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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
Elfandwellbeing · 30/04/2023 20:12

It’s is disrespectful, but not because you have a 2 month old baby, that is irrelevant. It’s just disrespectful anyway.

ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay · 30/04/2023 20:14

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:58

Yes, his own choice! We both don't drink for different reasons, he has been "teetotal" since before we got together yet this has happened a few times where he has gone out and ended up drinking and coming home in a state.

Show quote history

Well telling him not to bother coming home** But you’ve already done that & he’s agreed 😓Still, I think that’s excessive. I do get the upset with you being at home with the baby, an update wouldn’t have hurt on his behalf. That part I side with you on but I don’t think anything will be solved by you telling him not to come home. Because if he doesn’t, the problem has just turned from a molehill to a mountain. Talk to him tomorrow when he’s sober, if he is sober by then & make it clear you’re not prepared to put up with his behaviour.

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 20:15

Bet he throws up everywhere

MsDeb · 30/04/2023 20:15

You won't be going anywhere with him tomorrow OP, and you won't get any sense out of him tonight. Why not leave him to stew when he eventually wakes up tomorrow and plan something nice for you and the baby, even if it's just lunch with your mum or a friend.
Don't deal with him until you're satisfied the idiot has sobered up.

MsDeb · 30/04/2023 20:16

Ps, I remember being home waiting on a similar idiot and it's definitely worse with a small baby. I get it x

Doggymummar · 30/04/2023 20:16

Take plenty of pictures of him to act as a wake up call

TeaKitten · 30/04/2023 20:17

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

You are angry and sober, he’s drunk and harassed, not surprised he can’t be arsed coming home, it wasn’t even 8pm. But you told him not to come home, he said ok and no you are even more annoyed. He’s been an idiot not communicating and you’ve really over reacted.

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 20:18

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:11

Just to update. His friend has called me to tell me he is paralytic and they are bringing him home. So now got to deal with that and our baby. Lucky me!

What a cunt he is.

This is clearly a repeated pattern of behaviour.

Telling your partner, who is home with your two month old baby, that you’re going to be two hours and then being carried homes out of your tree nine hours later is abysmal. What a total let down he is. An adult man who can’t control himself. Pathetic.

And he’s annihilated the planned day for tomorrow.

Selfish prick.

StarDolphins · 30/04/2023 20:19

I clicked yabu by mistake sorry.

you are not being unreasonable to be
oissed off that he’s left you all day with the baby after saying he was going out for a coffee. He’s disrespectful doing that.

You are being unreasonable by being upset that he agreed when you said don’t bother coming home! What else could he say, you’ve gone in with the bomb & it’s backfired.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 30/04/2023 20:19

Totally understand op's disapproval

Turn this around, I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if op left him at home with a 2 month old to go and get a coffee with friends at lunch time, then op decided to stay out all day getting drunk and didn't bother to call him and let him know.

It's disrespectful!

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/04/2023 20:22

YABU for believing that he was going for coffee. He's an arse.

Oysterbabe · 30/04/2023 20:23

I'm not saying disappearing and getting hammered is ok, but if he'd said to you
I fancy going to the pub for some drinks and watching the football.
What would you have said?
I just get the impression he's not allowed to do things he'd like to do.

JudgeJ · 30/04/2023 20:25

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

So you told him not to come home and he said OK! At least you're in agreement there. How hard is a 2 month year oold baby, I recall they mainly feed, crap and sleep.

wispatwirl · 30/04/2023 20:27

TeaKitten · 30/04/2023 20:17

You are angry and sober, he’s drunk and harassed, not surprised he can’t be arsed coming home, it wasn’t even 8pm. But you told him not to come home, he said ok and no you are even more annoyed. He’s been an idiot not communicating and you’ve really over reacted.

Show quote history

Has she though? Because he's clearly done what she suspected he would, and that's get paralytic. I suspect she's going to spend all night cleaning his vomit up and dealing with his drunken arse. Don't you think she has enough on looking after a small baby?

