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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:

Frabbits · 30/04/2023 21:12

I wouldn't have an issue with partner going out etc, of course not, but the issue is a lack of communication. It takes 30 seconds to send a message saying "sorry, change of plans am staying out" and that's all it is.

It's not unreasonable at all to expect a basic level of communication and respect.

justgettingthroughtheday · 30/04/2023 21:12

Mari9999 · 30/04/2023 20:55

@OP, if he contributes to or pays the rent or mortgage , then I don't think that you can tell him not to return to his home.

Having had babies , I don't know that it is particularly difficult to manage a young baby. It is rarely a task that requires more than 1 person.

I would be more upset about my spouse getting drunk regardless of the time. If you feel that you need time to spend on your own or with friends, that is reasonable. You should work out a schedule where you get some me time as well.

As an adult, it has to be annoying and embarrassing to have someone calling around to check on your whereabouts. If you think that he has been involved in an accident , you should check with police or hospitals. I don't think that is unusual for someone out with friends to not check in on a regular schedule. He is your adult partner not your minor child.

I actually cannot believe what I am reading!!! WTAF!!!
He is totally unreasonable going out and being completely incommunicado with his partner! Especially as they have a young babies!

You might have been lucky enough to have easy babies but that does not mean your experience is universal! Lots of babies are not easy.

It is so disrespectful of the OP and her time. She has had a day of worry today and her plans for tomorrow are ruined too. No doubt she will spend half the night now checking on her drunk partner too. Where is the respect for her and her time? Is that not important?

Original poster

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 21:13

Update and thank you to everyone who has left kind comments.

His friends had to carry him over the doorstep. He can't walk or speak, so I have had to half carry a 6 foot plus man up the stairs and put him to bed. For those saying I should go to a friend/family member, I have all the baby stuff here (cot, bottle machine, etc etc) so it would be a hassle getting everything sorted to go elsewhere for the night.

Safe to say our family BH is pretty much ruined. Feeling a bit teary and lonely. Glad I have DD.

OP posts:

itwasntmetho · 30/04/2023 21:13

Yeah that’s horrible I’d be pissed off.

potentialmediator · 30/04/2023 21:14

Ugh been in this situation quite a few times, good for you OP that you're fuming and he already knows he's in the doghouse. I was too laid back in early days of pregnancy/ kids and my DH pulling this.
That said I think the issue is not him going out and getting steaming, it's that it wasn't planned and he's stressed you by not communicating, (and now is bloody paralytic.)
At some point when the anger/ hangover subsides I think you need a chat re if he feels the need to "blow off steam" this way, it needs to be prearranged and he crashes at a mate's. Clearly he's not teetotal, even if he wants to be. He's been disrespectful and I hope you can plan to catch a friend in the morning and he grovels later in his hungover state!
The only thing I'd say is if he felt you would never approve of him going out like this, then you'll get this instead as he'll want to abide by it but keep lying to himself and you. As its happened twice now it needs confronting after the initial argument

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 21:14

Climbles · 30/04/2023 20:34

He should be able to go out and have a few drinks. I go out sometimes, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with my DH and DC. I see them all the time, I can have a night out.
The fact he ignored you and has now got totally hammered is obviously not good but I wonder how much his anticipating a bollocking has effected his drinking.

Do you communicate with your DH? Do you both agree to the plans so that someone is happy to look after the DC?

Do you say when and where you're going and do you come back when you say you will?

Does your DH have to clear up after you if you come back paralytic?

And if does that because he's worried about a bollocking then he's even more pathetic

DeflatedAgain · 30/04/2023 21:16

Oh OP, how annoying.

He's in no state to reason with tonight. Try not to let it ruin the rest of your day.

Enjoy a day out tomorrow and do some things you would like to do and let him feel like shit tomorrow then make it up to you!

YANBU. He should have let you know where he was tbh

MammaTo · 30/04/2023 21:16

I completely understand where you’re coming from having just had a baby myself 3 months ago. It’s daunting being left by yourself all day - it’s hard to eat, pee, do anything when you’ve got a newborn.

My DP done it once and I flipped my lid but I think it was more out of jealousy that he could go out all day without feeling guilty, whereas I’d be nervous thinking I had to get back to help haha!

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 21:16

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 21:13

Update and thank you to everyone who has left kind comments.

Safe to say our family BH is pretty much ruined. Feeling a bit teary and lonely. Glad I have DD.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and it's only the baby that wakes you.

Also hope he is suitably contrite and at least tries to make it up to you.

When it's all over you need him to sit down and talk about this behaviour

Choconut · 30/04/2023 21:17

Ignore the cool wives, there are always some on here, YANBU. If they're happy to literally be left holding the baby while their OH goes out on an all day bender while they have no idea where he is then that's up to them. Personally I want someone more mature, more reliable and well past the 'going out and getting paralytic' stage. Mind you the cool wives probably don't mind because they're out doing the same every other weekend.

MayThe4th · 30/04/2023 21:17

P ignore all the men posters telling you how unreasonable you are Bear in mind that the vast majority of posters don’t think you are.

Do you have a spare room? Because I would have put him in there, shut the door, and the fuck would I be clearing up after him if he threw up everywhere.

