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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
FKATondelayo · 01/05/2023 23:21

I'm going against the grain here but YANBU. Part of being a parent is doing things that your kid wants to do and sacrificing your own comfort for them. Swimming is a basic life skill and teaching a child water confidence and safety starts early. My children would spend all day in the pool - in a hot country it's good for them to cool down, it's exercise and good sensory stimulation. It will help her sleep better and get into a routine on holiday. Toddlers are always a PITA on holiday but I'm not sure what the alternative non-pool

Frankly the responses that you should use hormonal contraception or tranxemic acid to ensure your husband never has to do anything mildly uncomfortable are bizarre and sexist.

FKATondelayo · 01/05/2023 23:22

'not sure what the alternative non-pool holiday options would be.' that should say

pizzaHeart · 01/05/2023 23:23

To be honest I wonder if it’s about the family rather than about the pool. I don’t give a f* about my body image on a beach in Balearics among other tourists (and believe me I should). But I wouldn’t feel comfortable to be in a swimming costume with my extended family or in laws around, no way. My parents haven’t seen me in a bikini for about 30 years (except on photos) I know it’s stupid but that’s the reality. I will wear shorts or short T-shirt dress, it’s fine.
So my question is will your DH go on a holiday with a pool just the three of you? If yes, YABU, he doesn’t deprive your child of chances to be in the pool he just doesn’t want to parade around your family in trunks. You can go somewhere just three of you and your DC will get plenty of pool experience.
You still can go on this holiday with family but except his limits as a compromise.

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:26

I had an endometrial ablation BTW. If someone's periods have become particularly unpleasant and/or they are at the stage of completing their family, I'd recommend it to anyone whose periods are annoying.

Once you have all the DC you want you can consider it @Starlightcloud .

It's been no inconvenience to me- a day procedure and no periods since. Awesome.

gerbilcrocus · 01/05/2023 23:27

Florenz · 01/05/2023 22:28

Why should he get to dictate what holiday you all go on when everyone enjoys a swimming pool holiday? Is sitting by a pool in the sun sipping a drink and going into the pool occasionally that taxing? Who wants to take a 2 year old on a "city break" or a cycling holiday, it'd be a nightmare (and a lot more expensive than sitting by the pool).

Why on Earth should the OP's relatives dictate what kind of holiday her DH goes on? That's insane!

MrsJackRackham · 01/05/2023 23:28

I know now that my dad hated swimming, being in the pool etc but he took me and my sister once a week to the baths and played in the pool on holiday with us because it wasn't about him. I only learned as an adult how much he didn't enjoy being in the water. He's dead now but looking back I love that he did that (and a hundred another things) because it made my childhood and I have brilliant memories of our holidays.

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:29

Is sitting by a pool in the sun sipping a drink and going into the pool occasionally that taxing?

It just sounds well boring to me. I don't have kids though so I'd mainly be cafe/bar/restaurant hopping and looking at nice views.

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:31

Maybe the lurking by/in the pool thing for a couple of hours a day max if I had DC and felt I should. That'd be it.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 01/05/2023 23:34

For yourself, just quickly - you can get meds from the GP to stop your period. Not hormonal as gave to my 13 year old. Need to start taking 10 days before due. She took them all holiday and came on 2 days after being home when taking them.

Other than that, tampons should be fine.

The crux is that your husband is not comfortable in the surroundings and feels too insecure to be splashing in a pool with his daughter

That is a terrible shame.

I hope you can talk about this, and get it it sorted - address his insecurities. Once he's in, he will only have eyes for DD and love it. First steps of crippling anxiety. Be kind ❤️

BogRollBOGOF · 01/05/2023 23:35

DM didn't do swimming. I didn't pick up swimming from the school lessons with instructors flailing and yelling incomprehensively at the side of the pool, so between that and a couple of trips to a pool a year with other people, I didn't learn to swim until I went to adult lessons at 16, and could very easily have ended up a non-swimmer as a result of DM's attitude to swimming.

DH is no swimmer but he will get in and join us for a play on holiday or splash sessions. It is a part of parenting and spending time playing with your children.

There are rash vests and shorts for covering up, and a good idea for UV protection anyway. That's a much more practical adaption to the issue than expecting OP to take hormones to manage her periods.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 01/05/2023 23:38

pizzaHeart · 01/05/2023 23:23

To be honest I wonder if it’s about the family rather than about the pool. I don’t give a f* about my body image on a beach in Balearics among other tourists (and believe me I should). But I wouldn’t feel comfortable to be in a swimming costume with my extended family or in laws around, no way. My parents haven’t seen me in a bikini for about 30 years (except on photos) I know it’s stupid but that’s the reality. I will wear shorts or short T-shirt dress, it’s fine.
So my question is will your DH go on a holiday with a pool just the three of you? If yes, YABU, he doesn’t deprive your child of chances to be in the pool he just doesn’t want to parade around your family in trunks. You can go somewhere just three of you and your DC will get plenty of pool experience.
You still can go on this holiday with family but except his limits as a compromise.

