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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I ask DH to tell his whereabouts

127 replies

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 15:53

My DH is self employed but tends to only work a couple of days a week on the whole. I work part time but more hours and have a long commute. He usually works longer hours one day a week that I’m at home so I am there to do school runs. But this isn’t a predictable pattern.

I rarely get time home alone and I cherish it. I don’t do anything much - but I just like the freedom I feel not having anyone to answer to. I also find time alone restorative. He has this when I am at work and DC are at school. I work a predictable pattern.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to let me know when he will be out at work and when he will be home?

He says it’s none of my business and thinks it’s controlling and intrusive for me to be asking. To be clear, I’m not in anyway wanting to check up on him or direct him. I just want to know when he is going to be out at work so I can plan my time at home a bit (yoga and a face pack, or a duvet day with Netflix for example - stuff I wouldn’t do if he was there).

He refuses to tell me. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:27

Nimbostratus100

We have a shared calendar and I put in any changes to my working pattern so that he knows. All I’m asking for is the same but because his main working day isn’t a day he needs to do childcare etc as I am not working, he sees it as none of my business if he’s working or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:29

Mountainpika

That sounds so respectful and collaborative. That’s what I want. I think it’s just courtesy to let each other know roughly where you’ll be and when. But I want to question that and not just assume I’m right. But I do think I am!! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:33

fdgdfgdfgdfg

It’s not about him making a decision ahead. He either gets booked up or doesn’t and sometimes he will fill up his diary on a day I am working which isn’t the usual pattern. That’s fine with me. He can organise his diary how he wants but if his usual day working out changes and he’s at home, I’d just like to know (a day before or on the morning would be ok if that’s all he can commit to). I really don’t think it’s that unreasonable but that’s why I’m here - to get different perspectives so that’s helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:37

Whatabouteverything

Yes he did. He said I was micromanaging and it was intrusive too. He got very cross about. But it’s not what I did or said. It’s his childhood stuff being triggered I think. I explained that I don’t mind what he does or when or where, I’d just like to know if he’s out working on this particular day of the week so I can plan my time. I don’t want to manage his time I’ve got enough to do!!!

OP posts:
Mountainpika · 02/05/2023 17:50

Well, OP, we have had 51 years together together to get it right. But we have always been like it. Our two sons (now in their mid-late 40s) would always let us know what they were doing and where they were going and approximately when home. And that was before mobile phones.
Someone I knew said her husband would go out without telling her and she never knew if he were at home or not. Didn't bother her. But it would bother us. As we say, if we know where and when, we know when to start worrying when overdue. If one of us is out for a late evening or a long day, we'll call the other when we leave to come home.

And we're now at the stage when our children say to us (we're very scattered as a family) if we've met them somewhere, "Let us know when you get home."

Good luck, AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 17:50

YANBU at all.

He sounds really tedious.

Kindly meant OP but you have a low relationship bar to be tolerating this from him.

YOUR lack of collaboration on something as basic as this is not normal.

Couples exchange this type of information as a courtesy to each other.

It is very normal to enjoy the peace of an empty house on one's own.

I've never met anyone who doesn't enjoy it.

My husband works a four day week and if we don't have plans I will often absent myself having lunch with a friend so he has that lovely feeling of a totally silent empty house.

Original poster
AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:57

billy1966

To be honest, I am struggling on many counts but I’m married and I made vows so I am going to work on those things I find hard, communicate with him if there are things I can’t tolerate and give it a chance. There are lots of positives. I know he’d never cheat on me. He (now - after a long process of working at it) does his fair share of the domestic shit. He is pretty thoughtful a lot of the time. There are just some things that set him off and then he’s like a bear with a sore head and pretty awful TBH.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 02/05/2023 18:04

None of your business? What a nasty thing to say. Are you not his wife and do you not live in the same house?!

rwalker · 02/05/2023 18:05

Depends what he does I’d have no problem letting you know my plan/whereabouts but if I wanted to nip home at anytime i would irrespective of what I told u plans Change and things crop up

DeflatedAgain · 02/05/2023 18:05

That's really weird behaviour by him OP

Mochinated · 02/05/2023 18:16

It's your phrasing that's the issue. Flip it around.

"I want some time to myself. You get time to yourself e.g. day X last week from x oclock to x. When this week will I get my time? How about x day from x oclock to x oclock?"

You don't ask his permission or fit round him. Say what you want and book it in

Mediocrates · 02/05/2023 19:58

The only person BU here is your husband, who seems to think he should be able to live his life unimpeded by responsibilities to anyone but himself, or by emotional labour.

It is not controlling to want your husband to communicate basic information with you, instead of guarding his working pattern like it’s some kind of secret

Mediocrates · 02/05/2023 20:01

AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe · 02/05/2023 17:57

billy1966

To be honest, I am struggling on many counts but I’m married and I made vows so I am going to work on those things I find hard, communicate with him if there are things I can’t tolerate and give it a chance. There are lots of positives. I know he’d never cheat on me. He (now - after a long process of working at it) does his fair share of the domestic shit. He is pretty thoughtful a lot of the time. There are just some things that set him off and then he’s like a bear with a sore head and pretty awful TBH.

