To tell DP not to bother coming home

[rhaenyra01]

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

YABU to ban him from his own home.

YANBU to be pissed off that he said he’ll come home at X time and then doesn’t.
So much for you having plans.

In future when he goes out he needs to not promise he won’t drink or come back early.

You both need to accept that he’s going to be out much later than planned and he’s going to be drunk.
I’d probably get him to book himself a hotel and go there if you don’t want to deal with drunk him.
At least then you won’t be annoyed that he hasn’t come back at the time he said he would.

She really isn’t.

Dod you miss the bit where he told her he was going out for 2 hours, the bit where he was ignoring her calls and the bit that mentioned their 2 month old baby?

He’s a selfish, inconsiderate twat OP. Decent men do not act like this.

Ugh, what a prick. Sorry OP. It’s not ok.

I suspect there is some sockpuppeting going on on this thread. There surely aren’t that many posters who are too stupid to know when someone says “don’t bother coming home,” it’s said in anger over being treated so awfully.

OP is he an alcoholic? Because tBH being allegedly teetotal and then slipping out to get drunk without you rings massive alarm bells for me.

My sister had a partner like this Claimed he was teetotal, didn’t drink, and then it turned out he was an alcoholic, and once he had one drink he couldn’t stop.

TBH I would pay attention to the vote and not to the posters who either have low standards or are thick or men or a combination of the three.

OP you have my sympathies, anyone who says she has overreacted has a short memory or has never had to deal with a pissed up person who has no tolerance for alcohol who will now probably spend the rest of the night throwing up/pissing a couch and having to be watched incase he chokes or falls down a stairs.
All this, only giving birth 8 weeks ago and caring for a small baby. Cop yourself on if you think that is acceptable. OP the only advice I have is wait for him to be sober and have a talk. Of course we all need to let loose sometimes but this is very unfair to you at such a vulnerable time 💐I know exactly how you feel and offering a handhold x

That would piss me off too.
I would say though that you can't really be cross at him not coming home when it was you that told him not to!
But yeah, you didn't exactly expect him to call your bluff.
I've been where you are OP. OH goes out for something innocent then just stops responding and gets wankered without bothering to mention ONCE that their plans changed.
It's not fair that you were sat waiting for him and were left not knowing what was going on when it would have taken seconds out of his day for him to keep you in the loop. It's just disrespectful.
I hope you manage to get a decent BH as planned regardless.

Have you got a shed or garage for him to sleep in? Or message the friend back and say they can take him home with them?

I would be furious too.

Can't imagine he'd be happy if this was the other way around

I hope you’re ok OP. Looking after a baby is hard enough without dealing with a partner out of their mind drunk. I’d have told him to not bother coming home too, and I’m sorry you’re now having to deal with this. It sounds like a serious discussion about his behaviour, drinking and lack of respect for you (and your child) is needed once he’s recovered from his hangover.

So you're trying to blame OP for a grown mans decision to get paralytic drunk?

Selfish arsehole. All these married batchelors are needing a swift boot.

Thats just shit OP. Can you avoid dealing with him at home until he’s sober and hopefully contrite? Leave him on the sofa, ignore him.
If he was bad enough I would consider leaving him for the night and going to my mum’s with the baby, but maybe that’s just me.
Sorry you are dealing with him, he’s a dick.

you think he should sleep in a shed because he’s pissed? Wise up 🙄

Let him sleep it off and have a chat tomorrow.
It sounds like he has a drink problem, getting paralytic is an issue and it's happened more than once.

This! She gave birth 8 weeks ago! I really feel for the women on this thread who don't recognise this is completely unreasonable. Planned night out. Fine. Not checking in with no plans. Not good.

You're overreacting

No she isn't @Reallyareyousure.
The OP is just two months post partum. Her DP said he would be a couple of hours, he was incomminicado for several hours.

You and some of the other posters on this thread must have a very low bar.

