I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

I hope you're now looking into strategies for temper control and de-escalation that you can use in the future so that you don't assault your child again. You can then model these to your daughter so she can learn them too. You can't teach skills you don't possess and I'm sure you don't want your daughter pinching and hitting people when she gets angry.

If so, good. You absolutely fucked up but you're truly remorseful and will do better in future.

If not, might as well get the thread deleted because it will have only two purposes: the masochistic hope that you'll get a kicking so you can feel you've paid your dues without doing the actual hard work on yourself, or the hope that you'll be told it's not so bad really.

Well done for taking responsibility for your actions.

I really do think you ought to be honest and tell her dad what's happened. Don't make it a secret. Then she will feel more secure that it won't ever happen again. Plus, I don't know what you're relationship with him is like but if he finds out at a later date he will very likely be furious (I would!). Better to tell him now.

Anyone would think so the way you're defending the assault of a child, calling others children "feral" because we say we would never smack them, calling it hysteria because the normal ones among us agree that this would be a completely different ball game if a male had done this to a child!

You think it's okay? Really, deep down?

Everyone does?

I don't slap, pinch and swear at my child.

Ask a room full of wife beaters whether they think it’s fine to knock about their spouses, and see how many hands go up.

the fact the OP did it knowing it’s not okay just makes it worse

If someone has accidentally hit their child because they were being violent then I would sort of get it and understand that people can snap (not that it makes it ok).

But this wasn’t a parent at boiling point.

OP was annoyed that DD took her earrings out and then was crying because it was hurting when OP was trying to re-pierce them.

You do not abuse someone for taking their earrings out.

So you pinched your child? Smacked her? Then swore at her?

Then left her at home and drove off for 10 minutes and returned and still not speaking to her.

She's 10. This is way too much for just not putting her earrings in. YOU had her ears pierced. YOUR responsibility. She's 10, a primary school child.

Jesus.

Go and apologise, speak to her. It's not up to her to break the silence. She's a child and you lost it. Not ok. Sort it out and sort yourself out.

Please don't beat yourself up! If it helps, one time when I was being a teenage brat, my usually very calm Mum lost her temper and threw a wooden placemat at me, which unfortunately left a good bruise! We laugh about it now!! I know I was being awful and she's only human x no love lost x

You're making it worse by not talking to her.
She's right that it wasn't her fault - she was told to take them out, your anger should be directed at the dance teacher or whoever it was.
You should be apologising, and letting her watch TV.
We've all lost our temper with our kids

I’ve only read the first page so sorry if this has been asked, but could anything be going on with you if you’re usually calm and don’t lose your temper? Because this sounds like a HUGE overreaction out of nowhere if you’ve had a nice day and are usually very mild.

Pregnancy, menopause etc?

Too damn true.

Every abuser justifies it with "they just made me so angry" and minimises it as not a big deal.

I've definitely sworn when my child has been kicking/biting/pinching/throwing things at me. And like OP, when I've dealt with unwanted behaviour badly, I hate myself for it. We all wish we were perfect.

I've never been so shocked and disgusted by some of the replies to threads as I am right now.

"Well done OP" well done for apologising after you assaulted your Daughter. I guess you'd all say well done to a man who hit his wife but apologised afterwards and bought her a McDonald's?

"Give her a cuddle" I wouldn't want anyone who'd pinched, hit and sworn at me anywhere near me!

All of you excusing this are disgusting.

We all make mistakes and snap (I've done it before) when pushed and children definitely know how to push those buttons.

All you can do is apologise to your daughter and explain that you lost your temper and you shouldn't have done it. That will help to put it behind you both and she will learn that parents aren't perfect. We all mess up from time to time.

If it makes you feel better, I hold no resentment towards my mum for slapping me so hard on my leg that she actually left a hand imprint. She won't hold it against you.

Our understanding is obviously different.
The original post said.
OP stopped trying to put earrings in , DD was screaming whilst she was trying.
OP stayed quiet but told DD no McDonalds. OP said ‘she then started screaming and crying again’ . So she’d stopped and then started again.
I wasn’t saying she wasn’t also upset by earringgate.

So she did lose it over not going to McDonalds. If OP had taken her DD wouldn’t have started screaming and crying again.

As I therefore said….our understanding is obviously different.

Oh dear. You lost it. Of course it was a bad thing to do and sadly your daughter will remember it forever. As long as it was a one off then I'd try to learn from it. As she's 10 I think you can be very frank with her. Explain that you lost control, that you feel awful, that you realise how wrong it was, how serious it was. Take full responsibility. It doesn't matter that she was playing up. You're the adult.
I'm known as being an exceptionally calm parent (even though one of my children would test the patience of a saint!) but I lost it once. Husband working abroad, kids running riot. We were running late for an appointment and they were refusing to get ready. I was getting more and more stressed but they kept laughing and running away from me. My daughter got on to the sofa to escape me so I grabbed her arm and yanked her off the sofa. I meant to pull her firmly but I was sooo angry I pulled her with incredible force and she flew off the sofa on to the floor. She burst in to tears with the shock. I couldn't believe it! I really didn't intend to use that much force but when you're angry you sometimes don't know your own strength. She was 5 at the time now 12. I assumed she'd forgotten all about it but she brought it up recently saying how shocked she was. Children don't forget these things.
Just own it (as they say) and ensure it never happens again.

For reasons still very unclear to me we haven't made the physical abuse of children illegal in this country yet if it is due to reasonable punishment or some utter crap along those lines. I absolutely agree that if you were a man who had hit his wife or child everyone would be telling you to leave the bastard and he won't change. This has to be a turning point for you OP. I also don't entirely believe that you have never lost your shit before especially due to the cause of your anger in this case. Either you agree with everyone telling you that it is nothing, or you take stock and act to try and understand your rage in this situation and attempt to see it from the point of view of a 10 year old, vulnerable child.

If smacking/hitting is a perfectly valid action or a part of discipline, why can't a teacher smack a child?

Highly unlikely! I've worked in this area for years and these are not the families that we work with only a daily basis. All of the academic research in this area would agree with my experience too.

I was regularly hit as a child and honestly it never affected my relationship with my parents long term, nor was I particularly frightened of them. This is in no way to say that hitting is ok, because it absolutely isn’t, but just to balance out those posters saying they never forgave their parents for hitting them, or that it affected them for ages afterwards. I have an amazing relationship with both my parents despite this,

Go and have a chat with your daughter. Tell you are sorry and that you lost control and you absolutely shouldn’t have. Sometimes it helps kids to see that mums and dads are just people and do also make mistakes.
If you ever feel your anger rise again, remember how you feel right now.
I hope you are both ok.

Given what happened happened, what do you think the OP should do?

At 10, I think it's ok to have a conversation about why you reacted as you did, talk it through, make sure she knows you love her whatever and explain that sometimes parents do things they'd rather not have done. Don't send her anywhere else, work it through. Situations like this will arise time and time again, especially in her teen years. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you human. Learn from it, think about how you will handle similar situations in the future and move on. it's also qn opportunity to explain to her that sometimes we all handle things badly, we need to reflect, talk it through and move on.

This TEN MILLION PERCENT

I agree. Mumsnet double standards at their finest in this thread.

It is disgusting minimising what the OP has done.