‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

[namechangeforthistodayy]

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

Wow the way they spoke to you and treated you was awful. It really was disgusting. Hold your head up high and be proud of your weigh loss achievement ans all your other achievements. They all took a lot of work and effort. Dont let them belittle you. Remember people can only treat you how you allow them to treat you. So dont take it any more. You are better than that. Dont let them put you down. It sounds like they are used to arguments. Sometimes silence is louder than. Go easy on yourself.

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protect your child from these toxic abusive people

Ignore her threats! She won’t get you son… what can she do? If she reports you to social services you invite them out and show them what an awesome mum you are! If she threatens you or hassles you I’d literally call police and report her for harassment ! She can’t take your son and it’s terrible that you have been conditioned so much by this vile woman that you actually think she has that power!!
put house on market and move miles away!!

Poor you . ..you must KNOW this is not normal loving behaviour from a mother and don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you over-reacted. Any normal person who upset someone inadvertently, would apologise and feel bad. Sounds totally toxic. Maybe stay away for a bit and then see how you feel about any further contact with them. Well done on your weigh loss ! Why not try joining an online support group - it will show you that there are kind helpful people out there. !

Nect time she tries to talk to you tell her that until she apologises it and never comments on it again she will not have access to your life , her gramdchildren and you will not be visiting. Tell her her comments were unwarranted , hurtful , cruel and unacceptable & that the way she humiliated you in front of everyone was not acceptable either. And your sister joining in was just the same. Tell herif she wished to be a cruel , harsh unloving bully she can do it to someone else and you don't want your kids exposed to her nasty belittling comments about her own daughter , especially if they are girls. This is not the way loving family treat other loving family even if it was well intented . You "don't receive it" and that all she achieved was pushing you and your family away , humiliating you and making a spectacle of herself and that you don't trust it not to happen again . I know from my experience, if this was a friend I would have cut her off , mid sentence with a sharp & sarcastic "Oh, Thanks!" & walked away. I've cut friends off for less.
Ok to be concerned re weight & express it (not because you are less of a person , or are any less somehow or any less attractive) in a gentle manner , tactfully.. Not OK to do this to you by any means, much less in front of others.

Next grandchildren& apologies for any other typos above *!

P.S. she won't "get your son". I worked in that field. Social services prerogative is to keep a kud with their birth family as they believe thats best for them . If he has asd that is even more reason to stay with you as they like routine & sameness & itd be too distressing for him. Look up the symptoms of necessary, its a huge 1...
Social services habe bigger fish to fry than a parent who parents perfectĺy well. She can throw accusations , sure, but they'll be properly investigated and then shutdown .
Also , if she turns up , don't open the door.
Maybe even call the police if necessary. That'll get the message across loud and clear that her behaviour is unhinged. Next time if she gets a chance say loudly "your opinions on my weight are not wanted , and the example you are setting your 13 yo as an older woman , in a world where women are valued by beauty , when they are so much more , is frankly quite frightening. I hope you are proud. I am ending this conversation now. And if you want to have a relationship with me or any of your grandkids, this stops now mum. I don't care what you think of my weight just that your behaviour is unacceptable and hurtful. "

She knew exactly what she was saying, and is gaslighting rather than apologising. They should have all piped down when they realised you were getting upset.

That being said, and I say this as someone very fat also (yes a sufferer of PCOS and other health issues that impact my weight, as well as liking food a bit too much) and roughly the same age as you, that it entirely depends on your family dynamic. There are many families that can rip the piss out of each other, and not bat an eyelid, and it's their normal. I'm sure I'll horrify a few pearl clutchers with this, but my mother and I laugh together about how we're fat, or will call each other names. We've definitely told each other we'll need a scooter soon (even though it's not true). If your family have dynamics similar, it could be that they thought you were genuinely laughing along and not actually upset, and then suddenly seemed to turn.

I couldn't get sensitive about my weight around my own family, I'm fat, it's a fact. It is what it is. If my mother told me I was huge, in malice or not, I'd just retort that she's old as fuck, or wrinkley as a bawbag etc. I really can't help but think here that you need to stand up for yourself a bit better, at your age, if you were upset. And perhaps to not be so sensitive of being fat. It's just a body state. It's not the end of the world.

That being said, I'm NOT victim blaming. They should have stopped when you were upset, and apologised. And, if you're not the type of family to banter like this, then I can't help but think this was genuine malice - was it? In which case, cut her off. The comments about her having your child removed from you, would be enough to have me cut her off, to be honest.

