To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

She would be doing stuff in halls like cooking even day of exam
It is pocket money if she's not at halls at the moment ....and op says she's saving loads of money.
She's applying for volunteering roles over summer....she should be applying for a job anything else is treating her like a child.

@jannier

If the amount given by OP is in excess of the student finance amount THEN it is pocket money.

But OP says it is a top up amount to make up for the shortfall in loan - which is due to the gov assessing that OP should be able to afford to provide that amount.

Very often my friends batch cooked or we took turns at cooking to limit the amount we’d have to do around exams. A number went home and were taken care of for 3-4wks while it was going on.

Her saving money is irrelevant.

I’m sorry but I’m not a fan of middle to upper class parents treating their kids like shit and not financially providing through education - up to the amount others receive in full finance. I do not know why any parent assessed as being able to afford it would not want to have their child in an equal position to peers.

If the money were in excess of student finance then you would have a point. But if it’s a top up amount then that’s the parent behaving correctly and doing what they’re supposed to do.

@jannier Also depending on what the career is, the volunteering may be required before getting a paid position.

If it is something like finance, law, science etc it will work better for her cv doing volunteering/work experience that is relevant.

And to clarify, OP has a very valid point about her daughter respecting her and that she needs to do more chores.

But deciding to have a hissy fit about it when she has come home for a few wks to study seems ill timed. It could have waited a week.

And withdrawal of a top of payment as punishment is utterly unfair. Students who receive full finance are not having it withdrawn due to the whims of their parents. The girl should not be put in this position. Extras withdrawn - yes.. but not the basics.

Write a list of jobs with a monetary value next to them and a date to be completed by. Let her know if they aren’t completed the you will dock each amount off her allowance. Cancel her phone and stop her access to the wifi. I imagine she will start helping out more.

If she has time to volunteer, she has time to do paid work. Stop the top ups and draw up house rules. Give her a deadline. If she does not keep to them, help her to find student accommodation.

@MrsSkylerWhite

I literally give up.

People with low earning parents are given full student finance are given all the payments unconditionally.

People with higher earning parents are given a percentage of finance with the expectation parents will make up the rest. UNCONDITIONALLY.

SHE IS IN HALLS.

She’s come home for a few weeks to rest/study and her mother’s got a bit upset about laundry on the floor so has decided to financially penalise her. It’s wrong.

She’s this way because you’ve made her that way by pandering to her and continuing to.

I would make her money conditional on maintaining certain standards and doing certain jobs around the home.

Robinni · Today 09:32
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 09:27

If she has time to volunteer, she has time to do paid work. Stop the top ups and draw up house rules. Give her a deadline. If she does not keep to them, help her to find student accommodation.

@MrsSkylerWhite

“I literally give up”

Fair cop, I didn’t read properly.

Easy solution then, shape up or back you go. Repeat, if she has time to volunteer, she has time to work. Our youngest wants to work full time during summer break. He’s just a few months older.

@MrsSkylerWhite I would agree, she is only back a few weeks, post exams if her behaviour does not improve then she can look at going into a house share over summer… Though how this would work for final year I don’t know, if she’s poorly organised.

Regarding the work - it very much depends what the degree pathway is. Some have to spend the majority of their time off classes doing voluntary or low paid work because if they don’t then there will be fewer job ops when they graduate. Don’t knock it. Personally for me - if it was required - I’d rather DC took on vol position over low paid p/t work… if it means in 12-18 months time they’ll be on a good grad wage rather than similar low paid work.

This whole thing seems a storm in a teacup. Home for only three wks for good reason. Conscientious saver. Doing voluntary work relevant to degree pathway that will help her future career. 🤷‍♀️

Stop paying for her phone etc. tell her that if she wants money for non University expenses she has to pay them herself So get a job.

Don’t do her laundry, don’t cook her meals, don’t pick up after her.

Tell her that Anything she leaves on the floor anywhere in the house will be thrown out. Go through the house with an orange garden waste bag & put all her crap in it including all the junk on her bedroom floor.

Tell her that it will be put out for garbage collection unless she retrieves it & puts it away, anything that ends up back on the floor will got to the dump.

D’ya know what, we shouldn’t give students anything.

Not even the ones whose family income is 20k.

Stuff them.

No fees loan.
No maintenance loan.
No grant.

