How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so effing happy.

Do you want companionship? Have you tried dating sites? If so, then I apologise, but don't settle for being isolated and alone when there may be someone out there for you.

Moving on from the arguments..

OP - I think the idea of equating being alone with loneliness is part of the problem, and how happily single people think of it. With kindness, your own feelings seem very negative about it, so maybe some therapy would help to help build up your self esteem.

Instead using your alone time to focus on yourself and treating yourself kindly, seeing it as a freedom and independence rather than a loneliness.

Also and fostering new friendships/non romantic relationships. So there’s valuable relationships in your life (not saying there isn’t already!)

Lastly, if you really want to be in a relationship and it’s important to you, there’s no reason it won’t happen in future.

I’ve been happily married and then widowed young, and then single for nearly 7 years.

I found being married hard work, especially as we both had unresolved trauma that we weren’t fully aware of. Relationships can be hard work as (just like children) partners will trigger all your unresolved stuff. You have to consider another person, make compromises and sometimes spend time doing things you don’t really want to do. Partners do irritating things like leaving the kitchen cupboard doors open and crumbs on the counter.

Being single is hard work because everything is down to you. Your loneliness and anxieties are yours to manage. I think in a mature marriage (where both parties are independent mature people before they come together to form an interdependent partnership) you will carry your own emotional work, so it’s not much different in that sense to being single except you maybe have some closer company along the way.

Both states have their upsides too - being single, I love being able to do what I want when I want and not be answerable to anyone. I’m not sure I really want the work of a relationship right now.

So you make peace with the nature of life I think - it’s not being in a relationship or being single that’s work, it’s that your relationship with yourself is your work, and that work is consistent regardless of your pursuits or the people in your life. If you’re unhappy alone it’s likely you’ll be unhappy in a relationship (or you’ll make your partner unhappy by leaning on them too much in an attempt to solve your loneliness).

Also being widowed young has made me much more aware of how fragile life and relationships are. Being happily married doesn’t guarantee happiness. It doesn’t guarantee that you won’t die alone - half of every partnership dies alone as someone has to die first. You’ll always have times of loneliness in life whether you’re partnered or not, and it isn’t your partner’s job to solve that. Sometimes they won’t be available. Sometimes time apart and loneliness will make the times together all the sweeter.

Some of the most interesting people I’ve heard on relationships are Esther Perel and Jordan Peterson and Alain de Botton/the School of Life.

Btw it’s a good idea to look out for ‘always’ or ‘never’ type thinking - it’s usually wrong and leads to unhappiness! Life is ever-changing and things can change in an instant.

I agree. She specifically mentioned this in her OP, its is a completely different situation to being alone.

If everyone came along with the same situation or just to sympathise then the op wouldn't get anything from it. Except a pity party and that's no use to anyone.

My friend was/is maybe in a similar situation. Never met a man she could tolerate enough to be in a relationship with. Wasn't interested in sex. Would have liked children, but not enough to do it alone nor settle for a man. Like you, she didn't find the single people communities much help. So she joined a few asexual support groups/communities and found a lot of people in similar situations there. A lot of people who would like relationships, but feel like it's too difficult for them and they're struggling with the loneliness of it. They aren't dating groups, just support groups. That might be somewhere you could find support if you think it might help?

(And because there was no pressure around having sex or children, she really clicked with one person in particular. They've now been in a relationship for 4 years. Narrow-minded people don't see their relationship as a real relationship, but it is. They are the perfect companions for each other.)

TLDR: Obviously having children has a time limit, but there is no reason to think you will be alone/lonely forever.

Oh my goodness, I can not believe the toxic ignorant rubbish I've read on the first page in response to the OP.

If you're lonely, just marry a man You don't like and have their kid??
"At least I have kids who love me which is better than nothing".
"There is nothing wrong with Neriedes reply".
"I can see why your single"
"Deranged responses"
"Being single does not equal being lonely"

These posts dismiss, demean and belittle the OP and show no consideration to what she's actually written and her position. Those attacking her for her justified response should be ashamed of themselves. Unreal.

