To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

[ChampionWorrier21]

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

100% this 👏👏

absolutely bang on.

This thread shows exactly the attitude and prejudice we face every day.

It certainly is. What is the point of social conversation at a gathering if not to listen and respond to the person you're in conversation with and get to know them? I'm genuinely interested. I was once cornered in a hallway at a party by a man who, when I said I'd had to get a taxi to the party because my car would't start, stood far too close to me for comfort and explained in excruciating detail about the ignition system in my car, including the gas analysis at the point of combustion. He didn't make eye contact and it was as if I wasn't there. It began to feel more and more alarming. Eventually when he finished I managed to escape.

What did he get out of it? Because it was all about him.

I think this is only going to work if he is open to it. My father is very very similar to OP partner……. And after years of slow realisation that I’m on the spectrum, it’s recently dawned on me that my dad likely is too. Socially He’s very fidgety and gesticulates a lot, and will dominate the conversation . It’s really uncomfortable .0. My mum tried to arrange a code because she would notice people hiding reactions but he gets uptight about it and a bit huffy. It’s so awkward for everybody!

I am like this.

I hate myself.

Hmmm not sure about this - when I ask what someone does for a Job I do want to know the details! So when someone asks about my job I will also tell them the details, as in return I would want to know.

I do generally struggle with conversation though, I am always thinking of relatable anecdotes etc but I know that it isn't the done thing to relate to people with your own anecdotes so am always squashing down what I want to say and trying to remember the 'correct' ways to respond. It's exhausting! Perhaps he struggles with this a bit also? I think the socially acceptable conversation rules are just not natural to some people.

Based on a few things you've said he sounds like he has autism -

• monologuing rather than having a conversation
• not really asking questions - this is usually because they will assume if you want to tell them something you'll just say it
• not picking up on social cues for reactions to the conversation
• responding with anecdotes - this is to show you he can relate, it's a way of empathising

May be worth doing some research, he might not find a diagnosis necessary but there might be some help with understanding social cues and managing conversations.

I'd love to know what these people's CVs look like. Are they able to condense when it might make the difference in getting a job interview or not, or do they send in a paperback novel when a sheet or two of A4 would have been plenty?

I have a friend like this. She lives on her own and is clearly very lonely, but she only exacerbates the problem because people know that she will monologue on at them about the most pointless irrelevant detail and so avoid her. Because they can't spare/bear the three tedious hours that she will take, they don't dare to offer her the 20 minutes of time and mental energy that they could spare in the first place.

I sometimes think that it would be refreshing if, as adults, we could be as honest as toddlers are and just fall asleep or start crying, screaming or playing up in response to extreme boredom. The problem is, though, that the only people who would readily pick up on these cues are the ones who don't blether on obliviously in the first place.

Don't hate yourself.

Social skills are hard. That's why they're called skills - they need to be learned, they can be lost if you don't use them, they are always being honed and nobody gets it right all the time.

I really think that most people are understanding if they know what's going on. So while I understand that people might not want to share personal information, and of course they're not obliged to...if you don't mind, then I think it can help to explain that you're ND, or get nervous easily, so if you do run on a bit, you're sorry but you don't mean to.

Gosh, I really hope you're being ironic.

I've been lucky to have socialised with and worked alongside a lot of people who were good conversationalists and that's where I learned. I think like a lot of things it's about practicing and focussing less on myself and more on other people. Knowing my life isn't very interesting but ideas are, I tend to kick conversations off by asking open questions. So this past weekend I had a great couple of hours in a restaurant discussing all the things that spun off from my question 'Do you have a mind's eye?' which was a thread that had come up here on MN. Some people see things in their minds very clearly, some people not at all. It encouraged people to think and led down some fascinating pathways.

Oh yes, I totally agree. My ex does this and he recycles the same old boring monologues and annoyingly thinks he knows everything about everything, when in fact he knows Jack Shit! He had no interest in my career and if I ever tried to talk to him about an incident that happened that day he would ALWAYS reply “ oh well, as long as they’re paying you!” and completely close down the conversation.

OP, I feel your pain and don’t think that you’re being rude by telling him to curtail his stories, some men just can’t seem to read the room.

Darrell it's posts like yours that lead me to think others hate me too.

On the plus side, I've googled active listening, and I avoid people as much as possible, to avoid making them, and then me, miserable.

But OP - I do feel your pain, and that of those on the receiving end of the megabores. Sometimes someone is ND, sometimes someone is, like a previous poster's ex, an arrogant arsehole who thinks everyone is fascinated by them, and perceives the shuffly silence as stunned admiration.

