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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

282 replies

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:21

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 02/05/2023 13:41

listen

apric0t · 02/05/2023 13:44

I have a friend who always tries to shutdown what her husband is talking about because she's insinuating he's being boring, when actually I think he's really interesting and could listen to him all day, she constantly does it, just another perspective!

Avocadoandcheese · 02/05/2023 13:49

SnacksToTheMax · 02/05/2023 11:35

I’m autistic. I worry so much about accidentally boring others that I clam up instead and everyone’s thinks I’m awkward and standoffish. I fucking hate threads like this because it’s crystal clear that a lot of the “god this person I met was awful” anecdotes being shared relate to my fellow ND people, diagnosed or otherwise. All just a nice reminder of how negatively others view us and blame us for brain wiring that was not a choice. Brilliant.

Same 💐

2bazookas · 02/05/2023 14:24

Mine does the same thing. Virgo precision. Someone casually greets him "Oh, hi how are you" and he gives them a detailed update on his latest medical test results, athletic performance records and hobbies.

I have just given up trying to persuade him people don't GAF. I've realised the Other Parties are perfectly able to take responsibility for what questions they ask him... or accept the consequences.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 02/05/2023 14:25

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/05/2023 08:04

That sounds like he is trying to relate. It's something quite a few people with adhd and also those on the spectrum tend to do (ime).

It can seem rude (trying to one up etc) but isn't usually meant to be.

There's actually a term for it. I can't find it in my brain right now. The best I can come up with is "related empathy" but it is a thing (whatever it's called) folks on the spectrum do.

Pluvia · 02/05/2023 14:27

Sorry, I should have been clearer. Sometimes talking to people I find myself irritated when they hijack everything I say with a tale about themselves in a similar situation. Because I find being constantly trumped or hijacked irritating I try to not do it myself. I do sometimes, if it's appropriate, talk about myself but not, I hope in that 'it's all about me' way some people go about things.

Conversation is like a game. If you encounter someone who plays well, passes the ball creatively and abides by the rules, it can be a life-affirming experience. If you encounter someone who doesn't know how to play and you end up having a man lecturing you on the inner workings of the combustion engine it can feel pretty awful.

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 15:28

Does every single post (apart from dog ones) have to be about autism? Can't we just occasionally share stories and experiences without the endless whatif and butiams

Eweanlamb · 02/05/2023 15:34

Obels · 02/05/2023 12:45

I can so relate with responding with similar anecdotes about yourself. It just makes sense that that's how you would respond and it confuses me that some people find it rude or weird. If I don't respond with a similar story, it just becomes "Wow, that sounds lovely" "Yes, it was great" "Nice" and I find that very awkward and it will just trail off in to a silence once you run out of questions to ask. Whereas "wow that sounds lovely", "yes it was great" "I went on a similar boat trip a few years ago, blah blah" leads to further conversation about that topic. I end up doing it with bad situations to, like if something bad has happened to a friend I tell them about when something similarly bad happened to me because I want them to see that I truly do get it, I'm not just sympathising with then without any idea what it feels like

This, with bells on.

Why is it such an issue for so many people? Like you say, if you don’t talk about your own experiences with the same things etc or say anything remotely relatable, all you can really respond with is ‘oh, that sounds lovely.’ What a dull conversation.

QueefQueen80s · 02/05/2023 15:52

Of course we should relate experiences, there's a difference between that and droning on for ages.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 02/05/2023 16:00

Eweanlamb · 02/05/2023 15:34

This, with bells on.

Why is it such an issue for so many people? Like you say, if you don’t talk about your own experiences with the same things etc or say anything remotely relatable, all you can really respond with is ‘oh, that sounds lovely.’ What a dull conversation.

Of course you can share your own anecdotes too. It's a question of how long you spend telling them and how you relate them to the person with whom you're trying to connect.

"I went to Italy last year, it was so beautiful."

