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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:

Groovychick91 · 30/04/2023 20:53

You are majorly overreacting! Sorry to say but if my partner was this overbearing when it was half fucking 7, I would probably prefer to stay out too in all honesty! Hopefully he has a fab night off from you! You can't kick someone out of their own home BTW!

DoughnutDreams · 30/04/2023 20:53

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:11

Just to update. His friend has called me to tell me he is paralytic and they are bringing him home. So now got to deal with that and our baby. Lucky me!

I'd be telling them to take him to a travelodge. No way would I be having someone drunk and throwing up. Even my teenager knew that was a line and respected it, let alone a grown man!

ConcernedCatmother · 30/04/2023 20:53

You’re not being unreasonable at all OP, delusional people on this post being a “pick me” by acting like they’d be fine with it. He said he would be out for 2 hours and his lack of communication is shocking. You have a literal baby at home. He seems like a lump of good for nothing.

Sometimeswinning · 30/04/2023 20:55

Groovychick91 · 30/04/2023 20:53

Hope you have read the update. Does the op deserve to be stuck with an 8 week old and her twat of a partner? Or is she still overreacting?

Mari9999 · 30/04/2023 20:55

@OP, if he contributes to or pays the rent or mortgage , then I don't think that you can tell him not to return to his home.

Having had babies , I don't know that it is particularly difficult to manage a young baby. It is rarely a task that requires more than 1 person.

I would be more upset about my spouse getting drunk regardless of the time. If you feel that you need time to spend on your own or with friends, that is reasonable. You should work out a schedule where you get some me time as well.

As an adult, it has to be annoying and embarrassing to have someone calling around to check on your whereabouts. If you think that he has been involved in an accident , you should check with police or hospitals. I don't think that is unusual for someone out with friends to not check in on a regular schedule. He is your adult partner not your minor child.

Snoopyandthemuppets · 30/04/2023 20:55

I find this worrying and disrespectful.

A couple of hours and change of plan - he should text and ask if that is ok and if not come back and parent.

I wouldn’t look after him and a baby. He’s done this twice while you are vulnerable. He’s a twat.

I contact his friends and just say nope I have an 8 week old baby here - tell him to come back when he’s sober but it’s utterly disrespectful of him, his child and his relationship.

IhateJan22 · 30/04/2023 20:56

If he hardly ever does this I don’t see a massive issue, yes he should have been in touch but sounds like he’s just got carried away seeing his friends. If it was all the time then fair enough but doesn’t sound like it is. I’d of made plans for myself as soon as my husband told me he was out seeing his friends as I don’t think it should have a time limit.

Runwayw · 30/04/2023 20:57

I’m on your side OP. I can’t believe some people would be ok with it.

Disco2023 · 30/04/2023 20:57

Groovychick91 · 30/04/2023 20:53

Have you read the full thread or op updates? He went out at lunch time for coffee and said he would be back in a couple of hours. Didn’t reply to messages or phone calls for hours. She had to get info from a friend.

He is now being taken home by said friend as ridiculously drunk. @rhaenyra01 was expecting him back for a nice family afternoon with the baby she had 8/9 weeks ago FFS. She is not overbearing at all.

Girlboss1989 · 30/04/2023 20:58

I wouldn't put up with that from my partner, if he pulled this on me he'd be gone.

Wat2do222 · 30/04/2023 20:59

@Groovychick91 Please cop yourself on, she's after having a baby 8 weeks ago. It was half 7 when posted but he's been drinking for 8 hours with little or no tolerance and has been told he's paralytic and about to be dumped on the doorstep

TheRookie · 30/04/2023 21:00

He obviously feels he 'cant' go out without a bunch of drama, so just does it without telling you. Still drama but he can ignore it. Maybe if you were less uptight and let him enjoy himself sometimes, it wouldn't be a big thing! I have never ever said no to my DH going out. As long as it works both ways of course

User1438423 · 30/04/2023 21:02

It's not the fact he's gone out drinking. A couple of posters said if he's only done it once before when you were pregnant you are overreacting and they are wrong, because the issue is he deliberately chose not to communicate his plans or his change of plans with you. Didn't ask you, ignored you, left you waiting and wondering. This is so selfish and disrespectful, but add on the fact you have a newborn baby and it makes it even worse. I assume he is still in his 20's? My ex did exactly the same when I had a newborn, it happened a few more times before I kicked him out for good.

