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Original poster

‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

266 replies

namechangeforthistodayy · 01/05/2023 18:54

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
bringitonnow · 02/05/2023 19:04

She is a very nasty piece of work. Just because she is your mum does not give her the right to talk to you like that. She is a big fat gobshite. Even if you are fat so what, there are much worse things to be.

Hotfootgoose · 02/05/2023 19:04

namechangeforthistodayy · 01/05/2023 21:28

I’m so sorry I have not been on this thread since I posted as we decided to book an apartment for a couple of days to get away as we live near to my parents (something she persuaded me to do which I very much regret) as I really don’t want to deal with turning up at my door and I just need some space, stuff has been so stressful as it is already.

the sister she was laughing with is actually only 13 and she had delight in joining in which when I think about it makes me feel sad because she’s being taught it’s ok. She also got my 16 year old brother involved who made cruel comments too and they both laughed (he said I’m actually way bigger). (I’m 28 btw).

thank you so much for all of the kind comments they are really eye opening. I really appreciate the kindness and advice. I’ve spoken to my other sister (24, same biological parents whereas I have a different dad to the younger two) and she’s been really comforting and is furious. Told her not to get involved but we’re very close and she sees how we’re treated differently too.

the thing I’m afraid of is before when she’s been nasty and I went no contact she threatened to take my son away from me because she has a good relationship with him and makes me feel like a crap mother. My son is autistic with quite severe learning difficulties and he couldn’t be without me… it really terrifies me that if I go no contact again she’ll start threatening this and actually do something to try to make this happen.

She would never get care of your son. Let her try, she has no chance.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/05/2023 19:05

If it had stopped at ‘She’s huge’ it could be excused as ‘she’s as big as you, which is huge compared to how she used to be’ not nice but could be excused a clumsy slip of the tongue. But to then mick you with photos and videos and not apologise is toxic and nasty - i’d ho no contact. You don’t need that around your child. I’m so sorry. She sounds vile.

moortownplumber · 02/05/2023 19:15

All about that bass

piedbeauty · 02/05/2023 19:16

Do people really act like this? 😱😱

Your mum is a deranged chav. Stop seeing her!

Jkrowlingsarmy · 02/05/2023 19:20

You poor thing. Trust your instincts - this is awful, awful behaviour.

PollyAmour · 02/05/2023 19:21

Your mother cannot take your son away from you, ignore her ridiculous threats and ignore her for the rest of your life. She is a nasty piece of work, and you will feel so much more free once you have made the decision to cut her out. No need to tell her, just ignore calls, texts, be on the way out if she calls round, don't engage in conversation, don't go to any family events. If necessary, put your house up for sale and move far, far away.

helpplease01 · 02/05/2023 19:28

Listen... you are being gas lit. She is being intentionally cruel and deliberately trying to mess with your head.
You need to set some Boundaries with them. Distance yourself. Get some therapy to unpack this abuse. Fucking C*s treating you like this. Tell her to Fuck off. She's try and throw it back. Don't take it. You are right to feel how you did. Your mother had a problem.

WeeblesWobbled · 02/05/2023 19:28

Okay...I actually think that your mother is jealous of you.

helpplease01 · 02/05/2023 19:31

PollyAmour · 02/05/2023 19:21

Your mother cannot take your son away from you, ignore her ridiculous threats and ignore her for the rest of your life. She is a nasty piece of work, and you will feel so much more free once you have made the decision to cut her out. No need to tell her, just ignore calls, texts, be on the way out if she calls round, don't engage in conversation, don't go to any family events. If necessary, put your house up for sale and move far, far away.

This. Honestly. Do this. I would go as blocking her completely. Not before I told her what a cruel deranged excuse of a mother she is.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/05/2023 19:35

Threatening that she would try to get custody is vile (it also wouldn't happen) and shows just the kind of horrible person she actually is. If she was a friend/acquaintance you wouldn't give her time of day. Don't be bullied or belittled by your own mother.

