Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 02/05/2023 03:39

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but why was this holiday booked if he has zero interest in it? I would be quite upset if we had a family holiday based around activities I didn't like. Also why does he have to go in the pool anyway? Why can't he just read a book or something? Seems VVVVU!

MrsMikeDrop · 02/05/2023 03:41

WandaWonder · 02/05/2023 00:39

Does that work for women too?

Show quote history

This!! Sometimes MN can be absolutely disgusting 😑😳

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 02/05/2023 04:44

Your DH can wear a rash top. It's a t-shirt made of swimming costume fabric. I have body confidence issues as well and that's what I wear to go swimming.

Have you tried a menstrual cup? They hold a lot of blood and are internal.

loislovesstewie · 02/05/2023 05:57

Why do you always have the same holiday? Don't you ever do anything you all enjoy?

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 06:19

Lots of replies with posters asking why this DH should have to go on a holiday that's not his thing and why the poor love should have to get in a pool with his DC when he doesn't want to.

And it struck me that I- as a mother - have spent a significant portion of my life doing things I would rather not do but I did them nonetheless because it has made my DCs happy or has been necessary to ensure my DCs are safe and well.

A grown man refusing to take turns in a pool to supervise his own DC because he's a bit embarrassed about his body? Does he weigh 30 stones? Has he got 3 nipples? Is he hairy like a gorilla? It's a private pool FFS. He needs to get a grip and start pulling his weight and doing his fair share of parenting his DC.

He's the parent of a toddler; the days of sitting around on holidays reading your book and suiting yourself are gone, mate.

toomuchlaundry · 02/05/2023 06:21

@THisbackwithavengeance but you don’t always have to go on holiday with extended family.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/05/2023 06:24

I would say tag you are it, and he is responsible for dd for a couple of hours. He doesn’t have to take her in the pool, but it’s his turn to look after her. You need to go so
they aren’t.

happyumwelt · 02/05/2023 06:25

I really sympathise with your dh, although I do understand why this situation is frustrating for you too. I never go in the pool or the sea on holiday and this is for multiple reasons - I'm self conscious in swimwear, I'm not a strong swimmer, have poor water confidence and can't stand being cold and wet. I did try a few times when the dc were small, but it was always a completely miserable experience for me - I didn't find it fun and therefore my dc didn't find me particularly fun in the water either. I do lots of other stuff with them - dh gets in the water (and they are big enough not to need us now anyway - they are all very strong swimmers and I haven't passed my issues on).

TenoringBehind · 02/05/2023 06:30

I feel really sorry for your dh, forced into going on this holiday every year. It sounds like a holidays for everyone except him.

why not try something different that he might enjoy too?

I have always refused to go in the pool on holidays (can barely swim) and there’s not a chance I’d be wearing a swimming costume in front of my in laws (even though I’m a healthy weight). My children (now older teens) are great swimmers and love being in the pool and have not been held back by my fear and hatred of swimming.

mischlerischler · 02/05/2023 06:40

I think it's a bit strange to keep going on holidays that one of you don't enjoy. Is there anything else you can all enjoy as a family and do together on holidays?

Maybe you can try a compromise - he helps with DC in the pool for half of the holidays and you agree on doing some activity that you all enjoy together for the rest.

loislovesstewie · 02/05/2023 06:41

For years, I did holidays for the sake of my DH and kids. I did activities that I found boring, but they loved, went to places I didn't want to go to etc. eventually I had enough, I said that we took turn and turn about. I think you need to find something you all could do, even if it's just every other year, or alternatively go somewhere else where you could all do other things.
I wonder if people would think differently if the person with body issues was the woman and the OP a man?

JackiePlace · 02/05/2023 06:57

WandaWonder · 02/05/2023 00:39

Does that work for women too?

Show quote history

Yes! Everyone isn' t looking at you all the time.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 02/05/2023 07:13

I wonder if people would think differently if the person with body issues was the woman and the OP a man?

No. I'm female and I suggested a rash top because that works for me with my lack of body confidence.

DH wearing a rash top to go in the water would model to his children that you don't need a model's figure to enjoy swimming and that it's OK to cover up if you want to and for men to wear tops in the pool. I'm sick of the overly-revealing swimwear that seems to be all I can get, even in DD+ ranges. I would love to see modest "tank suit" costumes become more commonplace for both sexes because I find men's exposed nipples an uncomfortable reminder of the sexist double standards of clothing that women are held to compared to men and an intimidating display of male power and privilege (the privilege of being able to go topless in public, to be specific).

QuietOne121 · 02/05/2023 07:18

ninemonthstime · 01/05/2023 23:47

What about him wearing something like this in the pool.

Also, can you get the doctor to give you some tablets to postpone your period?

Is there a link to buy a top like this?

Mortimercat · 02/05/2023 07:23

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 06:19

Lots of replies with posters asking why this DH should have to go on a holiday that's not his thing and why the poor love should have to get in a pool with his DC when he doesn't want to.

And it struck me that I- as a mother - have spent a significant portion of my life doing things I would rather not do but I did them nonetheless because it has made my DCs happy or has been necessary to ensure my DCs are safe and well.