With my current partner (of 13 years), we always ask the other if they mind if we go out to an event or drinking or something without them, and none of us have ever said no, it's just asking to be respectful, and making sure they weren't thinking of something that date too. None of us have ever gone AWOl or ignored contact or ruined plans for the next day. I would never tolerate that ever again.

User1438423 · 30/04/2023 21:04

I don't think any parent should be going on a bender with a newborn either. You will be exhausted and needing a competent partner to co-parent with.

Wat2do222 · 30/04/2023 21:04

@Mari9999 @TheRookie Are you for real? You honestly think its acceptable behavior to disappear for 8 hours and then be dumped on a doorstep paralytic for a partner with an 8 week old to deal with?

Bluebells1970 · 30/04/2023 21:05

Can you go to your Mum's for the night OP? Leave him to it.

Don't look after him, he got himself in this state.

MistyFrequencies · 30/04/2023 21:05

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

Me too. Fucking hell theres a low bar for mrn out there.

Coffeekitten · 30/04/2023 21:06

YANBU OP. I would be absolutely furious.

Shocked at some of the responses on this thread. Wonder if those people would feel the same if it was you who left your baby for a spontaneous piss up?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/04/2023 21:07

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

That's the problem with childish ultimatums... they don't often go the way you want.

FlyingPandas · 30/04/2023 21:07

Snoopyandthemuppets · 30/04/2023 20:55

I find this worrying and disrespectful.

A couple of hours and change of plan - he should text and ask if that is ok and if not come back and parent.

I wouldn’t look after him and a baby. He’s done this twice while you are vulnerable. He’s a twat.

I contact his friends and just say nope I have an 8 week old baby here - tell him to come back when he’s sober but it’s utterly disrespectful of him, his child and his relationship.

Yep this.

I wouldn't actually have an issue with DH staying out with mates drinking AS LONG AS I'd had a text confirming that that was what he was planning to do AND as long as he didn't get paralytic vomiting drunk AND as long as I didn't have a tiny baby.

The thing is it's perfectly possible to enjoy a day drinking with your mates without getting paralytic drunk. DH and I have both done it in our younger days (before we had DC) on many occasions. But never in a million years would he have done this with a tiny baby at home. 8 weeks is often the most exhausting time - the baby bubble/euphoria of having this new tiny amazing person in your life has worn off, cumulative tiredness after weeks of broken nights is taking its toll, that dawning realisation that this level of responsibility is it for the rest of your life is well and truly hitting you.

I would have a massive issue with a partner who could go out drinking to paralytic proportions with no care and consideration for the mother of their very very young child. (actually would have an issue with anyone who gets paralytically drunk as a parent of older children - but the fact that this is a tiny baby is particularly awful).

OP I hope you are okay. Big serious conversations need to be had I think. Leave him downstairs with bucket and bottle of water and give it to him both barrels tomorrow.

OhthedayOhthedayOhtheday · 30/04/2023 21:09

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:11

Just to update. His friend has called me to tell me he is paralytic and they are bringing him home. So now got to deal with that and our baby. Lucky me!

I'm so sorry, this would be a nightmare for me. Keep your chin up, tomorrow may be a day when you should take the baby out by yourself.

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 21:10

My god if my DH started calling my friends at 6pm asking where I was I’d die of embarrassment

MayThe4th · 30/04/2023 21:12

There’s an awful lot of first time posters on here having a go at the OP. Mmm wonder why that is? ;)

Confusion101 · 30/04/2023 21:12

CheezePleeze · 30/04/2023 20:49

"I came home drunk for the second time ever and my husband made me sleep in the shed".

Cue Mumsnet servers going into meltdown.

Show quote history

That should read

I had to be brought home paralytic drunk after going for "coffee" which turned into drinks and failed to contact my DP who was at home with our 2 month old baby......

Hoppinggreen · 30/04/2023 21:12

It’s not great but it doesn’t sound like it’s a regular occurrence. If he was planning on going out like that it needs to be discussed and agreed in advance
BUT You told him not to come home and he isn’t, I’m not sure what you wanted at that stage.

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