‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

[namechangeforthistodayy]

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

Your mum is a horrible and spiteful bitch. Never in my life would I ever say anything so nasty to anyone, let alone my child.

Don't subject yourself to such vile behaviour or allow your child to witness it. Break the cycle and allow your child to grow up without such unpleasant behaviour being normalised.

Even if she apologise you cant take away the hurt. Its unkind and unnecessary. I would stay away.

She is a nasty abusive woman, well done on losing your stone of weight 👏🏻 and I’m really pleased to hear your partner backed you up, please cut her off and don’t let your child think that way to behave is normal

Op what they said and did was absolutely not okay and you are 100% right, so do not be swayed by their manipulation.
You didn't deserve to be treated like this.
And you may be overweight ( as am I) but you can choose to lose that weight. - You have already did a stone and that amazing.-
You mum and sister will never be able to change their horrible personality's.

I wouldn’t speak to someone I didn’t like like that, let alone my own daughter. The fact she tried to turn it back round on you and not immediately apologise for upsetting you tells you all you need to know. Why does she feel it’s ok to embarrass anybody in this way, just nasty, bitchy behaviour. I would tell her to fuck right off and mean it.

OP, this is so far from normal, it’s untrue.

I don’t know anyone whose mother speaks to them like this.

I’m not one for suggesting low/no contact as it’s just not a thing in my world. But then again, I don’t know anyone with such a dysfunctional mother.

For your own mental health, I would encourage you to keep a distance from her.

All of the above. Yanbu.

I would never see her again - I realise that is easy for me to say but she sounds absolutely nuts. Was she drinking a lot?

Your mum sounds vile.

It's never ok to treat people like that, whether it's her own child, or her "friend" on Facebook.

I'd be mortified if my child was hearing that kind of language and behaviour.

Sorry that your mum treated you like that. Unfortunately my mum is the same. She frequently drops remarks about my weight into conversation. I've struggled since I had my son four and half years ago. I work full time and I am a single parent. Due to my sons bed time I can't attend the local classes or the gym and I generally feel that I am doing my best in the circumstances. My mum also knows this but she still makes the comments. She is 2 inches shorter than me and wears size 16/18 whereas I'm 18/20. I have often thought that she makes the comments as she is unhappy with her own life and own body but it doesn't stop the comments hurting. If you can try to avoid contact for a bit.I'm not saying cut her out of your life completely but just don't call her or visit her as frequently. I've confronted my mum many times and it was only when I reduced contact that she started to reduce the numbers and frequency of the comments. I doubt they will ever stop from my mum but I can hold out hope. I'm also hoping that once my son starts school in September that I can get home earlier from work and walk to collect him from wrap around care which will then give me the exercise I really need.

Your mum and sister sound absolutely vile. It is absolutely not ok to talk to anyone in that way, let alone someone they are supposed to love.

What you do is your choice. But you do not have to have a relationship with people who treat you so badly. You do need to think about what example it sets to your child to see you being treated like that.

I'm from a family like this OP. Nasty, abusive and cruel. But when it's what you've been exposed to your whole life it's hard to see it for what it is. But you have to hold onto the fact that this isn't normal behaviour, it isn't acceptable, and you don't have to tolerate it. Walk away and fill you life with kind people who build you up and enrich your life.

Your mum is super toxic, glad your partner stood up for you.

That sounds appalling. I’m sorry that anyone should ever speak or treat another person, let alone family in such an awful way.
know your worth, build up your strength and courage and never let your dc hear you be spoken to like that.

This ^

That's seriously abusive op. You don't have to put up with it just because you're family. I would ring a domestic abuse charity for advice, because this definitely counts as domestic abuse. I'm sorry.

Oh OP this was so upsetting to read. That's not how a loving family treats each other. You know that, as I'm sure you wouldn't dream of speaking to your own child like that.

You've probably lived with this nasty behavior foe so long it's become normal- but it's really not. The image of your mum and sister laughing at fat women on mobility scooters, let alone comparing them to you, it's just so nasty. Me my mum and sister are all size 10/12 and would never dream of laughing at anyone with health problems, let one our own family - that's just really shitty behaviour.

What to do about it? Honestly, I don't think you can ever have a healthy relationship with these people. That may make you sad but actually once they're no longer a constant presence in your life you'll feel a lot better. They may bring some happy moments, but it's not worth the nastiness and bullying.

If you've got some money, get some therapy, or read up about toxic relationships and understand how you've been affected by them.

Go very low contact with them, the bare minimum, and invest your energy in your own family instead.

You'll be absolutely fine

Op I dunno if it's worth it but I'd seriously send dm and sister this thread and all the responses then go NC, what a pair of hideous bullies.

And for your mum to start shouting at you re home truths and to get out if her house... wtaf

Um, they are abusers. I am so sorry. You definitely need to reduce contact right down. Horrible. Avoid these people. They're toxic.

I don't think that is a good idea @bubblegum- OP will be accused of telling lies to the whole world about the family (they won't accept her version of events), and they won't take anything on board.

Better to take a big step back

She said everything but fat! In a court of law she would lose. I'm sorry but your mother does not love you nor respect you. I suggest you go no contact with her and your sister.

Cut this fucking lunatic out of your life. It will be the best decision you could possibly make.

Of course you will be upset. Your mother sounds vile. Get a backbone and tell her to keep her opinions to herself.