Nothing.

Throw them out on the street on their 18th birthday.

They are adults now. If they want a degree and a nice job they can bloody well work a 40hr week on top of 40hrs of studying.

Not our responsibility, we’re only their parents!

Absolutely disgusting…. Low earners kids are not subjected to this kind of abuse and power over their lives.

Stop giving her money immediately. She needs to get a job alongside volunteering to get experience for her CV. I worked throughout whole of uni, full time in holidays.

@Lcb123

Do you think it is fair that low earners kids are getting full whack finance.

But that when OP tops her daughter up to the same level, people are overwhelmingly telling her to stop supporting her?

Was your student finance reduced due to parental income? Did they match whatever it was reduced by or just abdicate their responsibility to you?

I’m really struggling with understanding peoples attitudes on this thread… pretty much all students will need to work on top of getting the finance. Everyone is suggesting the OP’s daughter have her funding cut due to her mother’s issues with having her home a few weeks. It means she is being treated differently to a person receiving money solely from student finance…. That’s what I don’t get, that everyone is ok with this lack of equality.

It's the idea that a young person can't be arsed to spend 30 minutes a day cleaning her room. That's all it would take! And the excuses given along the lines of ' well she's studying hard'. Yes we know that. Lots of us studied hard and had to feed ourselves and do our own washing etc. I'm really fed up with the excuses given for young adults in respect of them actually looking after themselves.

@loislovesstewie
I’m with you 100%. Young people should be able to cook, clean and manage their lives (with support and guidance).

But I think cutting monthly income of £250 (which her peers get without this sort of manipulation) and banishing her to her room is a disproportionate response to her not tidying her room/doing laundry during exam weeks.

I batch cooked in advance, got all my laundry etc up to date and then sod all got done for about 4wks while my focus was exams. Maybe she isn’t that organised.
I don’t know. But I wouldn’t put the stress of an annual income cut of £3000.00 on my child the week before an exam. Because of a bit of laundry/rubbish in their room.

All the people saying they have never heard of any student no working,surely you can accept different people have different views on these things
I don’t want mine working term time
I want them to focus on their degrees
i was skint at Uni
Don’t want that for mine
My money,my choice

My 19 year old and many others manage it. He works mainly in holidays but odd shifts in between. Manages to pay for his needs and extras such as car and holidays. He manages day to day living on student finance and saves some snd the job is extras on top. I don't pay towards him in term time although he's fed and has use of washing machine etc ( does own washing) while at home in holidays. Does tend to leave room messy but sorts when he loses something lol

At 19 she's an adult. She's unreasonable for her messy room and not working. You're unreasonable for treating her like a child and supporting this. Tell her to sort it out and contribute to the house or move out 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Robinni you don’t have to be rich for your kids to get less loan, we have combined income of £60000 and ds got the min loan.
recent better money for us and we have debts and large expenses of our own, like dh had to get a newer car on finance to get the better job, se can not afford £5000 a year to top up ds loan, have other children in education too which is not taken into account.
my ds took a year out and saved hard to help him get through uni and will get a summer job
we help where we can a bit here and there, pay his mobile etc but no where near £5000

As for the tidying whilst studyinh why not ? I have a ds his room is pretty tidy , once a week he hoovers , wipes it out and daily puts his clothes in wash etc
helps a little round house when needed , it takes a few hrs a week at most to do that, zero impact on his study

@Robinni how is it medieval to tidy up after yourself
exams do not require you 24/7 to study, it takes an hr or so once a week to keep your room tidy
another hr a week to run the hoover around, my ds manages whilst doing exams if home
my younger ds at college had exams , coursework and pt job and still manages the above

My dd is similar OP, she’s just finishing her first year at uni and will be home for the summer. She also has social anxiety, Asperger’s and some mobility issues, she has no plans on working over the summer. We do live rurally so finding work isn’t easy and she can’t drive but I have tried to encourage her to find part time work. My dd also doesn’t need the money, she still has most of her loan (after paying her rent) as she doesn’t drink and doesn’t spend much on food. I know I will find it hard having her home as she is lazy and her room will be messy, she won’t offer to help out around the house and will spend most of her time being unsociable unless I taxi her to friends houses.

This is such privilege. You’ll be surprised to know that not all people have parents who can afford to pay for or contribute towards university.