I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

Honestly I would have apologised but not caved in to the McDonald's she acted badly regardless of your piss poor response to it screaming and tantrums

Your going to get that the next time you say no to her just don't lose your temper next time

Or persist with sticking the earrings back into her ears when she is screaming with pain. The post is incredibly upsetting.

I hope you are both ok OP. Lovely to read your update, I'm so glad you were able to make amends with her. Your reaction didn't come out of nowhere, it's very likely to be rooted in your own childhood. This article explains it really well. I hope it's useful https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/handling-anger

I do think there's a big difference in what you described and the kind of physical abuse that a lot of children grow up having to deal with.

All abusers think their abuse is different.

She was not being a brat at all! She was in trouble for obeying a teacher, she was upset and then she was punished for nothing and when she was very reasonably upset about that, she was assaulted for having the temerity to have feelings. It was disgraceful behaviour from a parent, not the child!

Totally agree with this, I hope the OP reads all these replies and takes them onboard

There was a thread recently where an OPs boyfriend shouted at her daughter and called her a brat. And it really did sound like the daughter was being bratty. There are a few of the same posters on this thread defending the OP for being physically violent to her daughter but who were telling the OP from the other thread that her partner was abusive and to LTB.

Hugs for you. I'm sorry for what you went through ❤

Or following the instructions of an adult, being punished for doing so, and then being sworn at, pinched and hit for being upset by this?

Its a strange case that poster has chosen to illustrate the benefits of hitting children.

I say this from a constructive place (because I’ve really lost it with my kids lately so I know what it’s like) but it must have come from somewhere. If everything was genuinely ok, you wouldn’t have reacted in that way.

My guess is that it’s either unprocessed trauma from your own upbringing, or current pressures you’re not facing up to (you sound a bit worried about money?). Or both. But either way, you owe it to both of you to figure out what’s going on so this does’t happen again. Do you have a trusted friend you could talk to?

You're a good parent, OP. A shit one wouldn't be feeling bad about the situation. Onwards and upwards.

Just because it's not abuse as you would recognise it does not make it OK.

It's the pinch which bothers me the most.

Sorry op but that was completely underhand and nasty. You tried to inflict so much pain on her. She was a royal pain in the ass but that's all she's guilty of. You don't deserve all the understanding you've had on this thread. Feel guilty. She won't forget it.

After experiencing domestic violence in the past if someone pinched then slapped me even once that would be it for me. Unfortunately, kids are at the mercy of us adults and can’t leave. I really hope dd is ok, and that mum can get help for her issues.

Well, that must make me a great husband, because I feel terrible after I punch my wife.

what bullshit.

This makes for very uncomfortable reading. Your behaviour was far worse than your daughters. She followed the instructions she was given at dancing, you then forceably tried to shove earrings back in her scabbed ears, then punished her for following the instruction by denying her mcd, then pinched and slapped her when she got upset about that?!! Jesus. She's 10.
You are the one who let her get them pierced. You also let her have them re-pierced when she had already shown she wasn't able to be responsible for them yet. You are the adult. I'm sorry to be harsh but you behaved appallingly. You need to apologise profusely but I guarantee you this will be something she remembers.

Yes, but they have form for "closing a case"

Fuck money. Your child's respect is worth a million times more and this is the type of thing that can lose that respect altogether, or for a long time. No amount of money is ever worth assaulting a child over.

There will be something that has happened before that triggered you. If you made the conscious decision to pinch and slap a child, that makes you a special kind of nasty but you wouldn't be so upset. I bet you didn't though. I bet you reacted and some program, some memory from the past started running and you had to follow it through to the end. Reflection may uncover why. It could be a carbon copy of an incident, but more likely there will be a theme, such as not being listened to or not having your efforts considered.

If you re-read my post you will see that I said everyone makes mistakes.

Im anti-smacking and have never hit my kids, but I’ve made plenty of parenting mistakes. Haven’t you?

I think the kind of hate the OP is getting is OTT and counter productive. Lots of people on here actually giving OP good advice on how she can make amends and avoid doing it again.

People just won’t post on here if they’re going to be vilified.

what do you suggest? The child gets put into care? It’s the logical conclusion to your stance, isn’t it? This woman - by your standards- is beyond forgiveness. so what now? Jail? That’ll be really great for her 10 year old

It was unacceptable but it was also one incident in what is presumably an otherwise loving relationship. Put it in perspective.

Learn from it, work out exactly what was going on that pushed your buttons and made you respond as you did. Discuss it with your daughter, apologise but you don't need to grovel.

This is why smacking isn't illegal - because even good, decent, responsible parents who are trying their very hardest slip sometimes. It's not 'ok' but it's not exactly unusual either. Being a parent is very hard. Calling this kind of situation abuse doesn't really help anyone.

Oof.

No, she wasn’t being a brat. She was following instructions from her dance teacher and if I remember rightly I always had to either put plasters over my earrings or take them out during PE.

If you were that precious about the piercings you should have ensured you placed plasters over them before taking her to class.

you know you messed up badly. Poor kid. She was right you were being dramatic. You didn’t just see red- you lost your temper over nothing. You’ve punished her three times for simply following orders.

Seeing red implies a total loss of control- would you say pinching her leg was that? That seems very deliberate and thought out.

You need to apologise and be clear about what you’re apologising for. Promise to never do it again and say that you shouldn’t have done it at all.

PPs are right- if this was about a DF hitting his DC he wouldn’t get an ounce of sympathy or understanding. So you shouldn’t either.

We’ll said @AuntieJune

Thank you. I got my revenge by being the mother she never could be & that outweighs it all. Thanks again x

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this. I can't stop crying. Daughter is brushing her teeth getting ready to go up and seems fine. I feel horrendous and have told her she can discuss this with whoever she wants to if she needs to speak about this. I just need to take whatever punishment.

This.

And why on earth did you keep trying to push the earrings in when your daughter kept crying that you were hurting her??