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Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
Livinginanotherworld · 02/05/2023 19:14

CherryPiee · 02/05/2023 17:50

Why should your step son get priority over your 20 year old autistic son, who pays rent and works? And lives there full time?

It's actually quite vile. As another PP commented, be aware of how your DH is treating your oldest son. It is his home just as much as it is DH and SS. Why should he be guilted into leaving his home?

This.

TroysMammy · 02/05/2023 19:15

DSS may feel miffed he has to share but two of your DSs have to share too, with each other every day and DSS 6 times a month.

Beautifulsunflowers · 02/05/2023 19:17

Seems fair to me. Don’t engage in any more talk about it. Just because dss wants his own room doesn’t mean he get what he wants.

EggInANest · 02/05/2023 19:17

Dss’s mother thinks she can tell you what to do with your own house? And your DH is ganging up with her to try and oust your Ds from his room? I would be incandescent.

Your house isn’t really big enough, that’s the problem. But not sure you can solve that.

Is there a downstairs space that could be repurposed?

But it is so obvious that the prime room should not be reserved for the person who is only there 6 nights a month. And LOL at your DH and his ex arguing that your Ds mostly uses his room during the day as a reason to grab it…. For a child who is only there 6 nights a month.

Be careful OP. The ex is stirring here. Your DH is falling for it, and also doing that male thing where step dads try and oust the son. Like Lion King. And the Greek tragedies. It happens a lot. Step dad’s not accepting a young male who isn’t theirs in the home.

cansu · 02/05/2023 19:21

It is fair. Stick to your guns. Even if ds1 did move out, I don't see why dss should have it given that he is only spending some weekends at the house.

MidgeHardcastle · 02/05/2023 19:26

So two of dh's sons have to share but the third thinks he's a bit more special? And dh agrees? How would that make his other sons feel? Well done for nipping it in the bud.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 19:26

OP, another situation where telling your husband to sling his hook at him and his ex thinking they have any right to dictate YOUR home.

Clear to see where his loyalty lies.

The split of rooms is very fair.

I would be having a very hard think about your relationship with someone who depends on YOU to house him and his children.

Protect your children.

Perhaps he should move back with his ex for a while.

I really feel for your DS1 in this situation.

Another man trying to get rid of a young man from HIS home.

Your DS1 needs protecting from this twat you have brought into his life.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 19:32

Livinginanotherworld · 02/05/2023 19:14

This.

Show quote history

Its a consistent theme on MN of men wanting rid of the young male adult and doing their level best to push them out.

A few of the threads were truly shockingly sad.

That he and his wife are conspiring against you in your own home is extraordinary.

That you are not incandescent and helping him to pack is rather sad.

Don't allow this man to alienate your son in HIS home....he clearly has more than enough challenges to deal with in his life, besides this twat adding to them.

19lottie82 · 02/05/2023 19:35

I moved out when I was 19 for the same reason.

good for you, but I’m going to make a stab in the dark that

1 - You aren’t disabled?

and

2 - there wasn’t an insane housing / renting crisis at the time?

ShowUs · 02/05/2023 19:37

The eldest gets their own room, especially if paying rent.

Once he moves out then the next eldest gets that room and so on.

Why would the best room in the house going to be empty for half of the time. That’s just silly.

If DH wants home to have his own room then he’s going to have to come up with the money ti buy a bigger house.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 19:40

Tricky one. Usually I'm in favour of resident children being prioritised for space but less so when one of the children is an adult.

I'm of the feeling that when you have this amount of children, you're forfeiting the idea of your eldest staying at home into adulthood as dependent children with no choice need to be prioritised. Two might stay sharing so the eldest can stay at home, but three is pushing it.

So it depends how severe your eldest's needs are really. Do you feel like there is a point where you could envision him living independently, perhaps with your help?

Gothambutnotahamster · 02/05/2023 19:43

NBLarsen · 02/05/2023 14:42

I think the way you have done it is fair to everyone.

DS1 is working and paying rent so is entitled to a bit of grown up privacy up in the loft.

I might put your daughter into the tiny box room and you and DH in the small bedroom, just because there are two of you and one of her.

