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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up he hasn't checked in?

174 replies

itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 01:14

Dh is away with work. He went early doors this morning and isn't due back until later tomorrow. I last 'spoke ' to him at 3.30pm about a class party. It's now past 1 and I've heard nothing from him. He normally texts when he's finished work, got to his room, is heading out for tea etc.
he hates being away hence the back and forth we normally do.
(FYI happily married for over ten years, been together twenty years. No issues there)
I've messaged him around 8pm telling him that me and our daughters were settling down to watch a programme that the three of us watch without him. I didn't check my phone again until late but still nothing. Checked on his 'find my' and the last check in it did was at 11.45pm.
Then i start worrying. Send a couple of where are you? Are you ok messages. Then an hour later one of his colleagues messages saying 'husband has had his stuff nicked but is back at the hotel and his phone is going on charge'
So now I'm worrying what has been stolen and also weirded out that one of his colleagues who I have never had dealings with is messaging me.
Argh. I think I'm probably just overtired.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/05/2023 10:40

AtChoService · 04/05/2023 07:35

It's not odd to talk through the day.

What I find odder is this MN thing of going away and not speaking/texting/checking in from the moment you leave until the second you get home. That's not normal imo.

No, it's not odd. But it's odd to get into such a flap when he's away for one night.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/05/2023 10:43

@AutumnCrow that puzzled me a bit. I assume OP means she's had a text, but not physically spoken to DH?

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 04/05/2023 10:45

He messaged you at 7.08 so why didn't you phone him straight away? Why message his colleague with your phone number and a message for him to call you? He would already have your number saved in his (now) charged up phone? All seems a bit odd OP.

purplecorkheart · 04/05/2023 11:06

Please do not contact the Colleague again. She was kind enough to let you know what was happening last night but it is unfair to involve her anymore in this saga.

happypoobum · 04/05/2023 11:15

This just doesn’t make sense.

OP why would you use messenger to contact the colleague and ask her to get DH to call you?

You know he has his phone. It’s on charge and he’s texting you from it.

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 11:30

Oh my god, I'd actually be mortified if I was away with work and DH contacted one of my colleagues of facebook just because I'd not called him in 8 hours. I mean I am not even sure what I would do. It would cause really serious issues for us. How embarrassing for him 😕

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 11:31

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 11:30

Oh my god, I'd actually be mortified if I was away with work and DH contacted one of my colleagues of facebook just because I'd not called him in 8 hours. I mean I am not even sure what I would do. It would cause really serious issues for us. How embarrassing for him 😕

Oh, and you'd had a text from him at this point?!? Mortified is all I can say.

greyhairnomore · 04/05/2023 11:42

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 11:30

Oh my god, I'd actually be mortified if I was away with work and DH contacted one of my colleagues of facebook just because I'd not called him in 8 hours. I mean I am not even sure what I would do. It would cause really serious issues for us. How embarrassing for him 😕

Same #cringe

midsomermurderess · 04/05/2023 12:02

If you have anxieties like you do around your husband catching up while way, Mumsnet is the very worst place to air then. You’ll end up 10 times more anxious than you started. Just a few posts in and someone is implying he’s messing around. And then the, can I get an update stuff starts. For your own peace of mind, step away from this over-excited madness.

ShandaLear · 04/05/2023 12:08

Why didn’t he just borrow his workmates phone and call or message you himself? He could even have done it via messenger if he didn’t know your number. To me that’s the really obvious thing to do.

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:10

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 11:30

Oh my god, I'd actually be mortified if I was away with work and DH contacted one of my colleagues of facebook just because I'd not called him in 8 hours. I mean I am not even sure what I would do. It would cause really serious issues for us. How embarrassing for him 😕

You do realise that it was the colleague that messaged me?

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 04/05/2023 12:13

itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:10

You do realise that it was the colleague that messaged me?

Show quote history

And the only reply you should have sent was Thank you for letting me know. Not to ask her to act as a go between.

Queestuproblema · 04/05/2023 12:14

OP people on here are vile little vipers sometimes.

It makes perfect sense that if his stuff was stolen after the debacle he just went back to his room and went to sleep. I’m sure you’ll hear from him soon. It must be worrying though. I get anxious if a problem is told to me then that person disappears from messaging even if the issue isn’t about me. So I understand.

WandaWonder · 04/05/2023 12:14

itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:10

You do realise that it was the colleague that messaged me?