There's a difference between waffling on and being unable to put a point in order, and thinking WAHAY! MY TURN TO TALK ABOUT ME AND ALL MY FUCKING GLORIOUSNESS! STRAP IN, BITCHES, HERE I GO! Now, the thing about MEEE is.......

Darrell it's posts like yours that lead me to think others hate me too.

Where have I expressed hate?

Are we married to the same guy? Sounds just like my DH! My DH is on the autistic spectrum, maybe your DH is as well.

Oh God, yes. My DH is exactly like this - but only with me and the (adult) children. Monologuing for what seems like hours with zero awareness of the audience's level of interest. I stopped listening years ago. However, in company he tends to keep quiet.
Has he had his hearing tested recently? I admit to my shame that I do the keeping talking and butting in with completely unrelated topics, and that is because I can't really hear what the other person is saying, or am afraid of mishearing it, or I've zoned out and failed to follow the conversation.

This is a really interesting thread. I just wondered if any of those who have been officially diagnosed had any hints or tips of discreetly letting the person know when they're being boring? I just know if it was me I would want someone to tell me and would tell my friends it was a spectrum thing and I may be prone to going on and on and if I do, please let me know so I can stop and learn from it (and not bore them to tears)
Genuine question. My BIL really ignores hints and even if you walk out of the room will follow you and continue blethering on about the delayed connecting flight or lack of carrot on the in-flight meal....

My husband does this too, on Saturday we were in a bank and there was a queue to see the member of staff and when we were done I left, he didn't come out but carried on talking to the staff member... And for God's sake don't let him talk about steam engines.

Mine does this, he also hyper fixates and then HAS to share the information no matter how bored everyone is.
Example, me and a relatively new friend went out for a meal and she came back for a coffee. We were discussing the dessert we had eaten and DH joined in with a monologue on the different types of fat and they’re sources and how to mitigate their effects on you - it was very scientific and specific, and pretty boring.
I just changed the subject.
I used to think it was my fault we had few couple friends

Oh God, how, @Redebs, how do you signal??

This really worries me. My FIL is awful for this, I don't think I can cope if my 45 year old DH goes this way. I have always had this fear.

My DH is autistic. I squeeze his arm when he needs to stop talking or he's veering into a monologue. He also does the "similar story about myself" response and I know it's just his way of relating.

He's actually got a lot better at social skills since we started dating - during group conversations at a party, he used to just turn to me and start talking about something else, and I'd have to gently remind him we were part of the group conversation. But I always remember that if I'm doing some extra management work between NT and ND styles, he's doing twice as much to remember the "rules" of conversation and listen to the subject at the same time. I actually think most people think he's pretty good company because he actively remembers to eg ask questions.

And he mocks me soundly for my "over active" listening - way too much nodding and mmmhmm. So we're even.

I’m autistic. I worry so much about accidentally boring others that I clam up instead and everyone’s thinks I’m awkward and standoffish. I fucking hate threads like this because it’s crystal clear that a lot of the “god this person I met was awful” anecdotes being shared relate to my fellow ND people, diagnosed or otherwise. All just a nice reminder of how negatively others view us and blame us for brain wiring that was not a choice. Brilliant.

I hear you, Snacks.

I think when you are in corporate in industry, it's easy to do this and forget others may work in different types of environments. For example, I work for a massive corporation and am so used to it I forget that people don't all have that background. So when talking about things with friends about things like conflict or performance, I can start to bang on about values and identity. Not really relevant to a friend who is a teacher in the UK for example. But our LinkedIn and corporate type culture is almost a language and it does spill into who we are. I have massive issues with integrity for example now, when the council forgot to charge me council tax on one of my rentals, even though I hate them, i had to fight them to bill me. Totally not me before but its such a part of working life and culture it starts to form our being. And I spend more time at work than I do at home not including sleep so I guess it's not surprising. It also explains why people who hate their industry or job are such hard work.

Family and friends tend to throw cushions at me when they've had enough 😀

I feel your pain! Mine thankfully isn’t too bad until he’s had a drink, but after a few pints he really makes me cringe with his over the top stories.

I’ve suggested a fake “first date” night before now with the hope of having a bit of a laugh over how to keep it engaging and it was a good excuse to call him out for being boring! Sadly it didn’t resonate as I was hoping it to!

Perhaps in future you’ll have to just butt in and answer the question, get straight to the answer so he can’t then tell the back story :)! You seem lovely OP don’t worry no judgement here, it must be very frustrating especially if you’re having a great time.