A grown man refusing to take turns in a pool to supervise his own DC because he's a bit embarrassed about his body? Does he weigh 30 stones? Has he got 3 nipples? Is he hairy like a gorilla? It's a private pool FFS. He needs to get a grip and start pulling his weight and doing his fair share of parenting his DC.

He's the parent of a toddler; the days of sitting around on holidays reading your book and suiting yourself are gone, mate.

He has been going on a type of holiday he doesn’t enjoy with the in-laws for many years, many years before a child came along.

OP is downright selfish, she doesn’t give a damn what type of holiday he likes, but he has quietly gone along with it for years anyway and now even that isn’t enough, he has to get into a pool as well. He doesn’t like pools. I don’t know why not, I like pools, but I can understand that somebody else might not. And if somebody doesn’t want to get into a swimming pool, they shouldn’t have to. There has been no suggestion he does not otherwise do his fair share of parenting. To be honest, I wonder have you actually read the OP’s posts because your response is really bizarre.

YouveGotAFastCar · 02/05/2023 07:26

He’s done a holiday most years that really isn’t his idea of fun.

It now doesn’t suit you either…

Surely he’d paid his dues before now, but this year it makes sense to break the trend and not go?

And I’m not sure I’d be rushing back to going next year, either…

bellac11 · 02/05/2023 07:34

Some of the posts on here are an absolute joke!!!

Im incredulous that this poor poor child is being portrayed as being somehow neglected or disadvantaged or let down by the fact that she gets taken on a holiday (and probably not just one), abroad, in a private villa but because her father doesnt want to get in the pool with her she will suffer and not learn to swim either!!!!

All these po faced self righteous posts about how its a life skill and so he needs to get over himself otherwise she'll miss out etc etc.

Jesus, theres kids that dont even have holidays, let alone abroad, let alone in a villa, let alone with a pool.

OhmygodDont · 02/05/2023 07:51

I couldn’t think of much worse than being expected to get in a pool infront of my in-laws.

I’d go in a pool where it’s randoms I’d never see again but not an inlaw holiday. Because body issues.

It would be really unfair to make this already pretty pants holiday for him even worse.

Wonnle · 02/05/2023 07:53

This holiday sounds like my idea of hell .
Do you ever go on holidays with his family ?

Catsmere · 02/05/2023 08:22

Sounds like a godawful boring “holiday” all round for him, why do you insist on repeating it every year - and now expecting him to join in pandering to your toddler wanting to be in the pool all the time? I’d have opted out of these holidays years ago in his place, tbh.

rookiemere · 02/05/2023 08:26

Some of these responses are so weird.

Of course a toddler will want to spend time in the pool if there is one there, it's hardly weird, unnatural or demanding, it's also already paid for which is in itself a good thing. I'm not sure what people think a toddler should be doing on holiday.

And how horrible of OPs parents to pay and force everybody on holiday to eat horrible food and <gasp> make use of the pool that is there. What fiends! Poor DH having to put up with such a horrendous imposition every year.

I'm of the he could put on a rash vest and shorts and suck it up camp. That's what my friends DH does with a skin condition. Or if he's not even comfortable doing that, once she is a bit older and able to swim he could still interact with DD from the side of the pool.

gannett · 02/05/2023 08:31

The whole ultra-martyring attitude of "as a parent, not only can you not do things you enjoy, but you MUST do things you actively dislike, because your 2yo sets the pace at all times" has never made me more glad to be child-free. Don't know how necessary it is and don't care, it sounds absolutely shit. "Suck it up" is such a horrible phrase too. I'm of the opinion that life should be arranged so that as few people need to suck it up as possible.

One thing I am sure of is that this child who has access to private villas with swimming pools and multiple holidays per year will be absolutely FINE whether her poor father is forced into a pool with her or whether he stands his ground and she has to spend a few hours on dry land.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 08:37

@Mortimercat why is it "bizarre" to expect a dad to look after his own child in a swimming pool to give the mum a break so she's not in the pool the whole day. The OP is not expecting him to be in the pool 24/7, it's just to give her a break so she's not bleeding into the actual pool on her heavy days. Surely as a woman you can empathise with that feeling?

Surely you tag team as a parent? He should take his turn. Heavy periods aside, perhaps the OP would like a drink in peace and to read her book and sunbathe as well rather than being on a 24/7 toddler watch.

This is so, so weird, feeling sorry for a man that is taken on a free holiday every year. I mean poor diddums! It might not be his bag but then he's a grown adult and could refuse to go if he hated it that much. And I'm really surprised at all the adults on this thread that wouldn't wear a swimsuit in front of their in-laws. That's actually really sad.

rookiemere · 02/05/2023 08:44

@gannett I am a DC of DPs who didn't suck it up, ever , at all. We went to Florida to visit relatives a number of times,never even occurred to them to take me to Disney for a day ( and yes I know that will bring out all the anti Disney crowd).

I'm sure I learned a lot from going round Stately homes and gardens as an only child, but it wasn't a load of fun.

It's possible to compromise and have a range of activities that suit everyone, sometimes that works in the DPs favour, sometimes the DC.

And yes we did take DS to Disneyworld when he was young, even if DH looked round our apartment and said wistfully "It's not Tuscany is it ?" he had a great time at the Space centre.