‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

[namechangeforthistodayy]

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

You are at no fault. She’s a bully and deliberately embarrassed you in front of everyone. I would have cried aswell. Im so glad your partner wasn’t afraid to stand up to her. I’d cut her off now for good.

I'm so pleased your DP stood up for you. I wouldn't be looking to spend time with your sister or mother any time soon. Spend sometime working on your self esteem and emotional wellbeing - away from them. You mother couldn't cope because you challenged her - good for you that you did.

Honestly OP, would you put up with a friend acting this way towards you? No! So don't think you have to endure it because it's your Mum. Just go no communication with her, cut her out of your life. I promise you'll feel better about your life immediately. Big hugs ❤️

Oh OP, you don’t deserve to be treated like this. I am so glad your other sister and your partner see your worth and stick up for you. I’m with a lot of the other people commenting here — you need to protect yourself and your family by making healthy choices. I’d be looking to go no contact too. This is just not an acceptable way to be treated.

Your mum is a bully. I am so sorry she did this to you.
i don’t know your situation in full but I’d say she’d not have a cat in hells chance of taking your boy off you. Please speak to someone about this if it worries you (who knows your situation and the law not just a random person on mumsnet) and then I would protect yourself and your family from such an abusive bully. I am really sorry. No one should be made to feel like that. Sending hugs xxx

I empathise with you, OP. My mum is obsessed with weight and has zero tact. Aged 11, going through puberty, and weighing 6st 8, she told me I had "footballers thighs." Now, as a peri menopausal size 14, I'm apparently "enormous", have "no self-control" and I've "let myself go." 🙄

You could be 22 atone and noone should treat you like that for a start. Your weight is nooones business.nor isn't your worth.and you do not owe anybody to be a certain size,or even "healthy" as that's often the excuse shitty weight bullies use for their comments.
But no matter big or small or fucking rectangular you do not need or deserve this treatment.
Grey rock.
Stay away.
Protect yourself
Protect your team.
She cannot take your son away.
Seriously do not take o board anything these shit heads aim at you. It's definitely a them.issue.

OP, you DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. Do not subject yourself to her and her kids, who sound like the same ilk.

Your mother is a vile, nasty bully and she won’t change. Go NC and stick with it. There is no way she can take your son from you. If she tries to force contact and harasses/threatens you, report the harassment.

You have done the right thing removing yourself from the situation. Could you make it more permanent?

You don’t have to threaten no contact, just do it. The first thing I did was change my locks as my mother had a key that I’d given my DF, after he died she kept hold of them. I then made sure my DDs school took her off the emergency contact list and made sure if she turned up at school she was not to see my children.

She has NO right to take your child, if she threatens it then get a restraining order to keep her away from him. I’m assuming your DP is your DSs dad, if so, he could do with stepping up again and telling her to back off YOUR (yours and his) son.

You also do not have to deal with anyone else who has a problem with you going NC. I no longer see one brother and only rarely speak to another, I have no regrets, my life is far happier without the nasty toxic misery they bring. My children have gotten over not seeing them, my youngest dosnt have a clue who they are. The only negative impact on my children would have been if I stayed in contact with them.

lastly congratulations on the weight loss, keep it up! Yesterday I tried a dress I bought last year on, it was way too tight and uncomfortable last year, yesterday 2 of my DDs raved about how good it looked on me, it was the best feeling, but not as good as knowing they won’t be growing up in a horrible toxic environment.

Then she will have to look after your son. Is she actually bothered to do all of that just so she can continue abusing you.

Also if she doesn't have grounds to take your child away from you I don't see why social services would give her the time of day. Don't give into her threat and let the bully force you to stay in this abusive relationship.

She can't take your child away op. I'd block her on everything and document it if she tries to get in touch with you. She sounds horrible. I'm sorry. I'm glad your dp and other sister are supportive.

OP your mother is a terrible mother. You don’t need that in your life. She wilL be contributing to your low self esteem. You deserve better. If you can’t cut her out then I would go extremely low contact. Well done for the weight loss you’ve had because that’s excellent. Keep going. You deserve far, far better 💐

There’s something wrong with your mum. Take steps to protect yourself and your child from her. No contact if you can do it.

Oh my God! Your Mum sounds awful and like a terrible mother. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

The shining star is that YOUR PARTNER BACKED YOU UP!" and was in your corner.

Block them and refuse to engage with them until you feel more in control/better.

My mum was the same. The biggest turning point for me was realising I don't have to listen to it. You can get up and leave. Or not see her at all

It's funny because you kind of accept it as normal and I realise now so many things that weren't normal
Like I would get up in the morning and say morning and she would ignore me, and I would spend all day wondering what I had done, how to fix it, trying to appease her. I had never done anything wrong though. Now I panic when people are quiet or don't reply to messages etc

Step away from the crazy

That’s really awful, sweetheart.
In your position I would be cutting them out of my life. However, that’s easier said than done with families. What do you want to do now?

Three words - LTB - Leave the Bitch.

As you say in your first post, she’s scapegoating you. It also sounds like she’s used her position as the mother to do this to you. I think she can’t accept that you’re a mother now and is still trying to keep control and undermine you and your role.

I would be very careful about the influence she has on your DS. Your fear is understandable but she can’t do the things she’s threatened before to keep you in line. She’s just causing you unnecessary distress

I couldn't maintain contact with someone who threatened to take my child. I would want to be as far away as possible.

If a move is something you can do then I would start working towards that but keep it to yourselves. Get some distance between you.

As your son gets older things will get harder because she will use him to hurt you. She will be funny grandma with him who turns him against you and probably undermines you at every turn.

Your DP did step up but what was he doing when you were crying before she asked him if she had said that? How does he feel about them and what's happened before?

She sounds mental.

Yes she insinuated you were fat. Yes she mocked and belittled you. Yes she was commenting on your body.

Yes, she was out of order and any right minded individual could see that she was being cruel and mocking your weight.

You're not crazy. That's exactly what she was doing and I'd have gone absolutely nuclear on her at the start.

I hope you're Ok.

If my mum had said something like that - or upset me for any reason - she’d have immediately apologised, explained she didn’t mean to offend me, given me a hug, whatever. Your mum’s reaction to her actions are completely skewed. It’s all about her isn’t it?