Show quote history

How did they have your details?

Queestuproblema · 04/05/2023 12:15

WandaWonder · 04/05/2023 12:14

How did they have your details?

Show quote history

They messaged on Facebook. Are people that out of the loop on social media that they don’t realise you can type someone’s name and send a message request. Presumably the colleague working away with her DP knows his wife’s name enough to find her on Facebook.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/05/2023 12:17

itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:10

You do realise that it was the colleague that messaged me?

Show quote history

Why didn’t you ring him or text him as soon as he text you this morning?!

VisionsOfSplendour · 04/05/2023 12:19

WandaWonder · 04/05/2023 12:14

How did they have your details?

Show quote history

Apart from the fact that a Facebook message doesn't need details unless the husband was unable to communicate he would have, you know, told the colleague

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 12:19

itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:10

You do realise that it was the colleague that messaged me?

Show quote history

Still - "ok thanks" should have been more than sufficient.

Also cringe that your husband should feel the need to ask someone he works with to let you know. Again I can't even imagine a scenario where I would ask this.

VisionsOfSplendour · 04/05/2023 12:23

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 12:19

Still - "ok thanks" should have been more than sufficient.

Also cringe that your husband should feel the need to ask someone he works with to let you know. Again I can't even imagine a scenario where I would ask this.

Show quote history

Really, you can't imagine a situation in which someone has been robbed, doesn't have a working phone and would ask a person to get a message to their loved one?

Are you hard of empathy? If you were the colleague would you not think to offer to pass on a message?

Posters on here are so unlike actual people sometime

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:23

Sorry I've been busy and only just getting back to this now.
He sent me a message earlier saying that he had been out and got a charger and was now sat at the office charging his phone.
It had been dead since he sent the last message.
What happened was they went out for tea which is where I could see his last location. Everyone put their bags under the table whilst they ate and at some point dhs bag had been stolen. It had his laptop, iPad, chargers, battery pack, toiletries and clothes in it.
Once they've realised they've spoken to the manager who said 'oh that happens a lot' he's then told them he will look at cctv in the morning.
He then went looking locally to see if anyone had dumped them and when they hadn't and he saw his phone had died he asked his colleague to get hold of me the only way they could at that point which was fb. She genuinely won't have been bothered by this or by my message this morning.
He went back to his hotel and asked the night receptionist if they had any spare chargers. They didn't but he let Dh use his. So Dh left his phone at reception for a while then went back down for it. In that time it had barely charged so as soon as he sent me the message it died again.
He's gone to bed angry about the theft and hasn't slept much at all.
As soon as he got up he's gone and bought a charger and taken it to the office where he is sat with no laptop and in yesterday clothes which he will not be happy about.
He just wants to come home now but his train isn't until 15.30 so he won't be back until later on.
He's normally super careful with stuff but I assume that as everyone is sat round the same table they've thought their belongings to be pretty safe.
To people asking why I didn't ring, his phone was dead.
To people assuming he's having an affair, he isn't.
To people who think I'm being controlling, I'm not.
To people who don't check in with their partners when they are ok, that's fine, that's not what we do.
If this was normal behaviour for him, and us, then I wouldn't have given it a second thought. It was the abnormality of it that made we worry.
I'm just glad he's ok, early this morning I wasn't sure if he had been mugged for his belongings. It was the early hours, I hadn't slept and I was really worried.
Thanks to those that got that, I appreciate your input.

OP posts:
Softoprider · 04/05/2023 12:24

Why on earth have you brought this to Mumsnet OP? You clearly have trust issues and this is the place to magnify them

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:24

@Shinyandnew1 his phone was dead

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 04/05/2023 12:25

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 12:19

Still - "ok thanks" should have been more than sufficient.

Also cringe that your husband should feel the need to ask someone he works with to let you know. Again I can't even imagine a scenario where I would ask this.

Show quote history

Huh? Well obviously not everyone thinks like you. Maybe the colleague offered?

I would 100% expect my DH to let me know if he was uncontactable through the usual routes while on a trip.

Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:25

@VisionsOfSplendour thank you. I thought it was pretty normal! Not 'cringe' 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
itsokiwasawake · 04/05/2023 12:26

Softoprider · 04/05/2023 12:24

Why on earth have you brought this to Mumsnet OP? You clearly have trust issues and this is the place to magnify them

Hmmm, maybe it's because it's a chat forum and that's what people do on here?

OP posts:
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