I'd be annoyed being left at home with a young baby, when he was only meant to go out for a coffee then decided just to spend 8 hours out drinking + not communicating with you at all to let you know.

I agree with this ^^

@rhaenyra01 you are not overreacting, by any stretch of the imagination.

Don’t go on what people say, go on what they do… your DP is showing you he’s not tee total, and when he does drink he’s incapable of making a good decision.

Oh god how awful 😞

Go out and have a few drinks, fine. Disappear for 8 hours and be paralytic is not acceptable. Anyone who thinks it is doesn't understand alcoholism. Being an alcoholic comes in many guises, it's not always 'I need to drink from the minute I wake up' It is more often than not the person who cannot stop once they start which sounds like OPs partner. Hope you and little one are ok OP

"I came home drunk for the second time ever and my husband made me sleep in the shed".

Cue Mumsnet servers going into meltdown.

I initially thought what’s the big deal until I read you have an infant. YANBU. He’s selfish by not parenting with you especially during a long weekend. When did you check out for a day or two? Book yourself a nice weekend next weekend and leave him with the baby.

Yea I wouldn't be happy either it's hard work when you have a tiny baby at home. Different if they are older more like toddlers etc.
I'd be angry as well because that means it's all on you tonight as well and all of tomorrow when no doubt he's hungover.

Op do you have family close by or close friend that you could call on to perhaps come over and help out? At least be an extra pair of hands to help out when needed or even just to have a moan with?

Really hope you're ok OP. My XH used to do this (he WAS an alcoholic as it turned out). This is the reason that he is my ex now.

Like you, I didn't have a problem with him seeing mates. I didn't have a problem with him going out on an evening (obvs before I twigged that he had issues!!). What I did have a problem with was him telling me that he was... "popping out for 1-2hrs to catch up with a mate"....but then going AWOL, not letting me know that he was going to stay later and then not picking up the phone/answering my texts, and getting completely paralytic and showing up hours/days later (normally he'd then get abusive/puke everywhere, trash the place). It was the lack of respect, and the lack of communication that did it for me (along with the aftermath of his antics). His behaviour fucked up so many plans , so many events. Bloody awful. Before I twigged about the alcoholism, had he simply said (in good time) that he planned to meet mates for an all nighter (or let me know that he wanted to stay out with his mates for longer), I wouldn't have batted an eyelids and could have made other plans. I'm guessing you're the same with that one.

I hope he stays with his friends, so that you are then spared having to deal with him whilst he's drunk. Good luck xx

YANBU. He's the father of a tiny baby and thinks it's OK to abandon his family when he chooses and behave as if he were still single? Fuck that shit. I wouldn't have him home until he'd got over his hangover and there would be serious talking to do.

Not surprised. I've known a couple of men behave like this, have to drink to the point they lose control of legs and often bladder too. They're also useless the following day because they're often still pissed or have a bad hangover.

My Dad used to behave like this, they split when I was three and even at such a young age I learnt that "going out with a mate for a couple of hours" Sunday lunch meant a ten hour bender, my mum would be stressed because texts weren't a thing then and he'd hit the roof if she embarrassed him by ringing the pubs, he would come home steaming drunk and if his football team lost he'd be in a bad mood too and listening to him argue.

He couldn't stand up without falling and I remember one particularly bad row when she had my baby brother, he kept trying to pick the baby up ti dance around drunk with and he said some horrible things to my mum when she didn't want him falling and stunk king around with a newborn in his arms. He seemed to think because it only happened occasionally then it was ok. She'd stay awake all night because more than once he'd try to cook and fall asleep, he's had three house fires after they split and he lived alone. He was also no use the next day either, he's be in bed with a hangover and any plans would be cancelled, he'd be short fused with myself and my baby brother if we were noisy. Funnily enough. If Mum was even half an hour late back from coffee with her friends my dad would be ringing that's friends landline to ask where she was.

If you did what he's done, would he be annoyed too?