How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so effing happy.

OP, I know what you mean. I have a ds and a home & career. DS fills me with joy, and my career challenges me.

But I've never met a man who could be trusted. and I'd rather be alone than be someone's victim.

There will be no partnership for me, no close intimate bond, but there's still lot to be thankful for, freedom, financial security, even selfishness. I can be self indulgent occasionally and enjoy it. I'm much happier and less stressed than many married women I know.

Based on your attitude it's no surprise you're alone.

I think people cope my stemming the loneliness via other areas in their lives by investing time/effort in meaningful connections with friends and family, and filling their time with pets, hobbies, travel etc.

I am sorry you feel so hopeless about finding love, OP. Loneliness is truly a horrible feeling. Sending unmumsnetty hugs 💐

Anyone who’s posted any kind of variation of ‘I can see why you’re alone, your attitude it terrible’ should be thoroughly, utterly ashamed of yourselves. What absolutely disgraceful things to say.

Please, please don’t take those comments to heart @Sonervousimgonnathrowup . They speak so much more about the people writing them than they do you ❤️

I think your isolation combined with being depressed to some extent has held you back. Op what do you like doing is there something that you regard as fun? Would perhaps making female friends who might enjoy the same things you do? Do you go on solo holidays or could you join some groups or activities or do some charity work (where you work alongside others) regularly.
Although the first answer you got made you upset, although tactless it did in in some ways make a point, marriage for some people can people can be lonely, remember divorce numbers make up a very high percentage and a bad marriage can be worse than be alone.
Covid hasn't helped, working from home and the isolation from any social group.

Sorry you're getting such a hard time on this thread OP. I would delete it tbh as can't think a lot of these posts are helping you.

Of course ppl can be lonely in marriages but most ppl have a choice to leave marriages. Absolutely not the same as someone who is single not through choice.

I am with someone but was the last of my friends to meet my partner. I remember those lonely Saturdays, bank holiday weekends all too well. Don't give up hope.

It can be tough and I feel for you. I suggest widening your friendship circle. Meaningful friendships can combat loneliness. I have single friends who have formed a little group and holiday together.

I think you've been pretty mean to the poster replying in good faith, they sound like they just settled and are lonely. There's no reason you can't settle for companionship or have donor sperm babies, if you really wanted to make it happen you would. Instead you start threads on here and then snap at anyone who dares post that they are also lonely and sad having settled. To me that poster was basically saying even if someone seems to have it all, some people are still deeply unhappy. I don't think their intention was to be goady.

I should save this for when I become an empty nester in a few years.

Sounds like an amazing adventure!

God people on here can be cruel, OP is obviously feeling down about being single and multiple people feel the need to twist the knife by telling her it's her fault and she deserves to be alone because she snapped at someone? Do you not think people feeling low don't already blame themselves and wonder what is wrong with them?

I can understand OP, i'm long term single, used to assume I would meet someone eventually, now I haven't written it off but the assumption has probably flipped to assuming I probably won't now. I don't think there's a simple way to accept it other than to just get on with trying to create a nice life for yourself on your own and if someone comes along it's a bonus. I'm quite fussy and independent and it would have to be something special now to make me change my ways and let someone into my life.

I think this is a really hard one, being truly alone is in no doubt painful…Do you have friends? Have you tried to move in with a friend for companionship?

Unless I'm missing something, aren't you breaking the OPs rules too? Worse than the other poster in fact as you're HAPPILY In a relationship! At least @Nereides had the courtesy to say she was miserable. What a very odd thread this is.

@5128gap never said I was happy and I don't regard myself to be in a relationship yet, it's that early. I feel I'm just slightly ahead of her in that life can change when you least expect it, after being in that position for a very long time. If she doesn't find it helpful she can disregard it.

Loneliness is really difficult. Do you have friends an family?

