I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

[micpop]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

This is why smacking isn't illegal - because even good, decent, responsible parents who are trying their very hardest slip sometimes.

Then why would it be illegal if the child had been an adult partner?

@SeeYaPals I’m not saying she deserves to be hit. I’m saying a loving mum losing her rag ONCE does not deserve to be pilloried in the most unforgiving terms for child abuse. Hitting may technically be abusive but what earthly use are all these deranged people in the comments screaming and swearing (at least in the case of @IchVersteheNicht ) and calling her a monster? None of you actually care about the issue at hand. If you cared you would not be making ludicrous outsize accusations that convince no-one. You just want to be sadistic to a stranger on an anonymous message board. It’s obvious to everyone.

Bloody hell I know, that’s why I said the most important thing to do was apologise and repair the relationship.

@AuntieJune

This is why smacking isn't illegal - because even good, decent, responsible parents who are trying their very hardest slip sometimes. It's not 'ok' but it's not exactly unusual either. Being a parent is very hard. Calling this kind of situation abuse doesn't really help anyone.

It's illegal where I live. Don't be fooled into thinking hitting children is acceptable because the government are shite.

Well you've made a good start posting here.

Normally in these threads I would say it doesn’t matter, we all loose our shit (I have!) and just apologise and move on. However, I don’t really get why you were cross? Her dance teacher told her to take them out? So it’s not her fault? I would have just said sorry and next time explain to the teacher at the beginning of the lesson? I know me at that age and my DD would probably have obeyed the teacher. Forcing them back in must have been painful as well.

It's a bit different though isn't it @WeeblesWobbled

All relationships should be based on trust and respect but between romantic partners, you're equals. Parent-child you're not equals, you're responsible for your child, you need to get them to follow the rules you set. Sometimes you need to physically restrain your child in a way that you don't a romantic partner. Kids can be violent and are often hitting/kicking/throwing things at parents. That doesn't make violence ok but it's a different situation.

This is actually a really upsetting thread to read. So many people ok with an assault in a young child, blaming her for the mother being out of control. Nobody would be ok with a man pinching and slapping a child and it is disgusting that anyone is ok with it because it was a woman.

OP - I think you need to step away from this thread. It’s not doing you any good.

there’s some good constructive advice on here. Ignore the pitchforks.

Focus on making amends with your daughter. Speak to a therapist if it helps.

I bet there's a fairly high bar to actually taking police action though, and that OP wouldn't be prosecuted for her actions. Because it's not in the public interest to punish a parent who is trying their best and generally doing a good job.

It's not illegal, although it should be, so they won't do anything.

Will you tell her father?

What you did was horrible. You know that. You know what you did was not right.

But I'm not going to pile in because you are human. You've made a mistake. A big one, a shitty one, but one that can be fixed.

Go in. Give her a big cuddle and apologise. Don't try to justify what you did at all because there is no justification - you saw red and took it out on her.

I think you then need to look at why this was so triggering for you. Do you have lots of things going on and this was the icing on the cake type thing? You need to look at what made you react so badly and unpick that so it doesn't happen again.

I hope you are ok and more importantly
Your daughter is ok.

Op I'm not sure if your still reading (hopefully not judging by some of the replies)
Please forgive yourself. You were pushed to your limit. We are only human. X

@micpop has acknowledged what they have done is dreadful and is feeling very distressed, stop piling on now everyone/

Disgusting behaviour.

And there’s a lot of hypocrites on here, if the roles were reversed and this was a man there’d be huge amount of call the police and LTB etc

Sorry to be the one to say it but she won't forget this.

Apologise. Especially as she was probably told to take them out so the cause of this isn't her fault.

I'd be really upset I lost control like that and take steps to learn from it and grow, and never do it again.

She wasn’t pushed to her limits. Her daughter couldn’t get her earrings back in.

You were pushed to your limit.

How so? What happened that was so very provocative?

Eh?

@Snugglemonkey i agree this thread is upsetting to read.

The pile on to this mother who knows she has made a mistake is awful.

FWIW - I don’t think her daughter was being a brat. And I don’t condone hitting children. But even good parents slip up.

The vitriol is awful. And I’m not convinced these posters are great parents themselves if they’re judging others so harshly. What kind of example does that set to kids?

Ps I'm pretty sure that many if not most people on here are not actually parents as they clearly have no idea

Simple question but if you were paying someone else to look after her and they did this, would you sack them?

I absolutely would.

I think that’s unnecessary, if you feel so strongly about it look into parent classes or anger management classes.

I do totally think pinching was not needed, the slapping is obviously not good either but if what you say is true that you wouldn’t usually behave that way then I would chalk it up to a moment of madness. But also a moment of madness that needs to be fixed by yourself, to never allow yourself to get to that point again.

Being a parent is bloody hard work, kids can push even the calmest people to the brink but it’s on us parents to control that part of ourselves.

Please understand that some people on here are very against smacking children, some are for it. But each parent is different. I don’t condone smacking but I do understand that sometimes things like this happen. You haven’t beaten her up, she isn’t abused.

As of tonight make it a promise to work on your anger & move forward. The past can’t be changed but you can change your reactions in future & come away from Mumsnet for the night x

I'm so sick of people saying OP "was pushed" as if a) anything terribly provocative actually happened and b) despite her being the parent, it was all outside of her control and she was just the passive victim in the escalation of the situation.

@micpop what happened was awful but I would recommend asking mn to remove this thread. I don’t think it’s helpful to anyone, least of all you and your dd.