To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

[ChampionWorrier21]

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

It's nice that you find it restful when someone goes on and on about inane subjects - however it makes me feel as though I'm screaming inside my head at the boredom and banality of it.

I paste a smile on and nod along as I'm a people pleaser, but if I fidgeted slightly, it's not rude, it's an attempt to restrain myself from yelling at them.

As you might be able to tell, my DH is heading that way...

I'm afraid it goes against the nature of these communication structures and that's why people do not respond well to it. It may not be your intention, but it makes people feel ignored and as if they do not matter to you.

If you explain that you're autistic then I'm sure people will mostly be understanding about it and realise it isn't your fault or your intention. But yes, holding the floor for ages without seeing that you're boring people, denying them their own chance to be heard and not appearing to absorb or care about anything they're saying when you do let them speak is not good communication, even if it isn't your fault.

I'm pretty sure you'd notice if someone did it to you.

At any rate, these people often aren't autistic.

I see someone mentioned info dumping which this sounds like. Or could be just social awkwardness. I do this and when I heard the term info dump it resonated.

I do this boring monologue sometimes because I’m not good socially. I feel if I say nothing I’m being boring. So I talk but then that can be boring too (as with OP’s DH). If I ask the other person questions I can be made to feel I’m being nosey. You can’t win. This is why alcohol was invented I guess.

Info dumping can be worse when you’ve retreated socially did a while and have all this conversation built up that has to come out like a sneeze. Now that I know the term I’m more aware of what I’m doing.

I don’t think I’m ND though, just not great socially unless I know the person very well.

I’d advise being blunt with your DH in private.

I don't think it's restful either. Deep, rich, enagaging conversation is one of the great joys in life imo so it's really massively frustrating when someone dominates/monologues in this way, thus preventing real conversation from developing. It means the other people present are unable to connect with eachother in any meaningful way.

I don't find it restful either. It's actually quite stressful, like any noise that goes on and on without stopping. When it happens, I often find myself zoning out even though I try not to. Then I get a shock because they've actually paused to give me a chance to react to what they've just said and I have no idea what emotion I'm supposed to be showing.

Isn't it interesting how many NT people are not open minded and flexible enough to accept different communication styles? they tend to get very self righteous and prescriptive about how people should communicate. They seem very sensitive to not being listened or responded to.

My DH suffers with this too. I suspect he has undiagnosed ADHD as I am seeing very similar traits in him as a child we know who is undergoing diagnosis for it at the minute.

With my DH it's the half involvement in a conversation, then butting in with a totally unrelated topic that really, really annoys me! But he honestly has no idea he's doing it.

I've also brought it up and he used to get a bit defensive, but more recently he's started realising I maybe have a point.

It is very amusing though when he gets together with a friend of his who's exactly the same. They're both talking, supposedly with each other, but more often than not they're each talking about entirely different things. The first time I saw it I sat there thinking "WTF??", but now I just sit there watching along in amusement. How the hell do neither of them realise the other isn't listening to them??

I think sometimes this happens when someone is a bit uncomfortable in social situations. They are almost relieved when someone asks what they do for a living because they have a prepared contribution to the conversation. I know I am inclined to repeat the same phrases to different people because they seemed to 'work' the first time. DS2 is 10 and doesn't mince his words. He likes to point out to me that I say the same things over and over. He's in hospital at the moment and he hears me saying certain things in my attempts to be conversational with each new nurse who introduces themselves. I'm aware that I do it. Sometimes I don't remember if a particular person has been 'treated' to my repertoire and I'll trot it out again just in case. It really is just social awkwardness and ineptitude. Certain topics help me navigate it all. I am capable of general chit chat, but then I spend hours mulling over what I said and thinking I sounded like an idiot!

My DH can be like this to some extent. I have come to realise over the years that, because he has other lovely qualities, people who know him know this so they don't really judge him for his waffling.

One of DHs things in conversation is trying to 'solve' things for people. So if his DB says 'traffic was a nightmare getting to Mum's' DH will suggest other routes, where the worst bits are, how to avoid them. He struggles to understand that sometimes chit chat is just that and people aren't asking for help.

He has quite bad self confidence issues and all of this is masking for him. He wants to appear confident and knowledgeable.

I have ASD and 100% do this. As does my also autistic mum. My DH and other people elatives have various jokey techniques to move the conversation on. Because I'm aware I do it, but not always aware when I'm doing it, I find a bit of good natured ribbing eases the tension and stops me from boring the socks off everyone else.

Yeah he's un diagnosed.. waves in ND

Oh Fgs🙄 I have a friend who is a chartered accountant and takes great pleasure in letting you know this. Her ability to draw almost anything back to her being a CA is unbelievable. We all just roll eyes at her.

Agree that it's not at all restful to have a monologue sprung on you. That's what podcasts are for.

Just the title made me laugh out loud!! I could apply this to SO many men I know, or have met. Luckily not my own DH though.

We had a male friend staying at the weekend. He's very well read and left wing, and three times during the evening he responded to something I said with "there's an alternative left-wing version of that written in xxx, and proceeded to talk at length about it.

The thing I’ve noticed with inveterate bores, is that they have no self awareness - otherwise they would realise they’re boring everyone. They also don’t pick up on social cues such as glazed expressions, fidgeting and wandering gazes.

I’d have zero compunction in telling him straight. And, if he’s on the spectrum, it’s doing him a favour to not mince your words.

That's rather ironic...

I know quite a few people like this (not DH). The way I cope is to pretend I’m still a Samaritan - we were trained simply to listen and not intrude anything of ourselves. So I listen and dont get frustrated that at the end of the encounter I know far more about them than they do about me.

You put this perfectly, exactly my approach too, and active listening is a skill which is developed and it’s certainly not relaxing when someone includes every single minuscule detail and talks at length

Isn't it just.

My OH (ND) is luckily great at conversations in public. Problem is, he saves his boring subjects for me and MIL, where we cannot interrupt, move or glance away for even a second 😂

My dad is like this. It feels rude as he only seems interested in himself. As we have got older, a lot of male friends have become more like this. It’s as dull as hell.

You are agreeing with me.

Maybe he can?

I panic in uncomfortable situations and try to 'talk my way out of it', I'm completely aware I need to shut up but can't. Its a form of anxiety fueled panic attack that builds getting worse and worse. The more I talk to fill the silent gaps the more quiet other get and the more anxious I get, then the more anxious I get the more I talk to fill the silent gaps. Its like a blur afterwards and bloody exhausting.

Attitudes like how you (who is suppose to be his partner and supporter) are talking about him are exactly why so many people have these anxiety issues to begin with.

I mean if you can trust your wife to not be your bully who calls you 'boring', 'an embarrassment' and verbally 'warns' you in front of everyone how to act then who can you turn too.

I mean if some guy was sat their telling his wife she could only keep her answers to under 2 minutes and then trying to cut her off everyone would be 'shuffling in their seats' but not at her story but at his inappropriate controllingness and talking on forums about the toxic red flag.

• can't

I think it also depends what kind of person is doing this. The two worst offenders are my dad who is a very selfish and self-pitying person, and a friend’s husband who is extremely arrogant. The droning on about their own stuff just fits the overall picture. No ND or other social awkwardness in sight.