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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I ask DH to tell his whereabouts

127 replies

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 15:53

My DH is self employed but tends to only work a couple of days a week on the whole. I work part time but more hours and have a long commute. He usually works longer hours one day a week that I’m at home so I am there to do school runs. But this isn’t a predictable pattern.

I rarely get time home alone and I cherish it. I don’t do anything much - but I just like the freedom I feel not having anyone to answer to. I also find time alone restorative. He has this when I am at work and DC are at school. I work a predictable pattern.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to let me know when he will be out at work and when he will be home?

He says it’s none of my business and thinks it’s controlling and intrusive for me to be asking. To be clear, I’m not in anyway wanting to check up on him or direct him. I just want to know when he is going to be out at work so I can plan my time at home a bit (yoga and a face pack, or a duvet day with Netflix for example - stuff I wouldn’t do if he was there).

He refuses to tell me. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
CatA27 · 03/05/2023 19:18

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 03/05/2023 17:30

Classic example. I knew when he was finishing work today. I knew he was going to the gym. Didn’t know if he’d be back inbetween. No idea what time he will be home. No idea if he will need food or not. So am assuming not.

This is just like having a teenager in the house, never know when they are going to be in! Don't cook for him if he hasn't did he'll be there. Just out of interest how did you know he's going to the gym?

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2023 20:34

Mostly, I just want to know when he’ll be back (so the face pack is off, yoga done, MAFs watched 😳) I do useful stuff too like gardening, cleaning, sorting etc but I also like to put my music on and sing and dance while I do it! 😳😂). I just can’t feel relaxed enough to do that when he’s in.
But what I do is irrelevant I guess. I just like to know when I have that time.
This seems hard work OP.
I did think you were a bit unreasonable, but if you feel on edge and feel like you can't do anything in the house (chilling or practical) when he's around then I suspect there may be bigger issues at play here.

Classic example. I knew when he was finishing work today. I knew he was going to the gym. Didn’t know if he’d be back inbetween. No idea what time he will be home. No idea if he will need food or not. So am assuming not.
If you've got a standard meal time then I'd cook as normal, and he either is around to eat it or he heats it up.
Or don't bother cooking for him when he isn't showing you basic courtesy.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/05/2023 20:42

I get where you’re coming from op. I’ve tried to figure out why I can’t do what I’d do when alone, when he’s there. But I can’t - I’m relaxed, but not in the same way as when alone. I can’t verbalise it.,it’s just not the same.,

exaltedwombat · 03/05/2023 20:52

Very occasionally, I suppose you're 'entitled' to say 'I want you OUT of the house on Tuesday afternoon' because you want to host a lingerie party (or, hopefully, something rather less naff!) But otherwise, it's his home too and he doesn't have to book time to be allowed in it! What a horrible, controlling idea. Wash your mind out with soap and water.

Macinae · 03/05/2023 21:20

Has he tried counselling, OP? If this behaviour is a result of his childhood dynamics, sounds like he could benefit from talking to someone to help understand his behaviour, how it impacts his relationship and how to better communicate with you. You're a partnership and by the sounds of it it's you making all these allowances for him.

MsRosley · 03/05/2023 21:29

Unrealnotunrealistic · 03/05/2023 17:11

My DH dropbombs that he’s going away for a week, the night before he leaves. There is no way his work trip is planned 8 hours beforehand. It is a controlling move. I cannot stand it.

If my DH had ever done this more than once, we'd be divorced now. I'm not surprised you can't stand it, @Unrealnotunrealistic

MsRosley · 03/05/2023 21:29

exaltedwombat · 03/05/2023 20:52

Very occasionally, I suppose you're 'entitled' to say 'I want you OUT of the house on Tuesday afternoon' because you want to host a lingerie party (or, hopefully, something rather less naff!) But otherwise, it's his home too and he doesn't have to book time to be allowed in it! What a horrible, controlling idea. Wash your mind out with soap and water.

Here's an idea. Try reading what the OP actually said, and not reacting to what you think she said.

CatA27 · 03/05/2023 21:30

exaltedwombat · 03/05/2023 20:52

Very occasionally, I suppose you're 'entitled' to say 'I want you OUT of the house on Tuesday afternoon' because you want to host a lingerie party (or, hopefully, something rather less naff!) But otherwise, it's his home too and he doesn't have to book time to be allowed in it! What a horrible, controlling idea. Wash your mind out with soap and water.

I agree with this. It sounds like you've got to a bit of an impasse where you want him out of the house and because of that he is refusing to tell you. I think if I felt that my partner wanted me out of the house (unless it was something very specific and rare like a poker night with the lads) I would behave similarly, it's his house too and he should be able to.come and go as he wants surely? The things about whether you cook for him is different, when I'm not sure if my son or partner will be home or not I'll either just cook for me or if its something that will save and reheat then I'd leave it for them to sort.

CatA27 · 03/05/2023 21:31

MsRosley · 03/05/2023 21:29

Here's an idea. Try reading what the OP actually said, and not reacting to what you think she said.

Show quote history

And before you have a go at me too, I have read everything she has said and still think this. What exactly are you getting at by read the posts?

