To tell DP not to bother coming home

[rhaenyra01]

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

@UpWhenItsDown
@SkyandSurf

i just don’t think it’s as catastrophic as some on here are making out
most of us have misjudged our limits with alcohol
as I say if it was every week then absolutely that is not ok
but once a blue moon just isn’t something I could get worked up about

@rhaenyra01 Sorry he didn’t give an adequate response. Good plan going out with your daughter and hope he is more remorseful when you return. Make sure he sees someone about his alcohol issues and you get a day to yourself soon while he looks after her.

Also keep coming back here for support x

while I don’t think him going out and not communicating to you about it, I also think your controlling to a unhealthy level.

he is an adult and can go out for a drink/watch football/be with mates… even if this once in a blue moon or off the cuff.

if he’s paying into the household, unfortunately you can’t dictate if he’s allowed home or not.

You both need to be better at communicating, your his partner not his mother.

I don’t know how much of an issue the drinking is. He had reasons to be tee total, so possibly it’s a big problem.

That aside. He has a partner and a child. You stay in touch, you discuss changes to plans, you consider your partner, you act like a team. He hasn’t done that and then he’s been rude in the morning when OP has dared to be annoyed. This isn’t what people in healthy, adult relationships do.

They also realise that the answer isn’t to act as bad as the other person and then think everyone’s a winner like you seem to. That’s not a healthy relationship and it isn’t what OPs wants.

Some of us want to be in healthy functioning relationships every day. If you choose to not be, that’s your business. OP has a new baby and wants to be considered and treated with respect, every day. That is normal.

he is an adult and can go out for a drink/watch football/be with mates… even if this once in a blue moon or off the cuff.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend I'm not sure that's really the main issue is it? Why is it so I reasonable to expect a quick phonecall or text to let his wife know that he was staying out? Being an adult, especially one with a two month old baby at home, kind of means you might have to be a bit more considerate than you may have been before. And getting so blootered that he couldn't stand or speak normally passes by the time you get out of your teens.

I've no issue with DH going out with his mates and nor has he when I go out but neither of us would expect the other to go AWOL for hours, when they said that would be back in a couple of hours without a quick text.

I completely agree. I'm sure if the OP had been informed he was going out all day, she would have made other plans. He told he would be back to spend the afternoon with her. I hate sitting around waiting for people.

Can you imagine the responses if it was the OP who did this. I'm sure the replies would be very different. I believe once you have children and you are co parenting, it is common curtesy to let the other adult know what your plans are. Not just fuck off because you want to. Men are such fucking selfish twats.

It's not just being left at home with the baby, it is being put in a position where you cannot go out because they told you that you are going to do something together and then just sitting at home worrying.

My ex was like that but fortunately I broke up with him before I had the baby. He was also an alcoholic

Hope you’re having a nice day OP. Hope you get home to a remorseful DH and a nice clean tidy house x

If hes lied about being teetotal what else has he lied about.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend dont you work in housing.

I wondered about that as well.
He isn't teetotal. He is an occasional binge drinker.

I bet he thought the OP wouldnt date him if she knew the truth so he lied about being teetotal when he found out the OP was.

Again, he did this before less than a year ago when the OP was pregnant and vulnerable and swore it would never happen again. Now he is absolutely not contrite. Sorry OP, throw this one back in the sea.

OP’s DP obviously has an issue with alcohol if he can’t control his drinking. There’s being tipsy and then there’s how OP’s DP ended up. If you get so drunk that you can’t talk and need to be carried then you shouldn’t drink alcohol. He’s a father now so he needs to grow up!! @rhaenyra01 how long have you been together? Is this normal behaviour for him?

How are things OP?

@Nanaof1 maybe you should try sleeping in the middle of the road- you are very offensive yourself, not to mention your zero reading comprehension and swearing like a trooper. It’s Mumsnet not Sailornet!!

I'm really surprised by some responses on here. It's not the fact he's been out drinking, everyone is entitled to a blowout every now and then. It's the total lack of respect for OP not letting her know what's going on.

I would never dream of leaving DH with the kids and saying I'll be back in a few hours just going for coffee then coming home hours and hours later than I said absolutely slaughtered having ignored all his messages asking where I was and I don't think any of the mothers on here making out it's no big deal would do that either or be happy if their own partners did.

It just shows a complete lack of respect (and maturity). If he'd have told OP that he thinks he'll probably stay out to watch the football and have a drink when that was obviously decided between him and his mates I may feel differently but to not even bother letting her know? He's a twat.

Hope you enjoyed your day with your daughter OP.

Why are you going round different threads @Babycakes6 telling people off for swearing with your ‘it’s Mumsnet, not Sailorsnet’ quip? 😂

We’re adults. We swear. And there’s usually a good lot of motivation for swearing on the plentiful threads about shit men.

Ass is considered a swear word, let alone "swearing like a trooper", @Babycakes6 ? Really? It's not a swear word at all! I had to read that person's post 4 times over because I couldn't for the life of me find a single swear word. I assume is ass you're going on about? If so, you must have lived a sheltered Amish-type life, because ass is not a swear word!

AAawww!!! Now you're stalking me. Must not be very good at parenting if you have this much time to waste.

You really hate stepmothers. Got it.

She's stalking me instead of parenting her kids today I guess.

Has a REAL hate-on for step-mothers too. There should be a forum called SailorsNet. Might get interesting......

She is really, REALLY mad for getting called out for some of the most abusive posts against a stepmom I have ever read. Most of them got removed because they were so nasty. They were unrelenting and filled with untruths and false accusations (baby therapy, pregnant with 5-month-old baby already, unwilling to work were just a few of the denigrating things that Babycakes6/IhateTrolls was saying about the stepmom, even though the truth was in the OP's post on the thread).
The thread is here:
Stepdaughter eating too much fruit | Mumsnet

Most of the bad stuff is on the last 5-6 pages. And yes, several people call her out for the untruths and abusive behavior, hence the stalking. How fun! 🙄😉

Pmsl. Sorry but that response is fucking hillarious. (See what I did there?)

She isn't.