I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

[micpop]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

@micpop I haven’t red the whole thread so apologies if this has already been suggested but now everyone has calmed down I’d think about asking her if she wants to let her ears heal or have another gentle go at getting the earrings back in. Try using an ice cube at the back of the lobe (front too if that’s where the scabs are, then hold the lobe really firmly and very gently try to put the earrings back in. If they won’t go in or she’s distressed obviously stop but after just a few hours they haven’t healed over.

I slapped my DS really hard when he was 12. I still feel bad but by god he pressed my buttons that day. He’s forgiven me 😍.

What exactly should her daughter apologise for?
Taking her earrings out when instructed?
Crying because it was sore when they were being forced back in?
Crying because she was punished for following instructions?

She has zero need to apologise. Entitled nightmare? Shame on you, honestly.

Op, how are you coping generally with life at the moment?

Your poor daughter. She was told to remove her earrings for class. Not her fault. Her ears did not scab in one day. You must really have been hurting her putting them in, why you had to do them in the car is beyond me. The pinching and hitting is awful and sorry but if it was a dad who did this to their child people would be screaming that it should be reported.

Op you are the adult in this situation and entirely in the wrong. You need to apologise to your daughter but be prepared for her not to accept it. Also be prepared for her to tell the school and ss involvement.

You need to seek help to deal with your anger.

I was born in a generation that were smacked by our parents and was most certainly not scarred for life by it! I don't hold it against my parents nor do i have huge psychological trauma because of it! There is a massive difference between a smack ( for a very good reason) now and again and child abuse! Its a shame so many people can't tell the difference and proceed to guilt trip a mother who is clearly struggling and knows she over reacted and asks for help!

That's good OP. Don't listen to the doom merchants with the finger-wagging "she'll never forget this" stuff. A lot of projecting going on here.
Reconcile, talk and learn from it. You have to sort your anger out.
And ffs don't get her ears pierced again until she's much older.

@kethuphouse
@TrashyPanda

How was the DD being a brat exactly??

Children often can feel a great sense of injustice when they feel like adults are blaming them for something that isn't their fault. If she was told to remove her earrings, I can understand why she'd feel it was unfair to be told off for it. As for being 'over dramatic' I wonder if this is something she's accused of? Heard from other adults? Maybe? Maybe not, just putting it out there as children often parrot back things things that have been said to them.

My advice would be to apologise. Don't mention the earrings or try and justify anything. Just a very simple apology. Admit you lost control of your emotions and you're sorry about it. Tell her that you'll never do it again. Children are forgiving little things and you're her mum and she loves you. At the end of the day, you can't unring a bell, but you can hold your hands up and take accountability for your part.

As for the earrings. I'd gently soak a cotton pad in warm water and gently wipe the lobes to remove any crusted blood and then, if you have some suducrem or similar, I'd put that on the lobes and then try inserting the earrings again (sterilise the earrings first).

This really upset me because my mum was like that with me particularly from the tween years on - but she never apologised or owned her mistakes. It sadly broke down the trust between us over the years and we barely speak now. I think if you want a good relationship with your daughter you will have to handle things very differently from now on

I haven’t RTFT. But it’s no bad thing for the op to hear the same thing many times over here, I don’t think.

@PuffinPuffinPenguin

Yes, after I posted. Funnily enough I don't have a time machine to revise my post that I posted before she returned. My question still stands. Because she's got more balls than me coming back to all these people who have said that she cocked up (which she owns that she did).

Right I'm not sure what your problem is as it turns out I was wrong anyway, but yes if i post a thread I do return to it.

I was a bit dubious earlier; that's all.

@depre good point! Let's hope no child was actually harmed to prompt this thread.

The earrings is hardly a big deal just don't pay for them to be pierced again.
The not getting a McDonald's seemed over the top punishment especially if she had been told to remove the earrings...it's not her fault is it?

We have all done less than ideal parenting things and this will be a blip, op. I can imagine you do feel awful especially if you are the type to be calm usually.
I think you just need to apologise for it. Hope she apologises for her part too.

Why did you pinch her? That's more sadistic than a slap?

You were the brat. You don't hurt children - it's not rocket science! She will remember this vile behaviour.

Oh of course. How jolly convenient.

You lost it and made a mistake. You’re human. It happens. You sound like a great mum generally (judging by how upset you are over this) and I promise you that your daughter will not be scarred for life because of this one event. If you were to make a habit of it, or if you thought your behaviour was fine, that would be a whole other story. One slap doesn’t make a terrible mother, but terrible mothers are often abusive…….this is why posts like yours always get so much abuse.
Talk to your dd. Make up. Apologise for losing it and move on.

I'm really not seeing where PP's are getting brat from? The adult in charge of her dance class told her to take them out, an adult I'd be willing to bet she has been told to listen too, so she does as asked and unfortunately that leads to the piercings closing up so the jewellery can't be put back in, which hurts, so she cries. She is then punished for doing as she's told and points out, quite rightly I might add, that it wasn't her fault and that her mother is being dramatic, her mother then pinches, slaps and swears at her. And the child is being a brat? This site is bizarre sometimes.

I can see from OP's update that she has resolved the situation and has followed advice so hopefully they can move forward.

Cool. I'll come and pinch and slap you then, since it's so minor.

That's good. Exactly what you should do. You said all the right things, now make sure you show her with actions too. This should never happen again. If you ever feel the red mist approaching again, you need to take some time/space and calm down. Remember this moment. Remember your priorities. Remember that you are the parent and she is the child. Then you can have a conversation when you've self regulated and are in control again.

I'm sorry but I absolutely disagree with everybody saying it's not the end of the world, it'll be okay, it's not unforgivable.

You have pinched and slapped a 10 year old child for taking her earrings out when she was TOLD to do so by presumably her dance teacher.

So no, it wasn't her fault. Sometimes a reflex response is to hit or push away but to PINCH and then slap her, wasn't a typical 'I saw red and lashed out.'

I think you've behaved fucking disgustingly and I feel so sorry for your poor child. It wasn't even her fault. Punishing her by not going to McDonald's was enough.

You've done all you can do now, OP. You just need to hope she can forget it.

I'd take some serious thinking time over what made you react this way and get some help with it, because you can't do this ever again.

"I was born in a generation where bla bla bla"

Kids also got the cane at school, would you like to bring that back? How about food rationing? No electric in the house? Sharing a bath between 6 of you?

I'd hate to have a Mum like you.

It will be okay OP. Don’t listen to all the posters sticking the knife in. Apologise and repair as PP have suggested.

fwiw my parents were genuinely explosive and unsafe and did this sort of thing all the time and consequently I would never have kicked off like your daughter did. I would have been too frightened to. She’s confident enough to be a bit of a brat and that’s a testament to how safe you generally make her feel. It won’t necessarily be a terrible thing if she learns that she can’t always rely on other people’s self-control. Learning to read other people is an important life skill.

Well done for the relationship repair. My dps were firm beliebers in never admitting they were wrong and I think that goes more damage than losing control.

You know that the slapping, pinching, driving off was wrong. But the problems started further back than that.

It’s incredibly hard to parent differently than we were raised because under stress it’s natural to revert. I need to read parenting blogs and listen to podcasts to keep a different mindset front and centre. I have to keep topping up my reserves.

When the big emotions calm
down, take a look at where your supports and stressors are and what can be done fill up your reserves so you’re not so close to the edge.

It’s not the end of the world, explain to her why you done what you done and that her actions upset you.
But stick to your guns about the ear piercing, don’t give in and pay again because of this incident. She may have learnt that you do have a breaking point.