I don't see any issue at all with the three boys of a similar age sharing a big room together. You can sell it to them as a boys studio apartment sort of thing. Is there another area in the house that could be set up as a games area or homework area, so that the bedroom is more of a chill out/sleeping space?

There isn't room for your stepson to have his own space. Having him sharing puts him on equal footing with the other two boys, surely your DH wants him to be treated equally so he's just part of the family, rather than singled out?

Absolutely this - your configuration is right Op & please don't allow yourself to be bullied in your own home.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/05/2023 19:46

Why should someone who comes three weekends a month get a large room, when your son lives with you full time

ask your husband that
what you do at the moment is fair

no more discussion

PaigeMatthews · 02/05/2023 19:46

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:41

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

Show quote history

If you have a 13 year old together and are married, I dont know how it isnt also your dh's house at this stage.

what’s the deal with you saying it isnt his house?

but you allocation is fine. Your dh is unreasonable.

you just need to be firm. This is the allocation. This is what works for the majority of people. It isnt up for discussion.

ActDottie · 02/05/2023 20:05

I think it’s fair particularly given DSS doesn’t stay that often.

At 20 and paying rent DS1 definitely should keep loft room.

ShowUs · 02/05/2023 20:06

Tinkerbyebye · 02/05/2023 19:46

Why should someone who comes three weekends a month get a large room, when your son lives with you full time

ask your husband that
what you do at the moment is fair

no more discussion

Exactly.

That big bedroom and bathroom would be empty most of the time.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2023 20:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2023 15:39

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

I would be careful with this one. He thinks your house is becoming his house.

It is. They're married

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2023 20:11

Comefromaway · 02/05/2023 16:07

I imagine its done for convenience. As a shift worker he will not disturb the rest of the house and vice versa using the main bathroom/in the main area of the house

Show quote history

Because the OP can't manage 2 sets of stairs

OhwhyOY · 02/05/2023 20:15

I would say that if he's your partner/husband he should have the right to have an opinion on the issue. However, you need both of you to agree in order to change the situation and you clearly don't agree. As basically everyone has said, the situation you have seems the only realistic option. DSS is not always in the house with you and therefore needs to accept that he can't just demand the biggest room. Your DH needs to recognise that your oldest son needs support so can't move out but also deserves privacy given his age. So DH can choose either 1) things stay as they are or 2) a partition in the boys' bedroom.

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 20:24

19lottie82 · 02/05/2023 19:35

I moved out when I was 19 for the same reason.

good for you, but I’m going to make a stab in the dark that

1 - You aren’t disabled?

and

2 - there wasn’t an insane housing / renting crisis at the time?

2013; I’m not that old! No, I don’t have ASD. But DS1 having ASD isn’t going to make the house bigger. I don’t think he should move out immediately, and certainly not for DSS, but long term it’s worth thinking about and beginning to socialise the idea. Unless OP gets a bigger house, in which case, he can stay there forever

DumpedByText · 02/05/2023 20:27

Why does DSS mum get a say in this, she needs keep out of it. It's fair as you can't magic a room up and DS1 is paying rent for his room.

amiold · 02/05/2023 20:27

@AlmostWife what has your situation got to do with this one?
Why would you move out at 19? Seems young and not the norm

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 20:30

@amiold I just don’t see why you wouldn’t start to think about moving if you’re working and in an overcrowded house

momtoboys · 02/05/2023 20:32

What happens when he decides he wants to sleep in the biggest room? Are you expected to move your other three sons into the loft? He AND his mom are taking the piss.

AppallinglyReheated · 02/05/2023 20:33

Suggest to DS1 - for a rent reduction, he can 'hotbed' with DSS - so DSS gets to use the room when DS1 is at work, benefits of no one else sleeping in it and the en suite.

When DS1 is there then pull out bed for DSS or he goes back in with the other two.

Or DSS can continue to share as he is doing now.

It's not as if DSS is being asked to do anything others in the house are not doing and DS1 pays rent, and sleeps on the top floor as its further from the rest of the family when he's sleeping during the day.

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