Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 30/04/2023 19:51

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:47

I said "if you're drunk don't come home" hoping he wouldn't be drinking. He is supposedly teetotal. But he has been drinking.

Show quote history

He definitely should've kept in touch and let you know his plans.

But why is he not allowed to come home if he's drunk?

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 30/04/2023 19:51

peppaspal82 · 30/04/2023 19:50

Totally perplexed by some of these responses! She has a two month old baby and he popped out for a couple of hours in the morning and hasn't returned. I'd say it's disrespectful and not supportive. Those who don't agree are either men or have a very low standards when it comes to respect in a relationship

'She' doesn't have a two month old baby though, they both do!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2023 19:51

Why does he promise you he won't drink?

wildfirewonder · 30/04/2023 19:51

Given these two three things:
I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby
He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days
We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow

I would be pretty annoyed as it sounds like your day tomorrow will be ruined anyway?

It is really rude to just disappear, neither of us would have done that to the other because it is just normal consideration to say roughly what your plans are.

MelchiorsMistress · 30/04/2023 19:53

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

This makes you sound very silly.

Your husband called your bluff which is fair enough. if you wanted him to come home then that’s what you should have said. You have reason to be pissed off with him staying out without telling you, but you have overreacted and made the whole thing worse than it needs to be.

itsgettingweird · 30/04/2023 19:53

I'd be pissed off at the lack of communication.

Going out wouldn't bother me.

Drinking wouldn't bother me.

Being late or staying the night wouldn't bother me.

But only if I knew that's what he intended.

Although the staying out actually your fault for telling him too!

amiold · 30/04/2023 19:54

I think you're over reacting saying not to come back BUT can see why and can see how you've come to say it.

"Going for coffee" ended up on the drink
"Tee total" yet seem drunk
"Back in a few hours" 8 hours later
Etc etc.

You're at home with a newborn... imagine if you buggered off out like that. Not only have you been on your own all day, that's going to continue into tonight and tomorrow. He's being an absolute nob but don't let it escalate if you don't want to split. Xxx

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 19:55

peppaspal82 · 30/04/2023 19:50

Totally perplexed by some of these responses! She has a two month old baby and he popped out for a couple of hours in the morning and hasn't returned. I'd say it's disrespectful and not supportive. Those who don't agree are either men or have a very low standards when it comes to respect in a relationship

I doubt anyone disagrees that he has been disrespectful and unsupportive but she has overreacted by trying to ban him from his own home for something, by her own admittance, he has only done once before.

SarahC50 · 30/04/2023 19:56

Poor you thats really shitty behaviour especially because you have a very young baby. As you say he's written off today and tomorrow,really thoughtless selfish behaviour. I'd be raging too and want a very good apology x

MichelleScarn · 30/04/2023 19:57

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:47

I said "if you're drunk don't come home" hoping he wouldn't be drinking. He is supposedly teetotal. But he has been drinking.

Show quote history

Why is he teetotal? His own choice?

casingchars · 30/04/2023 19:57

Men can do whatever they like and it's still the woman's fault for it all, eh

Original poster
rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:58

MichelleScarn · 30/04/2023 19:57

Why is he teetotal? His own choice?

Show quote history

Yes, his own choice! We both don't drink for different reasons, he has been "teetotal" since before we got together yet this has happened a few times where he has gone out and ended up drinking and coming home in a state.

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 30/04/2023 19:59

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

This.

Fuck me, some women on Mumsnet have low standards.

peppaspal82 · 30/04/2023 19:59

@TheSnowyOwl it's pretty obvious she said it in a pissed off way 'don't bother coming home' in the hope he'd say. 'I'm sorry,.' THEY both have a baby and he is a shit.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 30/04/2023 20:00

you are not being unreasonable. he is taking the piss. next weekend make plans to go out all day and leave hik with the baby

Didtheythough · 30/04/2023 20:02

Id be mightily pissed off because he wasted my entire day. Id probably have assumed he'd be back and we would then go out as a family so id have waited and then waited a bit longer, then text and called and then its too late for me to do anything. So in OPs position id be really annoyed that he could have just been honest and let OP make her own plans for the day.

Tonkerbea · 30/04/2023 20:02

He sounds like a complete manchild.

And all the posters who would dismiss this with, "oh, he's only done it once before", have low standards in their partners.

Was the other time he did this in the last two months? If so, it sounds like he needs to grow up and realise he's now a father who can't fuck off as and when he pleases.

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 20:05

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

RosaBonheur · 30/04/2023 20:06

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 20:05

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Show quote history

Sounds like the OP has already won the stupid prize. It was a great big selfish man child.

ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay · 30/04/2023 20:07

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:58

Yes, his own choice! We both don't drink for different reasons, he has been "teetotal" since before we got together yet this has happened a few times where he has gone out and ended up drinking and coming home in a state.

Show quote history

Then he’s not Teetotal. He obviously likes a drink. He should’ve kept you updated I do understand that part but on the flip side I think locking him out is quite excessive. Either way, I hope you both manage to sort your differences out. Good luck.

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 20:08

@RosaBonheur she knew where he was - and yes he should have told her - but she went OTT then was upset when he retaliated. They're both acting like children.

Original poster
rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:08

ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay · 30/04/2023 20:07

Then he’s not Teetotal. He obviously likes a drink. He should’ve kept you updated I do understand that part but on the flip side I think locking him out is quite excessive. Either way, I hope you both manage to sort your differences out. Good luck.

Show quote history

I haven't locked him out, he has a key and is perfectly able to come home if he wants to. But it seems like he'd rather be out on the piss than at home with his newborn daughter and partner.

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 30/04/2023 20:08

Don’t tell him to stay out- rewarding shit behaviour! Tell him he needs to get back asap because you’re out early in the morning and he’s looking after the baby until you feel like coming home. Selfish prick!

Shep21 · 30/04/2023 20:09

Completely understand you saying “don’t come home” - when you’re angry and have been left in the dark, you’re more than likely going to say something rash! And in the hope of him apologising, taking responsibility for his actions! Baby or not, I’d be furious in your situation. To change plans and not inform you is awful and unfair. Hope he grovels to you tomorrow morning.

Original poster
rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:11

Just to update. His friend has called me to tell me he is paralytic and they are bringing him home. So now got to deal with that and our baby. Lucky me!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread