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Original poster

I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

486 replies

micpop · 01/05/2023 18:37

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:36

@PaperwhiteTheGhost well if i was screaming in your face repeatedly i would be more surprised if you didn't react!

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 19:36

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:30

I was born in a generation that were smacked by our parents and was most certainly not scarred for life by it! I don't hold it against my parents nor do i have huge psychological trauma because of it! There is a massive difference between a smack ( for a very good reason) now and again and child abuse! Its a shame so many people can't tell the difference and proceed to guilt trip a mother who is clearly struggling and knows she over reacted and asks for help!

It obviously has affected you if it has made you such a bad parent.

A smack for good reason is one thing but there was no good reason to smack in this instance.

I personally do not agree with smacking and feel sorry for you if you think it’s acceptable for your DH to smack you when you’ve done something wrong.

But in this instance DD didn’t do anything wrong so absolutely did not deserve a smack, whether you agree with smacking or not.

3WildOnes · 01/05/2023 19:36

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:12

Imo all the hysteria on here about a minor incident just goes to show why there are so many feral children with absolutely zero respect for anyone else roaming about these days!

I work with troubled families. The kind of 'feral' children you are talking about. The parents who are slapping and pinching their children are the exact families I work with.

LobsterBiscuit · 01/05/2023 19:36

Wtf. Why are people calling her a brat?

You failed to plaster over her earrings for dancing, then painfully forced them into her ears. You went stony silent except for telling her she'd be punished with no McDonald's (for doing absolutely nothing). You pinched and slapped her and then left her alone upset after driving away for "ten minutes".

Fucking hell. Have a word with yourself, that's fucking horrible. Your daughter is not a brat and I'm glad you've said sorry but I can't believe some of these replies.

AllOfThemWitches · 01/05/2023 19:36

My dad slapped me once because i was being a little shit. I was never scared of him for it, never traumatised and as an adult, am aware he is only human and lost his shit that one time.

Modaboutyou · 01/05/2023 19:37

I'm sorry but there is a lot of minimizing on this thread. OP, you were absolutely in the wrong and you know that. This wasn't a 'seeing red' moment - your DD was asked to remove her earrings and did what she was told. You overreacted by punishing her with no McDonalds, again not her fault.
You need to apologize and take full responsibility - regardless of your DD's actions hitting is never acceptable.

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:37

@ShowUs I would say that four successful, well balanced children who are fantastic adults says that i am far from a bad parent!

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/05/2023 19:38

bellac11 · 01/05/2023 18:43

This

But the rest of the thread will label you worse than a serial killer and there will be mention of police/social services/assault

I would delete the thread now, calm yourself down, forgive yourself and get on with the rest of your life.

Show quote history

This OP

willstarttomorrow · 01/05/2023 19:38

So for all those berating the OP here on this thread and telling her what an awful parent she is (which she already gets) what are you hoping to achieve? The incident was absolutely not okay- an adult took their frustration out on a 10 year old and their actions were a loss of control and totally not acceptable. It has happened, nothing will change that. The most important thing going forward is that OP has insight, accepts her actions, restores their relationship and works to avoid anything similar in the future. The fact that there is lots of abuse/neglect/deprivation happening to children in the UK which no one really seems to get that worked up about or wants properly funded is the big scandal. I say this as a frontline social worker for nearly 2 decades.

elm26 · 01/05/2023 19:38

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:37

@ShowUs I would say that four successful, well balanced children who are fantastic adults says that i am far from a bad parent!

What a shame that you had to assault them in order for them to be well balanced adults.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 01/05/2023 19:38

ladydimitrescu · 01/05/2023 19:16

They may be, but you absolutely are not.

Show quote history

Or they're all nice and balanced after years of therapy...

depre · 01/05/2023 19:39

I actually think it's an awful lesson to tech your child this is ok and can be fixed with a sorry and a McDonald's. Abusive behaviour is something we should be teaching our children never to accept. I think you need to show her you are getting help for your anger because what you did was extreme for the circumstances. If you want to be a good parent to her use this as an opportunity to teach her never to accept violence, that people can do wrong things and get help to become better people.

Sorry and some fries? Just teaching her to accept abuse.

thedancingbear · 01/05/2023 19:39

The OP’s actions are abusive. It’s never acceptable for an adult to assault a child in anger. Never.

the victim-blaming posts saying it wasn’t so bad because the OP was pushed to the limit etc. are unforgivable.

there are no grey areas where domestic violence between adults and children are concerned.

