll do the same when i go away for work. We like to keep in touch.

Yep, same for us.

And if he or I went away and didn't get in touch the other would be worried. We have a totally normal loving relationship!

I honestly don't get peoples replies telling OP to chill or why contact him or its cringe. You don't keep in touch when partner is away, Fine. Thats how you do things. Other people do keep in touch though! And if its out of character to not hear from them or be able to get hold of them, its normal to worry!

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 15:09

My husband would always check in while away.
Always.
Even a quick text to say "all fine" if he was socialising.

How awful to have his stuff stolen.

My husbands colleagues bag was stolen in Finland and it had his wallet, laptop, passport, phone, total nightmare for him.

My husband was travelling with him and found it stressful.

Awful hassle to sort out.

Some couples like to stay in touch.

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 15:13

JulieHoney · 04/05/2023 15:03

OP, it'm glad it was somethingn only inconvenient rather than more serious. I bet your poor DH can't wait to get home after all that palaver.

We keep in contact like you do when DH works away. Ignore those miserable souls who think there's something wrong with that.

Yep, he just wants to be home now. I think his train will be leaving soon so in a few hours he will be home. He can't wait to have a shower and get out of his two day old clothes!

OP posts:
Pallisers · 04/05/2023 15:14

DysmalRadius · 04/05/2023 14:41

Along with competitive undereating, the race to see who can give the least possible shits about someone they've chosen to spend their lives with is one of the most bizarre things about MN!

Seriously! Dh and I often text and talk when we are away. We like talking to each other. And if I had gone away for work and had my bag stolen, damn right I'd be telling DH all the details the next morning - he wouldn't have to "grill" me about it to get the story.

Still this thread was worth it for @PhoenixIsFlying's mispost alone - epic.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 15:27

NashvilleQueen · 04/05/2023 12:28

There's so much minute detail in that last update! Either you have had to grill him to get that info or he's so aware of your need to know every single aspect of his life that he's talked you through each moment of it.

To an outsider, which we all are, it doesn't seem healthy.

To you it doesn't seem healthy...

beeskipa · 04/05/2023 15:32

AIBU at its finest here...!

This would worry me too OP - DH and I check in pretty regularly throughout the day, so it'd be out of character (and no, before the hounds attack - we're not controlling or needy, we just enjoy having stupid inane conversations throughout the day about what we're up to, haha)

Glad he's alright.

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 15:47

AIBU at its finest here...!
@beeskipa 😂 I should have known better but I was sooo tired!
Thank you x

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/05/2023 15:56

I'm glad he's fine OP. Do you generally get quite anxious? I know you communicate loads generally but do neither of you get caught up in something and go quiet for a while? Or is this just because he's communicative on work trips and if he was out with friends or something you'd be fine with delayed responses?

purplecorkheart · 04/05/2023 15:58

As you said he needs to learn your number but also he needs to leave you the name of the hotel where he is staying so at least you can always contact him via the hotel.

Lozois99 · 04/05/2023 16:07

DysmalRadius · 04/05/2023 14:41

Along with competitive undereating, the race to see who can give the least possible shits about someone they've chosen to spend their lives with is one of the most bizarre things about MN!

This. I genuinely pity the 'pick mes' on here who are so desperate to show how they dont give a fuck and anyone who does is a controlling psycho.

Her partner of twenty years suddenly went silent completely contrary to every routine they've ever established. Any normal person would be concerned.

FurAndFeathers · 04/05/2023 16:28

NashvilleQueen · 04/05/2023 12:28

There's so much minute detail in that last update! Either you have had to grill him to get that info or he's so aware of your need to know every single aspect of his life that he's talked you through each moment of it.

To an outsider, which we all are, it doesn't seem healthy.

Where’s the minute detail?

it’s exactly the information that would come out of a normal conversation.

please don’t attempt to speak for all of us when being unkind to the OP @NashvilleQueen

RampantIvy · 04/05/2023 16:29

Softoprider · 04/05/2023 12:24

Why on earth have you brought this to Mumsnet OP? You clearly have trust issues and this is the place to magnify them

Why on earth do you think it is OK to put the boot in to someone who us clearly worried about their DH?

Are you always this nasty?

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 16:31

purplecorkheart · 04/05/2023 15:58

As you said he needs to learn your number but also he needs to leave you the name of the hotel where he is staying so at least you can always contact him via the hotel.

Definitely! It's never been a problem before but I guess it isn't until it is!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/05/2023 16:37

I'm one who often thinks people can sound suffocating and controlling.

However I don't think you sounded like that at all - your concern was understandable. I'm sorry he has such an unpleasant experience and hope he's back home soon.