I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

If it keeps happening, then yes, definitely.

Where does it say the DD was screaming in her face? They were in the car so presumably side by side.

👌

Well duh.

Sending you huge hugs, you’ve done the right thing, we all mess up on parenting occasionally and apologising and explaining will go some way to fix it.

I’m so sorry you were hit as a child, it is awful and inexcusable as you said, and you will no doubt still be suffering from those traumatic times as a child. Unfortunately we often repeat these behaviours because they feel familiar, and it can be difficult to moderate your behaviour in the heat of the moment.

Please can I recommend you find a therapist and go for a few chats? I did this myself last year, for ten sessions, and it was hugely helpful to my parenting.

my own Mum had an awful temper, could be manipulative and violent. It wasn’t the worst; in general I had a blessed childhood, but speaking out loud about my experiences to the therapist really helped me see that while I do love my mum, she behaved very badly at times, it wasn’t my fault, and I am capable of being a different parent.

I think parenting young women with their inevitable changing hormones, as we ourselves go through Peri-menopause, can be a recipe for a lot of friction! Therapy should be given free to all parents I think, it would save so much future mental health problems!

good luck, and many many hugs from a fellow stressed out mum xx

Good point

It’s not so much the smacking, which is bad enough, its the fact that you pinched her first. WTAF were you thinking? That not a loss of control that’s abusive and fucking cruel.

I wished I could help. All I can say is how much compassion I feel for you, and your daughter of course. My mum used to hit me too, and I'm fighting with myself all the time to not be like her. I lost it once, when my son was 4. I beat myself so much about it, I even thought he might be better off without me around.
It's a horrible feeling but if you apologise, and explain you shouldn't have done it, and it's never ok to hit anyone, both of you can hug it out and move on.
I hope you can talk to someone in real life who can support you, rather than here, where there are lots of unsupportive, quick to judge people.

@PaperwhiteTheGhost even worse if she was trying to drive!

If you feel too stressed and wired to properly discuss this with her immediately, then go to her and explain:

• you’re sorry you hurt her
• that you are very angry with yourself for the way you reacted to her behaviour
• you need a little while to process your feelings
• you’d like to talk about it and apologise properly later

Then make sure you calm yourself enough to do the above. It’s ok to explain to her the ways in which her behaviour was not ok. It’s also ok to admit fault and call out your own behaviour.

Imo all the hysteria on here about a minor incident just goes to show why there are so many feral children with absolutely zero respect for anyone else roaming about these days!

Do you think respect is borne from violence?

A social worker has already posted on here saying they would likely close the case for a one off so it's not really helpful to go scaring the OP for no reason.

Course not, but I don't think people should be minimising it.

Has she been able to get the earrings back in yet? I really don't think it's too late but probably better for her to do it herself rather than you trying.

@IchVersteheNicht 😂😂😂 settle down darling. I actually was abused as a child. I can tell the difference between that, and what the OP is describing. And yes, screaming and shouting in the car because you’re not getting McDonalds is brattish behaviour!

My mum would rag me by my hair like a proper fight when I was 12/15 & would scream she wished she’d sat on me at birth & that I was nothing but a sl*g for simply having boy mates until one day when I was 16 she tried to hit me again & I hit her back, not proud of it, but I wasn’t planning on spending another day being hit for simply existing & her having too many kids that she couldn’t deal with us & also going through menopause. I moved out at 16 & never went back.

I was a good kid, never brought trouble to the door like my four older brothers who have fathered multiple children that they don’t bother with, yet the sun shines out of their arses in her eyes. But that’s for another day.

I’m not scarred but I don’t have a close relationship with her. I can’t speak for anyone else but I doubt your daughter will be scarred for life. Take a time out for yourself. X

So what do you think OP should have done after the fact?

She fucked up. The thing to do after that is totally own your behaviour, apologize without reservation and repair it. Which is what OP has done. Yes, that deserves a ‘well done’.

What would you like to have seen happen? OP book her daughter into a local authority children’s home to live out her childhood?

yes it wasn’t ideal, but I once did the same with my eldest when she was also about 10, at that age they are really trying to be independent, hormones are kicking in and they swing from being almost like argumentative moody teenagers to babyish little girls, and they can really wind you up. Apologise to her, and move on, she will remember but nothing more can be done, so don’t let it linger- clear the air.
also, try putting a little bit of moisturiser front and back of the earlobe before re inserting earrings and they should slide in with less bother - it isn’t always possible/safe to keep them in for dance lessons. (my daughters both danced too)

This is in no way to say that hitting is ok, because it absolutely isn’t, but just to balance out those posters saying they never forgave their parents for hitting them, or that it affected them for ages afterwards. I have an amazing relationship with both my parents despite this

Is that a gamble worth taking?

If it's not OK to hit kids, why do you feel the need to tell us it didn't harm you?

The families I work with are the ones whose children are carrying knives or going around in gangs and beating the crap out of people. Not just being a bit rude to mum and dad. Lots of slapping and pinching going on in these families. I can assure you it is not so much the gentle parenting that you seem to be implying is the root of this 'feral' behaviour.

I’m not surprised you feel awful - you really would be a terrible parent if you weren’t consumed with guilt. But at least you have apologised. Don’t let it happen ever again.

It was brave of you to open up on here and admit what you've done wrong, people don't seem to hold back. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. (It sounds like your a single mum too which adds extra stress and pressure.)
It's not ideal and it wasn't the right way to act in the moment but it's happened now and you can't undo it.

I would say you need to make sure you've calmed down and have processed what happened. To make sure it doesn't happen again you need to understand exactly what triggered you to react the way you did so you can make an effort to work on it. And you need to go and speak to your daughter, apologise for what happened, make sure she's feeling okay and talk it through with her.

In general, you sound like a good and caring mother. We've all had moments we aren't proud of whether we'd admit to them here or not. Try not to spiral or be too mad at yourself about this. I do think there's a big difference in what you described and the kind of physical abuse that a lot of children grow up having to deal with. Use this as a learning curve/ wake up call.

Genuine question, if a man did the same to his partner while she was having a go at him, say for not doing the washing up during the 100th time for example, if he pinched and slapped her because he reached boiling point with her yelling, would you still say that it's a one off and it's ok?

Would you say that if it was your partner who pinched and slapped you?