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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If I ask DH to tell his whereabouts

127 replies

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 15:53

My DH is self employed but tends to only work a couple of days a week on the whole. I work part time but more hours and have a long commute. He usually works longer hours one day a week that I’m at home so I am there to do school runs. But this isn’t a predictable pattern.

I rarely get time home alone and I cherish it. I don’t do anything much - but I just like the freedom I feel not having anyone to answer to. I also find time alone restorative. He has this when I am at work and DC are at school. I work a predictable pattern.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to let me know when he will be out at work and when he will be home?

He says it’s none of my business and thinks it’s controlling and intrusive for me to be asking. To be clear, I’m not in anyway wanting to check up on him or direct him. I just want to know when he is going to be out at work so I can plan my time at home a bit (yoga and a face pack, or a duvet day with Netflix for example - stuff I wouldn’t do if he was there).

He refuses to tell me. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 15:56

To be clear, I’m not checking up on him, no trust or jealousy issues. I just want to know when I’ll have the house to myself and how long for.

OP posts:

W0tnow · 02/05/2023 15:56

He is. It’s a normal question in a normal relationship.

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 15:58

Yeah. Thanks. That’s what I figured. He has a bit of an aversion to feeling ‘managed’ hence he’s self employed. He didn’t understand why I might want to know.

OP posts:

FabFitFifties · 02/05/2023 15:59

You need to remind him he doesn't live in a bubble, and what he does affects you and the children. The house wouldn't function if you both believed you could do what you wamt, when you like, without telling anyone. He needs to live on his own if he wants to live like that.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/05/2023 16:00

Can you afford for both of you to work part time?

SallyWD · 02/05/2023 16:00

I think it's weird that he refuses to tell you unless it's simply a case of not wanting to be tied down to a plan and wanting to decide on the spur of the moment.
My DH is an academic who works from home and the office. I would love to know when he'll be here and when he won't. However, I don't even bother asking because he decides on the day. He often starts working from home, then around lunch time he might think about going to the office. He'd get very annoyed if I kept questioning him about it so I just leave him to it.

YankeeDad · 02/05/2023 16:01

Could you tell him that you enjoy having the house to yourself sometimes, and ask whether he could tell you 1/2 day or 1 day each week when he will definitely be out, without having to give you his full schedule?

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 02/05/2023 16:01

Not unreasonable at all. I definitely wouldn't want my partner walking in during my "me time".

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:01

FabFitFifties

That’s my view too.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:03

YankeeDad

Did that. He can’t understand why I can’t just carry in as if he isn’t there. Which is true. I could put a face pack in and do yoga while he’s there but it wouldn’t be relaxing in the same way. He just doesn’t want to have to tell me.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/05/2023 16:04

I like my time alone too. But I'm not going to make my partner tell me "Right, I'll be out of the house all day Monday, tuesday morning, and Thursday afternoon"

Because plans change, and then she'll feel like she's not welcome in her own home.

Your husband lives there too, he shouldn't have to account for when he's going to be there or not. That's really weird and controlling.

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:05

SallyWD

Does it annoy you? I wish I could just be fine with it but it really matters to me. Is it a ‘me thing’ or a ‘him thing’?

OP posts:

I8toys · 02/05/2023 16:07

Normal question. Not weird or controlling. We usually discuss what is happening next week the weekend before.

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:09

fdgdfgdfgdfg

If there was a regular time they are usually out but then it changed and they were home unexpectedly- they knew in advance but you didn’t - would you have expected them to tell you. E.g oh I’ve taken the day off on x day’?

I don’t want to know all his comings and goings. Just if he’s working or not on X day. Is that weird and controlling? Will he be there or not.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/05/2023 16:18

I'd expect DP to tell me because DP is the sort of person to tell me absolutely everything that has happened in her day in absolute minute detail, but I wouldn't "expect" in in the sense that I felt she had to tell me, and I wouldn't get annoyed if she didn't tell me.

It sounds to me that your husband is well aware that you find it annoying for him to be in his own home, and he's now annoyed that he's "not allowed" to be at home at certain times, so is not telling you on purpose to be an arse.

But you're not behaving any better. Like I said, I like time alone, I plan out what I'm going to do when there's noone else home. And I feel annoyed when plans change. But I don't voice that annoyance, it's not fair on my DP and child to feel like they shouldn't be at home if they want to be.

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:18

To be clear - I don’t want his full schedule - just will he or won’t he be home on the one day of the week I often have the house to myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:22

Yes. I can see that it might be unfair to him if he feels like I’m annoyed. My only annoyance though is not knowing and that’s only annoying because then I can’t plan my time in the same way. He gets lots of time home alone. I get one day - but he then sometimes doesn’t work on that day so is home, but doesn’t tell me. If I knew he was going to be home we could plan something together. If I know he’s going to be out I plan something for me. i just want to know which with a couple of days notice.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/05/2023 16:29

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 16:22

But maybe he doesn't want to make that decision that far ahead.

If it's that important to you, then just assume he's not going to be there and do your own thing whether he's there or not. I assume you have multiple rooms in the house, just shut the door and do your face mask, or your yoga or whatever.

I know it's not the same. I want to sit around and watch a film or play computer games without worrying that I'm being silently judged for not doing the hoovering or gardening or whatever, but that's on me. DP isn't actually judging me for those things, I just feel like I'm not alone so can't relax as much. But that's a me problem, not hers.

It's the same thing for you. Its not that you can't do your yoga with him in the house, you just don't want to. And that's your problem, not his.

AgenceGrateau · 02/05/2023 16:31

Can you reframe the question into a statement? "I'm home x day and would like the place to myself so I can gorge on giant chocolate buttons and Netflix, you need to make the necessary arrangements to not interfere with that, good day."
Then he's not being managed and you are clear in your intent...

ApolloandDaphne · 02/05/2023 16:32

It's a very normal question. My DH puts stuff like that on the family calendar so I can see if he is WFH, in the office or away overnight. Mostly so I can meal plan.

Mountainpika · 02/05/2023 16:40

We're retired but we have always known what the other is doing and when. It's just common courtesy, and also common sense in case of emergency. Neither of us would ever go out without telling the other where and what (anticipated) time back. We also discuss plans in advance as now we have one car ( two when we were working) so we don't both want to use it at the same time. Always check with each other.

Nimbostratus100 · 02/05/2023 16:56

we have a family calendar that everyone updates every week, including who is volunteering to cook that day!

Of course no one is held to it if things change

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2023 17:03

Surely you have a “what’s your plans this week?” type conversation on a Sunday or whenever so you can organise childcare?

Original poster

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:25

BitOutOfPractice · Today 17:03
Surely you have a “what’s your plans this week?” type conversation on a Sunday or whenever so you can organise childcare?

Surely we should!! We don’t. He hates planning. We know now whose responsibility drop off and pick up is each day since we both turned up once - which was embarrassing! Our poor communication is being noticed by others with much amusement.

This is my AIBU really. I want to plan. He hates planning. I like to sit down and discuss what our plans are, who is doing what and when and think together about how we spend our time. He abhors that idea and will get cross if I push for it at all. He had controlling parents so likes to please himself as much as possible when you have a family (he does do what is required mostly - now - but that’s another thread!).

OP posts:

Whatabouteverything · 02/05/2023 17:26

Did he really say you're being 'controlling' ? Do people really say this in real life? Just can't picture it. Anyway YANBU.

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