To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

[roomallocations]

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

Only read page 1 and my piss is so boiled I have had to come off the thread op.
Your dh is an utter twat.
We lost our rental as ll was selling up. Dh scoured for weeks to find a place big enough for MY 20 year old ds. Would have been easier to find a smaller place but dh would never have pushed ds out when he wasn't ready....and he has no extra needs... Your dss is a brat and easy to see where he gets his entitlement from.

@roomallocations

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

Your husband sounds like an entitled cheeky bugger. This would make me very nervous that enforcing your stepson's wants is, actually, what's on his mind to the detriment of your eldest child and would suggest to your husband that he moves out and provides his own property for himself and his son and ensure he gets his own room there. Your son should not be pushed out of his home.

Don't be bullied in your own home OP: not by anyone. 🌹

I would keep an eye on your not so dear husband making your eldest uncomfortable in his home to make way for DSS.
Also going to a solicitor to make sure your house is protected against divorce wouldn't hurt at all.
The Ex and your DSS have absolutely no say in what rooms in your house are allocated.

Absolutely it's fair. Your DSS has the advantage of getting his own room the majority of the time, he absolutely can share like the other boys for the time that he's with you. Absolutely laughable that they want a 20 year old man who works night shifts to share with an 11 year old who has school to get to in the morning. What on earth are they thinking?

Also you say that DSS's mum has expressed an opinion he needs his own room. Absolutely do not let someone who doesn't even live there contribute to this conversation.

Apparently I absolutely only know one advert tonight...

This. Exactly this.

DSS is there 6 nights a month; there is no room to give him for his own use. Ridiculous to suggest he still should have one.

If your DH carries on, tell him to stump up and buy a bigger house for all of you or he can leave which should solve your space issues as he and DSS will no longer require any space in your home.

So hold on a minute.... your eldest shared child is 13. If you had the house before you joined household's then you've been I'm the house more than 13 years? And now DSS who I assume has been in this arrangement since he was 2 or 3 has now decided he is entitled to his own room to the detriment of all other occupants - and his dad is backing him... to the extent he thinks the 'blocker' of the bedroom should simply move out?

I'd be very carefully watching the relationship between DS1 and DH if I were you as I suspect DH would be trying to push DS1 out sneakily if he is already making such inappropriate comments to you. You are going to need to protect your eldest here I think.

I owned it 6 years before I met dh !!

I know that if we split that it would probably be seen as 50/50 but I still feel like it’s ‘my’ house. Maybe that’s wrong but it’s how I feel

Unfortunately for you @roomallocations, your DH would be entitled to half of the house if you were to split up, unless you've done something legally to protect your interests.

That said, I get why you feel as you do as your DSS should share the room with his brothers as that is the fairest arrangement, but I do feel for your DH as it must be horrible for him to have lived in a house for well over a decade and yet not be treated as his equal home.

Well, I think you're being a bit unreasonable continuing to view this house as yours, given you've got teenage children with your DH and have lived with him and them in this house all your joint children's lives! But I see what you mean, hence only a bit unreasonable. Anyway, that's by the by.

The arrangements sound reasonable to me as they are.

Asking your rent-paying DS to move or move out so that your DSS can have not one but two rooms of his own, one with each parent, 3 out of every 4 weekends, without good reason, is unreasonable. He's seen something he likes, he wants it, he's asking his divorced parent for it. Can you imagine either of your older children asking the same of their dad and stepmom (if they have one)?

It should be a hard no to your oldest son moving out. Would you DH be happier if the two of you had the en suite room? That seems more reasonable anyway.

With DS1 in the box room, I mean.

At this rate the younger two will have the choice between moving out at 18/19/20 because it's that or share a room as an adult. Independent living for the older ones (obviously not yet DD) does need to be explored over the next few years.

Exactly.

