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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 04/05/2023 15:35

rowanoak · 03/05/2023 22:55

The child IS hers. It became hers when she married his father. You can't just marry the father of a child and not expect for his child to be fully part of your family. The child was there first! The child did not ask for his father to go marry another woman. The child deserves the full love and attention and support of his father. Anyone who marries his father and truly loves him would also love his son as her own. Also anyone who would marry a father and not count their son as her own is a horrible person. WTF?! What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

So she can say she's the child's mum then....after all he IS hers.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 04/05/2023 15:50

Dontcallmescarface · 04/05/2023 15:35

So she can say she's the child's mum then....after all he IS hers.

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I can imagine the AIBU already.

My child's step mother is calling herself mum and claiming my child IS hers.

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 04/05/2023 16:04

Fizzy196 · 04/05/2023 15:50

I can imagine the AIBU already.

My child's step mother is calling herself mum and claiming my child IS hers.

Show quote history

Yep the whole "you should treat them as your own" argument tends to ground to a halt when "you" mention that "you" would not accept "your" own child calling "you" by any other name than mum so all things being equal and fair the DSC should do the same. Likewise if any discipline shall be given as if the DSC was "yours". But apparently, that's "different" and they are only "yours" when it comes to "your" money and time.

Yousee · 04/05/2023 16:11

I've still never had an answer to the conundrum of why OP, as a full and equal parent to this child, should not be allowed to decline the kind offer of the other two parents to leave her with all the work?
Leave "step" aside and pretend for a second the child really did have three parents then attempt to justify why one has to do all the work and the other two get to do all the deciding.
It's impossible without a huge dollop of platinum grade cheekyfuckery.

Hadsuchahardday · 04/05/2023 16:35

Remove the TV from the bedroom then he might change his mind.

SheilaFentiman · 04/05/2023 16:37

“Leave "step" aside and pretend for a second the child really did have three parents then attempt to justify why one has to do all the work and the other two get to do all the deciding.”

Yep.

Harrypewter · 04/05/2023 16:41

I don't understand the need to remove the tv from the room.
Is this based on sound principles or a desire to have some control?
I'm not following why the need to impose and the purpose of some of these, 'Rules'.

I drop my children off at the school gates and sometimes even my exes' partners' children off if it makes it more sense. It's £40 per month bus fare for the eldest, plus they sit with the rabble of other children.

clpsmum · 04/05/2023 16:55

You go full time so your DH can go part time and then he can do the childcare, problem solved

TreacleMoon2 · 04/05/2023 17:01

clpsmum · 04/05/2023 16:55

You go full time so your DH can go part time and then he can do the childcare, problem solved

FFS! How many times...

The OP DH DOES NOT want to go part time.

The OP still works 4 days a week, and has the flexibility to do the school run as she works from home.

She is also looking after her own DC on day 5, hence saving nursery fees. She is not swanning around living the life of luxury while her DH slaves away morning til night.

By the looks of it she has at least 90% of the mental load.

She has not said no to DSS moving in, she has said no if her DH doesn't pull his thumb out of his butt and actually look after HIS OWN CHILD!!!!!

Gymnopedie · 04/05/2023 17:36

Wot @TreacleMoon2 wrote above^^.

PLUS the OP is very clear that the DH is married to his job and has absolutely no intention of going part time.

ImAvingOops · 04/05/2023 17:49

The OP doesn't really work part time either. She goes 4 days and on the fifth has the kids - that's pretty full time to me!

Even if she did work very part time, it wouldn't be her responsibility to earn all the money to support the whole family - she's got 2 kids and her husband has 4. He needs to be the one earning the money to pay his share for 4 kids, not the OP.
Now in the real world, people on equal relationships chip in and don't split their money into his and hers down to the penny. Why should she even contemplate working ft if she didn't want to, so there is enough money to support 2 kids who aren't hers. Not her circus!

jeaux90 · 04/05/2023 18:02

FGS they should have just said no to the child and continued with current arrangements. A 12 year old doesn't get to decide. Absolutely batshit.