He’s a grown man, and if he wants to go out and act like a twat, he can take responsibility for his own actions.

potentialmediator · 30/04/2023 21:17

Sorry just read your update after posting- so sorry to hear that. Horrible. Hope you're able to get some sleep tonight.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/04/2023 21:18

Stick a bucket by the bed, put him into the recovery position so the test doesn’t choke and leave him to it.
Do nothing for him tomorrow op,
Ive been through this and it’s shit, eight hours of drinking and you know they’ll be a stinking drunk, fit for nothing the following day. He isn’t tee total, he’s a binge drinker, he may only drink occasionally but when he does he loses control and drinks to excess.

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2023 21:19

He's such a pig.
Set yourself up on the sofa with all you need and watch something,eat if you can and get comfy.

Try not to stress now and distract yourself for the night. Be nice to yourself.

DeflatedAgain · 30/04/2023 21:19

He's going to feel like a pathetic twat tomorrow OP.

Please don't feel teary if you can. You're doing awesome and DD is lucky to have you.

DP has some serious apologizing to do when he wakes up tomorrow!

babyproblems · 30/04/2023 21:19

I’d be raging aswell. You’re not begrudging him the time out or off but the fact he’s not organised it with you beforehand has left you feeling he has freedom and you don’t! I suggest you calm down and do something nice for yourself when baby is in bed. Then tomorrow, go out and spend a few hours doing something lovely just yourself. Tell him you don’t know what time you’ll be home exactly! And leave them to it. If he gets that time, so should you. That’s thé important bit here imo. Xx

FlyingPandas · 30/04/2023 21:20

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 21:13

Update and thank you to everyone who has left kind comments.

Safe to say our family BH is pretty much ruined. Feeling a bit teary and lonely. Glad I have DD.

Oh bless you OP.

This is not okay by any stretch of the imagination.

Can you arrange something nice for tomorrow for you and baby? i.e. meet up with a family member and friend? Do you have people in your life who will support and comfort you and give you a hug?

I would absolutely be leaving DH to stew tomorrow. Do not, whatever you do, look after him or nurse his hangover. I mean obviously check that he's in the recovery position so can't choke on his pissed-up vomit, but other than that I'd absolutely leave him to suffer. Spend the day elsewhere and try and salvage a bit of bank holiday enjoyment for you and baby, even if it's not the day you'd hoped for.

And then once you get home (and he's sobered up) you need to have the conversation about respect and kindness and being sensible and considerate. And he needs to know that continuing to do this could mean the end of your relationship. Men who get paralytic 'can't stand up or speak' drunk do not deserve partners or families. He needs to realise that he could lose you both.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 30/04/2023 21:22

Op - send some texts now to your family/friends, see if anyone is free tomorrow. Don't waste a bank holiday sitting around because someone can't handle his drink.

Get yourself and your baby ready in the morning and get out and enjoy your day

casualreader2022 · 30/04/2023 21:23

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

This. Completely agree.

It's the lack of communication and respect/consideration for you which is awful.

adarkbarking · 30/04/2023 21:23

You gave him a silly and childish ultimatum, @rhaenyra01, but his behaviour is revolting. If I were you, I'd find somewhere else to sleep, well away from his repulsive creature, and I'd go out tomorrow on your own with your DD. I'd be coldly contemptuous of him and go about your day without him.

Talk to him properly once he has got over his hangover and any "OMG, I am so awful" crocodile tears, which there are bound to be. Don't give him silly ultimatums, though. Keep the moral high ground.

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/04/2023 21:24

I agree with PPs, arrange something enjoyable tomorrow for you and the baby - he'll be a complete waste of space.

HipHipCimorene · 30/04/2023 21:24

peppaspal82 · 30/04/2023 19:50

Totally perplexed by some of these responses! She has a two month old baby and he popped out for a couple of hours in the morning and hasn't returned. I'd say it's disrespectful and not supportive. Those who don't agree are either men or have a very low standards when it comes to respect in a relationship

well said.
I would add if he said he won’t come home….good…

He has a t8ny baby and needs to wise up.

LongLostTeacher · 30/04/2023 21:25

That’s awful behaviour, OP, I’m sorry he’s been such a pig.

Can’t believe some posters can’t understand the difference between being fine with a partner having a night out and him saying he’s popping out for a coffee but actually fucking off for hours and hours. Baby or no baby, that is a really shit thing to do. Why not just arrange a proper night out if that’s what he wants to do?

His actions have made it very difficult for you to believe what he’s saying in future. Is he really going to the shops/cafe/library whatever, or will he actually start a pub crawl instead? He’s put you both in a ridiculous situation from now on.

DeflatedAgain · 30/04/2023 21:26

Also, if it were me, I would be having a serious discussion with my DP that behaviour like that is unacceptable in front of a newborn baby or child.

I would be insistent on my DD never having to witness her father act so belligerent. He should feel ashamed to be honest.

Firsttimemummy23 · 30/04/2023 21:26

I'm sorry but you have a two month old, you're newly postpartum as well, you need support not someone going out and getting drunk.

These post are ridiculous and I would have told my husband not to come home either if he did this! It's disrespectful and you have every right to be upset xx

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