I don't really understand why you have decided you'll never find a relationship. It can be difficult and there can be obstacles but for vast vast majority of people, it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

Op I understand how you feel. I've lived alone for nearly 20 years (am early 40s) since a horrible marriage ended, a few relationships since then but all of them lasting no more than a year.

I have a severely disabled ds who is now an adult and lives away. He is non verbal. In many respects I understand the pain of not having children and how upsetting it can be when people comment on the love they get from their kids. It hurts.

I get lonely too. I've pretty much come to to terms with not having another relationship. I have significant health problems and feel I just can't deal with a relationship physically or emotionally. It's too much work and compromise and I feel my issues would be too much for someone now anyway.

My days are pretty samey, I get low a lot but I try to keep going and appreciate what I do have - I'm lucky to have a decent flat, I have a dog who helps me a lot, I have a lovely neighbour, etc.

Could you get a dog or cat or even something like a hamster to care for? Something to focus on? Outside of working, new interests are good. I've been learning a new language on an app. Could you try penpaling to connect with people all over the world? I find perspective on others situations helpful.

Hang in there. I'm sorry some people here have been so cruel. They have no empathy for your situation.

Solitude, emphasizes the quality of being or feeling lonely and deserted: to live in solitude.

Helping others might help. Maybe volunteering at an animal shelter or helping the elderly? Combined with activities where you will meet other like-minded people? I wouldn't write yourself off. There's always time to meet someone. Crossfit or a similar exercise could also be hugely beneficial.

I love how some people say that some comments that were made were rude. And then continue to say that" I must have a empty life without a partner "and that" I must feel truly miserable"

🤔something about a pot and a kettle ladies ...

🤣

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup You've said you don't want to hear from people who are happy they are single. You've also made clear you don't want to hear from people who settled. So... who do you want to hear from?

You asked how people made their peace with being alone. You've had the answers. Either people find the positives in their situation and learn to enjoy it, or they make a compromise.

I am very happy being single. Was I always? Of course, not.

When I broke up with my ex, the man I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with, you bet I was miserable. But I made my peace about being alone by learning to love the freedom that being single gave me.

I'm on my own, but I do not feel alone.

You can't be sad forever. You can lick your wounds, you can rant, you can rave, but at some point, you either move into acceptance or compromise. Either you can make a conscious choice to influence that, or you can go with the flow and see which one life throws your way.

Or, you know, you could meet someone.

I've ruled it out for reasons and I'm content with that. If you're not happy being on your own, why don't you take the secret option of not being alone? If it really is the thing that makes you so unhappy, you could take radical steps to widen your dating pool like moving to another town or even another country.

After I divorced I gave my self time to heal. That was 12 years ago now and I'm very haooy being single and don't want anyone now. I'm not lonely I have friends and feel this is how I want to be now. Specially when I hear couples argue I am, glad that's not me anymore.

Whoa!! No need! There was nothing wrong whatsoever with that poster's reply. I think you owe them an apology.

I've lived alone for 20+ years, most of which I have been single for. I could give you advice but for fear of getting my head bitten off I will refrain.

If this is how you talk to people in real life @Sonervousimgonnathrowup then it's a good possibility its why you're single.

And this
right here

explains a lot!

What do single people have to “deal with”? Genuine question

if you’re going to say all the images of happy families etc, doesn’t this also apply to people in marriages but they’re most certainly not “happy”?

Me too.

divorced 6 years ago

when I read about what so many posters endure in their marriages day in and day out, and imagine how shit it must also be for their children… I feel SO happy and relieved it’s not me and my children

When I was single I lived in shared houses so though it’s a different kind of companionship it abated how I felt. I just don’t like evenings alone I’m not sure why I’m fine in the daytime. If I ever end up widowed or divorced I will take a lodger.

Regardless of feelings your first answer does indicate either that you are so unhappy and bitter you can’t hold back. My SIL is like this and so she repels people. It is just probably hurt speaking but it will do you no favours.

What is your friendship circle like, what age are you and what are your living and work circumstances like as all will affect advice to an extent.