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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
candlesandbroomsticks · 05/05/2023 23:54

@Skinthin what exactly has op said that's made you suddenly shift gears ?

I don't think op minds DSC staying. I think she minds it being assumed that she will be default childcare for DSC and her dps life will go on unaffected by this massive change.

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 00:08

candlesandbroomsticks · 05/05/2023 23:54

@Skinthin what exactly has op said that's made you suddenly shift gears ?

I don't think op minds DSC staying. I think she minds it being assumed that she will be default childcare for DSC and her dps life will go on unaffected by this massive change.

fair question. I think it was that at first I thought it was more about practicalities / logistics and the fact that OP is already doing more than her fair share . I totally understood her position of not wanting to take on more and feeling taken for granted.

The more she responded to pp’s , however, the more it seemed that she doesn’t really have much respect for her DSs - that she holds him a little in contempt and sees him as less worthy than her own DC 😔. Didn’t she call him “babyish” and “ spoiled” at one point. And then she writs stuff like this:

” it works for our children who get to spend time with their mother, it works for his mum. Why should everyone change about because he wants a TV”

just sounds really dismissive and belittling and like she doesn’t really value him as a member of the family on an equal footing with her DC,

Liorae · 06/05/2023 00:30

Skinthin · 05/05/2023 23:46

No but you should be expected to treat them completely equally to other children in the family, as they are all children in the family and they are all , objectively , of equal worth (even if not in your mind). I was with you in your original OP, but from your updates you sound absolutely horrible. I would never subject my children to a step parent like you. DSS much better staying with his mum.

Show quote history

If OP is so horrible why does her stepson want to live with her instead of his own mother?

Codlingmoths · 06/05/2023 00:31

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 00:08

fair question. I think it was that at first I thought it was more about practicalities / logistics and the fact that OP is already doing more than her fair share . I totally understood her position of not wanting to take on more and feeling taken for granted.

The more she responded to pp’s , however, the more it seemed that she doesn’t really have much respect for her DSs - that she holds him a little in contempt and sees him as less worthy than her own DC 😔. Didn’t she call him “babyish” and “ spoiled” at one point. And then she writs stuff like this:

” it works for our children who get to spend time with their mother, it works for his mum. Why should everyone change about because he wants a TV”

just sounds really dismissive and belittling and like she doesn’t really value him as a member of the family on an equal footing with her DC,

Show quote history

That doesn’t sound belittling so much as an accurate view of a 12 year old who thinks they deserve a tv in their room and whose parents don’t think they can walk 20 minutes. Many people regard that as very spoilt! Which is 100% the parents fault.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 00:54

@Skinthin tbh I agree with what @Codlingmoths has put tbh. Many times I said I was moving out as a child/teenager (hormones)

Can you imagine the type of things a teen will pull if they know they can say ah I don't like the rules at mums house so I'm gonna threaten to go live at dads because mum won't let have a tv in my room ? Where does it stop ? Does it ever stop ?

Op is treating her DSC much like she would her own Dc if they pulled this.

If my Dd pulled this crap I also would be using some of the words OPs using to describe the situation. That doesn't mean she dislikes them, it means she recognises a child is being given the power of a adult. But that would be allowed for me to say that because I'm her mum, and automatically it's ok for a mum to say that.

The paradox to all this is, frankly people get focused on op must hate her DSC when ultimately it's a red herring. It's always the parents who have enabled this way of thinking,behaviours and they are responsible .

Can't say I would be thrilled at my ex if he yes come to us no rules, tv in your room whatever you like sweetheart isn't mummy a mean mummy, I'm a "cool dad" 🙄

Because ultimately I am aware that my Dd will become a adult and it's one thing a teen having a strop and saying I'm moving home. It's quite another for the adults to jump and ask the teen how high.

Not all kids say and insist on moving house because they aren't allowed a tv in their room. A nuclear family would scoff at this.

I think it's the situation which OPs do has put her in she dislikes. Not the DSC.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 00:55

Dp* sorry bloody phone

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/05/2023 01:18

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 00:08

fair question. I think it was that at first I thought it was more about practicalities / logistics and the fact that OP is already doing more than her fair share . I totally understood her position of not wanting to take on more and feeling taken for granted.

