To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Or she may be delighted to get him off her hands.

Or she may be delighted to get him off her hands.

Yes, or that.

the impression I have is that DSS is planning on spending more time at his dad’s, not 100% of his time.

Oh for the love that's holy.

Op your ok to say you don't volunteer without discussion me for for the parental drudge work and actually that won't work for me.

You can say DP if you want to amend your working hours to accommodate this move I support it. But I won't be doing extra so DSC can have a tv in his room and be waited on hand and foot (by me)

Women already carry the a vast majority of mental load for their children. If DP wants to enable this, then he can do the work to enable it. Remember he's not your boss.

Not as far as I've noticed, and I've read a lot of stepparenting threads. From what I can tell the general trend is to absolve the ex of all blame and heap it on to the stepparent instead.

I find it tends to be split. Either the step-mum or the mum.

Never dad though. That tends to be universal - it’s always one of the women to blame

What !! a 12 year old can dictate where he lives without any consideration or regard for the rest of both families.

Ridiculous

Anyone (any woman) gets the blame but not dear old Dad. Men have trained us well, haven't they?

Oh yes, right along with the "She is trying to parent my child! Giving them chores, making them behave and listen to her. It's not her right! It's not her child!"

And then a shit-ton of posts backing her up. LOL!

Couldn’t believe the suggestion that mum does the school run for DSS even if he moves out. Heaven forbid Dad should do anything!

Yes, because working ONE more day a week will change the way things are run in her DH's world. She ALREADY said, multiple times in fact, that DH will NOT do that. Maybe the EX can get off her hind-end and fetch her DS to and from school, since she has to take the other son to the same school.

FFS--try reading the thread and come up with something original.

Not as far as I've noticed, and I've read a lot of stepparenting threads. From what I can tell the general trend is to absolve the ex of all blame and heap it on to the stepparent instead.

Stepmother usually.

I was ready to say YABU till I read how little DH does for him. I’d be fine with him spending more time at yours if your DH actually pulled his weight but sounds like he sits back and let’s you do all of the parenting which isn’t fair.

So where do you draw the line ?

"If you don't buy me a pair of £200 trainers I'm going to live with my dad!"

His younger sibling learns that they can just up and leave as well if mum doesn't also give in to him?

He is a 12 year old boy - he lives where he is told to live.

Also the parents should be showing a united front - but seems the DM isn't bothered where he lives. And the DF is a walk over.

That’s not how the courts see it.

But the court don't control where the tvs are kept and who drives him to school each day.
The parents need to get a grip.

If this went to court, the decision would be based on what the child wanted. 🤷‍♀️

Dear ol Dad doesn't want to be slightly inconvenienced with his own DC ever. He's made that crystal clear to OP.

Yes, assuming both parties wanted full time care of the child.

Do the courts not look at whether the parent the child has chosen to live with, is capable of actually doing the looking after? Getting them to school etc

I wrote that I thought that was a solution, only because the mum would still be taking her other son to the same school, so swinging by and picking up her younger son would at least help OP. But, you are correct. Their father could also be the one taking both boys to school, swinging by to pick up the non-resident son.

Yes they do.

And there’s not a chance any court would say a step-parent was obliged to do the school run and the likes.

Aww I see @Lifeforluving211 Mum finally realised their child was on their account…. 🤣

No but you should be expected to treat them completely equally to other children in the family, as they are all children in the family and they are all , objectively , of equal worth (even if not in your mind). I was with you in your original OP, but from your updates you sound absolutely horrible. I would never subject my children to a step parent like you. DSS much better staying with his mum.