As for the siblings in their teens, maybe they also are nasty pieces of work, or maybe their social skills are undeveloped, and coupled with the example set by your mother, weren't being malicious, but misjudged.

Its hard to say without knowing full family dynamics, only you'll know that. If they meant genuine harm, then just cut them out. But it all sounds a bit OTT and awkward as fuck for your partner.

Actually, ignore the above post. Reacting in anger and spite sounds good at the moment but won't work on the clueless and will just make you feel bad.

Just think those things without saying them.

Get rid! Life is too short for this shit.

Your mum is vile. Absolutely vile. You absolutely need to get her out of your life. In your shoes I'd move a very long way away from her and have no contact at all, or with anyone else who supports her disgusting abusive behaviour.

Op you poor thing.
Weight can be changed but a stinking attitude like that can’t.
I am so sorry they have treated you like this

You realise... if you were thin, she'd still say nasty shit. If you lose the weight to where you're happy, she will still say nasty things.

This is nothing to do with weight - this is to do with her being a vicious nasty cow who makes herself feel good by making you feel bad.
The better you do for yourself, the happier you are, the worse she will be.

Stop subjecting yourself and your child to these bullies.

OP, your Mum would have no grounds to ever have custody of your son.

She is saying this to permanently control you and so far, it’s worked.
What does your DP say about her?

Cut contact for your own mental health and well-being.

It's said that you can choose your friends but not your family. Yours is absolutely shit and the best thing you can do is cut all ties and move on.They're never going to change.

Hi I hope you are still reading your replies. Please send me a PM as I've been where you are .. we can chat if you would like.

Your mum sounds very much like mine. As hard as it may be I cut off virtually ALL contact with her about 2 years ago. I still send her a birthday and christmas card, but other than that I don't speak to her at all. I honestly feel so much better for doing this, both mentally and physically. You honestly don't need that amount of toxicity in your life. Hope you're ok

Never cross her door again. She is vile.

Your Mum sounds like a right Bitch. I bet she was pissed off when your partner took your part. I would go NC if I were you.

Interesting drip feed that your sister is only 13.
Dont we all say horrendous shit at that age. She crossed a line for sure! And she hurt you. Also true.

Your mum is beyond mutters that she joined your sister though . Like what the fuck?!

But I think this all runs deeper than them calling you "big". You know you are
And the word big is the same as being called fat
Only since the last years people have started to use the words big and curvy. But not for big nor curvy women. But for actual fat and obese women.
So yeah it might sounds nicer to be called big
But the hurt is in the fact that you know you are fat. And that you haven't been able to get yourself to loose the weight

Easy way to loose the weight is to cut ties with your mum. Even if it is just temporary. And get therapy for why you feel so unhappy . Pnd is long behind you so no longer a valid reason. And having an kid should make you want to be more healthy now more than ever. Maybe especially as you say he has difficulties. .choose a better life op.
More good food , more mental health help. Less family drama and more sticking up for yourself
You are not a victim you are strong. And if not then you'll have to learn quickly. Life is hard. You need to adapt to the now .
Go find your sis and talk to her. Tell her how she made you feel
And this is not how you want things to go forward. That she owes you an apology.

Same with your mum.

You will feel relieve
And then it is time to look forward. You are incontrol of your life. Of your choices of your destiny. No one can make you happy but you. So choose you. Pick you. Be your better self and be a better mum and person for it. X

You know what. Your sis is a bitch. But you go and tell her that. Not in those words. But set her straight
Stick up for yourself. No one else will. Tell her. You might be able to talk things through

Your 'mother' sounds unhinged. It would seem she's teaching your younger siblings that it's ok to ridicule and bully you as well as bullying and ridiculing you to your face. Nice parenting skills...not!! Thank goodness your partner stood up for you at the time as well OP.

You've done nothing wrong but stand up for yourself. That's what she doesn't like. I can pretty much guarantee that she won't like you taking positive steps towards a healthier life either or the stone you've lost as it will be noticeable. She'll be jealous that you're taking control of something important to you that she can't interfere with.

She can't take your son away from you. She's deranged if she thinks that.

And huge well done for finding the time and making the effort to improve life for yourself. It's not easy.

It would seem she's teaching your younger siblings that it's ok to ridicule and bully you as well as bullying and ridiculing you to your face. Nice parenting skills...not!!
My guess is that the younger siblings understand instinctively/implicitly that if they don't participate in the bullying this will be interpreted as disloyalty by their mother and they will be punished in some way, it might be a subtle punishment but they will know that they are out of favor.
It might be helpful to see the behavior of the younger siblings as them attempting to placate/fawn over their mother in order to stay in her favor, keep on her good side etc