The more she responded to pp’s , however, the more it seemed that she doesn’t really have much respect for her DSs - that she holds him a little in contempt and sees him as less worthy than her own DC 😔. Didn’t she call him “babyish” and “ spoiled” at one point. And then she writs stuff like this:

” it works for our children who get to spend time with their mother, it works for his mum. Why should everyone change about because he wants a TV”

just sounds really dismissive and belittling and like she doesn’t really value him as a member of the family on an equal footing with her DC,

Show quote history

She said that her DH and his ex baby both of the DSS…
There is no reason he can't, like the majority of his peers, walk to school. If his parents want to baby him and drive him to the gate from now until college they can do so themselves.

I don't not get on with the 12 year old. They are just a bit spoilt / babied for my liking (both of them although this thread is only talking about 12yo because he's the one wanting to stay here) with things like not having to do anything for themselves.

Those comments are aimed at her DH and his ex. Not the children.

There is zero belittling in them.

Murdoch1949 · 06/05/2023 05:47

Your SS is trying to dictate his terms. He wants his own room, he wants a TV in his room. He wants a lift to & from secondary school. He gets this if he lives with his dad and stepmum. If, if he moves in for more than 50% of the time then you need to negotiate with your husband and SS how things will be. You said that he's allowed to watch too much TV and said that it's not up to you to make such decisions, but actually it partly is. If he is living in your home then he abides by the rules you and your husband have established. I know your children are younger, but they will see stepbrother watching TV, gaming etc in his room for hours on end and this will become their expectation. Similarly with lifts to school, most secondary pupils cycle or walk to school, they're not Ubered there by parents. Decide what the deal breakers are for you before any decisions are made. It sounds as if this previous first born boy has been used to ruling the roost, his teenage years are gonna be fun.

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 06:27

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/05/2023 01:18

She said that her DH and his ex baby both of the DSS…
There is no reason he can't, like the majority of his peers, walk to school. If his parents want to baby him and drive him to the gate from now until college they can do so themselves.

I don't not get on with the 12 year old. They are just a bit spoilt / babied for my liking (both of them although this thread is only talking about 12yo because he's the one wanting to stay here) with things like not having to do anything for themselves.

Those comments are aimed at her DH and his ex. Not the children.

There is zero belittling in them.

Show quote history

disagree. I think it’s v belittling to say “they are both a bit spoiled / babied for my liking”. Yes you can say - oh I meant it’s the parents fault , but it’s still belittling / dehumanising/ objectifying of the DSC. If I read that about myself as a teen I’d def feel utterly shit about it.

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 06:32

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 00:54

@Skinthin tbh I agree with what @Codlingmoths has put tbh. Many times I said I was moving out as a child/teenager (hormones)

Can you imagine the type of things a teen will pull if they know they can say ah I don't like the rules at mums house so I'm gonna threaten to go live at dads because mum won't let have a tv in my room ? Where does it stop ? Does it ever stop ?

Op is treating her DSC much like she would her own Dc if they pulled this.

If my Dd pulled this crap I also would be using some of the words OPs using to describe the situation. That doesn't mean she dislikes them, it means she recognises a child is being given the power of a adult. But that would be allowed for me to say that because I'm her mum, and automatically it's ok for a mum to say that.

The paradox to all this is, frankly people get focused on op must hate her DSC when ultimately it's a red herring. It's always the parents who have enabled this way of thinking,behaviours and they are responsible .

Can't say I would be thrilled at my ex if he yes come to us no rules, tv in your room whatever you like sweetheart isn't mummy a mean mummy, I'm a "cool dad" 🙄

Because ultimately I am aware that my Dd will become a adult and it's one thing a teen having a strop and saying I'm moving home. It's quite another for the adults to jump and ask the teen how high.

Not all kids say and insist on moving house because they aren't allowed a tv in their room. A nuclear family would scoff at this.

I think it's the situation which OPs do has put her in she dislikes. Not the DSC.

Yeh fair enough if the only reason he wants to move is genuinely the tv. If it’s that though, I’d imagine he’d quickly change his mind ?
i think the reason I felt like she was dismissive and devaluing DSS was the emphasis on she placed on “what works” for “her children” and the complete dismissal of what her DSS might want/ feel/ need as totally trivial.
anyways, I have originally voted NBU

GretaGood · 06/05/2023 06:41

“they are both a bit spoiled / babied for my liking”. Yes you can say - oh I meant it’s the parents fault , but it’s still belittling / dehumanising/ objectifying of the DSC. If I read that about myself as a teen I’d def feel utterly shit about it.

