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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
Lockheart · 02/05/2023 22:13

The room allocations are fine as they are.

It's just as much the DH's home as the OPs. They are married and presumably have been for many years now, as they have a 13 year old child.

Viviennemary · 02/05/2023 22:14

I think what you have done is the fairest way

ThinWomansBrain · 02/05/2023 22:15

If DS1 is working nights and needing to sleep in the day, makes total sense that he has the room furthest away from day time noise.
Tell "D"H to buy his own house to accommodate spoilt brat.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 22:16

*ASD aside many young adults these days move back home to save. Or after relationship breakdown, job loss. Rents are sky high and it makes sense to stay home and save for a deposit if you can.

The middle child is 13, only 5 more years before he leaves (if he does!) for university. I'm not sure whether a few years of having his own room makes any difference...*

Yes I know they do, I'm saying if them doing so means their younger siblings can never have independent space then it's not really fair for them to do so. Obviously if they are able to live independently and choosing not to.

And again, I find that independent space is generally considered essential for the oldest child in their late teens. But by your description here of the younger children, seemingly it doesn't matter at all.

celticprincess · 02/05/2023 22:23

It’s interesting.
My now ex used to live with his now also ex girlfriend. They had a baby. Their child got her own room as she lived there permanently and my two had to share. My eldest has ASD also and my two started having issues at home and have their own rooms. They did share for a while and we had a play room but we had to go to separate for many reasons. I never expected them not to share though at his house. Since ex split with that gf and none of them live there permanently he has changed their rooms around so my eldest who is a teen (13) has her own room and the two younger ones share (10 and 6). My youngest hates sharing with her little sister but it’s just life. She does have a little cupboard that’s made into a reading nook with fairy lights that’s in the room.

I couldn’t quite see why your eldest got the loft room with ensuit until you explained your issue with stairs as there’s no way I’d go for a shared bathroom and box room with one of my kids getting the loft and ensuit. But I see your logic. I think your SS has got a case of the green eyed monster. Other than the suggestions already made there’s not much else you can do.

I can see why your eldest is still at home. I think mine will be at home for many years.

TammyJones · 02/05/2023 22:24

The pp asking why the eldest got the next biggest room after the master.
We moved once and dd1 picked bed 3
We then put ds2 in bed 2.
We had the master.
It didn't work - dd 1 couldn't get her big wardrobe in the room so her clothes had to stored elsewhere.
Ds2 was so little he looked lost in his massive room.
In the end we swooped them over
Dd1 got a room which would take her wardrobe and we actually got her a double bed - she was a very a tall 12 year old.
Ds2 had bed 3 which was much cosier fir him.
He moved again to bed 4 after about 6 months - similar size but on the back.
Finally settled.
I think your current set up is the most fair.
My 2 ss shared with ds2 in the first house (sofa beds)
2nd house - the dining room
3rd house - well by that time they were older teenagers who only came as and when- so with ds2.
Both ended up living with us (separately) for the odd year, and lucky having 4 beds they got their own room.

Walkaround · 02/05/2023 22:32

Well, how utterly ridiculous for a 15 year old boy who is only there some of the time to expect a room with an en suite to be kept especially for him when there is limited space and the person he would be chucking out of the room patently needs it more than him and, what’s more, is paying for the extra privilege, anyway. Tell your dh that from an outsider’s objective perspective, he is pandering to a selfish, thoughtless request.

Camablanca · 02/05/2023 22:35

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 22:16

*ASD aside many young adults these days move back home to save. Or after relationship breakdown, job loss. Rents are sky high and it makes sense to stay home and save for a deposit if you can.

The middle child is 13, only 5 more years before he leaves (if he does!) for university. I'm not sure whether a few years of having his own room makes any difference...*

Yes I know they do, I'm saying if them doing so means their younger siblings can never have independent space then it's not really fair for them to do so. Obviously if they are able to live independently and choosing not to.

And again, I find that independent space is generally considered essential for the oldest child in their late teens. But by your description here of the younger children, seemingly it doesn't matter at all.

Whether it matters is just your opinion though. Plenty of people manage. Especially as in this case they are all sharing a large bedroom. Not crammed into a tiny room with bunk beds. And have shared for a long time already.

There could also be space carved out for them in the communal areas if the footprint of the house is large.

Itsanotherhreatday · 02/05/2023 22:39

I think you’ve been fair.

DSS shouldn’t have two bedrooms! That’s not fair!!

I would ask your DH to move into the boys room and you have your own room - it’s your house!

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/05/2023 22:53

Inthesamesinkingboat · 02/05/2023 14:39

So you own the house but DH is now dictating who can live there by suggesting your child moves out so there’s more room for his kid? Where the fuck do these men get the balls from?

the situation is fine, if he doesn’t like it he can go and buy a bigger house for you all can’t he.