It seems to me there's a strange sort of favouritism of oldest children on MN when it comes to bedrooms. You so often see people state unquestionably that the eldest child must have the biggest bedroom, which I find strange in and of itself. But then if the intention is for all of the children to be able to stay well into adulthood, then you end up in a situation where the younger children are left sharing way past the age that would have been deemed unacceptable for the oldest, and never benefit from the independence deemed crucial for them.

So what have you said to your Husband @roomallocations ? Have you told him it won't be happening?

I don’t know U.K. law, but why didn’t you ring fence your property into a trust before marrying DH to protect your children’s future? Seems mad.

You do realise that unless she somehow ring fenced by putting it in trust it did actually become his house jointly upon marriage ..

@roomallocations please don’t listen to people who say it’s now his house 50:50 that’s absolutely not how things work. But he could start to accumulate interest please speak with a solicitor just to get clarification and protect your home.

Id suggest a will at the same time passing the property to your kids and ensuring that they are always cared for and have a roof over their heads (particularly the 20 year old)

I think the fact that the eldest has ASD, works nights and pays rent counts more than just being the first born here.

Perhaps if the younger ones need to share for longer they will get a reduction in rent or none at all, however that's up to their parents.

Can DS3 share with DS1? Seems like they might be ships passing in the night so it could work, 2 singles rather than a double?

Erm actually yes, it IS how things work.
It's not automatic - i.e if a you married a millionaire and then divorced them in a few years, no children you'd not get half the house.
And may not be 50/50.
But a long relationship, joint children, them all living in it as the family home? Absolutely, he is entitled to a large share, Regardless of 'bills', decorating or whatever he doesn't need to do anything special to accumulate interest.
https://barrellison.co.uk/is-a-house-purchased-before-marriage-a-marital-asset/
https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/home-rights-divorce-and-property-owned-before-marriage/

The major assumption here is how long they've been married.

Loft room with en suite - DS and DSS
Largest bedroom - You and DH
Small room - DD
Box room - Eldest DS

Sounds fair, DS1 can’t share as needs to sleep on day and pays rent.

Maybe one of his brothers could move up with him when your DSS stays but totally unreasonable for a room to be for a child whose only there 6 days a month.

Or are they asking DS1 to share with his brothers only when DSS visits? Maybe that’s fair in exchange for him living there rent free?

Your current arrangement is more than sufficient. For the extra large room that the 3 boys are sharing, have you considered a temporary partition that will allow light through that can also double up as storage?

Something like this springs to mind: https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjQ4qWDwtf-AhXS7e0KHV8dA0EYABALGgJkZw&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESauD2KtArIvUL_tthj7LObnKnOxTHn80p9B25pAjkhi77okyxN-UBd1NRUvCgPceqHSQ8BvWK7mLSugxWJGVSQeyDdP5p4uH9ycbqsbDi0Pw1moVBWrC9lxB0OLmjz9X_8r_Uzn7JtOaJpjQ&sig=AOD64_0bYZerQpYu9ViNzskqAoY5s0YKFg&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjny5-Dwtf-AhUsSEEAHe09CxAQwg8oAHoECAcQUg&adurl=

*I think the fact that the eldest has ASD, works nights and pays rent counts more than just being the first born here.

Perhaps if the younger ones need to share for longer they will get a reduction in rent or none at all, however that's up to their parents*

Personally I don't think paying rent is a strong argument for why an adult child should get to stay and take the best room when they have younger siblings in need of the space - it doesn't change the fact that they are able to live elsewhere so it is most fair for them to do so, if anything the fact they're able to pay rent only increases that.

But yes, the ASD makes a big difference, that's why I think some honest thought needs to go into how serious his needs are and what his prospects are. Will he ever be able to live independently? Or would he be able to, perhaps with some support? If that is an option, it does need to be explored given the amount of other children in the household.

ASD aside many young adults these days move back home to save. Or after relationship breakdown, job loss. Rents are sky high and it makes sense to stay home and save for a deposit if you can.

The middle child is 13, only 5 more years before he leaves (if he does!) for university. I'm not sure whether a few years of having his own room makes any difference...