AIBU to “cancel” my friend coming to help post birth?

[AwkwardArmadillo]

I’m 33 weeks pregnant, likely to give birth via c section around 34-36wk (most likely 35) due to a combo of medical reasons which I won’t get fully into, but rather than a standard c-section, it’ll be an up and down cut (open laparotomy) potentially including a hysterectomy and other procedures.

Recovery is going to be tough and potentially include a substantial hospital stay for me. I hoped to get further along than 35ish weeks but for various reasons including a decline in my health, it won’t be possible.

this is my first and (obviously) likely only child.

I have a friend who lives a substantial distance away (flight needed).
While I do have strong local support, my friend offered to come to stay to help me with recovery and the new baby.

Around 16/17 weeks I was considering it and said I’d let her know. We remained in regular contact, but unfortunately, this clearly sounded like a “yes” to her and it became clear she assumed that’s what I meant. I have repeatedly said “we’ll see, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea” but she seems to want to argue it with me and I’ve not had the strength.

this pregnancy has been brutal, if I’m honest, with over 20 hospital admissions and multiple late nights at A+E plus a fair share of mental health struggles, I should’ve been more direct but I did express my concerns to her. I do admit my fault for not putting my foot down. There are many reasons I’ve turned off of the idea, and I’ll include her rebuttals. example:

friend has a 7yr old child. Obviously, the child would come with her. I don’t necessarily feel comfortable hosting a boisterous child, especially while dealing with a potentially difficult recovery road.

friend says “We’d have our own space, we’ll stay out of your way when you need a breather.” (I have a spare room).

I did also say there may be things related to my recovery that are messy, difficult, uncomfortable and she may not want her DC present to witness it. It’ll also be a nightmare for her DC if I have an extended stay in hospital IMHO.
friend says “If needed, DC can be left with a sitter.” But I know the expense for that would be mine to bear (explained further below).

friend has a low income, meaning I will be left footing the bill for her flights, travel, etc.

She knows I can technically afford it, but I’m trying really hard to save money/not touch savings because I’m taking substantial time off of work (and I’m self employed so mat pay etc is limited).
when I mention cost is an issue, suddenly she offers to pay half or “try to get a credit card” (for various reasons I doubt that would work).

I had a scare a few days ago (light bleeding, monitoring session in hospital), now she’s more insistent than ever, to the point where she’s disregarding that I don’t have time to accommodate her, settle her + her child in, travel several hours each way to do airport pick up, etc.

I know she can sense my hesitancy because recently all she wants to talk about is how “difficult” things are at home (she’s in her 30s but lives with her family, whereas I live alone) and how she “can’t wait for a break”. She’s also mentioned how “excited” her DS is to come. It’s becoming very clear to me that it’s less about helping me and more about helping herself, but I don’t see a way of navigating out of this while retaining our previously very lovely friendship of several years.

aibu to cancel this? And WIBU to ask MN for some advice as to how to go about it? I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly putting my business into rest mode, so to speak, and making sure everything is ready for the baby. But I need to address this soon. Help?

Look jenny, I've already told you that I don't think it's a good idea but you're not hearing me. I already have a good support system set up which includes family staying with me in turn so there's no spare room. What you've offered won't be as beneficial to me as you think, so it's a firm no to you both coming. I would not cope with the 2 of you here.

Thank you for understanding.

You sound magnificent!

This.

No mention of a future visit.

Stopping engaging with her at all is very wise.

No further responding to any texts.

She is a stress point and will continue to be such.

Step away from her.

The good news is, she doesn’t have the means to even get herself there. Suppose she was just expecting free access to your bank account, to buy food and necessities while in residence, too.

I hope it's possible to have HRT because instantaneous total menopause is full on too.

I think that’s only if the ovaries are taken also.

You absolutely can drive before 6 weeks if your insurance allows. Mine was 'as soon as you feel able ' which was day 13 for me after an emergency section under general and a near hysterectomy too ( placental complications/acreta by any chance, OP?)