This times 100.

smooththecat · 02/05/2023 22:57

If Ds1 not moving out soon you probably need a bigger house tbh. What are you going to do when you’ve got a 17 dd, 15 & 13 Ds and 17 dss as well as a 22 yo? That looks like a 6 bedroom job to me. Can you recruit another room? Extension?

anyolddinosaur · 02/05/2023 22:59

You've offered a generous solution - partition off the very large room to give dss his own space. If your husband doesnt like it you need a bigger house. It is your family home so he gets a say, he doesnt get to dictate though.

midlifecrash · 02/05/2023 23:08

The rooms are allocated. There is no other room. The End.

hot2trotter · 02/05/2023 23:26

Stop letting all of these people (especially DSS's mum - who cares what she thinks?? Tell her to mind her own business) dictate to you where people sleep in your own house.

DS1 is paying rent so should absolutely get his own space. DD, well, not her fault she is the only girl and can't share with the others. Your youngest two,plus your SS who is only there 6 nights out of 30 anyway, should be sharing the big room.
The set up sounds good and evidently has been fine for years up to now.
Honestly just stop pandering to them and don't entertain anymore of this nonsense.
If DH and DSS don't like it, they know where the door is.

IVFfirsttimer91 · 02/05/2023 23:43

I think it’s fair. Your daughter is with you all the time, has additional needs, and is the only girl (aside from you) in a house full of boys hitting/in puberty. She absolutely needs her own space. And short of growing an extra room on your house I think the only way you can fit everyone is how you’re already doing it.

SpringNotSprung · 02/05/2023 23:46

I hope someone has said:

  1. The two older children are neuro diverse and need the spaces they have.
  1. You own the house, not your DH.
  1. The dss is sharing with his half brothers.
  1. Blended families involve compromise for those who are physically and emotionally able to make compromises.
  1. I good old fashioned MNet parlance "no" can be a complete sentence.
MrsMiddleMother · 02/05/2023 23:48

Room allocation is absolutely fair. Tell dh, his ex wife and son to like it or lump it.

cocog · 02/05/2023 23:55

Wow they’re entitled! Tell them you will pull a magic wand out and create a room like mrs Weasley. Why should any of your kids be moved out of their room to accommodate a ss who’s there 6 days a month they were there first. And no 20 is young to move out for any young adult especially now with the cost of everything. They will have to realise that their child can’t be prioritised in a house with 6 other people in it. I’m sure your younger kids would like there own space too might be good for him to share for a few days a month 🤔

Ineedtoloseweightnow · 02/05/2023 23:58

No just no! In an ideal world all children would have their own room or space but they don’t so tough. What makes dss more of a priority for that than children who live there full time! Totally at it. Not only does your eldest child work, he pays rent and I’m pretty sure needs his own space and not to share with younger siblings. I’d be more worried as they all get older as having their own space will become more important. Maybe time for a move or and extension. Please put your foot down this is ridiculous. Not to mention your house!!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 03/05/2023 00:00

While the set up is not ideal it would be mental to make a 15 year old who's there 6 days a month to swap with an adult who lives there full time and pays rent.

chaosmaker · 03/05/2023 00:05

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:35

Dss wanted to stay an extra weekend each month, which was fine and that’s when this all started. He first of all kept moaning that the bathroom was busy when he wanted it and saying ‘it’s not fair, Ds1 has his own bathroom ‘ etc etc so I said he could use it as Ds1 was at work , he came down later and said it wasn’t fair he wants that room . He hasn’t seen it before and I think just prefers it so is playing the ‘I feel uncomfortable sharing’ card

Show quote history

Sounds like he's being a brat and trying to throw his weight around. Tell him those are the arrangements and he'll have to cope with it. If he's got his own space at his other house then he can stay there more. Easy.

RunningUpThatMill · 03/05/2023 00:08

This is totally fair.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2023 00:21

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:29

I suggested a partition in the boys room but dh said it will leave dss with no natural light due to where the window is and isn’t fair. Their reading for swapping ds1 and Dss is that as ds needs to sleep during the day when everyone else at school that he can do so in peace whereas dss feels uncomfortable and wants his own space

The house is mine and I feel like I’m being dictated to !

Well that's going to go to shit come the school holidays isn't it.

Hold firm op.

DD has her own room cos she's the only girl.

Ds1 has his own room because he's PAYING RENT.

The rest of them share cos that's what siblings do.

Just make sure that DS'S has his own space for his clothes, his own space to work, his own space for posters as much as the other boys do.

That's it.

He doesn't get to push your kid out.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2023 00:24

smooththecat · 02/05/2023 22:57

If Ds1 not moving out soon you probably need a bigger house tbh. What are you going to do when you’ve got a 17 dd, 15 & 13 Ds and 17 dss as well as a 22 yo? That looks like a 6 bedroom job to me. Can you recruit another room? Extension?

Plenty of kids share until they go off to Uni / move out. It's just life. Esp in the current market.

As long as they have space to study and rules about respecting that space, there's zero reason a 17, 15 and 13 yo who are all brothers can't share.

ECN73 · 03/05/2023 00:29

The absolute cheek! The room allocation makes sense. It's your house. Just because your dh lives there now and helps with bills etc doesn't entitle him to 50/50 btw. Stand your ground and make sure you don't add his name to the house deeds. The fact he thinks his son, who doesn't live there full time, deserves the best bedroom in a house that belongs to you, is worrying.