To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

[roomallocations]

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

He needs additional support? Can't afford it? No savings for a deposit? Could be a host of reasons

Sure, @amiold. That’s why it’s worth considering. Obviously if it’s not appropriate, it won’t happen. You don’t know any more about the OP’s situation than I do, but barring any major obstacle as you’ve listed, I would consider it

I don’t actually think we disagree?

I just don't think he even needs to think about moving out at 19. There's beds for everyone and it's worked up until now that the step son has decided he doesn't like the set up and should trump the older son because ... well I've no idea why he thinks he should have that room given he isn't the oldest and he's only stayed a few weekends a month.

Sorry 20

I agree, why on earth are you in a box room?

So the spoilt brat DSS isn't used to sharing at mummies. He comes to stay at yours which is your children's home that 20 year old pays rent to live there. He see's his room and wants it for himself. I wouldn't be giving into him. If anyone should get they're own room it should be DS3.

Why would you move out at 19? Seems young and not the norm

Because your parents house is overcrowded and you need to be realistic.

https://www.quick-garden.co.uk/camping-pod-brittany-3m-x-6m-10x20-ft-28-mm.html

Any way you could afford a garden pod like this? it'd be ideal for DS1 (20) which would free up the loft space, that's if you have the space in the garden for it. He'd have more independence but you'd be right there should he need you too.

It isn't that overcrowded, they all have beds. His mum who owns the house doesn't want him to move out so why should he? He's still her kid, you can't just turf them out when they get to a certain age. House would be less overcrowded it dss stays with his mum. He has that option

She's explained she has back problems so can't get up the stairs to the loft. At 20 anyway ds1 will be more responsible to tidy his own room make his own bed. As well as the en suite than a 15 year old.

Well yeah.

At this rate the younger two will have the choice between moving out at 18/19/20 because it's that or share a room as an adult. Independent living for the older ones (obviously not yet DD) does need to be explored over the next few years.

It isn't that overcrowded, they all have beds. His mum who owns the house doesn't want him to move out so why should he? He's still her kid, you can't just turf them out when they get to a certain age. House would be less overcrowded it dss stays with his mum. He has that option

Personally I'm fine with two sharing but I think three is pretty crowded. If the eldest was NT I would definitely say the right thing is for them to move out.

And you can turf kids out when they reach a certain age. Most wouldn't put it that way but it is a standard thing that happens, people just vary on what age is their limit.

Be lovely in warmer weather. But with the great British weather we get most of the year. He couldn't live in there all year round. What about during a hurricane?

Sounds fair, the step son doesn't live there full time and is only 15, your son lives there full time, is an adult and paying rent. A 20 year old can't share with an 11 and 13 year old, they are children, the step son is a child so should be in the kids room. He might well want the best room but there's someone older who pays rent and lives there full time, they get preference.

Dd has autism too and she has her desk in her room so she can do her homework in peace . She gets really exhausted by school and the small room is quieter as ds1 en-suite is above the box room and I sleep through anything !!!!

No one asked you to be fine with three sharing so that's irrelevant as not your home. Three have to share because step son wants to stay in ops home where her children have to be house.

People do not turf their kids out as soon as they are adults. He can't afford to move out and has nowhere to go... so what should he do in that scenario??

Ds1 still needs a lot of support, he doesn’t earn enough to move and is saving , he pays a small amount of rent but I wanted to encourage home to work and save as I think long term it will give him more choices and he needs that head start . He’s putting all his efforts into working and keeping his job and doing so well

I'm taking it when you moved into the house your husband was happy with the setup as is now? I think it's probably normal that little kids are happy to share and then as they get older they want there own space, that doesn't make your stepson a brat but it doesn't change the fact it isn't an option.
I'd suggest to your husband that he either needs to build an extension or split the shared room in a way that makes sense, make it clear the conversation ends there.
Also point out that if he ever makes it in anyway obvious that he doesn't want your older son to stay in his own home then he needs to find someone else to live, your son no matter what age should always come before your husband's demands. The ex wife needs to back off, nothing to do with her.

I don't know if you've noticed but we have a COL crisis going on ATM. People are being evicted because landlords are selling up. Because tenants cannot afford the huge rent increase with interest rates going up. He would be better off saving his wages for a deposit to buy a flat to get on the property ladder. Rather than as someone has suggested stick him in a shed.

Could you move to a sofa bed in the living room or if you have a room downstairs move in there. (friend gave he dc the upstairs of the house and her and her Dh converted the garage to make a bedroom and small en-suite .
Move one of the boys into the box room and split the big bedroom but with a stud wall that doesn’t go to the ceiling so the light still gets into all of the “rooms” and a curtain hung in the space where a door should be

I think this is very normal. I don't know many 20 year olds who are expected to leave the family home. I certainly never and wouldn't have had the money to either. I think some people were probably expected to so they're projecting that everyone should.

The set up is the set up. If step son doesn't want to share he should stay with his mum. The set up doesn't change because he wants his own room.

A 15 yo does not get to decide on sleeping arrangements, especially when they've changed the goal posts
Your arrangement is fine, he can't expect the same privacy that he gets when he lives at his DMs

@Nanny0gg

a house doesn’t automatically become shared on marriage it would be viewed as a pre-marital asset. Some things may change this but the exact split would then be determined by the court.

if I were the OP I would be speaking with a solicitor to ensure that a rhetoric of him doing some home improvements don’t start allowing him to inadvertently accumulate an interest. Make sure her assets are protected for the long term and that should the wheels fall off this down the line her and her kids are always protected.

Did you own/rent the house before you met your husband? If so, I'd be inclined to say if the stepson doesn't like the sleeping arrangement, he can visit day times and go home in the evenings. Your children live with you full time, so it's only right they get the better bedrooms. Stepson sounds ungrateful, at least he has a bed to sleep in.

Ds1 is an adult and requires his own room, which he pays rent for. End of.