OP I’m repeating what others have said but you must be direct in saying “I do not want you to come and visit after the baby arrives”. I think any good friend would understand that birth plans and aftercare are often very fluid. I think if she makes out that you have betrayed her (you haven’t and it’s a manipulative tactic) I would be firm and say she didn’t listen but repeat again that you “do not want her to visit”. Don’t get drawn into further discussions about it.
On a practical level after CS - I’d fully recommend a changing unit that you can stand at with a drawer underneath for any nappies/creams/spare vests. Have as much as you can at standing height and next to your bed. Good luck OP.

Definitely cancel, very directly today OP.

When you think of the difficulty you're having dealing with her, as in trying to get her to show any regard for what you are saying, at a remove, imagine how difficult it will be to try and get her to listen when you're post Caeserean, possibly post surgery, have new baby so are exhausted in any case. It sounds like she'll do what she wants and your wishes will be ignored whether deliberately or not.

Just no. It would be total disaster. The boisterous home schooled little boy will be thinking he is coming for some kind of holiday. He will obviously be sorely disappointed, so this will cause stress in itself, having a bored noisy 7 year old kicking about the house.
You are going to need total peace and quiet to recover and bond with your baby. You have been given excellent advice up thread, and I think the sooner you contact her the better.
As previously mentioned, if it does get too tough for you there is plenty of professional help that you can employ to get you through.
Try not to worry too much about upsetting her, she doesn’t appear to have your best interests at heart.
Wishing you all the very best 💐

Hey OP have you messaged her.

^ This is bloody perfect!

Have you been in touch yet? I think you need to be quite blunt.

This offer of "help" has been stressing you out, you'll have to pay for it, and as you've identified, it's more about a free holiday for her and her DC than it is to actually help you. If you were to spend money, rather than spending it on them, you could spend it on paid help, which would both be more useful, and wouldn't make you feel guilty, as that would be a transactional relationship.

The previous advice has been good - you need to be blunt about why this won't work for you, tell her that as a friend you know she'll understand and archive the chat immediately. I wouldn't wait for her to argue - I'd say that because you've been quite overwhelmed with messages from everyone, you're turning off notifications so you can focus on your baby with help from the local relatives who are already there looking after you.

OP... put yourself first for once. I dare you.

Hope she accepts your clear message that you won't need her to come. If she doesn't, then tough. You have to prioritise your and your baby's needs now. You don't have time or mental energy to handle other people's issues right now.

As pregnancy progresses, we change our plans and priorities to reflect the new role we're taking on. Being kind to other people and letting them come for a break may seem like a fun idea at 12 weeks, but as the realities of birth and newborn life dawn on you, the realisation is that it will be hell.

You have nothing to feel guilty or sad about disappointing her. Don't say anything to modify the refusal; don't hint at future visits. Just thank her for the offer, but say youve realised it's not going to work out.

All the best for a safe delivery and comfortable recovery x

I echo what others have said. You need to firmly tell her no and that you have arranged local support as it suits you better to do so.
It will be unbearable having her and her child around you 24/7 when you are trying to feed and bond, it can ruin those important early moments and memories and therefore increase the chance of PND.
Don’t let her bully or guilt you into allowing her stay, you will regret it.
I hope you have managed to speak to her this morning and it went well. Put yourself and your baby first, a good friend will understand and if she doesn’t then she isn’t a good friend anyway and you have had a lucky escape.
I had a friend of 20 years demand she is to be my birth partner, despite knowing I have a supportive partner who obviously wants to see his baby being born and it wasn’t up for discussion. She was very pushy and it made things awkward. We no longer speak (not just that for reason but it was one of many so I went NC). No one has the right to make plans for you, particularly when you’re vulnerable.
Best of luck with the birth and baby OP, it may feel a struggle at first but that whirlwind soon turns into bliss and it’s all worth it in the end.

You need to crack on before she puts the flights on her credit card and expects you to pay the bill.

You obviously don't want to be unkind to someone who has hitherto appeared a good friend, but really it's not kind to keep her hanging on expecting to come. Ripping off the ol' plaster is better than being vague (although you can be sure she won't thank you for it). Then you can take one worry off your plate at least.