AllOfThemWitches · 01/05/2023 19:39

And OP clearly doesn't agree with smacking. She is beating herself up. I've come close to smacking my child when he's being violent (he's autistic), not because I believe it's an effective punishment but because I'm at fucking boiling point.

M340 · 01/05/2023 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Me too.

You have behaved disgustingly OP. To pinch and slap and swear at your 10 year old for doing as she has been told at dance to take her earrings out.

Shameful. Vile. And for everybody defending or excusing her behaviour, shame on you too.

I was smacked as a kid, only a handful of times. But the one time that has stayed with me forever is being pinched on my arm at 7 years old.

This'll stay with her. Great job OP.
Round of applause for not losing it until she's 10 too. Well done.

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 19:40

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:37

@ShowUs I would say that four successful, well balanced children who are fantastic adults says that i am far from a bad parent!

Yes of course they are 🙄

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:40

@3WildOnes well having done a job doing similar I would disagree with you! The worst that I worked with were the very middle class children who's mummy and daddy's didn't really "do" any form of discipline! They were utterly vile children who spoke to other children and also adults like they were shit on their shoes as well as being awful little bullies.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 01/05/2023 19:40

ilovebagpuss · 01/05/2023 18:47

Don't wait or send her away. Go in now and apologise say you are sorry you lost your temper and pinched her leg/swore.
It wasn't her fault she was made to take them out but I can see why it pushed your buttons. Just be honest and say you are really upset about your actions but that she also should not scream and shout at you.
It sounds like she is too young to look after her ears I would leave it now unless she pays when she is older or has them as a birthday gift.
Kids need to see us apologise and also understand we can make mistakes.
She will want a big hug and chat but if you don't do that now it will all build up to more than it is.

This. So well put.

thedancingbear · 01/05/2023 19:41

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:37

@ShowUs I would say that four successful, well balanced children who are fantastic adults says that i am far from a bad parent!

Four well adjusted adult children who think it’s fine to wallop their kids when they’re angry, I should imagine.

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:42

@elm26 please remind me of where i said that I actually smacked them?

SorePaw · 01/05/2023 19:42

AllOfThemWitches · 01/05/2023 19:39

And OP clearly doesn't agree with smacking. She is beating herself up. I've come close to smacking my child when he's being violent (he's autistic), not because I believe it's an effective punishment but because I'm at fucking boiling point.

@AllOfThemWitches

yes, but all this child did was take her earrings out for a dance class as she was told to by the teacher.

I bet it takes one hell of a lot more for you to get to boiling point and that you would not PINCH your child, then slap them, swear at them & drive away from them.

the kids is 10 & did as she was told by her teacher.

Emmamoo89 · 01/05/2023 19:43

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:12

Imo all the hysteria on here about a minor incident just goes to show why there are so many feral children with absolutely zero respect for anyone else roaming about these days!

Yep agree with this!

Flyingsparks · 01/05/2023 19:43

Don’t beat yourself up OP- you made a mistake. Everyone does.

from your DDs perspective, she probably feels a real injustice- she was made to take her earrings out by teacher and then got into trouble about it with you.

I would apologise ( at least your daughter will learn how to own her mistakes and learn from them if you role model it) Let her know that you made a mistake and you love her very much.

TokyoSushi · 01/05/2023 19:43

Your behaviour was terrible OP.

That aside, just to say that if you dip the earrings in some savlon cream, they'll pop right back in.

Everything else is preset dreadful though.

IchVersteheNicht · 01/05/2023 19:43

bumgripes · 01/05/2023 19:35

It will be okay OP. Don’t listen to all the posters sticking the knife in. Apologise and repair as PP have suggested.

fwiw my parents were genuinely explosive and unsafe and did this sort of thing all the time and consequently I would never have kicked off like your daughter did. I would have been too frightened to. She’s confident enough to be a bit of a brat and that’s a testament to how safe you generally make her feel. It won’t necessarily be a terrible thing if she learns that she can’t always rely on other people’s self-control. Learning to read other people is an important life skill.

What bit about following your dance teachers instructions to take your earrings out makes this girl a brat?

Fuck off validating child abuse.

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