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 20:27

How hard is a 2 month year oold baby, I recall they mainly feed, crap and sleep

Which means the OPs partner will have no problem when its OPs turn for a day out

shard5 · 30/04/2023 20:28

Do you have siblings nearby or your parents perhaps?
I'd wait for him to get in then be off to my mum's with baby. No way would I hang around with a drunken arse and baby him as well!

Confusion101 · 30/04/2023 20:29

I totally get your upset! It's not that he's gone out with friends, it's the lack of communication, it's the lack of thought for you being at home alone with a baby (and yes a 2 month old might just "feed, crap and sleep" most of the time but it can still be hard and lonely to deal with), it's the lack of respect for you and not thinking about if you have any plans for the evening.

But to answer your question YABU to tell him not to come home. That was never going to end well. If he came home drunk you'd be annoyed, if he didn't come home that means he'd stay out drinking longer and you'd be annoyed, and as others have said it is his house.

Sorry you have to deal with a drunken mess now. Throw him into the spare room and leave him there for the night.

MavisBeacon1234 · 30/04/2023 20:30

This thread is another reason why I'm glad my husband and I dint have a child together. I couldn't be bothered with this nonsense

KarmaStar · 30/04/2023 20:31

He is rude not to update you but make sure you get a day out soon if you are bf then express and go out.
Babies do make a huge upheaval in our lives and if this is a one off since baby was born I would let it go.
Don't ruin tomorrow by being angry.just resolve to have time out for yourself when you can.
Saying don't come home if you are drunk was said no doubt out of exhaustion and annoyance which has blown up in your face....leave him on the sofa tonight but make sure he does his fair share tomorrow.
put it behind you and move on op and enjoy your gorgeous baby.💐🌈

Angrywife · 30/04/2023 20:34

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:11

Just to update. His friend has called me to tell me he is paralytic and they are bringing him home. So now got to deal with that and our baby. Lucky me!

I'd have told them to keep him!!
His behaviour today has been that of a single man. He's not single, he has responsibilities.
Tomorrow I'd be telling him he either behaves like a partner and father or he go and live like a single man as a single man!

VyeBrator · 30/04/2023 20:34

MavisBeacon1234 · 30/04/2023 20:30

This thread is another reason why I'm glad my husband and I dint have a child together. I couldn't be bothered with this nonsense

If you married an irresponsible arsehole, it's always good not to have a child together.

Climbles · 30/04/2023 20:34

He should be able to go out and have a few drinks. I go out sometimes, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with my DH and DC. I see them all the time, I can have a night out.
The fact he ignored you and has now got totally hammered is obviously not good but I wonder how much his anticipating a bollocking has effected his drinking.

Wolfinthehouse · 30/04/2023 20:35

I'd go stay at my mum or even just a friend for the night if I were you OP, at least you won't have to deal with the smell of his puke then.

My OH has done similar to this once, he was a state when he finally got home. I was 39 weeks with our first and ready to leave him but he hasn't done it since (12 year ago now!) so there is hope that he's just being a one off twat. Maybe.

Sorchamarie · 30/04/2023 20:35

Yep, I don't believe for a second that all the people making excuses for your partner would be absolutely fine if their own partner said they were going out for a coffee for two hours, and instead get so insanely drunk their friends had to bring them home (a grown adult!), ignored all attempts to contact you all day, and ruined all the plans you had together. Seriously, this forum is getting more and more batshit. Please ignore all those trying to blame you for this OP. You have not overreacted. Your partner has behaved appalling. I wish you luck for the aftermath. Only you can decide if you are willing to put up with this kind of disrespect and utter lack of care in your relationship. Unless it's extremely out of character for him to do anything remotely like this and he's extremely repentent (once he sobers up), I'd be seriously questioning if you're willing to be put up with this.

Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2023 20:35

Once parenting is thrown into the mix, time spent away from the child has to be arranged with the other parent. He arranged a couple of hours. he shouldn’t just be assuming you will be the default parent.

Best to nip this in the bud now. it’s really easy for even egalitarian men to slip into the thinking that mommy will always take care of the baby and they don’t have to check before going out, taking a shower, getting engaged in a project, or any other activity a mother of a newborn no longer does without thinking about how to manage the baby.