She sounds batshit trying to justify her behaviour. I'm really angry for you.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/05/2023 19:47

Oh no, that’s awful. My mum is obsessed with weight and talking about fat people (I’m big and she’s hardly slim but not as big as me) but she’s tactless rather than nasty. Your mum and sister are just rotten. How horrible of them. YANBU. Hugs x

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/05/2023 19:49

And she’s never going to get your son so please don’t worry about that

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 02/05/2023 19:56

JayniSummers · 01/05/2023 18:59

You sound like a wonderful person and do not deserve such a toxic family . Concentrate on your partner and child as your family unit and go no or low contact with these horrors . Well done for losing weight , now lose the vile family who don't deserve your company

I agree with this, you are NBU, you've done really well and your DM and DSis sound horrible.

Annie202 · 02/05/2023 19:57

I wouldn't want to have any further contact with her. Block her from all social media and don't give her another thought.

Didtheythough · 02/05/2023 20:25

You should never, ever, ever see that woman again and there would be absolutely no grounds for her to take your son away, that's just the ranting of an evil desperate woman. Move away. I've been on mumsnet along time and 'no contact' is advised a lot, I often dont agree but in this case she seriously sounds absolutely evil.

NewtonsCradle · 02/05/2023 20:39

Your mother baited you, your sister joined in and unfortunately you took the bait (totally understandable given the provocation). I suspect the intention was to spoil the day and hurt you. Don't give them the satisfaction of having another go at them, your mum clearly loves drama, just grey rock and concentrate on your healthy relationships. You are not at fault and your body isn't their business.

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 20:42

Haven’t RTFT but your mum sounds mean and unhinged. It’s unpleasant to do this regardless of your size — family should be supportive! (Though they often aren’t)

Congratulations on losing a stone, that’s a fantastic achievement.

MyNameIsJane · 02/05/2023 20:50

That’s awful.

JackMummy12 · 02/05/2023 20:52

Narcissists! You should go no contact. Absolutely horrible behaviour.

Abcdefg1234567abcdefg · 02/05/2023 21:13

So sorry that you have been treated like this by your mum and family.
It is not OK or acceptable. They are in the wrong yet, because you have put up with this abuse for years, you have learned not to question it. That's not your fault, but now is the time to do something about it because you deserve better.
There are some amazing experts on Insta who talk about generational trauma and how childhood traumas impact the adults we become.
Look at the.holistic.psychologist
I think you will find her page extremely informative as a place to start to understand family dynamics.
Also patrickteahantherapy is another good one.
There are many more too and You Tube has lots of information. It can be overwhelming but seeing the psychology behind behaviours may give you some understanding in their behaviour and will show you that it is not your fault!
I'd also highly recommend trying to get some therapy from someone who specifically deals with family/parental trauma.
I wish you lots of luck in your healing journey. You sound like someone with a good heart and you deserve happiness x

Beety3ly · 02/05/2023 21:52

She is so out of order. Cut her off!!
Honestly, being overweight can be related to trauma and comfort eating is a sure sign. I listen to a great podcast called Go Love Yourself. I highly recommend it. There's a good episode about family too.
You need to surround yourself with good positive people that bring you joy !

KillswitchEngage · 02/05/2023 21:59

Absolutely agree with this, also try LiberationTherapy on Instagram and Facebook, really lovely lady, her posts have helped me a lot with my own narcissistic mother.

T1Dmama · 02/05/2023 22:14

You mum is an unsupportive, nasty judgemental prick!
what to do next??… nothing… I think silence is golden.. I wouldn’t speak to her until she apologises! What was the sister saying while this all went on….
a simple ‘Sorry I didn’t mean it like that’ wouldn’t have killed her!

I wouldn’t want my child round her… she’s abusive and nasty and sounds unhinged

ThinWomansBrain · 02/05/2023 22:19

How rude - is she usually so abusive?
And to not apologise but try and back out of it when you picked her up on it is unfathomable.
I'd just go No Contact or extremely low contact for a while - block her phone if that makes it easier.