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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I ask DH to tell his whereabouts

127 replies

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 15:53

My DH is self employed but tends to only work a couple of days a week on the whole. I work part time but more hours and have a long commute. He usually works longer hours one day a week that I’m at home so I am there to do school runs. But this isn’t a predictable pattern.

I rarely get time home alone and I cherish it. I don’t do anything much - but I just like the freedom I feel not having anyone to answer to. I also find time alone restorative. He has this when I am at work and DC are at school. I work a predictable pattern.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to let me know when he will be out at work and when he will be home?

He says it’s none of my business and thinks it’s controlling and intrusive for me to be asking. To be clear, I’m not in anyway wanting to check up on him or direct him. I just want to know when he is going to be out at work so I can plan my time at home a bit (yoga and a face pack, or a duvet day with Netflix for example - stuff I wouldn’t do if he was there).

He refuses to tell me. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
thewreckofthehesperus · 02/05/2023 21:31

I cannot imagine any situation in my relationship where 'are you working tomorrow/today' would be met with anything other than an honest answer and given without a second thought.

The fact hes making such a big deal about this is really strange and I'd go so far as to say hes the controlling one. He needs to be able to come and go without question because hes the big important man and dont you dare question him.

whynotwhatknot · 02/05/2023 21:34

He sounds odd like hes trying to hide something to make such a fuss about it

my dh is mostly at home on his days off if eithe rof us have plans we tell each other not hard

HeyThere111 · 02/05/2023 21:44

Sounds like you need to actually sit and talk about his behaviour. You accept his is triggered from childhood but his refusal to plan anything is actually controlling you in a way. You need a better compromise and communication than just doing your own thing and hoping for the best. Surely it would be nice for DC to get excited for upcoming family plans too!

dawngreen · 02/05/2023 21:45

Maybe he is worried that you have a male friend over when he is not there.

Quitelikeit · 02/05/2023 21:47

Plain and simple he’s being an a hole

He is clearly dysfunctional

Thesharkradar · 02/05/2023 21:48

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:27

Nimbostratus100

We have a shared calendar and I put in any changes to my working pattern so that he knows. All I’m asking for is the same but because his main working day isn’t a day he needs to do childcare etc as I am not working, he sees it as none of my business if he’s working or not.

I would stop doing that, treat him like he treats you, if he refuses to be pinned down then so can you.
See how he likes them apples, see how he likes living with someone who wants to be weird & elusive, see how he likes it when he cant make plans because you wont tell him your schedule.
Stop pandering to him, dont be a door mat.
That's my take on it anyway!

Beachywave · 02/05/2023 21:54

If roles were reversed and the man was asking the woman when she’d be out because he wants the house to himself, he’d be accused of cheating 😂

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2023 22:09

Beachywave · 02/05/2023 21:54

If roles were reversed and the man was asking the woman when she’d be out because he wants the house to himself, he’d be accused of cheating 😂

Yes but since she's here, and isn't, we know she isn't.

sandyhappypeople · 02/05/2023 22:13

I think I'd find it hard agreeing to a time and duration of not being home if it was purely dependent on my workload that I couldn't plan in advance, I'd feel put under pressure to stay away, which isn't really fair.

I know exactly what you mean though, me and DH work opposite shifts in the week, we both lived on our own before moving in together & having DD, so we both still love that me time, just to do whatever. I personally think it resets you mentally and then the time you spend together feels like it's because you want to be together, not because you have to, maybe your DH just doesn't understand the importance of it?

During lockdown we both had or little areas to retreat to when we needed a bit of quiet time, can you make yourself a little space somewhere and set it up how you like it? Like a spare room you could convert? So if he is at home, great, but he has strict instructions to leave you alone for a bit!

diamondpony80 · 02/05/2023 22:18

I'm self-employed but I've got kids and a DH who works so I plan my work time around them. Obviously being self-employed and working from home I can be flexible whereas they can't. DH rarely gets time home alone so I sometimes make a point of taking DD out to the shops or swimming. Or sometimes I go work in the library for a change of scenery.

MsRosley · 02/05/2023 22:22

OP, of course it's your business! You're a partnership, and it sounds like you are an introvert, so he should understand how precious alone time if for you. (My DH does because I've made it very clear to him.) Your DH needs to understand that in a marriage, you compromise. It's not all about his rules.

MsRosley · 02/05/2023 22:29

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:57

billy1966

To be honest, I am struggling on many counts but I’m married and I made vows so I am going to work on those things I find hard, communicate with him if there are things I can’t tolerate and give it a chance. There are lots of positives. I know he’d never cheat on me. He (now - after a long process of working at it) does his fair share of the domestic shit. He is pretty thoughtful a lot of the time. There are just some things that set him off and then he’s like a bear with a sore head and pretty awful TBH.

OP, you CANNOT let someone bully and control you with their temper or moods. It's abusive. As long as your request is reasonable - and yours is - then you have a right to be heard and have it acted upon. Look, I've had experience of living with someone who thought I should just kowtow to what he thought and the only thing that worked was escalation. I absolutely refused to back down, and if he tried to control the situation by walking away or refusing to discuss it, I'd push back until he was forced to listen and take me seriously. I'd keep doing that until it got through to him that his tactics were not going to work.

We are much more happily married these days. He has changed a lot.