"Oh, how lovely. I have family in Rome so I visit quite a lot, I really love that city. Whereabouts did you go?"

vs

"I went to Italy last year, it was so beautiful."

"Oh, I go there all the time. I've got family in Rome. I always go to the Colosseum, then the Vatican. I really like the Trevi Fountain too. I always have lots of pizza and gelato, I love it. We usually stay with my family but one time we stayed at this hotel but I didn't like it very much, it wasn't very clean and the beds were hard. The Pantheon is my favourite site there. It was built for Roman gods but now it's a Roman Catholic church. It has 16 columns and it's known as a feat of engineering because...."

SnacksToTheMax · 02/05/2023 16:21

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 15:28

Does every single post (apart from dog ones) have to be about autism? Can't we just occasionally share stories and experiences without the endless whatif and butiams

You share a world with a lot of autistic people. When a post publicly slates behaviours that have an extremely high correlation with autism, is it any wonder we have something to say about it? Or should we just keep quiet so everyone else can complain about us (or “share stories and experiences” if you prefer…) in peace?

Maybe the OPs husband is just a common-or-garden boring bloke. Who knows. Regardless, a whole bunch of the other anecdotes shared in solidarity quite clearly refer to people who are autistic. It only “has to be about autism” because it so often is.

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 16:29

I haven't lived in the UK for a while, it isn't something that is included in every single ever conversation in any of thr countries I have lived in. People seem to manage to have c9nversations without needing to wear a lanyard. I know that sounds mean but it is so bloody indulgent.

Avocadoandcheese · 02/05/2023 16:41

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 16:29

I haven't lived in the UK for a while, it isn't something that is included in every single ever conversation in any of thr countries I have lived in. People seem to manage to have c9nversations without needing to wear a lanyard. I know that sounds mean but it is so bloody indulgent.

It does sound mean. Completely agreed with the sentiment of not all post having to be about autism, but this is tone deaf.

SnacksToTheMax · 02/05/2023 16:43

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 16:29

I haven't lived in the UK for a while, it isn't something that is included in every single ever conversation in any of thr countries I have lived in. People seem to manage to have c9nversations without needing to wear a lanyard. I know that sounds mean but it is so bloody indulgent.

It ideas sound mean - also patronising, and missing the point. Just because you live somewhere where awareness is low doesn’t change reality: Autistic people exist everywhere. We often communicate in atypical ways - and receive a lifetime of heavy criticism as a result. It’ll be much worse for people living where you live - you just won’t know about it.

For the record, I’ve never worn a lanyard in my life. I don’t ask for accommodations in any area, ever, mostly because I know there’s a whole world out there ready to respond the way you have.

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 16:44

It's my experience of not living in a particular place which is very, very different to the UK. I'm not deaf, I'm just not hearing the same tune.

SnacksToTheMax · 02/05/2023 16:44

Annoying autocorrect! Should have said “does” - not “ideas”

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 16:48

Maybe it isn't about awareness but about having decent structures both in families and in healthcare and society? Maybe the UK isn't that wonderful, empowering, tolerant place you think? Maybe elsewhere it's just easier to be just a person rather than a label because you don't have to fight for financial support and acceptance?

mewkins · 02/05/2023 16:51

MysteryBelle · 01/05/2023 23:57

Look at the bright side. No awkward silences at parties with people who are too shy to speak 😂

I'm kind of the opposite and give very little away unless someone specifically asks. It means I can go for years without someone knowing about my (quite interesting!) job. There must be a middle ground - people who put their point across and then shut up and listen 😁

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 16:54

Maybe the UK isn't that wonderful, empowering, tolerant place you think?

Eh? No one thinks it is. Quite the opposite.

SnacksToTheMax · 02/05/2023 17:00

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 16:48

Maybe it isn't about awareness but about having decent structures both in families and in healthcare and society? Maybe the UK isn't that wonderful, empowering, tolerant place you think? Maybe elsewhere it's just easier to be just a person rather than a label because you don't have to fight for financial support and acceptance?

