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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
sladys · 01/05/2023 22:43

PrincessScarlett · 01/05/2023 22:13

I don't really go in the pool much on holiday. I will go in a few times but I really don't enjoy swimming or pools. You say your DH does other activities so he's not slacking on parental duty. I think it's unfair of you to force him in the pool when he really doesn't like it.

I don't particularly enjoy going in the pool or sea on holiday. I'd much rather sit back, relax and keep dry.....

However my Dd loves being in the pool. Do guess what?! I suck it up and get in. Then I enjoy it because she's enjoying it.

What if op had the same attitude as her DH? Would the Dd just never get to experience the pool? Can imagine it is the highlight of the holiday for most young kids

Stripycatz · 01/05/2023 22:43

A good work around for toddlers wanting to play in the pool for a lot longer than you do is to get a cheap dinghy and a load of buckets, plastic cups etc. Fill the dinghy with water and play with her on the side of the pool.

Maybe he could do that?

Stripedbag101 · 01/05/2023 22:46

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 21:05

Thanks everyone. Genuinely appreciate hearing all angles on this.
So we do multiple holidays a year and none of the others would involve a pool.
It's just this one that we go on.

Let him sit out this one then? It sounds awful for him.

I assume he does his share of the parenting - he just hates this annual holiday and doesn’t like the pool?

don’t go - or just you go.

I hate forced fun - holidays should be enjoyable:

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/05/2023 22:47

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 20:56

It would annoy me if someone tried to force me to do something they clearly know I don’t want to do on holiday. Ou even say it’s not the entire holiday is not his thing but he does so year after year.

You can get very effective period swimwear or medication to stop your period. You can also be the parent and say no to your child, that she only goes in the pool when it’s convenient with you.

Do you usually try to force your DH to do what you want?

While I get your first point telling a woman to medically stop her period rather than her husband put on a shirt to supervise his child is really fucking weird.

seratoninmoonbeams · 01/05/2023 22:50

We always had the floatation vests for our DS so you could sit on the side of the pool ready to jump in if necessary but they literally keep them afloat and they are able to play. Is this an option. They were brilliant.

Sassypants82 · 01/05/2023 22:52

Get a small paddling pool for her to sit in with her toys. Sit beside it to supervise.

gogohmm · 01/05/2023 22:57

Whilst yes your Dh needs to step up a bit, why not choose a holiday he would prefer? 2 year olds are portable and don't get to dictate the day plus a child should not be in the sun that much even in a sun suit, hat and factor 50 on.

At that age we went to San Francisco, they had a good time without a pool

Xmasbaby11 · 01/05/2023 22:57

Being in the pool with your child is quite a big, regular part of parenting so it's not just holidays, also weekly swimming lessons and other leisure swimming. If your dd loves swimming, you will be taking her a fair amount over the years! What about if you have another child - both parents will need to be in the pool. I don't think it is fair that he doesn't take part in any of this without trying to deal with the reason - his body image.

I think your DH needs to address the body image issues for himself and the family as it will be raise problems time and time again.

Lookingoutside · 01/05/2023 22:57

She might have to come away from the pool then. Jesus.

WandaWonder · 01/05/2023 22:58

Float vests are toys they should never be relied on for safety

Ottersmith · 01/05/2023 22:59

As if a Mother would be able to opt out of swimming with their kid based on body issues. We would have to get in with our saggy milk tits and belly pouch. He can get a rash vest. Although as it's your family holiday I would say he actually is allowed to not attend at all. But if he is then yes he should go in.

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 01/05/2023 23:01

That's a good idea (dinghy on dry land!)

Generally I'm with sladys
I can understand him maybe being self-conscious around your family in which case give him the option to stay home. If he says he still wants to come maybe he needs to do some shifts in the pool/tackle his hang up in advance.

If he's ambivalent about joining you (and you say you go on other holidays) could you rope in a friend with a toddler to join you for like-minded company? (Just thinking a childfree friend might abandon you for your family!). I'm surprised your family aren't helping you a little more. Is it an easy holiday for you in other respects (flights, transfers, shared accommodation and food/drink costs)?

What kind of holiday would your partner prefer?

Booklover40 · 01/05/2023 23:04

I hate public swimming pools, partly from being a bit germphobic and partly when I was younger from feeling embarrassed to walk around in a bikini (now I'm older I don't give a crap about that!) Dh always did the pool thing 90% of the time when the dc's were small. We've had quite a few private villas which helps, but I do have sympathy with your dh if he hates the pool.

bridgetreilly · 01/05/2023 23:04

She’s two. You decide how long she can be in the pool (determined by how long you are willing to be in). The rest of the time she does something else.

Goldbar · 01/05/2023 23:04

Taking children swimming is part of being a parent imo.

I hate swimming and have body confidence issues but I still take my children swimming. It's one of those things that you just have to suck it up to do your best by your children.

What will happen if you have more DC and can't easily manage them in the pool by yourself?

SorePaw · 01/05/2023 23:05

@Starlightcloud

why can't she go in the pool with your relatives, while your DH sits on the side keeping an eye on them?

Thepooroldwolfisdead · 01/05/2023 23:09

I never went swimming with my DC. I'm not confident in the water & DH was fine doing it on his own but then he did what suited him. If you are finding it too much to do on your own then do less.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 01/05/2023 23:12

I think YABU to demand he does something he doesn’t want to do. As you said, he’s happy to entertain and take dd for walks etc, so maybe on the days you feel too uncomfortable to swim then plan some days out instead. Or send him with her to find a local park or something.
fwiw - especially those that say it’s one of those things you have to suck up as a parent - my mum never once got in the pool with my sister and I as children. She says herself she hasn’t been swimming or in a pool since she was a teen, so it was always my dad that took us swimming and my holidays and childhood were not damaged by this at all.

Feeling100 · 01/05/2023 23:12

I really feel for your DH. I have psoriasis, and am a stone overweight, I can manage to swim in front of strangers who I’ll never see again. But in front of family, no chance!

SoftCoeur · 01/05/2023 23:13

What if op had the same attitude as her DH? Would the Dd just never get to experience the pool?

DH and I both dislike swimming and would never go on this type of holiday, so my DCs have - gasp - suffered this horror. They seem OK. We go on sightseeing/historical sites type hols.

They both did school swimming lessons so can swim a bit. Neither liked it. I hated it as a kid. People are different.

Hoppingmad231 · 01/05/2023 23:17

Tell him If he doesn't get in pool with dd your not either and he can deal with the tantrums from her.

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:17

I don't like showing my body off either, even though it's not objectively awful. But I wear swim shorts down to my knees and a one piece.

He could wear shorts and a t-shirt or whatever these rash things are- they look ok.

He wouldn't have the social pressure to shave his legs (which I don't bother with so mostly have to hide in the water) either, so it'd be easier for him than women.

toomuchlaundry · 01/05/2023 23:20

How many of your many holidays involve your extended family and things your DH doesn’t enjoy @Starlightcloud

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:21

But staying in the pool the whole time sounds well boring and physically unpleasant (even if the two of you do it in shifts.) Sooner or later I wouldn't feel like being in the water anymore.

Sounds like reading the same story over and over again. Smile

She must know (or learn) that sometimes other people will get bored with something if she asks for it again and again and again.

MajesticWhine · 01/05/2023 23:21

This would annoy me too. But if he pulls his weight with taking care of his daughter in other ways, then I think you have to accept it.

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