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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

266 replies

namechangeforthistodayy · 01/05/2023 18:54

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 01/05/2023 21:48

Abuse. Classic 1-2 step model.

Step 3 - DM will panic now she’s lost her punchbag and try hard to get you back.

Will you say yes?

Merryoldgoat · 01/05/2023 21:49

How on earth could she take your son away? She has no right to do that.

A woman like that would never hear from me again.

Brieandme · 01/05/2023 21:50

OP she has no right to take your son away from you, not only that, she has no rights to 'visitation' or to see him at all - assuming of course that you're in the UK and that there's no court orders that you haven't mentioned or substantial history (eg if she had say, been sole carer of him for an extended time and your child saw her as a second parent sometimes courts will grant something if it's in the childs best interests not to lose a very special relationship - these situations are rare though!)

Given what you've described I do wonder if she means she would do something to try and disrupt things for you, eg making accusations to social services - if this is your worry, keep a simple diary of dates/times of any issues. Keep it as neutral as possible. Then if SS come knocking, you've got some reasonable evidence to indicate that there's a malicious allegation.

pepsirolla · 01/05/2023 21:52

She would not be able to take your child. Start going nc, make notes of any abuse you get, date and time, copy any texts or emails. Look to move house if possible. If she doesn't get the message you could look to get a restraining order. Concentrate on your family and sister, you don't need her or the drama in your lives.

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 01/05/2023 21:53

My Mum has often mocked me and my siblings (and others) for being larger. One time when I called her out for her excitedly gossiping about another relative's weight gain, and pointed out that she always goes on about people being larger, she got off the phone with no fanfare. But then rang me days later whining (obviously been stewing!) and wanted me to say that she had never ever made fun of anyone for their size. I told her to deal with it, bullying me into saying you didn't won't change the fact you did. We didn't speak for over a month as I wouldn't back down. I'm very fortunate though that the family stick together against any snide comments. So pleased your partner supported you! Pull back as much as you need to from them and don't doubt yourself. x

Booklover40 · 01/05/2023 21:55

Unfortunately we can't choose our family.

We can however choose to have nothing to do with them when they are absolutely vile to us. I'd never speak to the evil bitch again.

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 01/05/2023 21:57

OP I'm glad you have your other sister. Focus on her/her family, your partner/his family and son and any other positive influences in your life.

I second the 'quiet' ghosting. You cannot reason with such people. Change the lock/fit a chain if she currently has access to your place and you can't face getting the key back. Mute/archive her messages on your phone (get your partner to skim through them once or twice a week if you must although he doesn't need to repeat the content to you. Keep them as a record just in case).

Booklover40 · 01/05/2023 21:57

the thing I’m afraid of is before when she’s been nasty and I went no contact she threatened to take my son away from me because she has a good relationship with him and makes me feel like a crap mother. My son is autistic with quite severe learning difficulties and he couldn’t be without me… it really terrifies me that if I go no contact again she’ll start threatening this and actually do something to try to make this happen.

Bloody hell, she's really done a number on you hasn't she you poor thing.

She wouldn't have a hope in hell of taking your son away from you, please don't worry about this xx

AppallinglyReheated · 01/05/2023 22:02

Do whatever it takes to avoid her without triggering her.

Lots of people will tell you to go no contact immediately but in reality, thats often not practical and will result in escalation from the person you're trying to avoid.

Stick to some rules - you don't EVER be in her company in a way that means you cannot leave, immediately, when you want to.

So that means if you go out with her, you go seperately in your own car so you can just leave. You and partner agree a cue for leaving or that if you say 'ok we have to go now', your partner goes along with it no matter what.

WHEN you leave, and you do it as soon as you think she's getting in that mood and you do not wait and see... you do it in a cheery voice 'yawn stretch, really tired now so we'll be off Mum, bye'.. and off you fuck. No drama, no anger.

Ideally, you avoid spending time with her 'Sorry Mum, we're really busy that day/today/every day...'

Then in the meantime you plot, save and move.

She cannot take your child, unless theres something you've not posted about giving her legal rights, as a Grandma she has no right to custody and even if she could somehow make a case that you were an unfit parent, theres still no guarantee she'd get custody.

She sounds vile, really nasty and also thick as mince - please do what you can to get away from her.

Thesharkradar · 01/05/2023 22:05

also thick as mince
this is deffo in your favour OP!
I second all that @AppallinglyReheated posted, you can easily out maneuver this horrible & mad as a box of frogs woman

GG1986 · 01/05/2023 22:09

Wow if my mum spoke to me like this then I wouldn't be seeing her again. She sounds unhinged and a nasty piece of work.

