To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

[ChampionWorrier21]

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

My ExH was like this.
Mind you he was another level.
Talked non stop and always about himself. Turned out he was a narcissist. I’d never heard of the word until a counsellor mentioned it.

How sure are you that you don't sometimes bore people?

What did he get out of it? We'll never know for sure, but quite possibly a good feeling from using his knowledge to enlighten you about a situation he perceived you as knowing very little about. He probably felt you benefited from the information.

i haven’t read the full thread , but my mother was like this when she was on the local council. She bored a couple senseless on holiday , talking about recycling schemes!

@Doormatnomore I'd have given you a round of applause for that - job bores are awful company.

OP mine does work in a (to outsiders) "dull" sounding job but he knows this so generally when someone says what do you do, he says "I work in xxxx I know it's a total conversation killer so please tell me you do something more exciting ..." and leads the conversation off in another direction about them.

Oh bless. Yeh this sounds awkward. He sounds like my dad. Think it's a man thing and something that gets worse with age. No advice but I completely get your predicament

I am typically quiet and introverted, and am very curious about lots of things. @Pluvia experience made me chuckle, because I for instance would have been quite fascinated about how the ignition in a car works for instance - lol, maybe not the stranger standing too close. My DH is an extrovert and loves to talk, he is quite knowledgeable about a wide range of subjects, you mention it and he knows about it and can talk about it in detail. He is just like Bradley Cooper's character in Limitless after he has taken the drug NZT. When we are in group settings together, I'll often not say much whilst he does all the talking, I do contribute but I am quite happy to sit and listen. My little introverted self, is so happy someone else is speaking. So for those of you who ramble on about stuff, maybe you just need to find the introverts.

I have taken on board those comments from posters about carrying the conversations and how that is hard work.

What an interesting thread!

Are you my sister by any chance 🤣🤣🤣??

My DH's aunt does this and my god it is excruciating, I can't imagine how much worse it is of that person is your partner! It is hard because she's a lovely person but she just goes on and on and on and then on and on and on some more. I was visiting my parents (without DH) and she came over for dinner and I was so embarrassed. In the end I had to forcefully talk over her and change the conversation otherwise she would have never shut up about her will of all things!!

Same reason so many people talk at each other rather than actively listening. We’ve lost a lot of social skills . No idea why .

And that's the gulf, isn't it? He walks away feeling good and I feel as if I've been ... well, assaulted comes to mind. And when it's a man talking down at a woman it makes it even worse.

Did the previous poster (sorry, can't find it right now) who had found a way of politely communicating that someone was out of order and needed to stop ever reveal the magic formula?

Really?

There's no proof at all that OP's husband is autistic rather than just a boring self absorbed dullard. People will always ask "could they be on the spectrum?" about any behaviour trait on MN.

Indeed 😉

Some posters are going on about the wonders of communication, delivering sharp witty content, active listening and taking an interest in others but don't realise that's their personal preference not everyone's idea of a good time.

Extensive, deep, meaningful chats can be utterly boring and those you consider themselves excellent conversationalist are often utterly dull, they just don't realise it.

I am NT but have ND friends and colleagues. Often these are unconventional individuals who see the world differently. I tend to find this more interesting even if they might talk at length about something or don't always pay perfect attention to what I say. They are often a lot less judgmental than NT people especially those who think they're great conversationalists but don't realise they bore others with their profound forced 'connections'.

@TooMuchKibble and @BadNomad I have this theory that these self righteous proclaimers of NT conversational etiquette are those who are admittedly very good at masking but haven’t become aware of their own ND yet.

The reason I'm fairly confident that I don't bore people is that I don't do a lot of talking in a group conversation. I tend to set a ball rolling and if people want to pick it up they do. I work quite hard to bite my tongue when I feel the 'Oh, something similar happened to me, let me tell you about it' urge rises.

The rise of the Internet, I think, exacerbated by lockdown.

Plus, being antisocial and disliking people in a general sense is often seen as desirable and superior these days.

Why are you assuming I'm NT?

Or rather, that I'm ND and don't know it?

I do this. I’m not autistic. I know why I do it - it’s part learned behaviour, part coping strategy and part anxiety in social situations all rooted in a traumatic childhood.

I work really hard to not do it, but then I tend to swing too far the other way and people say I’m ‘cold’ or unfriendly, so I can’t win.

When I realise I’ve done it (again!) I hate myself and vow to never open my stupid mouth again because why would anyone want to hear anything I have to say.

Some of the responses on this thread would certainly back up that assumption that actually no, no one does want to hear from me and I should just not speak in future - because if I do I’m almost certainly being a bore or selfishly talking up other peoples time.

I can so relate with responding with similar anecdotes about yourself. It just makes sense that that's how you would respond and it confuses me that some people find it rude or weird. If I don't respond with a similar story, it just becomes "Wow, that sounds lovely" "Yes, it was great" "Nice" and I find that very awkward and it will just trail off in to a silence once you run out of questions to ask. Whereas "wow that sounds lovely", "yes it was great" "I went on a similar boat trip a few years ago, blah blah" leads to further conversation about that topic. I end up doing it with bad situations to, like if something bad has happened to a friend I tell them about when something similarly bad happened to me because I want them to see that I truly do get it, I'm not just sympathising with then without any idea what it feels like

But then, I like it when people respond to my stories with their own similar stories too, it makes me feel more connected with them and like we have some mutual understandings/experiences etc

People do not like being talked at endlessly about stuff that doesn't interest them, without any sense that they are being heard or actually interacted with. You can certainly share your own relevant stories too, but there are ways of doing this that are better received than others.I get that if you're autistic then you'll struggle with this - that's the nature of autism and why it creates challenges. Which is why I think that if you are autistic, it might help to let people know so they can contextualise it and, hopefully, be more understanding about where you're coming from. Although I can certainly see why a person might not want to and of course nobody has to. It's not restricted to autistic people anyway, nor is it something all autistic people do.It's a shame that so many people take offence at this concept and find it somehow dictatorial, but it's not hard to see why people don't react well to someone who appears to be permanently on "transmit" and never switches to "receive".

Yes exactly, this to me is normal conversation and is what I 'expect' others to do! Surely that is how you find common interests.
If I am speaking about something and people are just 'mmmhmmm' 'oh very nice' I assume they find it boring and I will stop.

I've always seen responding with your own stories as ok as long as it's done in a responsive way. Sharing experiences over a central subject is normal to me as long as one person doesn't hijack.

It's the being talked at that's difficult regardless of the subject. If anything I think it's more annoying when it's an interesting subject, something you'd actually like to talk about comes up, you think "great a chance to discuss X at last" but you try to respond and join in and no, you just get talked over as it's a monologue.

Hi OP, luckily my OH does not suffer from this affliction but a few people I know do - two of them are women so really this is a gender-blind problem, more to do with social skills and ego issues than anything else.

I can see the direct approach is not working.

Here's a less direct approach - still not terribly subtle, but it may just get past his radar:

Try talking to him about how other people conduct themselves in conversation. As a sort of post-mortem after an evening out. Say something like "Andy's great to talk to - so interested in others, have you noticed the number of questions he was asking?" or "gosh that David could do with keeping to the salient facts when talking about himself..." "Carolyn keeps interrupting others before they've finished what were shaping up to be interesting stories... have you noticed how she's always done one better than everyone else, and on a bigger horse too?"

The same can be done while watching TV - point out the good, the bad and the ugly of a soap character's conversational approach, or analyse how a televised debate is going.

The sad truth is most reasonable people avoid people like your OH once they've cottoned on that they're not going to get a word in edgeways, and will have to listed to all their boring show-off anecdotes.