KiwiMum2023 · 03/05/2023 21:32

Honestly, you sound great and totally reasonable. I think you should really ask yourself what you’re getting from your marriage. He’s not being fair.

Sainte · 03/05/2023 23:21

You are a couple (on paper) it however appears there’s limited to no connection.

Consider Couples Therapy and if he refuses to attend then perhaps you’d benefit from therapeutic input & or confidence building.
Your self worth is worth examining.
You are more precious than this!
BACP site will give you registered Therapists in your area - if you are UK based.
I hope you will examine what’s happening and have a positive loving future.

Teenagehorrorbag · 03/05/2023 23:59

Are you being unreasonable......I don't know?

DH works 3 days a week but wants to retire soon. I dread it!

I love knowing that for those three days I can do what I like and not have him hanging about or mithering me. I've already told him I'm getting a divorce when he does retire....Grin.

But IRL I suppose I'll have to suck it up. I know where you're coming from - DH is great but does have a tendency to expect me to fit in with his plans at a drop of a hat - I just like to do my own stuff.

But I don't think you can ask his whereabouts - except on a day to day basis. And even then things can change.....

(But you have my sympathy).

Mari9999 · 04/05/2023 00:14

OP, you have not responded to the suggestion that you just ask if you could have the house to yourself on a fixed schedule upon which the 2 of you would agree. Will that approach not work? It would seem to satisfy your need to plan and it would do away with him needing to provide regular updates on his schedule. I see that as a win - win for both of you.

CatA27 · 04/05/2023 06:15

Mari9999 · 04/05/2023 00:14

OP, you have not responded to the suggestion that you just ask if you could have the house to yourself on a fixed schedule upon which the 2 of you would agree. Will that approach not work? It would seem to satisfy your need to plan and it would do away with him needing to provide regular updates on his schedule. I see that as a win - win for both of you.

And of his schedule changes on a day they've arranged to be out? Should he just go and sit in a coffee shop and wait until he's allowed home?

Mortimercat · 04/05/2023 06:56

We generally will know each others plans for the week, just because it is normal in a relationship. But you seem to want to know purely because you want him out of the house and I find that a bit strange. I can’t imagine actually needing my husband out of the house.

Original poster
AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 04/05/2023 07:22

I know that it would be unreasonable to expect him to vacate his own house at certain times if he doesn’t want to so won’t ask him to do that. I don’t want to know his full schedule.

His general working pattern means that often he is working on, say a Tuesday. All I want is to be able to ask him on the Sunday or Monday, ‘What hours are you working on Tuesday?’ and him tell me without him getting cross. I think that’s not unreasonable and this thread has confirmed that. Thank you all. 😊

OP posts:
Ukrainebaby23 · 04/05/2023 08:34

It sounds to me that your husband is well aware that you find it annoying for him to be in his own home, and he's now annoyed that he's "not allowed" to be at home at certain times, so is not telling you on purpose to be an arse

I suspect this is true, though its likely because some men seem programmed to think the DP is cheating on them/ having wild p--n sessions/putting the ch on etc etc rather than having 10 mins in front of the TV with their feet up.

Maybe all men aren't like this, but there a certainly a few. * *

Pinkfluff76 · 04/05/2023 10:14

Your DH doesn’t sound very nice and quite frankly his reaction to your normal and logical question is odd, bordering on suspicious. And why does he only work so little? Who can afford that?! What does he do the rest of the time??

Mari9999 · 04/05/2023 10:51

OP, you do not need to know his schedule to tell him that you prefer to exercise or clean when he is not there. You then ask what might be a good time for you to do that?

Presenting your question in that manner sounds far less intrusive ,and once discussed, there would be no need for that issue to be raised again.

DobbleBobble · 04/05/2023 20:07

Do your kids have phones? If so you should all download a tracker app so you can see where each other are. For the kids sake of course, even if they're too young to be out on their own it's best to get them used to it early, if you try and introduce when their teens they will probably just keep turning it off.

TeaGinandFags · 05/05/2023 10:20

Try telling him you want the house to yourself one evening and why.

See what happens.

Madamum18 · 06/05/2023 16:17

Classic example. I knew when he was finishing work today. I knew he was going to the gym. Didn’t know if he’d be back in between. No idea what time he will be home. No idea if he will need food or not. So am assuming not

Don't cook! Don't say anything. If and when he complains just calmly say "I didn't know if you needed food as you didn't say. So I didn't prepare anything" and leave the room!

In other words, start creating consequences for him of his completely unreasonable desire to "be independent and not controlled" and start waking up his understanding of what a partnership relationship actually is!!

Stewball01 · 22/05/2023 10:42

@fdgdfgdfgdfg

That's a load if old BS. How can you prepare supper if you don't know when he's coming home etc. He's being unnecessarily difficult.

Stewball01 · 22/05/2023 10:47

You're not being controlling. You're being a wife.

SW2002 · 23/05/2023 00:26

YANBU.

I like to know (within reason) when people are planning to be in / out of the house and so does DW. It just helps to plan your day and make best use of both of your time.

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