OP stick to your guns. DH sorts school runs etc if this moves forward.

EasterBreak · 04/05/2023 18:12

Yanbu op. He has 2 parents and you are neither. I'd be mortified if my exs partner did more for my child than me and his dad. Failure much.

Hoppysue · 04/05/2023 18:12

I would buy him a tv as a present for use at his mums. I’d also give him and DH a list of weekly chores and I would refuse to do a school run. His mum could do all school drop offs and pick ups

SheilaFentiman · 04/05/2023 18:32

Hoppysue · 04/05/2023 18:12

I would buy him a tv as a present for use at his mums. I’d also give him and DH a list of weekly chores and I would refuse to do a school run. His mum could do all school drop offs and pick ups

The mum is not the issue here. She is perfectly entitled to set her house rule as no TV in a (shared) bedroom,

SheilaFentiman · 04/05/2023 18:34

“I don't understand the need to remove the tv from the room.”

To see if that is what is driving DSS to want to change a 50/50 arrangement that is otherwise working ok.

Dontcallmescarface · 04/05/2023 18:46

I would buy him a tv as a present for use at his mums.

Even if his mum has said that he can't have one? Why would you want to deliberately undermine her?

Winnipeg23 · 04/05/2023 19:23

Yousee · 04/05/2023 13:51

Calm down dear, I was only trying to help as you seem so confused.
I hope you feel better soon 💐

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Best response of the whole thread. Gutting myself 🤣

GretaGood · 04/05/2023 19:30

Dontcallmescarface · 04/05/2023 18:46

I would buy him a tv as a present for use at his mums.

Even if his mum has said that he can't have one? Why would you want to deliberately undermine her?

Because if it were me I wouldn't want my 12 year old son living away from me so I would bend my rules.

whumpthereitis · 04/05/2023 19:40

clpsmum · 04/05/2023 16:55

You go full time so your DH can go part time and then he can do the childcare, problem solved

Why would she do that? Even if the DH was inclined to go part time, which he isn’t, it’s up to him to bear the burden of facilitating this. He doesn’t get to put onus on OP to change her working hours, any more than he gets to land her with the childcare.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 19:44

clpsmum · 04/05/2023 16:55

You go full time so your DH can go part time and then he can do the childcare, problem solved

Maybe OP and her DC enjoy their day together though. God forbid.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 19:45

Because if it were me I wouldn't want my 12 year old son living away from me so I would bend my rules.

I do get that but it wouldn't be an issue if OPs husband was a decent dad and told him that not having one was not a good enough reason to stop living with his mum.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/05/2023 20:35

GretaGood · 04/05/2023 19:30

Because if it were me I wouldn't want my 12 year old son living away from me so I would bend my rules.

Show quote history

It would be totally out of order for the OP or her DH to undermine the Mum like that.

Shes chosen this as a hill to die on for a reason - probably (imo) because she knows if it’s not this that her ex undermines her on then it’ll be something else as from the OPs posts the DH doesn’t enforce many rules.

I had to stand steadfast a few times when my older girls were teens as their father occasionally pulled stunts like this. Promising them no rules, late curfews and anything to entice them to move in to cut his maintenance. Inevitably it lasted less than a week because the grass very much wasn’t greener after all.

Liorae · 04/05/2023 20:46

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 19:45

Because if it were me I wouldn't want my 12 year old son living away from me so I would bend my rules.

I do get that but it wouldn't be an issue if OPs husband was a decent dad and told him that not having one was not a good enough reason to stop living with his mum.

Does that mean the mum is also not a decent mom for not telling her son the same thing?

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 21:23

Does that mean the mum is also not a decent mom for not telling her son the same thing?

Depends what her stance on it is really - she may not be happy for him to move but can't stop him if dad is willing to facilitate it.