I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

I am not going to echo others and say this is ok, because it is not. It is absolutely atrocious behaviour and I really think you need to seek help for your anger. The slap is bad enough, but pinching is a nasty, vicious act.

Your child did what she was told in class and you punished her for it. It was bad enough you got annoyed, but you decided to re pierce her ears, with dirty earrings in a car, rather than following any basic sanitation for dealing with wounds. She was upset, weirdly enough, so you got angry with her.

You punished her further, totally without cause and when she was upset, you assaulted her twice.

If I were her father, I would go to town with this. Social services, police, seeking to have custody.

You need to apologise to her, without blaming her or pulling any type of gaslighting shit. You are at fault. She is not at fault. Do not victim blame when you apologise.

If it genuinely, "came from nowhere", that's no excuse and you should seek anger management

It’s sounds very extreme to go from a normally calm parent having a good day to losing your shit over a non event. I’m definitely not a calm parent but I’ve never slapped my kids. Are you going through the menopause? Or could there be any other physical cause that might need looking at?

I have diabetes and it felt like the beginning of a hypo to me, but I checked my bloods when home and they were normal. That's the only think I can think of. I'm 29 so not menopause

Agreed...that really will hurt.
Surely they ought not to have been taken out, if they are just studs.

Definitely talk to your daughter, OP, explain, and say you were out of order, but it's hard sometimes as a single parent, it's far easier with the partner/husband on the actual scene, as one can clear off to calm down.

But this child wasn’t exhibiting any of those behaviours. The parent was.

I'm sorry but I don't see how your daughter was being a brat?
She took out the earrings because her teacher told her too and you got mad.
You tried to force them in and she cried because it hurt.
You shouted at her and punished her and she cried because it wasn't her fault (which is wasn't) and tried to make you stop shouting because she was scared and upset.
You owe her a massive apology in my book, and I'm wondering what made you so angry over something so small and if you can work on it? What is making you so unnecessarily angry at a innocent ten year old girl?
I'm usually very sympathetic but I just can't be here.
We all make mistakes but you've got to put the work in now to repair.

This thread is depressing in that so many posters are so judgemental, quick to tell the OP what a bad parent she is and offer no practical advice. As a CP social worker of far too many years- all parents have a breaking point. Every parent has lost it with their child, it usually is not be physical, lots get a bit too drunk when caring for their kids etc. We just do not know about it. OP has over stepped the mark, she knows that. Comparing her to a 'wife beater' or saying that of it was a man frankly shows ignorance.

What OP has done is not okay. She knows that. If her child says something in school then it will probably result in a social work assessment which will most likely close if it is a one off and there are no other concerns. As a social worker I would undertake a couple of direct work sessions during the assessment around managing behaviour, although I am under increasing pressure to do one visit and close these days. This is because as a social work team we have gone from 10 to 6. We cover from assessment to end of proceedings so do not assess and pass on. The area we cover has also been changed from locality based to covering a huge area of our city (one in four duty rota) because they disbanded a team. And post covid and due to government cuts support services no longer exist. Reality of working with the most vulnerable in our society.

You've done everything right to repair the damage from what's been done. This is the first time it's ever happened, something triggered you. Try to work out the trigger to prevent it happening again. Your daughter will likely remember it but will also remember your apology, your taking responsibility and accountability for your actions, and remember that's not ok for someone to treat her like that.

Oh fgs give the OP a break. OP, you snapped, so apologise and move on. Anyone who hasn’t been in that situation - well, good for you. It’s despicable to pile on to a mum who is feeling so bad about a one-off incident that she’s posted here.

She was being a brat and you saw red.

I think anyone who says they wouldn't of lost their nerve here is lying.

I’m more concerned about the welfare of the child.

Would you say the same if it was a man posting?

At a 10 year old who called me out for overreacting when I was overreacting? It scares me that people who think this child deserved it are allowed to be parents.

Nothing to do with a "hypo", just a grown adult losing their temper and assaulting their child imo. I'm sorry but that's exactly what it is.

You're 29, a grown adult, and responsible for your behaviour.

Forgive yourself but let this be the very last time something like this happens.

I'm sure there will be many posters on here whose children's piercings have unintentionally healed, and who haven't responded by pinching or slapping their children.

I agree. The dynamic between partners is completely different from the parent and child dynamic. There are lots of things you wouldn't do to a partner but you would do to a child and vice versa. The two aren't comparable.

Certainly don't report yourself for anything! You have been honest and I think you realise your reaction was not normal.

However, it's the posters minimising it which really shocks me. Comments along the lines of she deserved it, this happens to all of us. It doesn't. The day I get to this point I would most definitely question myself and my anger.

I've wanted to scream at my kids sometimes. I've said things which are unfair. It's never reached the point I'd lay a finger on them or want to cause them pain. I think this is what you should focus on.

Children are MORE vulnerable to abuse than adults. That's exactly why social services don't let children stay in abusive households.

Im not lying when I tell you that never would have happened to me and DD, let alone got bad enough for punishments and pain.

OP tried to put earrings in ears that had scans over the back. Understandably her child was upset, it was sore. That should have been the end of it. There was no need for OP to react in any way other than to comfort her child at that point.

OP, I think if you are truly sorry for how you have behaved, you need to seek some sort of professional help first thing in the morning.
I personally don't agree with any sort of physical punishment towards children, but I could maybe be more sympathetic if it was a quick smack in the heat of the moment if your child was being physically or verbally aggressive. But this is on another level entirely. Trying to force her earrings back in when she was screaming in pain, pinching her, slapping her, and then driving off leaving her alone, is not heat of the moment, and was unnecessarily cruel.

Something must have triggered such an extreme response to a non event where your child was simply following instructions given to her by another adult. I dread to think what you might do if she was genuinely very badly behaved.

You really need to understand why you behaved this way if you're to stop it happening again.

So you had her at 19? That's pretty young. Do you think maybe you saw something of young 'you' in her and panicked?

What was your upbringing like?

All the people saying it's terrible and unforgettable - what do you think the OP should do, put her daughter into care?

She's admitted that what she did was unacceptable and sought to make amends. Of course you shouldn't pinch and slap a child, the OP knows that. That's why she's upset. Just make sure it never ever happens again OP and I think you'll be ok.

I am disgusted at the responses on this thread. OP’s DD was not being a brat; it’s not her fault she was told to take out her earrings for dance. Of course forcing them back in was going to hurt and she had every right to say no to that - then she gets punished (no Mac Donald’s)?!! Then mum physically assaults her?! This is entirely OP’s fault for being irresponsible enough to let her 10 year old get her ears pierced in the first place. Of course she doesn’t have the maturity to look after them.

@BSB30

I agree. The dynamic between partners is completely different from the parent and child dynamic. There are lots of things you wouldn't do to a partner but you would do to a child and vice versa. The two aren't comparable.

The dynamic may be different but the principle is the same. You don't use violence against people.