Really - my Dteens needed reminded, cajoled, threatened, bribed to do stuff for themselves - they didn't want to do tedious stuff like changing the bedsheets, tidying, clearing - nobody wants to do tedious stuff like that. They'd have been happy to be called babies if it got them out of it!

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 06:43

GretaGood · 06/05/2023 06:41

“they are both a bit spoiled / babied for my liking”. Yes you can say - oh I meant it’s the parents fault , but it’s still belittling / dehumanising/ objectifying of the DSC. If I read that about myself as a teen I’d def feel utterly shit about it.

Really - my Dteens needed reminded, cajoled, threatened, bribed to do stuff for themselves - they didn't want to do tedious stuff like changing the bedsheets, tidying, clearing - nobody wants to do tedious stuff like that. They'd have been happy to be called babies if it got them out of it!

You think if your Dteens heard another member of the family say “they are both a bit spoiled / babied for my liking”, they wouldn’t feel put down/ demeaned?

GretaGood · 06/05/2023 07:02

Well it's being said by the person having to deal with it and pick up after them, pander to their demands.
That makes it forgivable.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 07:39

@Skinthin I think she's said that because she feels powerless over any changes that go on in their house, probably because dads said well you aren't his parent ect and then let's DSC get away with stuff that effects op and throws in that little nugget

As a mum you are not powerless to parent your children. As a step parent by definition you are powerless, and that's is made worse by a shit parent.

I think op was ranting. I'm sure I have had similar non positive thoughts about my own child and posted numerous times when stressed out. That doesn't mean I would say that to my Dd.

People need to vent and that's kinda what mn is for.

SheilaFentiman · 06/05/2023 07:40

And also, this isn’t a space that the children are in! I am frustrated with my own DS for not doing more revision, but I’m sweet and supportive and encouraging to his face about what he is managing to do. MN is a space for adults to talk about their families (amongst many other things) and venting a bit here is fine.

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 08:53

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 07:39

@Skinthin I think she's said that because she feels powerless over any changes that go on in their house, probably because dads said well you aren't his parent ect and then let's DSC get away with stuff that effects op and throws in that little nugget

As a mum you are not powerless to parent your children. As a step parent by definition you are powerless, and that's is made worse by a shit parent.

I think op was ranting. I'm sure I have had similar non positive thoughts about my own child and posted numerous times when stressed out. That doesn't mean I would say that to my Dd.

People need to vent and that's kinda what mn is for.

fair enough , I guess I just feel personally a bit triggered when I see step parents being a bit nasty/ dismissive of their SDCs. It also feels a lot less safe/ contained than when a parent rants/ complains about their kids as you know its unlikely to be underwritten by the same kind of love.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 09:29

@Skinthin the thing is I'm a mum but I'm also a sm. When I tell people in rl you can literally see them gear shift.

People naturally assume I have evil intent and start drilling me on details on my life with my DSC and ask questions like "how does DSC like having step siblings I would hate it" - when I have just spoken about taking my DSC riding ect.

I totally understand where your coming from but from the other side It's really boring people constantly being triggered by sometimes no reason or for any perceived negatively. But I treat the kids the same, and when this is seen, people have said "it's so nice you treat the kids equally not like most sm they know" sounding relived thankful I'm not suddenly some axe murder

I usually ask how many people actually know and they say that I'm the only one 🙄

We can acknowledge the bar is higher for mums than dads, but somehow our step in front of those and people imagine the evil step mother from a Disney tale.

Thing is I don't abusive people post on mn asking for advice (regularly or otherwise). Stressed out parents post on here for advice. Same for step.

Idk maybe it's different for me but I grew up in a blended family and most of not all the issues came from the adults having feelings about something they hadn't dealt with. Us kids were nonplused. As a adult I see how people where treated and it's really put me off certain family members for how they played into this evil step narrative.

Liorae · 06/05/2023 09:31

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 06:32

Yeh fair enough if the only reason he wants to move is genuinely the tv. If it’s that though, I’d imagine he’d quickly change his mind ?
i think the reason I felt like she was dismissive and devaluing DSS was the emphasis on she placed on “what works” for “her children” and the complete dismissal of what her DSS might want/ feel/ need as totally trivial.
anyways, I have originally voted NBU

Show quote history

Yes, that is why posters are suggesting to remove the television. That may quickly establish the boy's motivation.

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 09:57

Liorae · 06/05/2023 09:31

Yes, that is why posters are suggesting to remove the television. That may quickly establish the boy's motivation.

