To think if you don't like my dogs barking at you get the hell off my drive

[Qantaqa]

I'll start this by saying I am tired and miserable so am in no mood to be reasonable today AT ALL.

I have many dogs. Large dogs. There are dog flaps so they can run in and out as they wish onto the property. I am rural and one of the purposes of the dogs is to alert me to people around, so I aren't bothered by them barking if someone comes to the gate.

The gateway to my drive is set back about 15ft so that I can park the car without having to open the gates and drive in. Its clearly my driveway and separate from the road.

There is this one cyclist who every single time after cycling up the hill stops and pulls into the drive and has a rest. Now he could stop on the other side of the road where there is a public track, or he could cycle for like another 30ft and stop at the entrance to the forest but no he chills in the drive. Every. Single. Time.

The dogs bark at him. He shouts at them to be quite. They obviously ignore him. I used to shout them back in but the last few weeks I haven't bothered because well I'm grumpy.

Today my mum has arrived to visit and the cyclist is yet again in the drive. He's had a bit of a go at her. She's come in mithering at me so I've gone out and told him very rudely that if he doesn't like them barking at him to stop standing on the fucking drive. It got into a bit of a heated discussion before I stormed off. He's going to report me apparently as they are intimidating and its illegal to have a camera and no signs and blah blah blah.

So whilst I might BU to have gone out and created more drama instead of ignoring him AIBU to think if you don't want to be barked at get the fuck off my land?

Oh dear God what insanity has happened whilst I have been out!

Anyway the good news is I is now filled to the brim with carvery roast potato goodness and have had a nice old rant about it over said food so I am less miserable.

The bad news is I am not a fan of birds so the training of crows is a complete non-starter..... There is 1 giant black bird - I assume a crow - I swear stalks me around the place. Like whenever I go out there it is. Watching me. I swear its plotting my death. Anyway I digress... No. No crows. Otters are pretty vile aren't they .. I could build a moat and train an otter army?

I bloody love the idea of an otter army! 😍😍😍 Meanwhile, I have written on here before about Ivydog’s nemesis the crow, who takes great delight in throwing sticks into the verandah to get Ivy’s attention, gargles at her from the tree and pretty much pisses itself laughing at her when she goes off her brain with frustration at this feathery fiendish space invader that she can’t get to. Crows are intelligent but evil buggers. (Entertaining and I have to respect them!)

Demarcate your drive by installing electrified bollards. If the penguin variety you could replace their faces with pictures of your gorgeous dogs.
Lots of clear warnings:
ELECTRIFIED BARRIERS.
THIS DRIVEWAY IS PRIVATE PROPERTY.
SWEARY TRESPASSER CYCLIST WANKERS WILL BE BARKED AT.
PISS OFF UP THE ROAD A BIT.

And apologises for only showing half the dog squad I could only upload 5 photos. The remaining fools are attached

😍😍😍😍😍

There you go! It’s already half trained. Now you just need to wear the shouty bike man mask when you’re outside and yell at the bird. (It doesn’t even sound like you’ll mind doing that too much).

Bitterly disappointed by your irrational raven-aversion as I am, it's cheering that you are prepared to exert your potato-fuelled brain cells to proffer alternative wildlife.

Setting the dogs on him is TOO EASY, also regrettably legally accountable, but otters, now ...

... although I can't help but think that your raven is communicating an urgent desire to work with you to repel invaders. Would you consider allowing a Posse to visit, to take care of the avian part of the plan? I reckon Saltines & Shark have form in this area, they seem remarkably knowledgeable.

He's ridiculous. I'd put up no trespassing signs. You have done nothing wrong. You're dogs are doing exactly what they should

PISS OFF UP THE ROAD A BIT.
@isitshe I can't quite convey the strength of my desire that this become official signage approved by the publishers of the Highway Code.

Thinking on, it's probably de rigeur on Father Ted's Craggy Island ...

Wouldn't mind overhearing that conversation. Key to abbreviations P = Police NB = NobBrain
P "Hello police"
NB "Hello, I want to report dangerous dogs"
P "Ok,are they running loose?"
NB "Well no, they're contained on their own property. But they bark at me and I think if the owner or her mum opened the gate they might rough me up a bit."
P " I see, where is this happening?"
NB "It's when I go on a bike ride and when I stop at the top of the big hill,I lean on the owners gate or car in their driveway. I was forced to swear at the owners mother today in case she let the dogs out near me on their own property. And they have CCTV covering their land too. I don't like it much."
P "So the dogs are on their own land, as is the CCTV, you're trespassing and swore at the owners mother?"
NB "Yes"
P "Goodbye Sir"

I made the mistake of googling penguin bollards at the time and they followed me round for years. YEARS. I tell ye. So much so that I flinched even typing the words out.

Beautiful dogs😍
What mischief was the cute, cheeky one on the table up to I wonder?!😁

Top Squad update OP.

Table dog's expression in particular is unambiguous: "Yeah? Wot of it?"

& I've just had a flurry of cycle clothing brand emails arrive ... do you think the Entitled Wing of the MAMILS are launching a pre-emptive cyber attack?

If you don't want crows or ravens would you consider magpies ?

Oh, these dogs 😍😍

Otters are the way to go, OP. They severed Terry Nutkins' fingers, dontcha know.

Maybe a flock of Canadian geese to guard your drive?

Oooh, evil.

I like that.

I mean you are all just suggesting other birds. I'd rather have an army of cyclists squatting in the drive actually throwing things at visitors than have a flock of birds guarding it to keep them away.....

Mea culpa, obsessing over winged assassins is not helping you is it OP.

There was a thread while back about uninvited guest cheeky fuckery, where the OP was advised to construct a moat & trebuchet. Would that be more your kind of warfare?
That thread's OP is, iirc, a massive doglover (in both senses) & ironworks manufacturer/artist. If any smart PP is able to dredge her thread up I am sure you will take much needed succour from it.

Maybe you could convert your drive to a drawbridge. Given that your nemesis is wheel-bound, a steep & sharply-raised angle would certainly prove his undoing.

Or llamas. Very territorial, very protective, and I’m sure they could be trained to spit on command over the gate.

@Qantaqa

Sooo jealous of you having all those lovely dogs… I’ve had plenty of GSDs in my lifetime but only maximum of 2 at a time!
I tell DP (when he gets on my nerves) that he will be chucked out & replaced by GSD puppies, as I wouldn’t bother with anyone else after him, just fill my home with rescue dogs and naughty pups!
Hes concerned at how quick the iPad comes out so I can look at the pups and think of names!😁

Oh your dogs are absolutely beautiful 😍 I also have GS dogs and they are really well trained but naturally bark at strangers if they come onto my property.
Honestly sounds as if this wee twerp is deliberately looking for trouble?
Love the geese idea🤣

she better not open the gate because if they touch him he'll sue
I'd have asked him how he's gonna sue me after my dogs have ripped his throat out
(obviously that would not help the situation at all so good job I'm not there)