Oh OP, I say this with kindness but this is a really low bar. Knowing that he won’t cheat on you isn’t a bonus, it’s the bare minimum you should be able to expect. Ditto doing his fair share of the work in the house. These are the things that should be a given in a relationship, not things that are positives to balance out what sound like some considerable negatives

TomatoSandwiches · 02/05/2023 20:02

I'm like you op, alone time is medicine and if my husband was so difficult to get an answer out of I'd probably fit a dead bolt or double lock the doors if he was out and I had the house to myself.
Either that or he can share his schedule, selfish git.

Sunshine275 · 02/05/2023 20:15

It actually sounds like he’s the controlling one. You said he had controlling parents, so doesn’t like to be controlled. This was the same excuses my ex partner made, but the truth was he had control issues, didn’t like to be managed so never held down jobs, wasn’t honest about what he was doing etc like you describe: the more I look back he was a total control freak.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 20:24

Mediocrates · 02/05/2023 20:01

Oh OP, I say this with kindness but this is a really low bar. Knowing that he won’t cheat on you isn’t a bonus, it’s the bare minimum you should be able to expect. Ditto doing his fair share of the work in the house. These are the things that should be a given in a relationship, not things that are positives to balance out what sound like some considerable negatives

Show quote history

This.

He sounds so awful and he gets away with it because of your low bar.

What about his vows?

I am married 30 years and take my vows seriously, but it sounds as if the effort has all been yours and he speaks to you in an appallingly rude manner which is an awful model for your children.

Bottom line is you deserve much better.

He has broken your vows multiple times in the way he behaves and speaks to you.

Vows are about so much more than fidelity.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 20:29

Excellent posts from @TomatoSandwiches and @Sunshine275

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2023 20:32

So he gets what he wants but you don't get what you want. Nope.

I'd flip it as PP said. Tell him that he needn't tell you where he is but you need alone time. Put in the shared calendar, "OP's alone time" advise him you will be double locking the doors, you don't care where he is, but he can't be at home. Which I think is actually controlling but not by his standard.

I actually had to burst into tears at DH when he cancelled an appointment for DD and him one evening. He gets lots of home alone time and I get one hour once a week. I NEED it. It's his home as well blah blah. But recharging is something he needs me to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 20:35

I'm so sad to see that your standards are so low. What a horrible example for your children. You really don't have to live like this. It's not in any way normal.

ShowUs · 02/05/2023 20:37

I just want to know when he is going to be out at work so I can plan my time at home a bit (yoga and a face pack, or a duvet day with Netflix for example - stuff I wouldn’t do if he was there).

I think YABU.

These are all things you can do when he’s there.

I would hate for my partner to need to know what time I was back because I wouldn’t know as sometimes I stay late or go shopping etc.

If he needed to know for childcare or to know whether I was going to be home for dinner then it’s different but to want to know just so he knows how long he’ll have the house to himself is a bit odd and I wouldn’t be happy with it.

It doesn’t sound like he’s helping financially very much.
He works less than part time.
Can you both afford to only work part time especially if his is less than this?

loadherupandgo · 02/05/2023 20:40

I would start by removing details of your week and whereabouts from the shared calendar.

He's the controlling one.

alwaysmovingforwards · 02/05/2023 20:56

We quite happily share whereabouts info, but things often change and plans need to adopt.
I get wanting a room for some me time: the main bathroom, bedroom, living room etc.
But my partner telling me they wanted the whole house to themselves for a while? And if my plans change because a client meeting is cancelled and then the house I pay 50% of is locked or off limits to me??
Err no, fuck that.

Partyandbullshit · 02/05/2023 21:13

Have you told him you don't care what he does, where he does it, when he does it - you just want to know when the house is going to be free and when it's not?

If he can't grasp that, he's not fit to live with another adult, frankly. Do you have to use the bathroom and kitchen around him in the mornings/evenings? Do you share a car? How can you live with anyone, adult or child, who like to just please themselves without feeling totally on edge and subservient to their superior wishes?!

ButterflyOil · 02/05/2023 21:22

Sounds like you’ve been doing an awful lot of work with him / on him to make your marriage vows work. What has he actually initiated or contributed? It honestly sounds like you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time and effort to get him to be even a basically ok person to share a house with (like however long it took you to work on him to get him to contribute to the housework). Are there any things to do with your life as a married couple and improving the time you spend as partners together that he has been the driving force of? (Not including sex).

‘Cause it sounds very much like he has been dragged kicking and screaming into what you have now, which by your own admission still has terrible communication at its heart.

The trouble is, it’s almost impossible to communicate well enough for two people. You can put as much effort in as you like, but if one person is determined to do things their own way and NOT communicate there really is little you can do, except for accepting it (aka in your case put up and shut up it appears).

Bluetrews25 · 02/05/2023 21:30

First thought was that he doesn't want to tell you when he will be at home playing computer games/shaking hands with an old friend/picking his toenails on the couch as you might expect him do pick up the DCs or do dinner on an extra day.