If I ask DH to tell his whereabouts

[AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe]

My DH is self employed but tends to only work a couple of days a week on the whole. I work part time but more hours and have a long commute. He usually works longer hours one day a week that I’m at home so I am there to do school runs. But this isn’t a predictable pattern.

I rarely get time home alone and I cherish it. I don’t do anything much - but I just like the freedom I feel not having anyone to answer to. I also find time alone restorative. He has this when I am at work and DC are at school. I work a predictable pattern.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to let me know when he will be out at work and when he will be home?

He says it’s none of my business and thinks it’s controlling and intrusive for me to be asking. To be clear, I’m not in anyway wanting to check up on him or direct him. I just want to know when he is going to be out at work so I can plan my time at home a bit (yoga and a face pack, or a duvet day with Netflix for example - stuff I wouldn’t do if he was there).

He refuses to tell me. AIBU or is he?

He sounds like he's being stubborn for the sake of it and a little bit of an arse.

I also think you're being a bit unreasonable for wanting to make sure he's out the house because you'd rather have the house to yourself to do yoga and your face pack etc.

Knowing general work schedules is a basic communication issue. Keeping score of who does/doesn't have time in the house alone is odd to me. Everyone should get time to do something they enjoy, but nobody should get to expect the house to themselves because they'd rather not have their partner/spouse around when they relax.

Yep, I'm with this.

Its a bit ironic that you want freedom and independence on your time off but in order to do this you're saying he should plan his time and advise you in advance.

You could always switch it round. Plan in advance when you want to do facepacks and give him the schedule a fortnight in advance so he can ensure he's not home. If you find that too restrictive that's probably how he feels right now.

At first I thought he was BU, but the planning thing does help to make sense of it a bit. If he hates having to schedule his week then it will be hard for him to tell you when he's going to be where.

Could you compromise and be a bit more flexible as well? Maybe he could tell you the night before for example, rather than having to make an entire schedule at the beginning of the week?

I can see how that might make him feel restricted and tied down to plans if he is someone who prefers to be more spontaneous.

However, it also completely makes sense that you would want to know when you might have the house to yourself for some 'you' time.

Neither of you are really BU but your communication is bad and you both need to compromise a bit.

Me and my DH just share our plans for the day either the night before or on the morning.

Not what the OP asked

Take a random day off when he expects to have the house to himself I reckon

Can you frame it as a 'I'd like to know cos if we have the day off together, we can chill our together, and I'll make sure I'm around?' Or something similar? Some way he'll see an advantage in it!

Wow. So many replies. Thank you so much all. Much appreciated. Really helpful to hear different perspectives.

Seems like mostly it’s considered reasonable to ask about and know your partners comings and goings generally.

Just to be clear, I absolutely don’t expect him to be out of the house so I can have it to myself. I don't expect him to plan his work in any particular way. I don’t want to know ALL his plans in advance. I just want to be able to ask one or two days before, ‘What are you working on Tuesday?’ - just hours he is out - without being met with grumpiness. I just want a simple answer - ‘I’m booked up 9 - 3 but then will probably go to the gym’ for example. Then I know I’m pretty much alone until 3 and possibly longer.

It seems that those thinking that I am unreasonable are thinking that I want to book/guarantee alone time, know his full schedule, get him to plan his work more rigidly than he’d like or keep him out of the house. None of those are the case. I like time alone at home and am envious of his regular time alone, but totally accept that’s just the way it is. I just want to know a tiny bit in advance if I’m going to have the house to myself.

Mostly, I just want to know when he’ll be back (so the face pack is off, yoga done, MAFs watched 😳) I do useful stuff too like gardening, cleaning, sorting etc but I also like to put my music on and sing and dance while I do it! 😳😂). I just can’t feel relaxed enough to do that when he’s in. But what I do is irrelevant I guess. I just like to know when I have that time.

Those questioning the marriage. You are right. It shouldn’t be this hard. We are working on it and time will tell if that is enough. It’s an interesting take that it’s him being controlling by not letting me know. Food for thought!!

My plan is to have a talk with him about this and other things we need to address the next time we have some time to ourselves. It helps to have the different perspectives in my mind when we do that.

My conclusion is that it’s not unreasonable to ask and asking politely doesn’t necessitate a grumpy response. The grumpy response IS unreasonable!

You sound so reasonable but ground down by him.

Consider some counselling if you could, it would help you explore while you feel bound to accept this awful behaviour.

Self knowledge might help you with assertiveness and your boundaries and to get that his rude dismissal of you is extremely controlling in its fundamental disrespect of you.

Loving partners don't speak the way he does to you.

Sadly it sounds as if you chose very poorly a project and your marriage is a hard relentless slog.

I think if you could understand why your expectations for yourself are so low, you would find the strength to break free of a not very nice man.

You deserve so much better than this rude loser.

Men aren't projects for women to fix and when women finally realise this and ditch them, the freedom and relief is enormous.