I must admit that I also find it really hard when people who have kids say that they are lonely. I get that having children can be lonely. But being single with no real hope of ever having, much longed for children is a completely different thing.

Yes but the OP could just have glossed over those comments. She chose to be reactive rude and aggressive

yikes. OP you will indeed be single forever if you’ve decided that’s how it’s going to be and written off ever meeting someone. plus your terrible attitude in general

I've just kind of accepted that I am too ugly and not interesting enough/social enough to meet anyone now and as I push towards my 40's, I've kind of accepted that and fill my days with work and interests. Does get lonely but then I have heard that even people in relationships get lonely. Do feel jealous of those who have met their soul mates and are incredibly happy but nobody said life was fair.

Yes, I'll suggest that people with children start commenting on how lucky they are on the infertility threads. You know, for perspective from a different situation 🙄

She's asking how people in the same situation cope. Perfectly reasonable

If a "terrible attitude" is a barrier to finding a partner, then there must be a lot of single people on this thread.

I 'people watch' couples and can feel a pang of loneliness that I don't have that but the thought of a relationship horrifies me, even a 1 night stand would be letting someone too close into my personal space.

Tbf, they do.

I get why you're single after reading your responses. Genuinely. Everyone goes through hard times in life. Just cos someone may be married with kids doesn't mean that they don't struggle or lack in other areas. So that poster's opinion who you laid into, is valid. Stop being so self indulgent.

It's not valid on this thread where op literally mentioned having kids in first post.
It's ridiculous reaponse.
The ones doing oh so witty "no wonder you are single" are shite too.

Some people do just find true love really easily as well. I know someone who adored their husband, true soul mates etc. He died but 18 months on, she met another guy where the love is just as strong if not stronger than the first marriage. Been together 7 years and are completely blissful.

Wow, this comment really isn’t nice. While you’re right that for some people being single doesn’t equal being lonely, for @Sonervousimgonnathrowup it clearly does as that’s why she made the post. The rest of what you’ve written is just unkind really. I can see why OP was upset with @Nereides comment to be honest, particularly as she had said in the first post that those with children are (generally speaking) not really alone. Also the ‘having children is better than nothing’ comment was thoughtless.

OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. It sounds really tough. Are there any hobbies you have that you could join a group for? Or as pp have said are you interested in pets? A dog can be a great companion though I appreciate not the same as human companionship. Sending you love regardless x

What's self-indulgent is making it all about you even when the OP specifies that she's not after what you've got.

I was discussing with someone years ago about being single, who replied the trick is to make yourself happy, because then you are happy, no matter what comes along.

To be honest, I've spent the majority of my adult life being single, and years ago I thought, what if I never meet anyone? What am I going to do to make sure that I have a full life? I used to sit in my London flat wondering what the meaning of life was. I don't do that anymore, because I have gone out into the world and I am living life and having new and different experiences.

In the space of a month I play tennis, I have golf lessons, I go to women's sharing circles, I go to a healing/shadow work group, I see a PT, I book theatre tickets x 2 and invite a guest nearer the time, I have friend's kids over for playdates, I get to know people in my neighbourhood, I travel for work, I go to yoga nedra, I cook dinner for my neighbours, I go to the cinema alone, I explore different health treatment modalities - all in a foreign country.

I have just met an incredible guy, however that is after 5 years of doing lots of work on myself and arriving in a conscious place - I am size 18 and fortunately I didn't even have to loose weight to attract this incredible man, he adores my body, its all coming together because I did "the work" - I have a full life with or without him.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup I hear you. But stay positive (hard, I know).

Get a dog. Seriously. I was single and lonely for about 10 years after my divorce and then I got a dog and I genuinely stopped feeling lonely!

What a thoroughly nasty post. You should be embarrassed of yourself making comments like that to someone who’s struggling.

I actually can’t believe some of the nastiness coming out on this thread, would you all be happy for your friends and family to see you posting some of this shit?!