One horrible thought that occurred to me is that if she did come before the birth, supposing your hospital stay was longer than expected for one reason or another (though hopefully it'll all be smooth), your "friend" and her "boisterous" child will have the run of your house for perhaps several weeks. How much do you really trust them? Will it be ready to move back into with a vulnerable newborn after they've been living there unsupervised? Not a risk worth taking IMO. You'd rather make the place ready before you go in and then maybe your mum whip in to do a quick look round, dust etc the day before you get back.

(I mean, it'll probably be fine and all that... but can just see "your room was larger, I hope you don't mind we used it while you weren't here, can you wait a bit while we just tidy up" sort of thing, ARGH CARNAGE... even if they behave perfectly I for one would stress the life out of myself not knowing what I'd be coming back to!)

What is more, after the home help has done her 2 or 3 hours she will LEAVE. She won't inflict a 7-year-old on you or expect you to chat to her for hours or cook her a meal!

OP, you have been given so much good advice... but I also wanted to add that it is really liberating when you finally start being able to challenge behaviours like this (and which in this case are very, very clearly not in your - or your baby's - interest). Soon you will be advocating for both you and your baby and having to set all sorts of new boundaries so it's a good time to start practising. Good luck.

Best of luck OP. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time.

You need to stop ignoring the issue and be direct. Phone her and say it isn't going to work for you so she isn't welcome at this time. You don't live in the same country if you lose the friendship so what? I'm assuming you have other friends and the next few months you will be knee deep in your own recovery and baby.

The meal service and having a cleaner is a great idea. As you be said your mum will happily spend all day with you so that's a lot of help. Id just fouble check with your mum that she is clear she will be doing the actual physical taking care of baby for those first few weeks for you. Just so there is no crossed wires about how much physical help you will actually need. I'd ask your siblings if they'd be willing to liase with your mum and help now and again to give her a rest. Is there any way you can stretch to a night time nanny that way your mum can help during the day bit get a good night's sleep and be refreshed?

It will be difficult in the beginning op you'll want to take care of your own baby but be limited physically. The most important advice I can give you is do not rush it, allow your body to heal, take the painkillers and absolutely rest when your mum has the baby. Best of luck op. x

YABU for not being clear.
Get a message to her straight away so she's not dangling around waiting for you. I bet you wouldn't want your time wasted.

I'd say something like Hey, we've regrouped here and it looks like we should be ok to manage things. No need for you guys to book a flight, seems too expensive and unnecessary. We'll arrange a visit soon when we're all more up and running. Sorry to keep you waiting around xx

That would be my response I believe. Crystal clear and unequivocal, which is what this person needs to hear if you don't want her muscling in and then being reluctant to leave (with her 7 year old DS in tow too). If she then still won't leave you alone then block her everywhere.

Send it today. If she really is a friend she will realise that she has overstepped the boundaries, apologise and back off for a while. If she isn't then she will kick off about it and you will realise that you have dodged a bullet (and will have to block her).

It is true that you are likely to need help when your baby is here, though it does sound like both of you will be in hospital at first. I'm sure your family are more than capable of providing what you need, and would also probably prefer to look after you and meet the new baby without cheeky fucker getting under their feet.

I will wish you well for whatever remains of your pregnancy, and I hope that the delivery and your additional surgery go as smoothly as possible.

so true grimbelina about boundaries getting stronger with a child. But there is that newborn period when you are so vulnerable and that can really be messed with if you let the boundary-pushers through your door (speaking from experience.) No one would ever try and pull this tactic with a second-time mum.

No, no and no again.

I agree with PP that it sounds like she's planning a long-term stay. My guess is that you'd struggle to get her to leave once she was there, especially if you are footing the bill for everything.

Dear CF,
It's kind of you to offer to come over, but my Mum and family will be on hand and there will not be enough room for you, so it's not going to work for me having you stay here. I'm going to be quiet for a bit as I need to focus on my health - and baby once s/he is here! However I'll be in touch when things have quietened down a bit.

If she pushes back then you are going to have to be VERY direct - as in:
Dear CF, please listen to me - it's not going to work, I do not want you to stay. I am not going to discuss it any further and your continued pushing on this is becoming quite draining

Good luck Op.

I'm being nosy / curious where did you meet this friend in the first place?
She definitely sounds like she'd want to be at yours for month - be a sponger.