This makes sense.

I wouldn't get in the sea, or a pool if Mum's boyf was around - tricky as she owned the house near the sea.

He has always made comments on my weight. He's bigger than me! I just put on 3 stone in as many years due to depression.

Strangers fine. Family not so much, you have a good point.

JMSA · 01/05/2023 23:39

YANBU. At all!

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:41

I know it's slightly risky, but at the height of my period over the last couple of years, I would use 2 tampons. Otherwise I couldn't really control the flow. I think non-applicator ones are better too, as their shape is more resiliant.

Sorry if TMI lol.

Anotherusernameagainitseems · 01/05/2023 23:41

It's possible to buy period proof swimwear which might help for lighter days

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 23:43

I don't think you should force him to swim it he doesn't want to.

He can sit on the side and help you with DD while she's in the water, or take her out somewhere for a few hours instead.

My mum never went in the water when I was growing up - swimming was my desks thing! It was absolutely fine and I don't feel like my mum was letting me down or opting out 🙄 we did loads of other stuff together instead.

Rosula · 01/05/2023 23:46

Why not vary your holiday arrangements? It sounds desperately boring for him. Do they have to be so dependent on a pool? How about something like Disneyland or an activity type holiday?

ninemonthstime · 01/05/2023 23:47

What about him wearing something like this in the pool.

Also, can you get the doctor to give you some tablets to postpone your period?

Husband won't swim on holiday
OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:54

@ninemonthstime That looks really nice on that guy :)

UndercoverCop · 01/05/2023 23:59

My DF always loved being in the pool/sea etc and last time we went on a wider family holiday he kept making excuses. He eventually told me that he didn't want to take his shirt off. Now my DF is very fit and active, still runs and can cycle miles. However when I was young he always had quite manual jobs and did a lot of sport so was always toned and muscular (in a lean way rather than bodybuilderesque), he's now in his seventies and to me looks great, but doesn't have the abs of his 40 year old self.
I suggested a rash vest and he thought people my brother would tease him, so I suggested saying it was about his skin. He does have a few moles on his back and shoulders, so just says he covers up now because of that. He's back in the pool and happy with it.

JackiePlace · 02/05/2023 00:13

Tell him he needs to man up and that no-one is interested in his flabby/scrawny body.

xprincessxjanetx · 02/05/2023 00:21

I wouldn't be going in either! Unfortunately if you suffer with body image problems it can be a very difficult thing to overcome. I'd be more than happy to do anything else required to share parental duties but getting my fat arse in the pool would not be one of them!

WandaWonder · 02/05/2023 00:39

JackiePlace · 02/05/2023 00:13

Tell him he needs to man up and that no-one is interested in his flabby/scrawny body.

Does that work for women too?

Livelovebehappy · 02/05/2023 00:51

So the poor guy has not only had to fall in with you and your family going somewhere every year that he doesn’t really get any enjoyment out of, but is now also expected to be forced into doing something he doesn’t feel comfortable with. It’s not like it’s something he has suddenly decided he doesn’t want to do, he has a valid concern, and his feelings shouldn’t be minimised. You can take medication to suppress your period, which is harmless, and would solve your problem. And maybe next year go on a holiday that you would both enjoy?

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 02/05/2023 01:00

girlfriend44 · 01/05/2023 21:05

Yanbu he's selfish. He should want to play with his child in the pool. It's all.part of being a dad and creating memories. Sounds a boring old fart to me.

Nobody's staring at him in.the pool anyway just an excuse.

Show quote history

Selfish!? Are you joking?
the man is going on holidays he clearly doesn’t particularly enjoy at all- all about food and drink when he doesn’t drink and isn’t a foodie and involving a pool when he doesn’t enjoy swimming- over and over again, presumably because he loves his wife and they make her happy. How is that selfish!?

LadyJ2023 · 02/05/2023 03:09

Sorry but pushing him to do something he clearly is not comfortable with is a form of bullying so either go on a holiday all can enjoy or suck it up. Dont see the problem if he is more than happy to take little one on walks then great at least he is doing something rather than nothing and she learns she doesn't get her own way all the time to.