He needs to hear the truth about what an hard, unpleasant man he is to live with.

Love isn't a finite thing.

It can disappear very quickly when living in such barren space.

Think about the life and future YOU really want.

He has broken your vows in many ways.

It takes two for a marriage to work well.

If I'm reading this right, you get very little time in the house alone and never know when he'll be back on the odd times you DO get it? Frankly, that is classic controlling behaviour. It keeps you on edge, never completely able to relax and would make me so angry.

I think for childcare purposes and meal planning then yes it is completely reasonable.
We don’t have kids but do have a menagerie of pets and I cook dinners so I sit him down on a weekend and ask his plans for the week so I can buy and cook the right amount of food and prep the dog Walker (who is a friend and very laid back). I have ended up doing all the organisation of this despite having the busier job but that’s partly my control freak nature.
Things change sometimes as we both work full time and have different hobbies.
Beyond that he can come and go as he chooses. I wouldn’t be expecting him to go out so I could have the house to myself. It is his house too.
Mind you he was away with work last night which never happens and I could catch up on mafs with the dog to my hearts content.
I do expect him to let me know where he is though if that makes sense. As in I have a meeting tonight at XX, or I’m doing something with my family on Sunday. There would be no tolerance for being secretive. Especially if you have kids

@billy1966 Spot on. You've hit the nail on the head there.

OP consider why you are allowing this to continue. He is controlling your life, even in his absence and then gaslighting you about it. You deserve better.

Do you have your own bank account? If not, open one. Have a little "emergency fund" because if things ever go pear-shaped you may need money and can't rely on a joint account that he could block your access to.

If the relationship starts to deteriorate further, leave some spare clothes with a trusted friend or relation, or even at work, so that you can leave home quickly and without a fuss if it ever becomes necessary.

OP, the simple solution is not to ask anything related to his whereabouts. If your goal is to hsve a few free hours alone in the house , why not say" is it possible that I can have the house from 1-4 on Tuesdays?" Saying it in this manner gives you a specific time to yourself, and it does not make intrusive inquiries related to his schedule.

This would meet your needs in a manner that is specific but also mindful of his needs to be in control of his own time.

My plan is to have a talk with him about this
NOPE, this is too submissive to compliant, this is you appealing to him explaining yourself to him, giving him information about how you feel in the hope that he will use that to help you feel better, being accountable for your actions in the hope that he will respond by giving you the same courtesy.
He will not, any information you give him he will use to make life better for himself, any concessions that you make he will use as an opportunity to grab more power.
You need to make life as confusing and difficult for him as he is making it for you.

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes I did, none of what she said requires planning so if he goes out do some yoga or stuck a facepack on, if he doesn't then don't (if she feels she can't do that when he's there) I would hate to feel I couldn't go home whenever I felt like it in case my partner was 'busy' so I can understand his stance 🤔

Eh I don't even need to ask my hubby. He let's me know when he's roughly gona be either home from work or if he takes the 4 kids out when he will be back then I can sort out my time for rest,meals,housework etc some of which is easier to do when he takes the kids out for a while. So no its not unreasonable at all.

It's giving "builder who is using his unpredictable hours to cheat on his wife" energy. I think he's being suspicious and unreasonable, the fact he's angry when you ask him is a huge red flag.

My DH dropbombs that he’s going away for a week, the night before he leaves. There is no way his work trip is planned 8 hours beforehand. It is a controlling move. I cannot stand it.

YANU - What you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable or excessive.

I think if you’re prepared to work on the stuff that you find tough - DH needs to extend the same courtesy by seeking help dealing with things that are triggering from his childhood. Counselling / therapy etc?

Its likely to be financially costly (or a very long wait) and a huge emotional investment but benefit him and by extension you. x

Classic example. I knew when he was finishing work today. I knew he was going to the gym. Didn’t know if he’d be back inbetween. No idea what time he will be home. No idea if he will need food or not. So am assuming not.

Not a builder. Not cheating. Already in therapy. 😊

Unrealnotunrealistic

Thats next level!! I’d be very angry about that. You have more patience than I do!

Stop cooking for this selfish loser.

Help yourself here.

If he can't participate in the most basic of courtesies, stop cooking for him completely.

agree, dont prepare food for him, dont do anything for him, you cant be left twisting in the wind wondering if he's going to be there to eat the food, wear the clothes you've washed, watch the film you picked out etc.
He doesnt want to behave like a partner, he's more like a bad tempered house mate, so treat him as accordingly

I know it's mean but I really want you to do this.

@AnnoyingHusbandOrIsHe

Why is it such a big problem that you both turned up to pick up the kids?

I mean, who said there was a rule that two parents can only choose one for pickup every day their whole lives?

I get that you made a mistake with coordination, but that’s between you two. Other people who are ‘amused’ (sounds like you mean in a ‘mean girls’ type of manner) that you both turned up to collect the child can go kick rocks! 😞