Gymnopedie · 02/05/2023 22:35

but I’m married and I made vows so I am going to work on those things I find hard

He made vows too. How hard is he working on his?

Thesharkradar · 02/05/2023 22:41

Gymnopedie · 02/05/2023 22:35

but I’m married and I made vows so I am going to work on those things I find hard

He made vows too. How hard is he working on his?

yes, OP is doing all the bending & accommodating in the hope that he'll reciprocate, but he doesnt he just pushes to have more & more on his terms. Fight fire with fire & push back hard, keep serving him up what he gives you and then some.

randomuser2019 · 02/05/2023 22:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Ferferksake · 02/05/2023 23:01

Regardless of why you want to know if he'll be at home or out, it's only courtesy to let each other know your movements in a shared household.

So I get that his parents were strict and controlling and he feels like he's "breaking free", but is he "breaking free" from you and DD? If he wants to be carefree and single he can fuck off. Sounds like he's very immature and needs to recognise that he has responsibilities to you both too.

YANBU but you need to open his eyes to what he's doing to you. The family calendar needs to be blank going forwards. Not a word on it from you or DD (keep your diary on your phone instead). If he asks you about where you'll be on a certain day, act shocked and say that you didn't think he liked sharing things like that. Maybe you'll tell him if he tells you first. Maybe one for one - he fills a day in and you fill one in - no more, no less.

If that doesn't bring him round to understanding that it's a reasonable enquiry, then the next step is a bit more drastic. When DD is not at school and he is out for a day, pack a bag, turn your phone off, take DD away for a couple of days. Seaside, long lost friend etc. Let him contemplate how much he would love to know where you are or when you're coming back. He'll not be pleased, but don't forget, he doesn't like sharing that sort of information as it's micromanagement. Perhaps he'll be happier to act a bit more like a responsible adult and communicate after that.

PrinnyPree · 02/05/2023 23:27

YANBU its a perfectly normal thing to ask your husband. I can't even imagine why it would be an issue but I'm always on whatsapp with my husband telling him what I'm up to and asking what time he'll be home and vice versa (I work part time and have a 2 year old to entertain most of the week, he has variable f/t hours). Not because we are controlling of each others lives, but just because it helps us plan our day or might be of interest to the other person.

Even if I didn't know what time I'd be home I'd try to provide an ETA if asked by my husband as would he if say he was at the pub with mates after work (and it wouldn't be a problem if that changed if he was having fun and wanted to stay out longer). If he got defensive I'd definitely raise an eyebrow though... Your his partner not his Mum, he needs to stop acting like a stroppy teenager getting mardy with his mother because thats how I would be made to feel with that attitude.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/05/2023 23:34

I would never tolerate my partner telling me it’s none of my business. When you get married it IS your business. If you want to live like a singleton and not be accountable then don’t get married. I have no problem telling my DH where i am or what I’m doing. I have nothing to hide. The fact that he refuses to tell you what he’s up to is not a good sign! He is shutting you out and treating you like an outsider in your own marriage.

Thesharkradar · 02/05/2023 23:45

If he asks you about where you'll be on a certain day, act shocked and say that you didn't think he liked sharing things like that
or just tap the side of your nose, wink at him and walk off😶

CatA27 · 03/05/2023 00:05

I think you are both being a bit weird! I often tell my partner that I'm going to go into the office tomorrow and then change my mind on the day. On days when I have to go into the office for some reason then my partner knows because I spend a lot of time moaning about it!. But I don't understand why you can't just have your alone time once he has left the house to go to work? Yoga, face pack or netflix doesn't need pre booking so why can't you just do it when he's gone?

CatA27 · 03/05/2023 00:10

I am also surprised at how many people are talking about their planned alone time, most people dont get any chance to have any alone time, working 5 days a week and then having kids to entertain at the weekend. Having alone time isn't a luxury many people can consider, pre planned or not.

Mari9999 · 03/05/2023 00:36

OP, his relaxed structure may be as important a need for him as your need to know whether house will be empty is to you. You recognize how significant your need is to you , but you are not recognizing that his relaxed structure may be just as important to him.

Rather than asking for his schedule, why not asking him to be out of the house from x-y hrs on a certain day?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2023 02:06

CatA27 · 03/05/2023 00:05

I think you are both being a bit weird! I often tell my partner that I'm going to go into the office tomorrow and then change my mind on the day. On days when I have to go into the office for some reason then my partner knows because I spend a lot of time moaning about it!. But I don't understand why you can't just have your alone time once he has left the house to go to work? Yoga, face pack or netflix doesn't need pre booking so why can't you just do it when he's gone?

Did you even read the OP's posts?

Luckypom · 03/05/2023 03:01

I’m going to go against the grain here (from what I have read so far) and say I can completely understand a self employed person (e.g trades person) cannot commit to a time schedule for your me time (delivery didn’t arrive whilst on site that morning, a client had to cancel last minute, a labourer didn’t turn up so couldn’t finish job, took longer as client wanted an amendment making on the go). And I know it’s annoying but he doesn’t seem to be trying to get you not to do these things while he’s there, it just that it’s annoying.

Am I missing something? Probably.

autienotnaughtym · 03/05/2023 04:32

So can you say Thursday night- are you working from home tomorrow?

It's a perfectly reasonable question.

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