No idea who you’re arguing with here.

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 17:02

You! Patronising guff dismissing my experience by saying awareness is low where I live as if you are living under such a sophisticated set of societal values, a place where you can't even see a GP!

TeaIsRisen · 02/05/2023 17:13

I'm autistic, my partner is autistic, and I work for a disabled company so work with autistic people every day. None of us would do this. Even my dad who was a very classic case of undiagnosed autism and did tons of stuff that NT society considers rude, didn't do that. If anything, many autistic people are aware that we're living in an NT world and are very careful to monitor our own behaviour in order to fit in. (Especially ND women, who have a far higher tendency to mask). The post above about being s anxious about being seen as babbling on that you shut up and wind up being perceived as stand-offish, I identify with that very much!

I also know people who are very definitely NT who do this, because they're just entitled and think being a bloke means they have a right to dominate every conversation.

There's a big difference between a stereotypical autistic hyperfocusing on a specific obsession and sharing info about that thing, (or doing the "sharing empathy" thing mentioned above), and monologuing on about your own life because it never occurs to you that other people might want to speak, and you take no interest in what others have to say. I once spent half an hour at a party going through every single one of the Plantagenet rulers and how they lived and died, which is a super aspie trait, but I made sure I wasn't boring anyone and not trapping anyone in the lecture who didn't genuinely want to be in the audience. I mean it came up in the conversation related to my work and I framed it as "okay I'm going to do my Ted Talk so sit down, anyone who wants to listen to that" rather than just launching into it. So people had the ability to opt-out. And I kept checking that people wanted me to keep going. That's the difference.

In my experience, it's older men who do the latter, and they do it largely because they're twats who have been raised to believe the world revolves around them.

As an Actually Autistic person I find this thread very ableist, but not the OP or others saying the behaviour is rude/annoying. I find all the posts acting like autistic people have no control over their behaviour, and that anyone who has a problem with it is just a typical Evil NT and they need to put their own needs aside, those are the posts I find ableist.

One thing I've noticed in Extremely Online spaces (and not in real life, or rl disability activism circles) is the phenomena of Terminal Uniqueness. There's a lot of people online who basically take the attitude of I Am Special Because I Am X, ergo everyone else needs to bend over backwards and mould themselves and their behaviour to me and only me, or they're a bigoted anti-X. Without taking into consideration that tons and tons of people are also X, that the person they're offended by, might easily also be X. There's a real trend on certain social media sites for people to act like they're the only autistic person on the planet and anyone who doesn't treat them in the exact way they want to be treated is a mean evil neurotypical. When the other person (bearing in mind this refers to interactions within these specific social media communities) is most likely also autistic. I think there's something about the Internet and people who socialise near-exclusively online that reduces the ability to see conversation as more than speaking at each other.

We are all individuals. Autism is not a hive mind. Yes there are typical autistic traits, but autistic people still have personalities in addition to being autistic; being autistic is not a person's whole entire personality. There are autistic people who are lovely, autistic people who are shy, autistic people who are extroverted and brash, autistic people who are arseholes, autistic people who put a high priority on caring for others and being empathetic, and autistic people who couldn't give a shit. Just like non-autistic people.

SnacksToTheMax · 02/05/2023 17:15

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 17:02

You! Patronising guff dismissing my experience by saying awareness is low where I live as if you are living under such a sophisticated set of societal values, a place where you can't even see a GP!

…and where exactly did I say the U.K. was a tolerant, empowering place? Do you think I’d be here trying to advocate for fellow ND people if it was??

I get the sense you’re just here to stir the pot, so if you don’t mind, I’ll disengage now.

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 17:19

Me too, I'm not actually trying to do that but am allowed an opinion. But I respectfully agree to disagree with one another and move along. Have a good rest of day. 🎩