Show quote history

👍🏻

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/05/2023 09:59

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 06:27

disagree. I think it’s v belittling to say “they are both a bit spoiled / babied for my liking”. Yes you can say - oh I meant it’s the parents fault , but it’s still belittling / dehumanising/ objectifying of the DSC. If I read that about myself as a teen I’d def feel utterly shit about it.

Show quote history

It’s not belittling or dehumanising if it’s true.

And if she was going around saying it to her her DSC’s face you might have a bit of a point about the wording.

But in the context of how, when and where it was said I think it’s having a go for the sake of it to create an issue with that tbh.

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 10:00

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 09:29

@Skinthin the thing is I'm a mum but I'm also a sm. When I tell people in rl you can literally see them gear shift.

People naturally assume I have evil intent and start drilling me on details on my life with my DSC and ask questions like "how does DSC like having step siblings I would hate it" - when I have just spoken about taking my DSC riding ect.

I totally understand where your coming from but from the other side It's really boring people constantly being triggered by sometimes no reason or for any perceived negatively. But I treat the kids the same, and when this is seen, people have said "it's so nice you treat the kids equally not like most sm they know" sounding relived thankful I'm not suddenly some axe murder

I usually ask how many people actually know and they say that I'm the only one 🙄

We can acknowledge the bar is higher for mums than dads, but somehow our step in front of those and people imagine the evil step mother from a Disney tale.

Thing is I don't abusive people post on mn asking for advice (regularly or otherwise). Stressed out parents post on here for advice. Same for step.

Idk maybe it's different for me but I grew up in a blended family and most of not all the issues came from the adults having feelings about something they hadn't dealt with. Us kids were nonplused. As a adult I see how people where treated and it's really put me off certain family members for how they played into this evil step narrative.

God people are so rude!! Can’t believe they would ask you questions and say things like that.

my experiences from a child’s side unfortunately haven’t been so positive, but I think it’s the most wonderful thing in the world when blended families do make it work, esp for the kids ❤️

Skinthin · 06/05/2023 10:02

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/05/2023 09:59

It’s not belittling or dehumanising if it’s true.

And if she was going around saying it to her her DSC’s face you might have a bit of a point about the wording.

But in the context of how, when and where it was said I think it’s having a go for the sake of it to create an issue with that tbh.

Show quote history

Nah I’m not the type to have a go for the sake of it . I thought her comments were a bit nasty, but fair enough she was ranting x

PaigeMatthews · 06/05/2023 11:34

There are so many bloody stupid replies on this thread. Op, the problem is youve been doing everything, so it isnt anything for his father to think about. He thinks it will not impact him at all.

Anyway, I've told DH again that DSS can only move in when he makes himself more available to care for him, I've also said we need to have a sit down about the rest of the workload in terms of our DC and housework etc.
What was the outcome of this? With this level of a lack of parenting and housework from your dh, I honestly think extreme action is best. Do nothing. Let everything pile up. Get to the point it impacts him and every one else. Then rework the parenting and housework.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 13:12

@Skinthin I think most people would get their backs up if they thought of anyone saying less than positive things about their children. That's normal iimo my mum says my dd has been challenging or acting bratty or whatever my back gets up.

But it's rare type of person that would say this type of thing directly and repeatedly to anyones children. I'm sure there are evil sp in this world (as there sadly parents) that hate their dsc, I just don't think they congregate on mn asking for advice. Those people don't ask for advice they just do it.

If say there is a step parent who is evil like the fairytale. Why does someone who's biologically not linked to the children take more responsibility and heat than the man who is legally and morally responsible for his Dc and owns a pair legs.

I think it's bullshit that mums are held to a higher standard than dads and it's even more bullshit when you put "step" in front of those titles.

Blended families work if there's a strong division between houses and people taking responsibility and accountability as parents.

It's just my opinion but behind every stressed out sm ranting about her DSC is usually a dad who has not or is not parenting and taking lead with the DSC. These men don't have guns to their heads they could act but they don't and either blame mum or sm and worst still they get mum and sm set against each other !

Hahah sorry for the rant 💐 ahh honestly I mostly just smile nicely and inwards roll eyes.

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2023 13:25

Personally I wouldn't get my back up if someone said my child had been hard work. I'd be embarrassed and sorry for subjecting them to it.

I might get my back up if someone said they were spoilt, but imo this is why you generally don't say it to the child's parents. I would think nothing about someone describing a child that wasn't mine as spoilt to me, and I've done the same about other people's children. It's normal.