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 01/05/2023 22:11

Jesus, I'm so sorry that you have to put up with being treated the way you are by your mum (and by your sister by the sounds of it).
You shouldn't have to laugh anything off and presumably they know about your health issues which makes it sick that they taunt you, quite frankly.

I would stop contact for a little while and let her cool off and then reflect on what she's said. Let her come to you with an apology. If she doesn't, honestly you're no worse off and I think you'll find your mental health will vastly improve without that toxicity in your life. If she does apologise, then make it clear that you won't tolerate any more comments about your body.

Ps. Who says shit like "In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat" when talking to their kids?! Missing the point completely, use whatever synonym you want but you know it's going to cause upset.

MRex · 01/05/2023 22:12

She's really vile, I'm so sorry for you that you've put up with that, but time to not do that any more. She can't take your son, he is your son not hers. Stop all contact now. Move away too. Document clearly why you don't want to be in touch with her, and if she contacts you say no, then that you consider it harassment, and then report her to the police if she continues. She is not allowed to harass you, nobody is.

Stripedbag101 · 01/05/2023 22:14

Your mum is nasty - and really quite thick.

I couldn’t tolerate spending time with her.

dont subject your child to this car crash of a family.

user1471554720 · 01/05/2023 22:18

That sounds like bullying. They are always 'only having a laugh' at your expense. Then when you stand up for yourself they attack you. She wanted you to sit there and 'laugh at yourself'. This is very bad for your self esteem long term. Time to go NC or very low contact for your own well being.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 01/05/2023 22:20

Your family are arseholes. Tbh I'm your shoes op I'd look to move asap and if she threatens to take your son away, we'll good luck to her - he can go nc with them too.

NicolaRose · 01/05/2023 22:22

I see this type of thing and it just reminds me to never be that type of mum. It’s a generational thing or something, the generation before weren’t allowed to get mental health help so their struggles just project on to us kids. All of that was really nasty and bullying, don’t stand for it. Sometimes even though they say blood is thicker than water, it’s best to sort of let them go a little bit and bring your partner / child closer as a unit - if that makes sense?

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 01/05/2023 22:32

*let her reflect on what she said, nothing for you to reflect on nor should you dwell on her comments at all

mumyes · 01/05/2023 22:38

Congrats on losing a stone - that's a big deal.Flowers

Shauna27 · 01/05/2023 22:39

Thats absolutely dreadful! You poor thing! It doesn't matter what word she used, it's how she made you feel. She knows exactly what she was doing and it sounds like it's not the first time she's treated you like this either. You don't deserve to be mocked and belittled and then have your feelings invalidated by her gaslighting. I hope you can love yourself enough to realise that you need to cut these people out of your life, they don't have your best interests at heart, they are damaging your self esteem. Sending you hugs x

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 01/05/2023 22:39

NicolaRose · 01/05/2023 22:22

I see this type of thing and it just reminds me to never be that type of mum. It’s a generational thing or something, the generation before weren’t allowed to get mental health help so their struggles just project on to us kids. All of that was really nasty and bullying, don’t stand for it. Sometimes even though they say blood is thicker than water, it’s best to sort of let them go a little bit and bring your partner / child closer as a unit - if that makes sense?

It's not a generational thing - you get nasty people in all generations.

ClairDeLaLune · 01/05/2023 22:45

Your mum is a vile, abusive, gas-lighting bully. The fact that you’re actually doubting whether you’re in the right shows what a complete number she’s done on your confidence and self-esteem. I would honestly go NC with her. Your sister sounds awful too.

Sugargliderwombat · 01/05/2023 22:46

Op just wanted to say I'm so sorry your mum treats you this way. What a horrible bitter person.

BuffyTheCat · 01/05/2023 22:47

So your mum likes to make fun of your weight, but can’t tolerate being challenged on her behaviour? Wow, that’s incredibly toxic. Good to hear your partner stuck up for you and that your sister is sympathetic.

Your mum is unpleasant, ignorant, immature, manipulative, and highly unlikely to change. This is her personality. I agree with PP’s advice to change your locks and keep well away from your poisonous mum.

Flowers
Merangutan · 01/05/2023 22:47

She’s abusive, OP. Her behaviour is absolutely horrible and vindictive. You aren’t imagining it or overreacting here.